Should we give up free living with MIL to pay for our own barn conversion?

[Breadhead]

OK, I know I'm actually really lucky to have this problem so before you tell me so - I know!

My family and I moved in with my mother-in-law almost 2 years ago in a big farmhouse. There's lots of space, we even have our own kitchen and front room. This is meant to be forever as dh will inherit the farmhouse. But I'm just not happy here. I don’t like sharing with MiL (it’s not her, she’s lovely, it’s me). I just miss having my own home. And this could be another 20 or 30 years. I bump into her a lot, my 3 year old goes off with her randomly, our bedroom is opposite hers...we share a washing line...I could go on and on.. Maybe all really petty stuff but it all builds up to make me feel not properly at home. I don't see my feelings changing and am so worried I’m going to be battling with my feeling miserable for years.

But am I being selfish? We are saving huge amounts of money and our main income is currently the rent from our previous home as DH is still looking for a job.

My solution - there is a barn on the farmland we could convert into a house, using the money from selling our old house we could just afford it. This would give us an independent home. We could afford it if we sold our first house. But this would also mean we'd lose our 'retirement income' from renting or selling our old house. DH is considering the idea too, but is it really crazy to lose all that money?

So which would you do? Am I being stupid and selfish by wanting to sacrifice all that money to have my own home? Or should we live in the shared farmhouse and enjoy all that extra money we gain for travel, fun etc?

Sell old house, live in barn.
Once DH inherits farmhouse, the barn becomes source of income

And you remain sane

can you think of it as a 5 or even 10 year plan? So spend 2-5 years saving as much as possible & getting planning permissions & working out all the details of what you want to do the barn. Then spend 1-2 years on the build (if you are rent free, you can do things slowly & maybe more cheaply).

That will give you a long-term plan to have your own place, but you can take it slowly & see how the job situation etc changes.

Also, even if you say 'DH will inherit the farmhouse', that is not 100% guaranteed. what if MIL needs long-term care in an expensive care home? or falls for a scam & loses her money? don't rely on an inheritance for your own long term security.

Good idea but I would want my DH to be working before I committed to an expensive project

DH gets job, sell house, convert barn.

Yes DH would have to get another fulltime job before we considered this. It feels like it's choosing mental health over money, feels right, but a bit of another leap!

I’d do it but I’d want my husband to be employed before I did.

Great to see people don't think it's a crazy idea when other people think we've 'got it made' living rent free.

Would the barn be able to be a second source of income eventually? Is it situated such that you could rent it out or sell it when you eventually do move back into the farmhouse?

So do neither of you work atm? How come? I think that would determine what and when

Yes, it sounds like you need your own domain. I love my MIL, but any longer than 3 days together is too much. I need to be queen bee of my own house 😂

Wait for your husband to get a job, then it sounds like you’d be creating a great family home

Yes the barn could be an income in the future though it's quite close to the farmhouse so we'd lose our privacy a bit.

Not working as DH made redundant last year and I lost my job through Covid and also have 3 year old to look after which doesn't help things!!

Alternatively your adult DC live in barn and pay rent

No I don't think we could ever sell the barn as it's in the farmyard, part of the farm buildings right next to the farmhouse

Re. the point about having to sell the house to pay for long term care... I believe (but am happy to be corrected) that you do not have to sell the house if someone other than the person requiring care lives in it. In other words, by moving out you could be increasing that risk. (Of course that statement is only applicable to non privately funded care).

Re. Doing up the house etc, I think you'd reasonably be looking at 4-5 years anyway before:

1. DH gets job
2. Current house sold
3. Design done, planning permission approved (might be better doing this as step 2).
4. Building work complete.

Re. DH getting a job... although this wasn't my initial thought... if your current cirumstances mean he doesn't have to and everyone is happy with that arrangement then is it critical? I think MN forgets that we work to live sometimes. The goal in life shouldn't be to earn as much money as you can but rather earn as much money as you need. As long as the burden isn't unreasonably put on one person and you can live without benefits etc then I genuinely believe it is mental to work more than you have to. Unless working gives you more joy than not working. The default that everyone must work always just cos is very unbalanced.

@RandomMess

Alternatively your adult DC live in barn and pay rent

Yes I had considered that as have 2 teens so not far off! But both keen to go be independent away from home ...😀

@Breadhead

Yes the barn could be an income in the future though it's quite close to the farmhouse so we'd lose our privacy a bit.

