Relocation regrets

[bumblebumblebee3]

Where do I even begin with this!! Eugh!
6months ago myself my husband and 3 year old relocated from a city to a rural village . We left our friends and family and everything we have known behind.

I never truly wanted to move in the first place but talked myself round to the idea and agreed to it out of love to support my husbands dream job and the opportunity of having smaller schools for my shy introverted daughter to excel in. I was convinced that them being happy would make me happy. Anytime I doubted that I would push those thoughts to the back of my head and focus on their happiness.

We have been here 6 months and I have no idea who I am. I have lost my identity and miss my friends and family desperately . I miss our old house, our old neighbours , all the places we used to go that felt "home" to me.

I have no one to blame but myself for agreeing to move. What do I do?! Please be kind. Do I say we have to move back now , as life is too short and I am unhappy. Not that we have the money to move back. Or do I wait it out and see if my daughter will settle in her preschool and make me feel settled because she is settled?!

I could kick myself for agreeing to this move. We made the decision during covid when we were all living and working from home every day in a small environment and our daughter wasn't sleeping so I was so sleep deprived and could hardly think straight . I feel like we made the wrong choice. But boy oh boy what a whopper of a mistake to make !
Help?!

You say you hate it but what about you husband and daughter?
Has his dream job worked out and does it look like your daughter will like the new school?

It takes time to settle into a new place but if you go there with negative thoughts then it is unlikely to happen.

Mind set is your enemy here. You're not going to replace what you've lost so you have to look for new and different ways to fulfill yourself.

Your family and friends are still there for you - carve out time to keep in touch.

But meanwhile get to know your new location and your neighbours. Join stuff, aim to visit a new place within 5 miles each week. Take your daughter to social activities. Make small talk.

You have to throw yourself into it. They'll be a network in the village of young parents - you just have to find your way in. And then find your people.

I relocated 18 years ago and think it took 2-3 years to feel fully settled. I was out of sorts for the first year. Give it time.

Relocating is tough, it does take time to re-adjust. We did the opposite last year OP, we moved from a very small rural town, 3hrs away, to the outskirts of a city. Also a big downsize for us. It did take time to settle. But it’s the best thing we could have done, life is easier and more convenient now.

What will help you settle OP? Getting the house feeling like home? Making friends locally?

If I was in your shoes, I would give it another 6mths, try not to focus on the past, the house you lived in before has sold, you moved for the right reasons at the time.

Good Luck OP, I hope you feel happier and more settled time.

Am in the same situation myself except I've been here 2.5 years and still hate it. Did you move back yet or still trying to settle in?

Also in the same position, been here almost 2 years and now trying to move from our very small village to an at least slightly larger rural town where the boys' school is. Will be downsizing so that we can also buy a flat in London, and moving back at least 50% of the time in 10 years once they're in Uni.

Its been two years of trying REALLY hard to integrate but if I'm honest I've mostly felt like I'm trapped in a cage of my own making. DH misses some things, but is more stoical, the DS are okay with it, although I notice the lack of diversity here - it's dogs, horses and sport and nothing else.

Have left it too late to move the whole family back to London - some friends of ours made the same move and moved back within 6 months, and I can't help be jealous, but we thought we'd stick it out and try to make it work...

@Ruralmumof3boys @utopian99

Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. It is quite a relief to hear I am not the only one having these feeling on relocating and I am SO glad you have replied to my thread. I need to hear from others in a similar situation so I don't think I'm crazy. We are still here and it will be 1 year in March. I have joined an amateur theatre company, I have a 6 hours a week job down the road and my daughter will be starting reception class in September. I am talking to lots of people - more than my husband, who sadly still works from home despite moving here in the hope he would get into the office post covid - I am getting out there and meeting people , unfortunately those people are neither "mum appropriate" friendships nor friendships that truly matter to me, like the friends we have at home for example.
I am trying SO SO hard . I can't tell you how hard I am trying. The area is beautiful and the people around here are so friendly and welcoming. But it isn't "home" yet.
If we hadn't got a child in the mix , we would never have moved because I would have still had my full time job back home , but now we have our daughter the mum guilt on thinking about moving back and changing her school gets too unbearable for me. She is an only child and her friendships are so important to me I would hate her to have to start again if we moved home.
But then, can I commit my whole life to living somewhere that I don't feel at home in?!

