Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Property/DIY

Join our Property forum for renovation, DIY, and house selling advice.

Original poster

Neighbour letting themselves into our garden - how to politely ask them not to?

103 replies

mummabubs · 16/06/2021 21:57

Hi all,

Moved into our dream house a month ago. One of the many quirky things about here is a connecting gate between us and next door's garden, which we have been told was installed so that the vendors and next door could pop between gardens. We quickly met our next door neighbours and they are absolutely lovely, very friendly to us and our kids etc.

We noticed one day last week that our greenhouse was open when we thought we'd closed it but didn't think much of it. Then the same happened today and our neighbour happened to mention when I saw her later that she'd popped into our garden a couple of times to open the greenhouse and water the plants for us. I completely appreciate that she's done this with the loveliest of intentions, but I'm just not comfortable with anyone randomly popping into our garden. DH doesn't want me to say anything in case it upsets the neighbour or sours our relationship (we plan for this to be our forever home), but truth be told the situation upsets me as I feel on edge knowing that our garden isn't our private space any more and also I want us to have responsibility for our own plants- even if we kill them a few times before we get it right! I feel like I need to say something to gently ask that this doesn't continue. I tried to be careful when she told me not to say anything that might encourage it but she said that it was no problem as she used to do this for her old neighbour all the time. This is kind and obviously worked for them, but I'd like some boundaries to be put in place. (Metaphorical boundaries if not physical!)

Any words of wisdom? Thank you.

OP posts:
FoolsAssassin · 17/06/2021 07:55

I think she overstepped the mark and I would want to deal with that now bit maintain good relations. On balance I think I would go for bolt on gate rather than replacing it entirely with a fence and say the bit about important your DC learns boundaries.

We have a gate between us and next door as it used to be our drive access and we had a right of way. That finished and the house was sold. I would never have gone through it to new neighbours and I think they beat us to it putting a lock on it.

saraclara · 17/06/2021 08:04

Keep it simple. A bolt on your side of the gate, preferably not reachable from their side. You have a child. If they ask, it's perfectly reasonable for you to want to be able to control his safety in your garden, rather than rely on your neighbours ensuring that it's locked on their side.

Grimacingfrog · 17/06/2021 08:10

I'd say,

It's so lovely of you to water the plants. However I just feel a bit on edge knowing people might just pop in. So can we in future have it prearranged so I will ask you if I need a favour and hopefully I can help you out if you're away by watering your garden.

If they continue to come in without permission or notice then I'd just put up the fence.

Bimblybomeyelash · 17/06/2021 08:12

I think that you should leave this for now. Maybe just put a few bags of compost/something bulky in front of the gate to subtly demonstrate that you don’t just want them wandering in without asking. This feels weird to you now as you don’t really know her, but if this is your forever home you may end up being friendly and a neighbour who can pop in and help water the plants may be just the thing you want!

Cocoaone · 17/06/2021 08:13

NDN is totally in the wrong here. The correct thing to do would be for her to say when you met 'btw, I'm a keen gardner and used to pop through the gate and water plants for the old owners. I'm more than happy to keep doing that if you like, just let me know if so'

There should be no assumption that she could effectively trespass on your land whenever she thinks she's being helpful!

Stevenage689 · 17/06/2021 08:15

@Grimacingfrog

I'd say,

It's so lovely of you to water the plants. However I just feel a bit on edge knowing people might just pop in. So can we in future have it prearranged so I will ask you if I need a favour and hopefully I can help you out if you're away by watering your garden.

If they continue to come in without permission or notice then I'd just put up the fence.

Yes. Was just about to say exactly this.

How strange that people would rather lie and pay out to install a fence than just have a quick, honest conversation.

Tell them that you would like to put a bolt your side because you don't feel comfortable with the open access they have and are worried that it makes both houses at risk of burglary.

Say thank you for their watering your plants, but you're happier with the privacy. Offer to water their plants if they're away or unable.

