Neighbour letting themselves into our garden - how to politely ask them not to?

[mummabubs]

Hi all,

Moved into our dream house a month ago. One of the many quirky things about here is a connecting gate between us and next door's garden, which we have been told was installed so that the vendors and next door could pop between gardens. We quickly met our next door neighbours and they are absolutely lovely, very friendly to us and our kids etc.

We noticed one day last week that our greenhouse was open when we thought we'd closed it but didn't think much of it. Then the same happened today and our neighbour happened to mention when I saw her later that she'd popped into our garden a couple of times to open the greenhouse and water the plants for us. I completely appreciate that she's done this with the loveliest of intentions, but I'm just not comfortable with anyone randomly popping into our garden. DH doesn't want me to say anything in case it upsets the neighbour or sours our relationship (we plan for this to be our forever home), but truth be told the situation upsets me as I feel on edge knowing that our garden isn't our private space any more and also I want us to have responsibility for our own plants- even if we kill them a few times before we get it right! I feel like I need to say something to gently ask that this doesn't continue. I tried to be careful when she told me not to say anything that might encourage it but she said that it was no problem as she used to do this for her old neighbour all the time. This is kind and obviously worked for them, but I'd like some boundaries to be put in place. (Metaphorical boundaries if not physical!)

Any words of wisdom? Thank you.

The fact you've got a dog and a toddler means you need secure fencing, say you want the gate changed back to fence and offer to pay, if they don't want to do so put your own fence up on your boundary if they ask why you want to just state it is for your and your family's security and privacy.

Tell a little white lie? Along the lines of “incident with a friend where their toddler managed to get out of a side gate and onto the road/had a bit of a “there but for the grace of God go I” moment/going to put a lock on your side just in case.” Just to let them know so they need to come to the door if they want you; obviously not personal etc.

Just do it, it’s unfair on them I think to do any sweetening or white lies, they’re not mind readers about the exact scenario it will be ok and isn’t. Sounds like no scenario is ok for you really. Probably best for both parties to rip it off like a plaster and change now to no popping in. If they’re as helpful as they are, they’ll just keep trying to help in ways that get around any excuses you present and it’ll just be more stressful!

Actually that's a good point - if she thinks it's just about child safety rather than your privacy then you may find you're playing whackamole with other helpful /intrusive stuff until she understands that you actually don't want them popping into your garden at all/without arranging it. She may have been used to popping into the garden, maybe the house too, but she must realise that it's a weird for her to continue doing this without discussing it as it works be for you to start popping round to hers without discussing it.

I felt especially uncomfortable when I realised I was at home the most recent time it's happened

Whoa. You were actually IN when it happened? I assumed she opened the greenhouse because you weren't there to do it.

That is really weird, and I'd be freaked out too. You might have to be more blunt, then. There's a big difference between doing something helpful, and doing something that's quite controlling.

It’s been a heat wave and she saved your plants. Honestly I would just take the free gardening and not see it as intrusive at all! Ask her for gardening tips and be friendly. I totally understand wanting privacy but it’s not like she’s hanging out in your garden, just giving things a quick water as she was doing hers, because she probably thinks you’ve forgotten in the stress of the move. Once you’ve sorted out your own garden I doubt she would do it unless needed, and honestly what’s the harm in having a neighbour happy to water your plants if you’re away on hol etc? If she was setting up a picnic in your backyard or otherwise being intrusive I would care, but this doesn’t sound like a big deal and is actually rather lovely - and I’m super introverted and hate sharing my space!

You could say something along the lines of "I'm going to put a lock on our side as I just worry that the gate could accidentally be left open one day and my child could get out. However, we can open it if the kids want to play"

Couple of bolts on the gate.
Automatic openers on your greenhouse windows.
Automatic watering system. Needn't be expensive, a water butt with a gravity fed dripper system.

I would go down the route of putting a padlock on the gate then it can only be opened by you. I would tell them that you child and dog are escape artists and that any chance they have they will get out, so you would rather have a lock in the gate for their safety!

As far as coming round unannounced, could you not use your dog as an excuse - I know my BIL used to have a dog who was absolutely soppy as anything but if anyone came into the garden when the dog was shut in the house he would go mental barking and wrecking the place not because he wanted to attack whoever was outside but he wanted to get out and play with them. Perhaps you could say that your dog gets upset if he sees anyone in the garden especially as he isn't totally used to his surroundings yet and also he doesn't know them very well, so would they mind coming to the front door or texting before they come round.

That way hopefully they will understand they can't just come round unannounced but keeps them on your side.

I'm all for being neighbourly, but I think this is really odd behaviour. I can imagine seeing a neighbour's greenhouse shut on a baking hot day, knowing they're out at work and deciding to be helpful and go and open it for them. And I wouldn't particularly have a problem with someone doing the same for me. But, to do it repeatedly when you're at home is really odd and intrusive.

@mummabubs

Could do, it'd be a bit awkward as the lock is currently on their side. They said to us on the day that we moved in that they wouldn't be offended if we ever wanted to put fencing up again, but as we never thought they'd just let themselves in we said.oh don't be silly 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Well then go back and say 'actually we do want fencing again'.

