Relocation regrets

[bumblebumblebee3]

Where do I even begin with this!! Eugh!
6months ago myself my husband and 3 year old relocated from a city to a rural village . We left our friends and family and everything we have known behind.

I never truly wanted to move in the first place but talked myself round to the idea and agreed to it out of love to support my husbands dream job and the opportunity of having smaller schools for my shy introverted daughter to excel in. I was convinced that them being happy would make me happy. Anytime I doubted that I would push those thoughts to the back of my head and focus on their happiness.

We have been here 6 months and I have no idea who I am. I have lost my identity and miss my friends and family desperately . I miss our old house, our old neighbours , all the places we used to go that felt "home" to me.

I have no one to blame but myself for agreeing to move. What do I do?! Please be kind. Do I say we have to move back now , as life is too short and I am unhappy. Not that we have the money to move back. Or do I wait it out and see if my daughter will settle in her preschool and make me feel settled because she is settled?!

I could kick myself for agreeing to this move. We made the decision during covid when we were all living and working from home every day in a small environment and our daughter wasn't sleeping so I was so sleep deprived and could hardly think straight . I feel like we made the wrong choice. But boy oh boy what a whopper of a mistake to make !
Help?!

I remember that completely. I felt like it was on my mind all the time. I would also think about it as soon as I woke up, before bed, anytime my mind was blank! I did similar, went back to work when my first child was a baby and that really helped. A few years in we had a great life and it still didn’t feel right which is how I knew we needed to go home. Been back 7 years now and no regrets at all. It’s a really hard decision!

I think you need to give it 3years to see if it has actually worked out for you. We have just hit 3 years with perhaps a similar move to you (although slightly older children). We are settled, my life has changed dramatically but over time has settled into new routines. Have made a couple of friends but expect to make more over time (but not far from London where we used to live so am making more of an effort to go back and visit them). DH and DC are much happier... although again it took a good 2 years for them to settle. If you are still unhappy in a couple of years then yes, I would move. I moved my children at 5 and 8 and it was absolutely fine as friendships are so fluid until secondary.

Also meant to add that I felt completely trapped and utterly bereft for at least a year (not helped by lockdowns etc.), then another year where I swung dramatically between liking and hating it. I only realised very recently that I was more or less happy here now and probably don't want my old life back!

Move back. Do it ASAP if your husband in agreement.

I haven't done this BUT I would say that after my child started reception was when I found my tribe of mum friends. I did already have some friends from nursery days but starting school is a great chance for you as well as your child to meet new people!

One thing that makes it harder is that everyone else thinks it must be great. Our location is widely known as pretty and is a popular holiday destination. So people always say 'ooh lovely, you must be loving it'. And you can't really be honest with anyone - people in this location obviously don't want to hear a load of criticism of it, and even people from our old life I think don't really get it. They see the good things when they visit for a weekend but that's not the same as living here fulltime. My mum says things like 'at least you've got away from London' as if it was some kind of hellscape.

How long have you been there? Having made a similar mistake I would say moving back quickly is a good option. Anyway you definitely need to tell your husband how you feel. Your daughter is very young so she will adjust, and its difficult to know at that age if she needs you to make such heroic choices to give her a smaller class size. Going to school in a city is a great opportunity.

Sorry I just saw you said you have been there 6 months. Definitely talk to your husband about how you feel. We set ourselves up for failure when we decide somewhere is going to be our 'forever' home in advance its just not realistic. Having conversations about how is it going how do you feel it is for you should be a part of life after a move if you have a partner.

@starpatch
Thank you for your comment
You say you have made a similar mistake. Would you mind me asking how things worked out for you and what drove you to making 'the mistake'?

At the time of my writing this post we had been here 6 months. It is now 1 year on and we are still here- I have been trying so so hard to make it work - I've joined a theatre group and started singing again (something I love!) I'm working locally around my daughters preschool hours with the hope of getting a school job. I'm talking to lots of people here and at really trying so hard to see the positives to the move . But the things that get me down are the things that are fundamentally so important to me- I miss my friends and my mum being round the corner . I miss all the familiar places that feel like "home" . I miss living in the location where me and my husband met and bought our first house and had our baby.
I've applied for my daughters place in reception now, so I don't feel like we can move quick enough now to avoid interfering with her starting in September . So that leaves us in a position where if we decided to move back, we would have to start talking and looking after September and hopefully do a move into year 1 . The thought of that sends shivers up my spine though as I feel a tremendous amount of mum guilt . My daughter is so sensitive and remembers everything. Even now, 1 year on, she will randomly talk about her key worker in her nursery from a year ago and how she misses her. She will mention her old bedroom being bigger in the old house . If we move again I just worry it will affect her somehow !!

Hi op, I'm so sorry you're struggling so much, how is your husband finding it? How far away are you from home?

We did a big move a couple years ago and I felt unsettled for a good 6 months or so, but once I got schools sorted, a new job and some people to talk to I settled in much better and I love it here now.

Not saying that to say you will feel settled, but more to reassure you that if you do want/need to move your daughter is still young enough, I would say you've got up until about year 3 primary school to move her with limited disruption ( I say without knowing her of course) when we moved my youngest was year 2 and he took it in his stride, but it was more difficult for my year 5 son who was very settled. He's fine now, but would have preferred to have moved him a bit younger.

So just to give you a little reassurance that you don't need to feel trapped or that the decision needs to be made now, in my opinion at least!

Your husband therefore doesn’t need to be living where you are. Your daughter is 3/4 years old and moving her now will be a breeze. She hasn’t even started school. I think you are being far too protective of her and she is more resilient than you give her credit for. Being introverted isn’t a reason to live rurally and having a few friends isn’t a reason to stay where you are.