Nohomemadecandles · 17/06/2021 08:18

@custardbear

Put a bolt your side but low down so they can't reach it. Tell them insurance purposes you have to have a secure house and garden. Plus you'd feel safer because of your child

Then follow that conversation by saying 'why don't we open the gates though when your grandson comes to play when we're all outside to ensure they're safe?

Not being funny but you don't know these people from Adam, they could be giving your child presents to groom him - probably arent and they're probably just being nice but you just don't know

Wow, that's a reach! Go, go, Gadget Arms!

I very much doubt they are grooming your children, OP!

Just stopping your plants from wilting in the heat. Can't you just ask them not to?!

"Hi, thanks so much for helping with the plants but we're on top of it now. We've got a schedule and would rather do it ourselves."(Turn conversation to something different - ask about something local like a restaurant recommendation to keep them feeling important/valued/knowledgeable)

Anotherhill · 17/06/2021 08:22

I would just give her the plants and use the greenhouse for storage or put a shed in its place.

MichelleScarn · 17/06/2021 08:29

What's the reason for the bolt being on their side only? I'd get one on your side too as pp have said!

EggbertHeartsTina · 17/06/2021 08:30

This is identical to a plot line from Breeders on Sky - they called the police Grin

user1493494961 · 17/06/2021 08:33

Put a bolt on your side, say it's for child safety reasons, but she'll soon realise you're not as friendly as your DH.

earthyfire · 17/06/2021 09:03

I like my own privacy, my home is my sanctuary therefore, I don't want to suddenly find a neighbour in my garden when I am not in the mood for it. Or to wonder if the neighbour was wondering around my garden while I'm not in. It would put me on edge. I'd get a fence erected, I'd just say it was for security reasons.

HerMammy · 17/06/2021 09:05

The amount of ppl scared to speak up because oh she sounds sweet, OP doesn’t know this woman, for all she knows the previous owners could have been sick of her intrusions.
Do all these pp think it’s ok to go into someone’s garden uninvited? I don’t know anyone who would do this, it’s rude and very presumptuous.

MichelleScarn · 17/06/2021 09:17

@HerMammy

The amount of ppl scared to speak up because oh she sounds sweet, OP doesn’t know this woman, for all she knows the previous owners could have been sick of her intrusions. Do all these pp think it’s ok to go into someone’s garden uninvited? I don’t know anyone who would do this, it’s rude and very presumptuous.
I wonder if was a factor in their moving!
QueeniesCroft · 17/06/2021 09:19

I'd want the fence back up. My neighbours and I have a lovely relationship and we look after their livestock when they go away etc, but there is no way I would want anyone just wandering into my greenhouse (I'm less bothered about the garden, but my greenhouse feels like part of my house).

I know that if I asked her, my neighbour would water my plants for me, but I'd never ask because it's a huge job and takes about 40 mins to do properly. She would never dream of just wandering in and doing whatever she thought necessary. (As a rule though, at this time of year I'd always have the door open in the daytime unless the wind is blowing right into the greenhouse, or it's unusually cold).

I don't think this needs to be the cause of upset or stress, just tell the neighbours that you would feel better with the fence and make it clear that you will pay for it. Then invite her round for coffee and cake, or gin and tonic- whichever works for you!

Shelddd · 17/06/2021 09:36

I guess I'm a bad person but I don't think she sounds sweet.

She trespassed on your property multiple times. She seems rude and invasive and has no respect for your privacy.

I don't think a conversation will do anything. I'd probably replace the gate. Pay for it obviously because it's you that wants it. Be nice but firm you don't need to explain much, just say it doesn't work for you. If you continue to be nice and friendly with them I doubt they'll be bothered for long, they will adjust.

TuesdayRuby · 17/06/2021 09:46

I wouldn’t just suddenly whack a fence up, just talk to them about it! They sounds like decent people so I’m sure they’d be mortified if they knew you were feeling like this.
Just say “do you mind if we keep the boundaries separate for the time being, we’ve only just moved in and it’s what feels right for us in our new space”. I’m sure your neighbours won’t put up a fuss.

Stravaig · 17/06/2021 10:14

I'd tackle this directly.

