Relocation regrets

[bumblebumblebee3]

Where do I even begin with this!! Eugh!
6months ago myself my husband and 3 year old relocated from a city to a rural village . We left our friends and family and everything we have known behind.

I never truly wanted to move in the first place but talked myself round to the idea and agreed to it out of love to support my husbands dream job and the opportunity of having smaller schools for my shy introverted daughter to excel in. I was convinced that them being happy would make me happy. Anytime I doubted that I would push those thoughts to the back of my head and focus on their happiness.

We have been here 6 months and I have no idea who I am. I have lost my identity and miss my friends and family desperately . I miss our old house, our old neighbours , all the places we used to go that felt "home" to me.

I have no one to blame but myself for agreeing to move. What do I do?! Please be kind. Do I say we have to move back now , as life is too short and I am unhappy. Not that we have the money to move back. Or do I wait it out and see if my daughter will settle in her preschool and make me feel settled because she is settled?!

I could kick myself for agreeing to this move. We made the decision during covid when we were all living and working from home every day in a small environment and our daughter wasn't sleeping so I was so sleep deprived and could hardly think straight . I feel like we made the wrong choice. But boy oh boy what a whopper of a mistake to make !
Help?!

I have to comment OP. I made exactly the same mistake and moved back "home" after only 11 months. I probably should have given it more time but I knew within the first 2 weeks I had made a mistake. The place we moved to was very quiet and we had to drive everywhere. Silly things like the "normal" shops I was used to were 45 mins drive away. I also have quite an active social life at "home" so starting again was tough.

My son was younger (16 months when we left) and went back into his nursery/pre-school when we returned. My DH kept his job and commuted, renting a room in a house with a work colleague but his job took him away a lot anyway so it worked well. He then got a new job about 1 year after I returned home so didn't need to commute any longer and just moved back home full time.

It actually turned out for the best as the company went bust in 2018 which couldn't have been foreseen so if we stayed it would have been very hard for my Dh to get another job in that area (he works in a competitive industry)

I think life is too short and we were both so happy to come home. It worked out totally for the best in the end and actually making that mistake did make us stronger as a family.

Good luck with whatever path you chose

I can't add anything on the moving side. But my daughter ended up doing three consecutive school years in different places (a Pre school, school nursery and then a different school for Reception). She was fine. There were a couple of children that did the same but she didn't actually play with them. The rest were new to her each time.

At one point in nursery she was as thick as thieves with another child and the other day we happened to walk past her. I said hello to the mum. She had no recollection of the child at all!

So I think you need to remember how small your daughter is and actually how little she will remember at this stage. We've had people leave and join both my children's classes and they settle in no time. My son's best friend left in year 1 and he soon found other friends.

If you're really unhappy then make a timeline plan of when you'd list, how much you need to save in that time etc etc. if by the deadline you're happy to stay you've lost nothing, but hopefully having a plan b will make you feel more settled in the meantime.

For what it's worth you sound like a lovely mum, it's only natural you worry about how they will settle etc but I don't think you need to beat yourself up so much. Better regret what you have done and all that.

@Crazycatlady83

Thank you so much for commenting so th your experience- it's so helpful to read. Do you mind me asking how you mustered your the emotional energy to move back after 11 months ? And also how you managed to afford it ?
I've been looking at part exchange options as wonder whether that would be less time to move and easier to manage emotionally

@whereeverilaymycat

Thank you so much for your kind words, it means a lot and bought tears to my eyes haha !!! I really want my daughter to look back on her childhood with happiness !

@bumblebumblebee3 I wanted to move back pretty much throughout the entire time I was there. It felt like it took emotional energy to live there and moving back felt no hassle at all in comparison. I needed to get back for my own sanity.

I approached my old employer and they were happy to reemploy me. My DH kept the job from the new area so that was fine.

We had rented our house out at home as the move to the new area happened quite quickly. There really wasn't time to sell up before my DH had to start the job. We were planning on selling it after we settled on a area. So obviously that made the move back a lot easier and clearly maybe this meant I didn't fully emotionally commit to the new area.

