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Original poster

Relocation regrets

112 replies

bumblebumblebee3 · 21/09/2022 23:40

Where do I even begin with this!! Eugh!
6months ago myself my husband and 3 year old relocated from a city to a rural village . We left our friends and family and everything we have known behind.

I never truly wanted to move in the first place but talked myself round to the idea and agreed to it out of love to support my husbands dream job and the opportunity of having smaller schools for my shy introverted daughter to excel in. I was convinced that them being happy would make me happy. Anytime I doubted that I would push those thoughts to the back of my head and focus on their happiness.

We have been here 6 months and I have no idea who I am. I have lost my identity and miss my friends and family desperately . I miss our old house, our old neighbours , all the places we used to go that felt "home" to me.

I have no one to blame but myself for agreeing to move. What do I do?! Please be kind. Do I say we have to move back now , as life is too short and I am unhappy. Not that we have the money to move back. Or do I wait it out and see if my daughter will settle in her preschool and make me feel settled because she is settled?!

I could kick myself for agreeing to this move. We made the decision during covid when we were all living and working from home every day in a small environment and our daughter wasn't sleeping so I was so sleep deprived and could hardly think straight . I feel like we made the wrong choice. But boy oh boy what a whopper of a mistake to make !
Help?!

OP posts:
BeautifulDayintheneighbourhood · 10/02/2023 23:44

It’s really horrible to be somewhere you don’t feel is ‘home’. I moved back to the city where I spent my teenage years and immediately knew it was all wrong. We’ve been here nearly 4 and a half years now and I still think every day that we’re in the wrong place. Trouble is, I don’t know exactly where home is! I have moved all over the country all my life. I just want to be settled and happy. Every day here has been a penance . However there are other factors that are making a move away a very difficult decision.

Life is too short to be miserable. Just move back. I totally get that thing if trying really hard but just nothing feels right.

Safeworkspace · 10/02/2023 23:56

I thin

Original poster
bumblebumblebee3 · 11/02/2023 00:04

@BeautifulDayintheneighbourhood

Thank you :)

It's hard to sell and buy a house - it's so expensive and I feel like I need to reach a point where my soul feels it's the right time and which point I will go all guns blazing and won't look back. I do feel it's inevitable at this stage that we will go back.

If it cost nothing or very little to move house I would be doing it tomorrow... I guess that says it all really

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pinkdelight · 11/02/2023 01:01

Cripes just move back and stop with the angsting. Much better to move while your DD is so young. She won't remember any of this and it won't have any impact at this stage but it'll get harder as she gets older. You've no need to feel guilty about her being an only and all that jazz. It's madness to stay somewhere you don't like for all these bogus guilt-tastic reasons. Your DP even wfh so there's very little keeping you there but your own mindset. Why waste another year being unhappy? Don't you think that matters to your DD and your own memories of her childhood? If you let the school application trap you there then you've only yourself to blame.

DrainYou · 11/02/2023 06:43

Our children were in a private school and we live in an area with a shortage of private secondary schools, so we thought we were future proofing by moving to an area with great schooling. We liked the idea that we’d get a much bigger house and garden in the new area…as it turned out, I didn’t much like rattling around in a huge house and the garden was too much to cope with having such a young family.

Totally accept it’s much easier to transfer between private schools. The whole experience has taught us that we’d like them to go to the local state secondaries in any case.

I really hope you can decide what to do and fully understand it must be very hard if your husband’s job is better in the new area.

Original poster
bumblebumblebee3 · 11/02/2023 08:04

@pinkdelight

I understand your comment and agree with it.
If we made the decision to move back right now - I am worried we have a ticking clock of time until my daughter starts reception in September . Houses take ages to go through and the juggling of the two is what puts me off.
I have considered the part exchange scheme but not sure how long that takes to go through- have you any experience in that?

OP posts:
BeautifulDayintheneighbourhood · 11/02/2023 08:09

bumblebumblebee3 · 11/02/2023 00:04

@BeautifulDayintheneighbourhood

Thank you :)

It's hard to sell and buy a house - it's so expensive and I feel like I need to reach a point where my soul feels it's the right time and which point I will go all guns blazing and won't look back. I do feel it's inevitable at this stage that we will go back.

