Should we give up free living with MIL to pay for our own barn conversion?

[Breadhead]

OK, I know I'm actually really lucky to have this problem so before you tell me so - I know!

My family and I moved in with my mother-in-law almost 2 years ago in a big farmhouse. There's lots of space, we even have our own kitchen and front room. This is meant to be forever as dh will inherit the farmhouse. But I'm just not happy here. I don’t like sharing with MiL (it’s not her, she’s lovely, it’s me). I just miss having my own home. And this could be another 20 or 30 years. I bump into her a lot, my 3 year old goes off with her randomly, our bedroom is opposite hers...we share a washing line...I could go on and on.. Maybe all really petty stuff but it all builds up to make me feel not properly at home. I don't see my feelings changing and am so worried I’m going to be battling with my feeling miserable for years.

But am I being selfish? We are saving huge amounts of money and our main income is currently the rent from our previous home as DH is still looking for a job.

My solution - there is a barn on the farmland we could convert into a house, using the money from selling our old house we could just afford it. This would give us an independent home. We could afford it if we sold our first house. But this would also mean we'd lose our 'retirement income' from renting or selling our old house. DH is considering the idea too, but is it really crazy to lose all that money?

So which would you do? Am I being stupid and selfish by wanting to sacrifice all that money to have my own home? Or should we live in the shared farmhouse and enjoy all that extra money we gain for travel, fun etc?

@PresentingPercy

Well what does MIL think? All f this’d land is hers isn’t it? You seem keen on planning enterprises on land you do not own. You need to establish a company and establish who owns what in the future. I would live happily in a converted barn by the way. I’m granny age I guess.

Obviously we have discussed doing businesses on the land with MIL! Yes she is very keen for any business that would ensure the future of the farm and land to stay in the family and provide an income.

I am not planning any businesses myself, I'm happy dealing with small stuff, it's my DH who wants to and I want to support him. Just want to feel happy too so we're all happy and figuring out if separate housing might be sensible or financially dumb.

@YellowFish12

This isn't really a property decision, its a 'life' decision.

TBH if you have shaky mental health, the LAST thing you want to be embarking on is a barn conversion. Stress stress stress stress STRESS

Yes, it does seem more like a 'life' decision. But would be dumb to not consider the financial implications either.

Yep, shaky mental health but only since moving here. I am feeling brighter at the prospect of possibly not having to share a house for the next 20 years or so.

Someone else suggested you change bedrooms. I know that must be inhibiting, sleeping in a room opposite your MIL's.

I just didn't envisage myself feeling so miserable sharing a house.

I couldn’t live with my in-laws. They are lovely but very overbearing and sensitive, so I’d either be constantly on eggshells and feeling miserable myself, or my MiL would feel out of control and cry a lot. It was difficult before I was pregnant, it’d be a nightmare with kids. They had their only child in the 80s and they’ve known that I’m pregnant for less than a week; and they’ve already said that they’re upset that we didn’t seem to take on board their comments about discipline being important and a one-two-three-smack method being the most effective...

I just couldn’t do it. I think we’d all be miserable. In your case, not living with MiL is going to take some big changes - right now you can both afford to be a little laissez-faire with regards to work and income; and that’d have to change; and it might have an impact on any inheritance down the line... but you have to make decisions based on everyone’s wellbeing.

If yours is being badly impacted by this; and you don’t think any mitigating factors would help, it’s time to make a change. First you’ll have to work with DH to make sure that between you, you’ve got enough money, and it’s stable.

Then you can consider where you live, whether it’s the barn; whether it’s elsewhere, if it’s the barn, how you maintain boundaries while being so close...

I think if I was MIL I might just convert the barn for myself, live in peace and charge you rent on the farmhouse...😉

What I suggested re MIL in (very nice converted) barn is a real life situation I know has personally worked really well. Farmhouses are not really like other houses in that they tend to be passed on to next generation and if that building has more space it could make sense for the larger family . The MIL I know was ready to move into somewhere new, lots of widows feel this but don't want to sell as it is tied up with the land and the farm.
It isn't turfing her out if it is what both parties want.

NRFT, but I think

• DH gets job
• you sell your house
• convert barn

is a great plan. However:

• maybe sell the house now (as prices may fall)
• wait a bit to do the barn - a year or 2 (building costs currently ridiculous)

• maybe make sure that the barn is designed in such a way that if your MIL becomes infirm it would suit her needs and you could swap (ie have a spacious downstairs shower room & loo, 1 room that could be a bedroom downstairs, keep ground floor all on 1 level)

Look into whether you can rent the barn conversion out /if there is a rental market for such properties (if not, you could sell without CGT if it has been your main home)

Using the position you are in to develop a property seems like a great idea, and you can talk about the financial aspect to your MIL. I v much understand not wanting to live with her - this is a tactful get out :)

Yes! We are currently thinking about Shepherds Huts on some spare land. That's a definite source of income and possibly means we could do the barn and still have a source of income for our retirement.

This and the barn sound like such a good idea for you.

Go for it! It sounds exciting and a really positive move. The barn for your mental health (and I would feel exactly the same as you), and the tourist business as a source of extra income.

@Quitelikeacatslife

What I suggested re MIL in (very nice converted) barn is a real life situation I know has personally worked really well. Farmhouses are not really like other houses in that they tend to be passed on to next generation and if that building has more space it could make sense for the larger family . The MIL I know was ready to move into somewhere new, lots of widows feel this but don't want to sell as it is tied up with the land and the farm. It isn't turfing her out if it is what both parties want.

Yes, farmhouses don't seem to be the same, and as wonderful as it is for DH to have an 'inheritance in waiting' (it's currently given to him in her will) it does also tie us to staying here.

Nice idea about MIL having the barn conversion for her. I think that would be up to her to suggest if we ever do raise the possibility of our doing the barn conversion.

I really appreciate all the feedback I've received, both positive and negative. It's good for me to consider both sides and its definitely giving me plenty to think about. First step either way is one of us getting some more work soon!