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Original poster

Should we give up free living with MIL to pay for our own barn conversion?

85 replies

Breadhead · 26/05/2021 21:20

OK, I know I'm actually really lucky to have this problem so before you tell me so - I know!

My family and I moved in with my mother-in-law almost 2 years ago in a big farmhouse. There's lots of space, we even have our own kitchen and front room. This is meant to be forever as dh will inherit the farmhouse. But I'm just not happy here. I don’t like sharing with MiL (it’s not her, she’s lovely, it’s me). I just miss having my own home. And this could be another 20 or 30 years. I bump into her a lot, my 3 year old goes off with her randomly, our bedroom is opposite hers...we share a washing line...I could go on and on.. Maybe all really petty stuff but it all builds up to make me feel not properly at home. I don't see my feelings changing and am so worried I’m going to be battling with my feeling miserable for years.

But am I being selfish? We are saving huge amounts of money and our main income is currently the rent from our previous home as DH is still looking for a job.

My solution - there is a barn on the farmland we could convert into a house, using the money from selling our old house we could just afford it. This would give us an independent home. We could afford it if we sold our first house. But this would also mean we'd lose our 'retirement income' from renting or selling our old house. DH is considering the idea too, but is it really crazy to lose all that money?

So which would you do? Am I being stupid and selfish by wanting to sacrifice all that money to have my own home? Or should we live in the shared farmhouse and enjoy all that extra money we gain for travel, fun etc?

OP posts:
TheoMeo · 27/05/2021 04:40

The barn conversion doesn't seem to be ideal as once you sell the house you will have to work. Why not just move back into the house and work.
Also barn conversion is too near MILs house. Making it not great to let.
What do you and DH do all day if there is also another adult in the house? Is there farmland? Could you build pods or run camp site so you aren't home with MIK all the time?

Bluntness100 · 27/05/2021 05:28

Oh I didn’t realise you were both unemployed. That changes it I think, and quite substantially. That wasn’t really clear from your initial post. And you’ve what three kids?

As such, Untill one or both of you are in stable employment I would stay put.

coodawoodashooda · 27/05/2021 05:36

Is there a holiday static caravan close by? I'd rent either a static or lodge, base myself there and come back to the barn for only when I had to.

coodawoodashooda · 27/05/2021 05:37

Oh. You are unemployed. Yeah. Stay put and don't play with fire.

Lawnpop · 27/05/2021 05:45

Why don’t you plan to get a job once your youngest is in school or nursery and then it won’t seem so claustrophobic with your mil as you won’t be in the house all the time?

Frenchfancy · 27/05/2021 05:56

It is not your DH who needs a job it is you. Getting out of the house all day will make a big difference to how you see MIL.

tara66 · 27/05/2021 06:01

If you both were working you would probably be glad of MIL to fall back on occasionally.

Bluntness100 · 27/05/2021 06:09

I think op if you’d say we are both unemployed and we’ve three kids, the responses would have been very different. Everyone assumed you were working, and you had money coming in over the rent.

It would be ludicrous to give up living with your mil and sell the house, giving up the rental income, when neither of you has a job.

I’d also agree if you were both working you’d likely feel differently.

I think that needs to be your first plan, both of you trying to get into employment, and then when you are both stable, in a few years consider again,

Andthenanothercupoftea · 27/05/2021 06:26

Probably comes down to doing some figures - how much would it cost to do, how much would the house sell for, how much rent do you get, what are your livings costs with MiL, how will they change when 3 y/o starts school etc. I'd be getting a spreadsheet out and sorting quotes etc. over the next few months.

I'd also think carefully about the land the barn is on, getting separate title deeds etc. Does it have utilities?

Definitely like your attitude of live to work vs work to live and doing the maths above would help you to see how much you might need to be earning to achieve the goal. Sounds like it would be reasonably in reach even with a modest income, so you and your husband could each get small part time jobs or think about starting a business whilst you have the security.

Bluntness100 · 27/05/2021 06:30

Just an aside, I find it really interesting that so many on this thread have jumped to DH needs to get a job

It’s because she mentions it in her op. I think everyone assumed she had a job. I don’t think anyone guessed their rental was their only source of income and they had at least three kids.

VodselForDinner · 27/05/2021 06:39

I agree with most others- you both need jobs.

What’s the legal situation? Does your husband own any part of the house, tenants in common etc?

From your MIL’s perspective, it sounds like it could be tough for her. She’s now sharing her home with two unemployed adults, a three year old, and a couple of teens. That’s a lot of people in her house all day. What happens if she decides it’s not working and wants her home back to herself?

SausagePourHomme · 27/05/2021 06:49

Absolutely no way would i spend money converting a barn that belongs to MIL on her property. What if she decides not to will it to your DH and someone else becomes the owner when she dies? Or she decides to sell up and wants you all out. You wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

Bluntness100 · 27/05/2021 06:55

How are you saving “huge” amounts of money? Isn’t the rental your only income? With at least five of you to feed, are you not paying your way in terms of all the bills? Council tax, utilities, food etc?

It feels a bit off that you’re all living there because it’s “his inheritance”.

chickensafari · 27/05/2021 06:58

Is the farm in the green belt? Have you looked into whether you could actually get planning permission to convert it?
We live ina farmhouse in the green belt and have just spent a very stressful three years getting planning for a small (ish, two storey) extension and had to knock down a barn to add that volume of space onto the house. It took a v expensive team of solicitors as the planners don't usually approve any building in the green belt.

Its worth looking into what type of land the barn is on and how likely you are to get permission to convert it before setting your heart on converting it.

But good luck with it, and tag me if you need any help with the green belt issue as there is a way around it, and I'm an expert on it all now!

Howshouldibehave · 27/05/2021 07:04

We are saving huge amounts of money

How come though? You have three kids, are both unemployed??

Velvian · 27/05/2021 07:13

Is DH inheriting just the house or the whole farm? I'm wondering why neither of you are working on the farm and drawing an income if you will be running it one day.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 27/05/2021 07:17

@Howshouldibehave

We are saving huge amounts of money

How come though? You have three kids, are both unemployed??

I think OP means that she is saving the costs of rent as she doesn't have this expense (which would be quite high for the housing of 5 people) each month
ineedaholidaynow · 27/05/2021 07:24

What income does your MIL?

Bluntness100 · 27/05/2021 07:25

@Velvian

Is DH inheriting just the house or the whole farm? I'm wondering why neither of you are working on the farm and drawing an income if you will be running it one day.
She didn’t say it was a working farm.
TentTalk · 27/05/2021 07:28

@BruceAndNosh

Sell old house, live in barn. Once DH inherits farmhouse, the barn becomes source of income

And you remain sane

This.
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 27/05/2021 07:33

Considering you said you’ve been eating into your savings, then soneone has to get a job anyway, OP. How can you both save lots of money and use your savings for everydsy living. Clearly the current income is not enough anyway, barn or not.

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/05/2021 07:40

I can honestly see the attraction, my mother in law is lovely but I'd struggle with her living in walking distance nevermind next door.

However, I think it's not feasible until your husband has got a job. It's just too financially risky as it stands I think.

coodawoodashooda · 27/05/2021 07:44

Yeah you can't be saving whilst eating into your savings. I think you have a false sense of security because of your circumstances.

HollowTalk · 27/05/2021 07:49

Anyone else waiting for a thread started by the mother-in-law?

thedogtookit · 27/05/2021 08:03

Sounds like the security of living there has stalled you both looking for work. Get jobs.

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