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Original poster

Whole family bedroom?

69 replies

johnd2 · 19/06/2023 18:48

Hi all,
Our family is multi cultural and currently 2 parents 2 very young children.
We are at the stage of questioning the wisdom of "standard" sleeping arrangements now, obviously the British way is get the kids in their own room as soon as you stop being judged for it (ok I'm exaggerating) but for many other countries it's normal for the whole family to sleep together.

We were thinking of having us all in a room but have no idea about benefits and drawbacks of different setups, should we have a king size and bunk beds, or just two king size by knocking 2 bedrooms together, or some kind of bespoke bed setup with 4 singles at different angles? How about how privacy changes as the kids get older, should we make booths with curtains? And should each of the kids have a bigger private space and some more shared space too? Or separate rooms/spaces in the house for privacy. I'm aware of the continuum between totally private space and public/family space for each person but lack ideas.

Thanks for reading, thoughts, experiences and ideas appreciated please!

OP posts:

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 19/06/2023 18:53

You can have sex in the kitchen and make a happy permanent sleepover of the one bedroom only setting.

I loved sharing a bedroom with my siblings when we were young kids but wouldn’t imagine enjoying having snoring dad around all night or bossy mum around 24/7. We also needed some respite! 🤣

Barleysugar86 · 19/06/2023 18:55

Don't knock through any existing rooms- you'll massively decrease the house value.

I kept mine in my room until they were 3 and then moved them out into their own. They appreciated the quiet too I think- once we needed to enforce an earlier bedtime as they were routinely up for nursery.

I think from 3 they want a space that is theirs if they can- so they can play with their toys and start to learn about tidying up their space.

LookingForFreeDoughnuts · 19/06/2023 19:06

We did this with small dc, one room was all beds, one was the playroom, and the third bedroom was the dressing room. It worked while we needed it, but we reverted back to a standard setup as the dc grew older.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 19/06/2023 19:16

I wouldn't do anything permanent if living in the UK because the chances are that by the time they are tween/teens they will probably want their own room as all of their friends will think anything else is very strange.

Lcb123 · 19/06/2023 19:21

i really wouldn’t knock down walls. You’ll reduce the value of your house by reducing the number of bedrooms. Can you share for now but kids should have the option to chose if they want their own room or not as they get older.

titchy · 19/06/2023 19:30

Why do you want to though? Yes in a lot of the world it may be the norm, but only because space is a luxury few can afford. It's not the norm in the west.

If you have children that need the security of cosleeping that's one thing, but to opt for all in one room long term, is a bit odd, esp once they start having play dates.

yut · 19/06/2023 19:38

If you don't know the benefits why are you trying to do it?! It sounds awful, I like my own space. Having to sleep with them on holiday is enough!

SookMaDook · 19/06/2023 19:43

I slept three generations to a bedroom growing up and I absolutely hated it and was so embarrassed. Not cultural or anything, we were just poor. Gran in single bed, mum in pull-out bed, sibling and I in bunkbeds, and grandfather in the living room. I remember lying awake a lot at night as a young child as we'd go to bed at say 7-8pm, but I knew I'd be getting woken in a few hours when they came to bed so could never really settle. Then the tossing and turning would start, then the snoring. I was always tired. I never felt like I had any space on my own or any place to get away from things. My sibling and I fought like cat and dog. I stayed with friends any and every opportunity I could and never returned the favour (lied and said I had a bitey aggressive dog) because I was so embarrassed. Eventually we got an extension in my early teens which meant I only shared with op-sex sibling and mum, but I moved out (or ran away I guess) by the time I was 14 and properly moved out on my own at 16 as soon as I was able. Brother moved in with me shortly after. Had a terrible relationship with my mother throughout my teens which only really got better when I became a mother on my own. I don't doubt never being able to properly get away from her contributed massively to that.

Honestly you sound bonkers and I have no idea why ANYONE would choose that for their children if it wasn't for the fact they (like my family) were in dire poverty / need.

Just give your kids a bedroom fgs.

RampantIvy · 19/06/2023 19:48

Just do a bespoke bedroom set up for now and do not knock walls through to make a bigger bedroom. Once your children start school they will want their own space, especially when they play with other children and see that they don't sleep with their parents.

How long do children stay sleeping in the same room as their parents in your culture @johnd2? Surely they aren't still with them as teenagers?