Honestly, if I was you I would move back to the city. There doesn’t seem to be anything actually keeping you in the countryside from what you’ve said. Presumably you could also pick up your career if you moved back?

@FlimFlamBam and @Cyclingforcake this is almost exactly me. We're trying to move from our tiny rural village where you can't walk anywhere (and there's a split community of 400, half of which hate the other half) to a fairly small town - only 7k people- but where there are people we actually have something in common with and hopefully more opportunities for variety, likewise. We can get back to London in an hour ish, which helps but like others have said we live in a part of the country where a lot of locals assume we are delighted to have 'got away' from London, so hard to explain without causing offence.
No doubt in connection to this my closest local friends seem all but one to be city ex pats, which isn't on purpose, but clearly says something..

Pressed send too soon - those who didn't move back to London BUT did move to somewhere a bit bigger, did it help? Our long term goal is to have at least a flat in London when the DS are in uni, but that's 10 years away.
The other thing I've realised is moving from London has given me an immense feeling of an empty life, which is causing real struggles as it's triggered all sorts of issues and I'm worried it's affecting my relationship to our family. I'd really like to think there's a way out of this.

Bumblebeefree we are still here in small coastal town. Practically very challenging to move back as I had sold a shared ownership flat. My son has just got a grammar school place and is very keen to go so I am seeing us as settled her for 7 years- which helps in a way as feel more settled- but in a way is harder as missing London more (well our specific area really and old life). I think like most people was tempted by low house prices- being closer to countryside being able to have a garden- and those things are important but don't compare to what we gave up.

@utopian99
I think the town we live in is a bit bigger than that - 4 primary schools, 1 secondary, sports clubs, theatre groups etc. I didn’t really feel settled here until oldest DC started school and I found all those people who worked, just different days to me! Don’t overthink what DC may or may not need at school - small rural isn’t always best for a quiet child. Mine is doing brilliantly at a 2-form entry school and isn’t getting lost at all.

While it’s tough, your home is where you are now. Referring to the place that you sold and moved away from as home isn’t going to be helping.

@nca89 thank you for your reply.

My husband is fine with the move - his priority is me and our daughter and views the move as right for us as a family unit - it's closer to his office, and allowed me to quit my job . Although I do need and want to work again now our daughter is a bit older.

We are only 1 hour away , but that hour makes all the difference when I can't pop to a friends house for a cup of tea or pop round my mums house . It all has to be made into a big planned event . This weekend for example,I am back with my mum and grandma but feel guilty for wanting to visit my mum friend round the corner as I need to prioritise my family and I'll likely run out of time to visit my friend too - I'll have to schedule her in for a separate visit back.

I was always 50/50 on whether I would want another child but now I'm so far away from my support network I can't think of anything worse than having a baby and being so isolated.

The thing is, we made the decision to relocate during a time where we weren't sleeping with a young toddler, covid meant we were breathing down each other's necks all the time and we craved the normality of being in an office environment and having that home: work balance back and also because of covid we were not seeing our friends and the focus was so much on us as a unit of 3 - i personally thought we made the right decision so that we could settle somewhere closer to my husbands work, in hope he would get into the office when covid ended and we would have more space in the house to have another child in the future . I also fundamentally needed to settle down somewhere so I didn't have to disrupt my daughters education by moving her school - so we concluded that the time to relocate was asap whilst she was a toddler !

Honestly I'm struggling because I feel like I've made the worst decision ever and I'm a terrible person . My husband still isn't in the office when everyone else in the world seems to have gone back. I am doing my nut trying to settle into the new community. I long to move back but the thought of changing my daughters school fills me with utter guilt beyond belief .

I need someone to put it alll in perspective for me as right now I feel like I'm the worst mum in the world !!!

I am very sympathetic- you couldn’t pay me enough to move to a rural location. Sorry but cannot understand people moving from London to rural it’s an enormous change. Is there any option to move to at least a local town? I’d be pushing for that. Location is key - we’re house hunting and I’d comprise on anything apart from location. Don’t worry about moving kids they’re very flexible.

p.s. I’m very concerned by the move allowing ‘you’ to quit your job. Is your DH paying the same pension contribution you had before? Don’t compromise your financial position.

I moved to other end of the UK when I was 10 - it was a great move.

@Lcb123 thanks for your replies

So at the time of the move I wanted to quit my job as I was struggling to do both that and be a mum . Now she's in preschool I am ready to work again. As we were talking about another child ar the time , the focus was naturally on my husband being "the breadwinner" so to speak. So I felt like the best thing for my husband and my daughter was to settle somewhere in easy reach of work and somewhere where we would never have to take my daughter out of school. We would settle and be happy

But like I say, I can't possibly entertain the thought of another child now when we are not close by to the people that matter to me.

Our area is beautiful and I do really genuinely love the nearby town and the village we live in - but it isn't home and isn't somewhere i want to live the rest of my life and whilst the people are friendly enough , they are not "my people" if that makes sense

@Lcb123 did you miss your friends when you moved at the age of 10?

No - not at all. Made new friends without a second thought. I don’t really believe kids really make friends before secondary school

Hi OP, we relocated during lockdown and felt exactly like you (2 primary aged children…we first moved as they started years 1 and 2 respectively). We were only 40 mins from our “home” and we kept saying “Only X more years until the children are 18 and we can move back!”

We realised this was no way to live and moved back to the same village we started in. We are beyond relieved and couldn’t be happier. The children returned to the same school and all has been great in that regard too.

@DrainYou

Oh wow thank you for commenting

Can I ask your reasons for the move 40mins away from "home"??

My husband lost all his work as a freelancer during covid and secured a job over an hour away . I wanted to quit my job and focus on being a mum with the hope of having another child. We honestly thought he would get into the office by now !
Did you have any issues transferring schools ?