AIBU to feel irritated by elderly neighbour constantly calling our sons name over the fence?

[specialkallday]

This is the 3rd summer coming up that we've lived here, and I'm already feeling irritated, when it's only March, that whenever my elderly neighbour here's us coming and going or in the garden, he talks to my 3 year old son over the fence.
We can't see him, he just calls his name.

DH isn't keen on it either, it makes up feel like he's listening out for us all the time.
Unfortunately our front doors are opposite each other (separated by high fence) and their door is always open.

Is there a way to say "can we just talk out the front when we see you?" Or "would you mind giving us more privacy when we come/go/we're in the garden?"

It's got to the point where I want my son to be quiet because if he hears him he calls his name 😬

Why is it OP’s job to cure this man’s alleged loneliness?

There's a real divide in the responses here, thanks everyone for taking the time to reply.

I have to say I think it's a bit in the middle.

I don't think he's a paedo, luckily. But he's also not lonely, him and his wife are extremely sociable and always seeing people including their family and grand children, who are about 13/14 years old.

It's a case of us not really feeling comfortable with the constant "I love kids so I'm always gonna speak to your son whenever I hear him" attitude.
It's irritating when we come and go and he'll just shout "sons name!!" And there's no "hello how are you all?" And even if there was that I wouldn't want it being shouted over the fence as were unlocking/locking the front door on our way home/out.

He's a nice man, very generous, but we're just uncomfortable with it and what I need is some help with how to go about getting this message across...

Weird. This will get worse when one is left alone. Say hello, cover the hole and ignore the rest.

What a non issue!!! He's probably lonely and likes talking to your DS. It might be hard to believe but this sort of thing was once considered normal.

I really think it's less to do with the neighbour and more to do with promoting strong boundaries for a child. Children shouldn't have to talk and engage with someone in this way if they don't want to. Especially if it's just someone shouting over a fence.

I have the opposite problem - my next door neighbours child won't stop talking to me (and uses their trampoline to look over the fence and watch me as they're talking) - which is completely harmless (and the child is lovely), but I'd be lying if I said I didn't find it intrusive and that I long for the days of uninterrupted time in my garden, which is my own private space, after all!

1 in 30 men have a sexual interest in children. It's not at all paranoid or unkind to have your hackles raised when a grown man shows a persistent interest in making friends with your child. It's good parenting, as is teaching children that they have boundaries and don't have to indulge any random adult who wants to play with them. The OP doesn't owe her neighbour social interaction. He seems to have plenty of his own.

I would look at making the fence higher or blocking out with planting or shrubbery. I would also reply yourself when he calls your DS's name rather than encouraging your child to reply. "Johnny's busy now."

neither of my children would have wanted to chat at length in this situation. I think just encourage your little one to say hello, if you’re happy with that, or just say ‘look Johnny, it’s mr neighbour, hello mr neighbour!’ in a sing-songy way, then just say t neighbour ‘hope you’re well. Johnny’s not really in a chatty phase at the moment’ and smile and be on your way. Would that work?

I don't understand the amount of people on here saying this is a non-issue. This man is constantly invading the OPs family space with unasked for chatter. A few times is ok. But every time is not. If it was a playground and a lonely old man came up to DC every time they were in it to talk, how would that seem?

Nowhere else but in the parallel MN universe would it be acceptable to repeatedly shout someone’s name over the fence until they answered every time they went into their garden. It’s obsessive, and not the behaviour of a nice, friendly neighbour, rather that of someone who doesn’t recognise boundaries. An adult poking their finger through a hole in the fence is also odd.

I don’t know this man, but I’d be on my guard, op. Many people with dubious intent present as ‘nice’, friendly’, ‘generous’ (in what way do you mean?). It’s part of grooming. How would you react, as your ds gets older, if the neighbour started to suggest he might like to come round to play in their garden? I think you need to teach your ds that he doesn’t have to respond every time he’s summoned by the man next door. Neither would I follow the advice of a pp and invite the neighbour to ring on your door if he wants to spend time with your family!

That is a bit intrusive - the constantly calling his name over and over if he doesn't answer first time.