Please get help. When I was 8 we moved from a big city to tiny remote village. My dad had a great job there and was busy all week, I loved the rural school.... but my mum became extremely mentally unwell. It took years and a lot of medication to recover and massively affected my childhood. She's never been the same since tbh.
Now I am her age she was then with young children I can quite understand how she ended up on such a place.
whenever happens about the move please done't be her - you've recognised what's going on so please get mental health support now before things get worse

I've moved around a lot and one thing that has worked every time is to have a barbecue/house warming and invite everyone in the road or neighborhood. You can call it a "belated house warming" or whatever you like and it doesn't have to be fancy and if people ask what they can bring then get them to bring booze or salads etc. Invite people well in advance so they're free and make sure there's stuff for the kids to do in the garden (so probs May onwards) like balls, hoops, bubbles. People always come and it's a great way to integrate!

ps Sunday afternoon works well especially before a bank holiday Monday - or something like a coronation bbq with a bit of bunting etc

That’s a great idea, but depends on area. If I did that in my street people would think I was barking mad.

Totally get this. We don't have kids but moved from a big bustling city in lockdown to a small boring "city" thinking it was the right choice. It wasn't and I really struggled to adjust to it even though we were closer to some of our friends and family. It just wasn't us. We moved back to the area after 18 months and we are both so much happier.
We bought both times - which was a pain... it's a huge mistake to make and we felt lots of guilt and regret which piled onto the general unhappiness of living somewhere that wasn't right
I hope you find the right place

@BeautifulDayintheneighbourhood I bet they'd still come though - I was always amazed by the virtually 100% take up rate.

I’ve done this 4x - in the UK and abroad, with kids and without. It’s hard but it’s always worked out in the end. Talk to everyone, accept every invitation, make the first move - and you gradually find your tribe.

Don’t keep looking back with rose coloured specs - there were good reasons to leave. And find the positives in the new place. And keep those old friends - we have them all over the place.

We stopped moving when Child 1 started school. We felt we owed it to the kids to settle and we’ve never regretted that.

@bumblebumblebee3
i sympathise!
Doesn’t sound like there’s much keeping you where you’ve moved to. With such a young child it’s easy to move and grandparents can be a massive support at that age.
We moved back to London 5 years ago after living in Bournemouth for 12 years where youngest was born and kids went through primary. Youngest had had a year in grammar school when we moved - crazy to leave!
But moved to be nearer elderly parents and work.
Left friends and house and location we loved. But I’d had a terrible experience (sexism/glass ceiling at Bournemouth Council during 9 years) and it was affecting my mental health. Any other jobs required travelling miles.
Moved eldest from a school she loved to one she hated in London (she was 14); I will always regret the move and the impact it had on her.
If I had my time again we’d stay where we were in Bournemouth.
5 years on I don’t feel settled. Slightly beyond the phase of every waking hour being filled with regret/ remorse.( Had some CBT - some of the sadness may be carried from place to place; it’s easy to have rose-tinted glasses about where one used to live.)
But ultimately, once youngest has finished 6th Form (in 18months/2 years ) I’m hoping we’ll move back to Bournemouth.
On the plus side my children saw more of their grandparents than they would have, especially through COVID, and both husband and I have good, interesting jobs - better than anything we could have hoped for in Bournemouth. And London gives teenagers certain freedom as they can get themselves around and see their mates easily. But I miss my friends/ community: you make friends at primary, so wherever you want to live make sure you are there through most of the primary school years.

@LMaufe

Did you feel that CBT helped you or do you still have those horrible regretful emotions daily? If you do, have the CBT helped you to deal with them better when they come up?

I long to move home but am terrified of taking the sadness with me and then just feeling the same back at home and even potentially wishing I hadn't gone through the upheaval to go home to still feel sad. Goodness, my brain is such a mass of tangled emotions and I wish I could see straight again.

CBT scares me as I feel so worried about talking to a stranger about my life - im quite private and this scares me! But equally I don't want to just take any medication bevause I actually know the cause of my emotions and taking drugs won't just change what happened . I know I need to talk about it so I can work a way out of it

@spicysausage65 I've had CBT and I found it very helpful. It can be daunting to open up to a stranger, but it's extremely beneficial to get that help from someone completely objective. Plus it's very much focused on your thoughts now and challenging them, rather than getting right into your past etc. Maybe think of it as helping you untangle a ball of wool, rather than looking at how the wool got tangled in the first place.