If it cost nothing or very little to move house I would be doing it tomorrow... I guess that says it all really

Yes those were the reasons we didn’t move back fairly quickly. The stamp duty, moving costs and stress. Moving house is massively expensive and stressful. I just haven’t been able to summon the energy to face all that and feel worried about the expense. There are other more complex reasons too. What I find is that even when new opportunities come into my life I have no enthusiasm because I don’t want to stay here. It’s like going through the motions.

dubyalass · 11/02/2023 08:18

With kindness, I think you are overthinking the impact on your daughter. Yes, it's not ideal to move a kid midway through school but it happens all the time for many reasons, kids are adaptable and I would even argue it can help them develop resilience to change.

I moved schools twice - once midway through primary, and again at the end of year 8 (second year as it was back then). I have no memory of the primary change - I just got on with it - and I do recall the change at secondary taking a bit longer to settle, but I soon made friends, two of whom are still good friends today, some 30 years later! I'm not in touch with anyone from my old secondary.

Batcountry8 · 11/02/2023 08:31

I agree, stop with the mum guilt.
There's so much pressure you're putting on yourself.
I do get it, you think oh now's not the right time, yet the older she gets the more she'll have established routines and friends.
That's when you really feel you don't want to move.
I have been there.
You don't know what's in the future, I think you'd be a happier woman, person mum if you went for it.

Or sit down at least with a bit of paper and pen, with your husband and seriously look at costs.

Spellcheck · 11/02/2023 08:39

I’ve been you - I can say with conviction that having a child at school (in September, is that right?) will open the doors of friendship for you. Your DD will make friends, and you will probably make friends with their parents, especially if you invite the child and the parent together for a play date. We moved to a new area and made an effort with the other parents and now we have a lovely circle of friends here. It did take a bit of effort, and some parents weren’t that keen (fair enough) but the children are the key to settling into an area. If you do decide to have another DC this will only cement it further, through baby groups etc.

Original poster
bumblebumblebee3 · 11/02/2023 08:43

@dubyalass @Batcountry8

Thank you - I do feel a tremendous about of mum guilt all the time and I hate it - I wish I could magic it away. I feel pressures from everywhere since becoming a mum . I used to be a much stronger character but now I just take on the emotional stress of everyone else and it makes it so hard to make decisions and think straight sometimes. I'm not saying this for sympathy- it's just kinda nice to write this all down anonymously to strangers on the internet!!

I can totally see us going back home at some point-once we have got the money together to move again and we can logistically make the move back i can see it happening - I just have to try my hardest to separate my daughter from the decision and cope with school stuff once we are back home again

OP posts:
Original poster
bumblebumblebee3 · 11/02/2023 08:47

@Spellcheck

Thanks so much for reassuring words.

How long did it take you to fully settle ? And did you miss your old friends from "home"?

Do you still see your old friends ?

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Batcountry8 · 11/02/2023 08:50

You will cope with any school stress!
You sound similar to me, taking on everything but that's ok as long as now and again you recognise this and have a word with yourself!

Without sounding preachy it's all doable.
Your love will always point you in the right direction even with difficult choices. You sound like a thoughtful person, you'll make mistakes but that's human.

category12 · 11/02/2023 09:02

Six months isn't really long enough to build a social circle or get to grips with the change. You're still basically in the homesick stage.

Give it two years and really try to invest in the community around you and see the good sides of it in the meantime.

Spellcheck · 11/02/2023 09:04

bumblebumblebee3 · 11/02/2023 08:47

@Spellcheck

Thanks so much for reassuring words.

How long did it take you to fully settle ? And did you miss your old friends from "home"?

Do you still see your old friends ?

Yes - I see my old friends often at the weekends or in half terms/holidays. Sometimes they come and stay and meet our local friends xx

Spellcheck · 11/02/2023 09:07

bumblebumblebee3 · 11/02/2023 08:47

@Spellcheck

Thanks so much for reassuring words.

How long did it take you to fully settle ? And did you miss your old friends from "home"?

Do you still see your old friends ?

It took quite a while to completely settle -much more than a year! I was making my husband unhappy actually with my fretting.
I got a job in a local school then started teacher training, so had work friends. I had to try and change my mindset because I was so miserable but now I feel so lucky to have local and ‘home’ friends x

RidingMyBike · 11/02/2023 09:08

But an hour away isn't far from your support network? It's still easy enough to do a return journey in a day? Especially once you have local friends too.