I'm all in favour of it being completely fine and normal to greet and chat to little kids who are with their parents - my children used to love it when they were preschool age and get really sad if they said hello to or waved at a random stranger in the supermarket queue and were ignored, and disproportionately thrilled if they got a response, especially a chat 🤣

However calling over and over is a bit far into pestering territory.

It's a tricky one but perhaps you could come up with some nonsense about nursery having asked you to work on your son's ability to concentrate and focus and that you're encouraging him not to get distracted when doing little play "tasks", so could he please only call out once and you'll then remind your son to greet him but would like him to have time to play without distractions and chat afterwards.

Perhaps your neighbour will be sympathetic if he loves children genuinely and altruistically, but if he's lonely and bored perhaps he won't. Then you can only be more direct - I'd remind your son to reply with "hello Mr X" but then tell him directly that today your son is outside to work off some physical energy and not to chat.

And if you posted this others would agree it is annoying and advise you to tell the child that your busy and please stop talking/put up a trellis etc but when it's an adult (especially elderly) that wants to speak to a child, the child has to engage and converse and if they don't want to/parents are unhappy then they are rude.

Sometimes people just want to chill out in peace in their garden and it isn't their job to entertain their neighbours. OP doesn't have to be rude, all she needs to say is 'sorry Geoff, Jack is playing right now and can't chat'

This would drive me insane.

Also I'm not one to see paedos lurking around every corner but your posts did get the old spidey senses going. I'd be very wary.

dontlookgottalook · Today 09:23
I don't understand the amount of people on here saying this is a non-issue. This man is constantly invading the OPs family space with unasked for chatter. A few times is ok. But every time is not. If it was a playground and a lonely old man came up to DC every time they were in it to talk, how would that seem?“

Quite. Incredibly intrusive and irritating, be it a man, a woman or another child whose company is not wanted.
In a previous home, next door’s older children were constantly shouting to our quiet, shy youngest and even trying to climb over. He stopped playing outside in the end.

Where did you get this statistic from please?

I think so many people believe if they don’t find something annoying/upsetting then neither should anyone else

and oftentimes it’s only theoretically so, as in they’ve not experienced it at all but feel confident that they wouldn’t find it weird etc with neither evidence nor experience of it

I’ve direct experience of an older man who’s whole schtick was “I love kids me”, coupled with singling out kids away from their parents and followed by offers to ‘show kids x, y, z and/or take them on short trips’

and all the adults without exception thought this was normal & desirable “how great that they’re company for each other”

all it might have taken was one adult to use their brain : “Hang on, he is constantly trying to make kids his friends, he follows this by normalising those kids spending time alone with him, he ‘dumps’ older kids and is always encouraging the youngest”

but nope, not even when those ‘dumped’ older kids started to display mental health issues, not even when 4 attempted to kill themselves

not even when one child spoke up

in fact some parents deliberately encouraged their children to spend with him in order to prove that they trusted that creepy bastard more than an innocent child

honestly the depths of naivety at best, wilful bloody stupidity at mid point, up to and including the worst (collusion/shared perversity) of some adults when it comes to abuse of children is utterly breathtaking

in our case 2 of those children are dead, and at least a dozen left with severe mental health issues into adulthood

but many, many of my generation’s parents still talk fondly of this filthy bastard and ‘how much he loved children’

OP do everything you can to assert that whilst saying hello to your family (adults and child together) is fine, encouraging your very small child to engage 121 is not appropriate

if he’s really a nice person, who actually cares about children’s welfare, then telling him you are starting to teach your child about boundaries etc will be taken as a sensible and normal thing especially for a child getting ready for nursery/school attendance when they’ll be with adults other than parents

if he gets annoyed or dismissive and tries continuing to engage your child without you or DH then you know he isn’t really someone who likes children, he just wants unfettered access to them

and as a side note - allowing adults to circumvent a child’s boundaries at an early stage can have devastating repercussions for life. I was primed to believe adult men’s wishes took precedence over my own needs, that they ‘deserved’ access to my body and that I had no right to say no

my entire life has been blighted by adults believing the ‘nice, old man’ and it all started with him calling us over and encouraging a relationship without other adults present

if he’s as fine and normal as PP think then you are not destroying his life by stopping him engaging with your child alone

the consequences of teaching your child that an adults’ wishes supersede their own are, in contrast, potentially devastating