@spicysausage65 i found talking helped. It was therapy with someone who specialises in CBT, but to be honest it just felt like an opportunity to talk things through with someone who could provide a bit of perspective.
It’s not a cure, but it’s helped to get objectivity into my thinking. Especially that ‘thoughts aren’t facts’.
I’d guess talking to a trained therapist would help untangle some of your thinking and help you worry less.

How's it going OP?

Yes, how are things op? We're still trying to move - house offer accepted but ours has been on the market since November with three price drops and no sale yet. I go through phases of being resigned but hopeful and then bloody miserable. Have realised now it's actually affecting the children but no idea what to do as if we can't sell I'm competing trapped. Tried counselling but they just agreed that I need to move, so not much in terms of proactive advice.. how does CBT work in this circumstance?

*completely trapped

@utopian99 thank you for asking! (I've name changed as I've just been on mumsnet too much now!)

Thismorning I was feeling really good. I was on my way into my new local job I have and feeling optimistic about bedding into life in a new area - I've got chatting to a few people now, I have a little job, I have a few bits and bobs locally that im involved in. This morning I thought maybe I was beginning to settle in...but I often have moments like this and then I regress again so I wasn't too hopeful .

Turns out I have regressed again just a matter of a few hours later. I saw a post on Facebook from my daughters old nursery setting and it was lovely - all the mums got to go in for Mother's Day and I saw my daughters best friend and her mum and my old friends who all had their children at the nursery. I'm now feeling regret and sadness all over again. I don't like the setting my daughter is at presently - i put so much effort into finding a setting that felt good to me when we were back home. I feel a lot of resentment to my husband despite the fact it was me who chose to support him in this move.
I can't imagine us being here forever ! I can see us "going home"../but what breaks my heart is moving our daughter to a new school

Could I make a suggestion? Get rid of Facebook etc likes and follows for places in your old location. I found I was thinking wistfully of things we'd done before relocating, prompted entirely by seeing something on social media. I've done a lot of clearing out on social media and only kept links with a couple of things where I still retain contacts.

@spicysausage65
totally relate to the up and down-ness of regret.
Things like a photo or comment can trigger me to regress to full scale regret and wallowing in the “what ifs”

i hope you are feeling better now.
i find taking things a day at a time helps and booking in time with old friends who you’ve left behind to catch up with- helps get it in proportion.
good 👍 luck 🍀

@BeautifulDayintheneighbourhood In my case, home is where I spent the longest time living! I discovered that recently, and in fact home to me is Cambridge where I lived for 18 years. Unfortunately, I moved out to Yorkshire a couple of years ago, and I have felt like a fish out of water since. I left behind some good friends, and a really fun lifestyle, and I intend to move back as soon as I possibly can...

I did the opposite move, I’m from a village and moved to London! No one would talk to me, everyone was rushing around with their busy lives, work colleagues were just that, work colleagues and didn’t want to socialise outside of work and in a city full of people I felt so lonely, my ex at the time had a great life there and had a great group of friends but I wasn’t really included that often.

We didn’t have kids so there was no mum groups or meet ups for me, it was just us in our flat, I tried various clubs and groups but they all had already established friendships in the groups so whilst they were polite and friendly to me, again I wasn’t included in their social groups, it lasted two years, I got quite severely depressed and came back to my village and to my support network, I broke up with my partner as he chose to stay in London and I have to admit that two years of my life was the most difficult part of my life so far so I know what your going through.

Can you afford a crash pad back in your area? If not and your mental health is suffering then sell up and go back, there is nothing wrong with needing support.

A good suggestion. Put the past firmly in the past and concentrate on making a new future. It won't be the same, but it could be better...however, it certainly won't be better if you try to walk into the future whilst looking over your shoulder the whole time. That's a sure way to walk in to the lamposts of life.

People will tend to put the good stuff on FB and not mention the bad things, so loooking at fb does not give a true picture anyway.