You are the problem here, sorry to be harsh, because you won't just say what you think.

You don't have to be rude, just say you want a fence again.

Be assertive. Speak to them. It's your home, you live there now.

I would say "my son is intent on letting our dog through the gate!" and laugh saying " so we're going to secure it on side (put a small combination padlock through a bolt). We do this for our puppy as our gate can blow open in strong wind. Or mow the lawn naked as one of our villagers used to do if the pub next door was noisy (he was 80 lol).

Why all the suggestions of lying and invent g excuses, none are needed.
Just say we are putting a lock on our side as we value our privacy.
If she was an experienced gardener she’d know not to water in the heat of the day 😀

If you don’t want any confrontation over reinstating the fence or locking the gate from your side, your dog is the best reason. Even child savvy, friendly, small dogs can knock over/scratch children, and I would not want there to be ANY possibility that this could happen if she left the gate open and it ended up happening in HER garden. It is perfectly reasonable to ensure that your boundary is secure to prevent your dog escaping. I have 6ft fences and a locked gate. If my dogs were able to get into my neighbours garden, they have hedges with gaps and low fences which border fields, and I have no doubt whatsoever that they’d take themselves off on an adventure, given access to it.

She only knew that the plants in your greenhouse needed water because she had let herself into your garden uninvited and unannounced and gone snooping. She had to actually get in there first to know they were dry.
That is not helpful neighbourly behave; it’s intrusive trespassing and appalling nosiness.

Oh fuck the plants, honestly. It's not like OP had locked her toddler in the greenhouse in a heatwave and neighbour had to intervene she would also have had to go in to see that the plants hadn't been watered, so how often is she popping in to check?

I am a fan of straightforward talk. Go to her front door and say you've been thinking/talking and actually you would like the fence panel put back. You don't need to follow it up with a reason but you could say "for privacy and the sake of the dog and DC."

Don't speak to her about this in the garden or over the fence, go to the front door to make the point that you're strangers.

It's interesting to me how one person's kind and helpful is another person's interfering and intrusive! I have a neighbour a couple of doors down who makes it his business to comment on work and "help" everyone in the vicinity. You'll be gardening and he will pop his head over the (6 ft!!) fence to tell you what you're doing wrong!

Imagine if you had been walking around the kitchen topless and she caught an eyeful while IN YOUR GREENHOUSE. Absolute madness and I can't believe some people think it's acceptable behaviour.

The comments of she was saving your plants are just bullshit. The OP could have watered them that morning, nosey features had to go in to decode they needed watering, as I said before you shouldn’t water in the heat of the day anyway.
Off she fucks, big girl pants on OP, get her telt, fence up!

Could you put a large planter in front of it to block the door being opened, maybe put a couple so it doesn't look too obvious. I would hate my neighbour entering my garden uninvited, it's your private space

@mummabubs

Install auto watering system with an ap on phone (Hozelock as one on Amazon and it’s amazing) and auto green house window openers which open at a set temp.

Then tell the neighbour it’s all automatic now so she doesn’t have to worry!

I don't think leaving it us a good idea as it may escalate and it will be even harder.

I would say you really appreciate their efforts but would they mind knocking on the gate first to check you are there as you enjoy your privacy.

Just bolting it without talking to them first is a bit aggressive.

im with your hubby on this one , good friendly neighbours are hard to find , unless she starts coming in all the time when your out there , nipping in for tea and the like ,id leave it alone for now , hes also got a point in that your kids will have a companion to play with when their grandson is over , i appreiciate it feels weird because of the gate , but id give her a chance for now , its been twice only , to help your greenhouse when it was hot and you were out ,and another to give your son a present . if you put the fence up im sure they wont be offended , but they will get the message alright which if great , until you might actually want or need them in which case it gets a bit difficult , as they will im sure be polite ,but i wouldnt count on them bending backwards to go out of their way to help

So I ended up chatting to her yesterday as she was about out to come into the garden to tell our son to be careful as she hadn't seen I was out there too(!) 🤦🏻‍♀️ I've said we will be looking to secure the garden and that I'm keen to teach my son that he shouldn't just go into people's gardens without permission. She's actually given me a natural lead as it turns out there's no side gate between their house and the road so if our son were to let himself in and/or the dog then both could get on the road... Or if anyone wanted to access our property they've got unfiltered access now via next door, which we hadn't realised and probably invalidates our home insurance. Fence will be going up.

She really is lovely though and although I find it all a bit much and like being mothered, I can tell she's been very used to people having different boundaries. She was telling me yesterday that if we want any of their veggies we should just let ourselves in and take them, so I replied that this was kind of her but we'd never just go into her garden. She also referred to how 15 years ago when her kids were young other local children used to just pop round unannounced and walk up the side access to come into the garden, which they encouraged. So I get that she's just not used to people wanting their own space. Hopefully I can model that you can have privacy / boundaries and still be friendly!

She sounds lovely. You are very lucky to have her as a neighbour. Count your lucky stars.

Oh gosh. Glad you've spoken to her. Yes, you've got every reason now to get it secured. Child, dog, insurance, open boundary other end. Result!