Not working as DH made redundant last year and I lost my job through Covid and also have 3 year old to look after which doesn't help things!!

Cross post. Having just said you shouldn't work more than you need to, I don't understand how you will afford to live if you sell your current house and spend the money?

It doesn't take two parents home full time to look after a 3 year old. That being said, 2 parents home full time could be a great thing for DC, as long as you can afford to do that without state support. But surely that would only be possible if you stay with MIL.

So what is most important to you?

Having freedom to earn less money and have more time together as a family or having your own house?

Do you live in an area where the barn could eventually be a holiday let? That could give you a useful income, and you could use it for family visitors at Christmas etc

@Muststopeating

Re. the point about having to sell the house to pay for long term care... I believe (but am happy to be corrected) that you do not have to sell the house if someone other than the person requiring care lives in it. In other words, by moving out you could be increasing that risk. (Of course that statement is only applicable to non privately funded care).

Re. Doing up the house etc, I think you'd reasonably be looking at 4-5 years anyway before:

1. DH gets job
2. Current house sold
3. Design done, planning permission approved (might be better doing this as step 2).
4. Building work complete.

Re. DH getting a job... although this wasn't my initial thought... if your current cirumstances mean he doesn't have to and everyone is happy with that arrangement then is it critical? I think MN forgets that we work to live sometimes. The goal in life shouldn't be to earn as much money as you can but rather earn as much money as you need. As long as the burden isn't unreasonably put on one person and you can live without benefits etc then I genuinely believe it is mental to work more than you have to. Unless working gives you more joy than not working. The default that everyone must work always just cos is very unbalanced.

This is the point I'm pondering over. Doing the barn would mean recreating the pressure to work fulltime for DH when at the moment we're just about managing with little sources of income here and there. However, we are still eating into our savings each month so he (or me!) needs to get something.

But yes, we would be choosing less money and being hopefully happier, over a plentiful income but living with MIL.

"So what is most important to you?

Having freedom to earn less money and have more time together as a family or having your own house?"

The most important thing for me is to be happy so I can be the best mum and not mostly miserable like I have been on the inside.

The time we've had together as a family is special and so fortunate, but DH (or me) needs to get a job regardless of whether we do the barn or not.

Going forward a few years it's probably going to be mainly just me and MIL in the farmhouse most of the day and that thought depresses me!!

@MotherofTerriers

Do you live in an area where the barn could eventually be a holiday let? That could give you a useful income, and you could use it for family visitors at Christmas etc

Yes we're in a good tourist area for holiday lets. Not sure if we'd be allowed to do that with the barn though.

So assuming you get around £2k rental per month over 5 years you could save £120k that would be near enough enough to do your barn conversion? By the time you've done you're drawings, architect and engineers have been involved plus planning, sourcing a builder etc it could well take a few years for you to get started.

In the mean time one or both of you get a part time job to give you spending money etc

Once barn is completed you'll still have your salary from your rental to live on plus no mortgage on the barn as you'd paid for the build outright through saving.

When the time comes move back into the farmhouse, rent barn as air bnb and you'll get a load of addition income.

Potentially look at other sites on the farm to convert to air bnb rental properties and build up a holiday letting business.

Barn could eventually become a B+B ?

The time we've had together as a family is special and so fortunate, but DH (or me) needs to get a job regardless of whether we do the barn or not.

Yes, one of you needs to be working. Or both part time. Just an aside, I find it really interesting that so many on this thread have jumped to DH needs to get a job.

Why don’t YOU get a job? As well as DH. If MIL is lovely and at home, could she babysit the 3 year old until they go to school. Meantime DH can do the housework with MiL while you are working.

Getting out of the house might make you feel better about things.

Can you swap bedrooms also? If there is room in the farmhouse for you, two teens, a 3 year old and MiL I’m guessing you have at least 4 bedrooms, is it possible you could move to a different room further away from MiL?

Also what is the problem with the 3 year old “going off with MiL”. Isn’t it rather normal and nice to spend time with granny?

In your shoes there’s non way I’d sink all my savings in a barn conversion that sounds like it will be a white elephant when you inherit the farmhouse, unless one of your adult children decides to live there permanently which might not be something you want to rely on.