Whole family bedroom?

[johnd2]

Hi all,
Our family is multi cultural and currently 2 parents 2 very young children.
We are at the stage of questioning the wisdom of "standard" sleeping arrangements now, obviously the British way is get the kids in their own room as soon as you stop being judged for it (ok I'm exaggerating) but for many other countries it's normal for the whole family to sleep together.

We were thinking of having us all in a room but have no idea about benefits and drawbacks of different setups, should we have a king size and bunk beds, or just two king size by knocking 2 bedrooms together, or some kind of bespoke bed setup with 4 singles at different angles? How about how privacy changes as the kids get older, should we make booths with curtains? And should each of the kids have a bigger private space and some more shared space too? Or separate rooms/spaces in the house for privacy. I'm aware of the continuum between totally private space and public/family space for each person but lack ideas.

Thanks for reading, thoughts, experiences and ideas appreciated please!

This is something that is lovely for the parent

That's debatable!!

I coslept and this sort of naturally extended and we ended up having a 'family bed' which was a super king size bed. The dc did have bedrooms, but they didn't use them for sleeping. We all have very fond memories of this time, we used to spend hours every evening reading in bed together and I slept at the same time as them. My youngest slept with me (by choice) until she was 10.

The room sharing might work if you have a small age gap and the kids are under 4. But as they get older they'll want to read in bed in the evening or will get up at 6 and want to play with their toys. It doesn't make sense as everyone is constantly being woken up or interrupted. My eldest complains about sharing on holiday (4 year gap) as she likes a calm bedtime.

What I found after years of co-sleeping is that it's best to be flexible. Have a large bed and mattress/air bed you move about for times the kids feel unsettled and want to be with you. And just go with the flow.

If you have room OP then decorate a bedroom each for your children then in your room have a bed or a mattress for you and you’d DH and single mattresses/beds flanking it and let your children choose on a nightly basis? Then they have autonomy on when they want to be near and when they want their own space. One child may be very different from the other, neither is right or wrong.

Are you prepared to still be sharing a room when they're 16? I doubt they'd like to be sleeping next to mum and dad. Give them their own rooms with some privacy and let them claim a little space of their own.
If you're considering curtains or partitions as they get older, just leave them to have their own rooms. If they want to get into bed with you some nights, great, but give them the choice.
Also, consider if somebody is ill and there is nowhere to escape! Sharing a room with someone being sick if you don't have to is silly.

Thanks again, some real gems of replies and really helpful.
I'm not replying directly to posters as I can see it would derail things in a moment, but I'm taking on board what I need to help me.

OP, this all seems to be about what you want. Please don't inflict this on your kids. I get that they're small now and it might work for the time being, but there are so many potential issues of privacy once they're older. I'm a firm believer that older kids and teens need their own personal space (a room if at all possible, not just a curtained-off cubicle). I'd have been miserable as sin if I'd had to live like this as a kid.

I don't know what age your kids are but when they start nursery and school they'll be times when they're permanently coughing. I guarantee you'll want to take shifts sleeping with them/settling them so that you and your partner don't die of exhaustion. It's awful sleeping next to people who cough and snore.

Then there's the times when they have accidents. Do you really want to wake up the whole family while you're changing the bed for the 5th time in a week? Or when they have nightmares and can't settle even if you're in the room with them. The list is endless and I found there comes a point that everyone sleeps better alone.

Op you haven’t really explained why you wish to do this? You must be able to see the significant down slides.

is there a space issue? Is that it? Where maybe you’ve two kids of opposite gender, one tiny spare room and need a home office or someone else in it like an older family member?

the lengths you’re going to, I mean curtaining off the room, or making the kids share one large bed, is really not something anyone would choose unless finances meant they had to.

is it finances and space?

Good point @Logginglogger I originally posted in the DIY channel expecting to discuss more the practicalities etc but it makes sense to explain why, and why now to get a broader range of responses.

Basically we have a 3yo and 9mo old, the older one is in the adjacent room, he was a terrible sleeper until 2yo (ok now) and we had to get him into his own room to get a boundary and to survive.

Every time I check on him when I go to bed, it always seems sad him on his own but I was used to holding firm on that boundary!

Meanwhile we were starting to think about getting the baby into their own room (or sharing kids together perhaps)

Recently we went away for a month and were sharing either all together or 1 parent 1 child and it was a really good experience, at least as a temporary thing. I just thought what elements of that can we bring back with us and what pitfalls would we need to work around.

Obviously I don't have a crystal ball but clearly the collected wisdom of Mumsnet is much greater then effectively a 1 month trial! Hence the question.

Thanks for reading and i hope that adds some useful context.

And soon the 3year old will be 4 and then 5 and then 6 and will be very glad to be in their own room without an annoying younger sibling! If the children have to share then fine but really why bring them back in with you if they are now doing fine?

Wanting to have sex with your partner is hardly in sex addict territory, is it. Strange thing to say. I would say that it's a sign of a healthy, loving relationship.

I have no idea why anyone would choose to do this, unless they had to because of lack of space.

I'm all for having a super king sized bed for when the dc are little and end up in with you when they're unwell, but it's hard enough sleeping next to one person shuffling about and snoring without adding extras into the mix on a permanent basis.

We have 4DC and invested in the biggest bed we could find. I really don't like the idea of young children being forced to sleep alone, against their wishes. I love thé idea if everyone cuddling up (if that is what they want).

We all went into our own beds initially, but played musical beds for years (mostly me with the four DC and DH moving wherever he could find a bed).

Now the older 2 are teenagers, and still come in on a morning for a cuddle. The younger 2 (8&9) are so involved in their games that they also come through for morning cuddles and only sleep with me if they are ill or the other is at a sleepover.

Have a communal sleeping area, but don't knock down walls. Use the other rooms for wardrobes/laundry. Playrooms, and then as the DC grow, you can follow their wishes.

Oh yes, one easily missed but that could cost thousands to deal with over the years.

This thread is reminding me of the time I let DS (then 3) sleep with me for “as long as he wanted” on the days after his dad moved out.

One week in, one, I told him that if he did (insert random misbehaviour) again he was going to go to the naughty step.

His reply? “If you do that I will not sleep with you anymore”

So… that was his way to tell me that he had had enough of sharing a bed with me 🤣

We went to sleep peacefully in our own rooms that night (no naughty step involved in this decision).

I know if everyone heeded this then most mumsnet threads would be significantly shorter... but it is ok for people to do things differently without it being wrong!
We all slept in one room for years, not because we were poor but because the kids needed it and we were happy with it too. Two king size platform beds (ones that have the frames exactly the same size as the mattress) can just be pushed together so everyone shares. If you have the space, you can do the same with two super king beds and get 4 separate mattresses, then everyone has their own bed. If kids are young, then futons or floor beds are probably better, I just don't like sleeping low down. I know loads of people who sleep like this. It's surprisingly common amongst attachment parents and parents of neurodivergent kids, it's just most people don't talk about it because of all the judgement.

You must have had a pretty large bedroom.

Not particularly large, just the other bedroom furniture has to go in another bedroom!