I am still persisting with it...we can't afford to move again right now so I'm trying to come to terms with staying here for at least my daughters first year at school. And then I guess after that we will have more info to know whether we should move back again and not disrupt her education so much as it will only have been her first year
The mum guilt is SO intense!!

How are you both and what are your situations ? I would love to know and maybe help in some way xx

I feel a bit like this too. Moved from London to the South West in late 2021.

We don't have kids, which I guess makes things logistically easier, but is also part of the problem, because most people in our age group here do, and we are 'odd ones out' and have struggled to meet people.

I have joined various activities etc but it's mostly been much older people attending. Nice people but I'm probably not going to find close friends there.

I guess I just feel quite different from everyone around me, and a lot of things just seem a bit crappy and parochial, and overall I don't feel that moving has improved my life and it's made it worse in some respects.

Some of our friends decided to move to the rural area we relocated to after they came to visit which made things much easier.

Going to the local pub or social club really helps to make new friends. DP has joined a group of local grumpy old farts who get drunk together once a week and put the world to rights. He fitted right in, not surprising really as he is a grumpy old bugger.

Learning to not care about mud was the really difficult bit but I'm over it now.

I moved to a smaller town from London after my husband died suddenly. Kids were Y2 snd 4 and to top it off I moved them mid year (it just worked out that way). They adjusted but it was tough for the first year, and so drastic a change gif my daughter I still wonder if I have done badly by her.
They are late teens now and 18 months ago I moved back to London as my daughter wanted to go to an all girls sixth form and I jumped at the chance. I made loads of friends where I had moved to, really good group of women, but frankly just couldn't see my future in such a small place. I love being back in London even if I'm not up the West End that much - I just enjoy the hustle and bustle and rush I could afford to live more centrally!
Moving your daughter now or next year would not be too big a deal, after Y2 maybe harder but still not impossible, and many kids move for secondary.
Things might not be the same if you move back - it would be a different house, different neighbours. I'd start discussions with your partner though and explore your options.

@mondaytosunday
Thanks for your reply
Can I ask how your two found the move in year 2 and year 4? Did they display any upset at the move / concern over missing their friends?

I am trying so hard to fit in here and it's not like it is awful around here - it's just different and distant from "home". I still see my old friends and family fairly regularly so on paper I should be fine - but there is something psychological about just knowing you are round the corner to your social circle and family - the comfort , as a mum, that brings.

We moved 200 miles about 18 months ago - work relocation for me. DD was in Y1 and it was a mid-year move. She coped absolutely fine - was worried ahead of it but had new friends within a week and can't even remember the old school or friends now!

It's been harder for the adults as just finding time to meet people and do things has been hard, especially as we went into rental and are waiting to move into the house we bought so we aren't yet in the suburb we will be in. But I have made a few friends - this really started to happen in the 6-12 month bit.

I'm glad I'm not the only one, moved from the South East to the South West/West Midlands border 14 months ago. I hate it with a vengence. I can't stop looking on Rightmove wanting to move back.

I moved the other way to most of you, I went from really rural to a town. I just cannot make the adjustment. I've been really depressed, suicidal at times, lost all motivation, lost confidence. I just don't know who I am any more.

I would move back tomorrow, live anywhere, in any house in any condition, but DH doesnt want to and I cannot afford to move back on my own.

Sorry this is not the reply you were looking for.

If you're still seeing family and old friends regularly, how much time are you putting into stuff in the new location? We made the decision to stay put at weekends and do stuff locally and that's really helped. We've only had two weekends out of the city we've moved to in the last year.