Logginglogger · 19/06/2023 19:51

I don’t understand why you’d wish to. People don’t sleep in one room because they have the option of more, they do it generally because they can’t afford more rooms. In the wealthy homes in those countries they have their own rooms.

caringcarer · 19/06/2023 20:07

If you are planning on having sex with your DC in the room I think that is abusive tbh. You might think they are asleep but they might not be.

shakeitoffsis · 19/06/2023 20:07

Sounds like hell

TheCraicDealer · 19/06/2023 20:25

There are many cultures who do share obviously, but as others have said this is generally due to pressures on space or finances. Additionally families in those parts of the world are probably going to sleep and waking at the same or similar times- if you and your partner ever intend to watch telly, have a later dinner, do some work or any other activity after the kids’ bedtime, you’ll be disturbing them in the way @SookMaDook so plainly describes when you go to bed. Plus there’s the obvious embarrassment factor for the kids as soon as they’re old enough for playdates when they realise it’s not the done thing to share a room with your entire family in the UK.

I’m also really struggling to see the benefit of this. Yes you will reach them sooner if they need you in the night, but at a cost of everyone in the family’s privacy. A good compromise would be to let the kids share and let them know they can always come into your (superking) bed, or have a mattress or something on the floor for them should they need it. That way it’s up to them and they can come and go at will if they find comfort in being close to you at night.

nobodysdaughternow · 19/06/2023 20:29

We have a two bed house - dh and I sleep in the sitting room so the kids can have their own rooms.

Ours have to have their own space and privacy.

They are great kids and we all get on fine but I have no doubt that sharing a family room would end all that.

Comedycook · 19/06/2023 20:31

Sounds horrendous. I can understand the odd night co sleeping...it's not for me but I can understand it. I couldn't bear not to have my own bedroom though . Its my sanctuary where I go for a little lay down or to read or watch TV on my own.

IncessantNameChanger · 19/06/2023 20:31

My dd sleeps with us at 8, but she has her own bed in our room and her own bed in a shared room. She only shares out of choice and I think it's important she can sleep in her own beds, what ever one she wants. Unless you can't afford it, a child must have their bed over a certain age. Possibly school age. I'm not sure what socail care expects on that front

Frenchfancy · 19/06/2023 20:32

If a wall can be knocked down it can be rebuilt. Don't use that as a reason not to use your home the way you want.

Comedycook · 19/06/2023 20:35

What happens with different bedtimes or if someone is sick and wants to rest on their own?

Ragwort · 19/06/2023 20:36

Why do you want to do this? Personally it wouldn't be for me ... I can't even share a bedroom with my DH. Don't you ever want to go to bed early/late or read without disturbing people? What if someone is unwell and just wants peace and quiet?

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 19/06/2023 20:44

We had us all in one room when the dc were small. We had no furniture, just two big mattresses pushed together on the floor. I think we stopped when the eldest started school.

The bedroom was just for sleeping hence no furniture. Dc had rooms with toys, they just slept in the bedroom.
It worked for us but we were also led by the dc when it was time to have separate spaces to sleep.

primoseyellow · 19/06/2023 20:52

It's generally due to lack of space that whole families end up sharing bedrooms. Even then I have known some people sleep in living room/kitchen area so that older kids have own bedroom.

On the flip side I enjoyed sharing with same sex sibling up until we were mid teens. If space allows in your house it may be easier to share with your kids until they are 3/4, so when/if they wake you are right there.

I personally think 4 single beds in a room and parents and kids sleeping together is a little odd.

pimplebum · 19/06/2023 21:02

Why ?
Don't you want a bit I'd space and privacy
Apart from early morning snuggles I hate it when I'm snatching a few mins rest on a sat or sun and Bang! The bedroom door slams open with a muuuuuuummm!

RampantIvy · 19/06/2023 21:48

If a wall can be knocked down it can be rebuilt.

Except that most people won't want the hassle and expense of doing that when they can buy a house that doesn't have knocked through bedrooms. It will definitely limit the market.

Good points about isolating when ill @Comedycook and @Ragwort.

For the record DD had her own bed in our room until she was three because she had medical issues and really did need to be in with us. When we moved house I asked if she still wanted to stay in with us, but she was really excited about having her own room.

larkou · 19/06/2023 22:01

I do think the British trend of putting babies into their own room at 6m feels too young. Our 13m old is in our room and I don't feel nearly ready for her to sleep in another room yet (wakes a few times). Our older DD was in our room (in her own bed) until she was 4.5y, as we couldn't move to a bigger house for various reasons. It was lovely having her in the same room, I liked to hear her breathing at night and our bed was a lovely place for cuddles and games.
But it definitely wouldn't make sense for a long term thing, mainly because we'd want privacy for having sex. I don't see how anyone could make it work with school aged children even with curtains.

bowlingalleyblues · 19/06/2023 22:02

A friend from an East Asian background said they shared a family room with parents till age 10, I’m not sure what happened after that. I have heard that in Japan they use Tatami mats that are stored in the day (I think it’s a sleeping surface in a frame, topped with a light mattress), each person gets their own Mat. For dressing could you dress in the bathroom? Other rooms could then be used for play, study etc

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