Apologies I wrote from memory, it's one in 35 and it's a National Crime Agency stat
www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/almost-1-in-every-35-men-could-be-a-sexual-risk-to-children-national-crime-agency-says-10334624.html

My advice would be to talk to him once and any follow up questions/names being called over the fence, would be greeted with "I hope you don't mind Mr Smith but we'd really appreciate a bit of peace & quiet now. We've had a very busy week in school (if it's about your child) or work so we'd like to relax now. I'm sure you understand how important time to unwind is...goodbye now"
which can all be said with not a malicious tone in your voice and then you have somewhere to go if he still calls out.
"Mr Smith, we've already asked you to stop calling out. We want to be able to sit in our back garden peacefully and quietly. Please stop calling for our son" said a little more firmly.

Absolutely. And this was partly the reason I posted to say what I did (although I didn't make it clear)... Essentially, a garden is a private space (an extension of ones house, really) and nobody, young or old, is unreasonable to expect privacy and want to enjoy their time in the garden undisturbed by others.

I agree with the others who suggest saying "my DS is busy at the moment", etc.

Well my neighbours smoked weed, played trance music til midnight, took a baseball bat to their landlord and swore loudly at their toddler. Thankfully they were dragged out by the police when they got arrested for attempted murder amongst other things.

But yeah, you do you OP (poor bloke, can't even be fucking friendly these days)

I agree. It’s intrusive and the man is very persistent. It’s not like he chats to the child occasionally, he’s shouting his name every time the family go in the garden or leave the house. THAT IS NOT NORMAL. And poking his finger through the hole in the fence is really, really bloody weird. Who does that and why? Does he want the child to hold his finger? Why do so many people here not see this as odd? I’m not saying this man is necessarily someone who has an unhealthy interest in kids, but this is abnormal behaviour and doesn’t benefit the child ( who is already learning to people-please by having to go and talk to the neighbour whenever the the neighbour wants).

As usual we have a rush of people defending the neighbour, having decided he’s a lonely, friendly old chap who just loves kids - even though they don’t know him, only the OP does. OP has explained that he isn’t lonely, he has a wife, visitors, adult children and grandchildren.

Discourage the intrusive shouting @specialkallday , make sure your son understands that he doesn’t have to stop playing and go to talk to the neighbour every time if he doesn’t want to, show him a way to politely end conversations and go back to what he was doing. Tell the neighbour that shouting your child’s name every time you leave the house is rather excessive and how about a chat once a day? It would be interesting to see how he responds. And watch out for the neighbours suddenly inviting your child to their house or offering to babysit.

@FictionalCharacter just want to say thanks for taking the time to write your response, and it's bang on! I think he does want him to hold his finger when he pokes it through the fence, it's weird!!

I've decided to stop getting irritated by this behaviour and stop it now!
Whenever he shouts sons name when we're opening or locking up I will say "sorry (name) do you mind not doing that please?"

And when he bothers us when we're in the garden I'll say "sorry (name) can we just have a bit of family time out the back please?"

I feel irritated I have to do this, because to me it seems obvious that a young family don't want to be bothered by an old man next door constantly (come at me for that one 😁), but it has to be done.

Well I will come at you for the ‘old’. Would it make a difference if the neighbour was 25 or 35 and doing the exact same things?

Very intrusive, like he is watching for you all the time. Can you put a planter in front of the hole in the fence? Big difference from if he was living on his own and lonely then you wouldn’t mind a chat but he is sort of stalking you.

@watcherintherye - did you miss in the OP's opening post of this thread that she mentioned her neighbour is 'elderly'? So she said 'old man next door' in the most recent post.
I'd imagine that if it was a younger neighbour there may be other issues (smoking/drinking/loud music for example) that the older generation no longer participate in.
In relation to your query "Would it make a difference if the neighbour was 25 or 35 and doing the exact same things?" - I guess we'll never know because the OP doesn't live beside a 25 year old calling out her son's name or a 35 year old sticking his finger through the fence looking for the neighbour's son to hold it.

@specialkallday - Any chance you could use some expanding foam or some such to fill the gap in the fence that the neighbour sticks their finger through?