I'd start with the plants - thank her for rescuing them, but say I found it discombobulating, because you're not used to an open-garden arrangement. Then pivot to the fence. That you like what the gate represents - a warm, trusting relationship between neighbours who have become friends - but that's not the new reality. That she's using the gate with the ease and intimacy of her relationship with the previous neighbours (understandable) but that you and she are strangers, so it feels difficult for you (also understandable). So, while you'd like to keep the gate in place, perhaps you could reset its use to reflect that you are all strangers ... but perhaps and hopefully this will change over time as you all get to know each other. Then back to the plants - could she alert you next time they need attention, perhaps offer some guidance.

Essentially, establish reality and boundaries of current relationship, and offer plants (or any neighbourly interaction) as medium for cultivating it.

LuvMyBubbles · 17/06/2021 11:36

@Cocoaone

NDN is totally in the wrong here. The correct thing to do would be for her to say when you met 'btw, I'm a keen gardner and used to pop through the gate and water plants for the old owners. I'm more than happy to keep doing that if you like, just let me know if so'

There should be no assumption that she could effectively trespass on your land whenever she thinks she's being helpful!

This.
Diamondnights · 17/06/2021 13:51

Put a bolt on your side (that can't be accessed from the other). Then you have equal say in whether access is open or not.

Personally I'd just put up a fence but then I've seen too many situations where seemingly sweet people turn out to be anything but!

Pickledpenguin · 17/06/2021 14:06

She has no right to be on your property at any time without your say so and I would nip this in the bud. Be nice and polite and mention you are putting the fence up or mention that you are putting a lock on the gate and you appreciate her help but you are good to sort your own plants and things. I could not be doing with someone willy nilly accessing my property.

tulips27 · 17/06/2021 14:10

I would feel the same as you, but on the other hand someone who knows their plants and gardening and will do watering is worth their weight in gold! It means you can go on holiday or even away on very hot days and still grow things like tomatoes!

ittakes2 · 17/06/2021 16:04

I am guessing she is attached to the plants - why not offer them to her.

Original poster
mummabubs · 17/06/2021 17:11

Wow, this thread took off overnight!! Thanks all for the replies. To clarify a few bits and bobs:

  • The gate is in the fence, so it's fenced all the way apart from the gap where the gate is.
  • She is absolutely lovely, as is her husband and I have no doubt they just like to be helpful.
  • Having said that... I just don't feel comfortable with it for similar reasons as others have said about feeling on edge. It's very different to arrange to look after eachothers plants when away (and we'd more than happily do so for them).
  • We do know roughly what we're doing with gardening but have waited so long to have our own garden and now it kind of feels like it's not as we don't have full autonomy over the things in it!
  • So, this has happened when I've been at home. I've got a newborn so am spending most of my days naked on my upper half with boobs out and feeding little one. I felt especially uncomfortable when I realised I was at home the most recent time it's happened as I'm now aware that I might not be alone when I think I am.
  • I wouldn't feel comfortable lying to them so wouldn't say anything about insurance etc but I do think putting the fence up again is the only real solution, and in fairness our son is already preoccupied with trying to get into their garden (he currently can't reach the latch) but I don't want him to be able to get in so it would be truthful to say it's to keep him and our dog here.
OP posts:
WombatChocolate · 17/06/2021 17:16

The solutions seems really simple. For now, just put a bolt on your side where they can’t reach it.

I’d pop round and cheerily tell them you’ve done it for security and resssurance your son can’t get out. Simple.

However, if this was me, I wouldn’t have a problem asking the neighbour simply not to come into my garden. Id be friendly and cheery but get the message across.

‘Thanks so much for coming and opening my greenhouse and watering the plants. That was really thoughtful of you, but because I’m a bit nervous about security issues, I hope you won’t mind if I ask you not to come into the garden if we’re not around....just the thought that someone can do that makes me a bit nervous. When we get round to it, we will probably put a lock on our side of the gate, like you have too ....again, just makes me feel the property is more secure. But thanks again for watering the plants. Now shall we arrange to have a coffee or for you to come over sometimes next week....’

Focus on feeling nervous about security and simply wanting a lock in the same way they do.