We were a long way from support networks - 3-5 hours one way - which meant we only saw grandparents a few times per year. The big difference is whether someone can pop over in the day to help out, which they can from an hour away, vs having to stay over which makes for a whole different dynamic.

RidingMyBike · 11/02/2023 09:12

We relocated with a Y1 child and she settled within days - it's very easy at this age as they change friends so often.

It's taken us longer to settle but children's birthday parties have helped as has things like joining in with PTA at school.

It's also easy to forget WHY you moved in the first place. I do still miss our old town but I know I'm forgetting all the things that really annoyed us about it - you tend to remember the good things.

Original poster
bumblebumblebee3 · 11/02/2023 09:15

@Batcountry8

Thank you Smile
Did you also move and then move back again in a similar situation / did you move your children to different schools ?

I have to come to terms with that the fact that it's okay if I made a mistake and just because I have a child doesn't mean I have to suffer in that mistake for the rest of my life !
It's bloody hard being responsible for another persons life and as a mum you just want the best for them - I have been guilty of putting on everyone else's life jackets first and mine last and I admit that and I now know that in order to help everyone else I need to make sure I am happy too!!

OP posts:
Original poster
bumblebumblebee3 · 11/02/2023 09:24

@Spellcheck

You do sound like me ! I am fretting to my husband a lot and he would move back if I was dead certain it was what would make me happy but it goes against the journey we had to get here and we were certain this was right for us - moving is so flippin expensive and stressful so I have to try don't I!
I looked into teaching too and have been volunteering at a school to see if this was right for me. I have also got a little admin job locally. I think if I can make a good go of making a life for me here at least I have actually tried to make it work. The result could be similar to you in that I start to settle. But if I don't settle and despite trying my hardest to, I can just have a rational conversation with my husband and move back. Hopefully by that point if we did decide to move back, emotionally I will be okay with that as it will not be for want of trying

OP posts:
Spellcheck · 11/02/2023 09:31

bumblebumblebee3 · 11/02/2023 09:24

@Spellcheck

You do sound like me ! I am fretting to my husband a lot and he would move back if I was dead certain it was what would make me happy but it goes against the journey we had to get here and we were certain this was right for us - moving is so flippin expensive and stressful so I have to try don't I!
I looked into teaching too and have been volunteering at a school to see if this was right for me. I have also got a little admin job locally. I think if I can make a good go of making a life for me here at least I have actually tried to make it work. The result could be similar to you in that I start to settle. But if I don't settle and despite trying my hardest to, I can just have a rational conversation with my husband and move back. Hopefully by that point if we did decide to move back, emotionally I will be okay with that as it will not be for want of trying

Maybe give it a year then? See how your daughter (and you!) get on at school. As an ex-forces child here, the younger they are when they move, the easier it is for them. But do give it a good go first! X

Batcountry8 · 11/02/2023 10:00

I haven't moved no.
I've had to deal with some very serious long term health issues with my child.
I think what I'm trying to say, perspective wise is that many things could come along whereby you will make decisions and this decision isn't one where it's going to have a huge detrimental effect.
Your well being and happiness is very important for your life ahead being a mum.

I've also done my child's upbringing alone with no help. I know that looking back situations that haven't been able to be changed have been let's say got through.

When things are doable there's freedom in that, which I feel makes for content.

Original poster
bumblebumblebee3 · 11/02/2023 10:49

@Batcountry8

Thank you- you were so right , perspective really is key here and I need to focus on that. I have so many wonderful things in my life to be thankful and grateful for and my life is so rich and full.
The brain is a complex thing and I'm sure that it's only when you've been through true hardship that you really see things for what they are
Thank you for your words and support xx

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witheringrowan · 11/02/2023 11:19

I'm saying this with kindly intentions, & no intention to offend - I think rather than thinking about moving right now, you should be investigating therapy, probably CBT. Because the level of guilt you describe about very everyday simple things, and the anxiety about making the "right" or "wrong" decision sounds like it's all consuming for you at the moment, and that's not a normal or healthy way to live.

After that you might decide to move back, or stay where you are, or something in between, but at least you will have made a decision with a clearer mind.

Original poster
bumblebumblebee3 · 11/02/2023 18:53

@witheringrowan

I have actually gone to seek out therapy for my guilt but I've never carried it out as I just feel embarrassed and awkward. I know my feelings all came about when we were deciding to relocate so I can pin point the exact moment I felt myself and when that changed - I am hoping that means I can just fix myself with time

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