AIBU to feel irritated by elderly neighbour constantly calling our sons name over the fence?

I am really surprised by so many replies acting like this wouldn't be annoying. Its probably people that don't have this done to them and have 10 foot high fences.

This would annoy me too. Your garden is an extension of your house. You're entitled to have privacy. I wouldn't mind a quick hello if we are all out there. Wouldn't want to feel intruded upon though.

I'm really not sure how you'd approach it though. It's really awkward

I feel irritated I have to do this, because to me it seems obvious that a young family don't want to be bothered by an old man next door constantly

Yeah but he's from the generation when neighbours used to chat to each other all the time. It probably doesn't seem so obvious to him. I'm only in my 30s and grew up with neighbours who knew each other and would stop for a chat all the time. There was an old couple on one side and I remember the old man doing magic tricks for us. He and his wife would stop and chat to us when we were in the back garden, we'd ask him to show us a trick or several, it depended on how long they had. We enjoyed the entertainment. They also left the free toys from their cereal boxes on the garden wall for us so we thought they were the best. Thinking about it, maybe me and my siblings were the annoying ones 🤣

You sure their cat isn't called DS name?

I chat with my neighbours all the time.
I don't stand shouting their kid's name over and over through the fence.

We had an elderly neighbour with a little set of kitchen steps permanently set up against our garden wall, and no matter that she was lonely and loved children and was always smiling, it was annoying. So often we would look up and see her smiling and wonder how long she'd been there. She meant absolutely no harm. We never found a solution.

Absolutely this. Even if the neighbour is just a friendly old man the child should be able to play in his garden without constant engagement with next door.

@PleaseJustText You were in a completely different situation though. Your neighbour wasn't repeatedly shouting your name over the fence and wanting you to talk to him. You were asking him to do magic tricks. And I'm sure he wasn't poking his finger through a hole in the fence! That's the bit that tips his behaviour from just persistent to frankly weird.

When eldest ds was little our older neighbours loved chatting to him. They used to lift him over the fence and he used the help them garden or just play. It was not every time we were in the garden but often. He loved it, it was not sinister or creepy it was them being friendly.

It sounds like you've found a way forward OP but please just double-check he doesn't have dementia, what you are describing partly reminds me of my Dad who would never have hurt a soul but the part of his brain that processed social norms went wonky. Telling him to refrain from saying something just wouldn't have worked, he didn't have the capacity to remember an instruction, but he never hurt anyone. We all seem willing to understand dyslexia and ADHD etc, but the tolerance of some conditions in the elderly is quite low.

It seems you have achieved your goal , your neighbour leaving you in peace .

Just ignore him back OP. He's not your friend, he's just a guy who happens to live next door. You don't have to greet him or pander to his wants. He's forced himself on you in the past and you've (quite rightly) pushed back to maintain your privacy. You are not in the wrong here - he is - so stop agonising and just enjoy the peace and quiet!

Yes - this - completely agree. YANBU at all.

Just ignore the sulk and carry on as you are doing. A great shame that they can't be sensible but at least you know what you are dealing with. I certainly wouldn't be encouraging my child to interact with someone who ignores me though.

How weird that he calls your sons name but ignores you?! I would ignore him back... Bloody weirdo.

God, the amount of handmaidens that think if someone with a penis says jump, every woman in the vicinity has to say how high, is shocking! Why are you so furious that some women refuse to pander to every man around them?

He may or may not be a pedophile, but he's clearly being intrusive and demanding. And he's very obviously not "lonely" per the OP's update (funny, the amount of people who have invented an entire fictitious character and backstory for a man they've never met and know nothing about, just to justify their rage at a woman daring to not put men's desires first).


I was groomed by a pedo in exactly the same way as this. Pursuing such intense and frequent contact with a toddler while ignoring the parents (so clearly not lonely - surely a "lonely" adult man would want to befriend other adults, not exclusively befriend toddlers? I love kids, but they're hardly mature conversationalists) and when he already has children and grandchildren of his own. Huge red flag. Even if he's not a pedo, he's clearly not lonely and clearly not a nice man.

"Nice friendly" men don't try to pursue one-on-one friendships with toddlers while ignoring their parents, and nice men don't punish women by blanking them for trying to implement boundaries. Getting angry at women for wanting boundaries is a red flag all by itself.

Brilliantly well said, and very important reading.

I witnessed the same thing not that long ago when a pillar of our village was convicted of possessing thousands of child abuse images of the most serious kind. Of course the guy had spent his life volunteering with children, running children's sports camps, running youth theatre. Anything that let him be around kids. Which was used as proof of what a nice generous man he was.

(And I'm so sorry that happened to you. )

GreenistheGrass and BugLight yes, an adult, particular a male who rides roughshod over children's emerging boundaries, forcing friendships etc., is to be steered well clear of. In my experience every one of them has turned out to be at best problematic and at worst predatory.

This

Stop feeling bad or to blame, just stop!

If he were a nice reasonable person he wouldn’t sulk like this. As PPs have said it is NOT ok for an adult to talk to a child and deliberately snub the parents. His actions are showing that he isn’t just a nice friendly old chap who likes your son. He was using your child to entertain himself whether you or your son wanted to engage or not. It was all about him and what he wanted, and now you’ve very reasonably put a stop to his intrusion, he’s turned on you. Proving that you were right.

Please take note of what @BugLight and others have said. We are often so keen to not appear to distrust someone, we can ignore our instincts.

@GreenistheGrass and @BugLight are absolutely right - you’ve asserted boundaries very gently, he’s punishing you by blanking you, that tells you all you need to know. I would NOT find the way he still calls to your son and talks to him at the front of the house, while blanking you, “fine and friendly”. He wants to be your son’s friend and at the same time snub you and your husband. Not OK at all. Young children come as a package with the parents. They are not able to form independent social relationships with adults. Anyone who doesn’t accept that is to be avoided.

I think you’re still being too trusting. I’m another one, like so many on here, whose parents taught me that children had to obey adults all the time. I was made to sit on laps and kiss old people I didn’t know. I detested it. But if I protested they told me not to be rude and forced me to engage with the relative/ friend, because it was important to them that I was obedient and wasn’t allowed to defy them. And the wishes of the adults to have the cute kid on their lap was more important than my comfort. It ended very, very badly when I was still very little, because I had been trained not to say no and run away. I never forgave my parents for that. Your son might not be at risk of any serious abuse - though you just don’t know- but please don’t teach him to be a people pleaser, to not have boundaries and most importantly to be a “friend” to someone who won’t be a friend to his mum and dad.

I still can’t get over him sticking his finger through a hole in the fence. Turns my stomach.

Now he is ignoring you. Try to just disassociate with him as well. Your neighbour sounds very strange. With regards to the hole in the fence, personally I would buy a large flowering shrub and pop that in front of the hole!

I thought you wanted to be left alone? Not to be bothered by the neighbour?? Didn't you just get what you wanted???

I'm really confused.

Just ignore him back and don't encourage your child to interact with him. If he says hello, just shuffle your child along. He sounds really weird, and his behaviour is completely unhinged.