School stuff has helped too - you bump into other parents at the park or at birthday parties and it helps to get to know people.

We moved from big city to small town 15 years ago. Have never settled. Am planning to move back to another city, but near enough to stay in the same job, once DD finishes school. I have a few friends here. But it has never felt like home.

Three years in here and so miserable.

We didn’t want to move, but we were forced to leave london as the rents kept increasing so much we just couldn’t afford it anymore. Then I got ill and only got SSP so it was move immediately or not be able to pay the rent and be homeless.

So we moved to the shithole that dh is originally from, luckily his job went fully remote before covid.

We bought a house as it’s much cheaper here, but christ, it’s cheaper for a reason. Drugs everywhere, fighting, the schools are shit, hardly anyone works they just seem to argue in the street all day. I don’t leave the house it’s so awful.

But dh had rose tinted glasses of
his childhood and wanted to be near his parents. Who we don’t even see anymore because as soon as we moved here they showed their controlling and racist colours (I am not white), so that worked out well.

We can’t afford to move though. Can’t afford to go and see friends where we were from, they wouldn’t come here, it’s a dump. I’d be embarrassed for them to see it. although lost contact anyway as their lives moved on.

It’s shit!

We relocated countries and I knew I’d make a mistake the second we got off the plane. Similar situation in terms of no money to move back. Stayed 8 years. Actually did have a great life in the end. Met great friends, had good jobs etc. But the feeling never left and we did move home eventually! I understand that thinking about it every waking moment feeling too. It can be all consuming!

@UpUpAndAwol

It really is all consuming in my brain and is there every waking hour and wakes me up in the night .
I feel like since I have started to explore work opportunities locally it has eased it a little bit - it has given me a little bit of a purpose to being here- I have an interview in a school next week and the hours will fit so perfectly around my daughter that if I get it I would be so thankful.
I feel like if after a year of working and living here I still have that desire to go home then at least I can say I tried and was grateful for every opportunity I had but it just wasn't home - and that is fine!

So your husband had to move for a job but he has to work from home to do that job? What is the issue about him keeping the job and moving back

never underestimate the importance of family and friends they are worth more than you know

I completely understand how you feel. We moved about 40 mins drive away when my second child was born. We wanted to move further out and could get a much bigger house for less money. The area we moved to was lovely, loads of baby groups and parks etc it just never ever felt like home. It was just so different despite not being that far away. At the time I became a SAHM and my husband was in the office around 4 days a week so he was out really early and back late. I just felt so lonely
I did make friends and went out and about everyday and neighbours were lovely but it still wasn't home
I did get a part time job after a little while and this help financially but I really didn't enjoy it. Its hard to describe just everything was so different to home, the people, everything
We did stick it out for 2 and a half years then moved again

What are “mum appropriate” friends?

We moved from London to a small village. Hated everything about it - we might have just chosen the wrong village and got swayed by a great house but realised rural living was not for us. Had to drive everywhere. No community feel as everyone commuted to London or Cambridge. We’d have had to have driven to school and there was no wrap around care. Despite being rural you couldn’t actually go on a walk from our door due to fast A roads everywhere.

So 18 months later we moved to a smallish town, on a train line to a big city and we’re all much happier. I would move back to London in a heartbeat but unless we win the lottery that’s not going to happen so this is a good compromise.

I grew up rurally and as much as I love the countryside actually living in it was not for me. I now live a 20 min walk from open fields and a small forest on the edge of a market town on my doorstep I have every facility and then there are 25k people in the town I live in so the chances of meeting someone I could truly gel with were raised. We had to move as we both got jobs in cities and this town was between them.

As someone who's introverted myself I hated living in a rural village, everyone knows everyone and everyone's business.
I live in the city now where I am just an anonymous stranger in a crowded place and that suits me, I have my friends and I have my space.
Village communities are not the place for introverts.

If you husband and child are happy and settled, could you move back on your own and visit them on weekends?