Should we give up free living with MIL to pay for our own barn conversion?

[Breadhead]

OK, I know I'm actually really lucky to have this problem so before you tell me so - I know!

My family and I moved in with my mother-in-law almost 2 years ago in a big farmhouse. There's lots of space, we even have our own kitchen and front room. This is meant to be forever as dh will inherit the farmhouse. But I'm just not happy here. I don’t like sharing with MiL (it’s not her, she’s lovely, it’s me). I just miss having my own home. And this could be another 20 or 30 years. I bump into her a lot, my 3 year old goes off with her randomly, our bedroom is opposite hers...we share a washing line...I could go on and on.. Maybe all really petty stuff but it all builds up to make me feel not properly at home. I don't see my feelings changing and am so worried I’m going to be battling with my feeling miserable for years.

But am I being selfish? We are saving huge amounts of money and our main income is currently the rent from our previous home as DH is still looking for a job.

My solution - there is a barn on the farmland we could convert into a house, using the money from selling our old house we could just afford it. This would give us an independent home. We could afford it if we sold our first house. But this would also mean we'd lose our 'retirement income' from renting or selling our old house. DH is considering the idea too, but is it really crazy to lose all that money?

So which would you do? Am I being stupid and selfish by wanting to sacrifice all that money to have my own home? Or should we live in the shared farmhouse and enjoy all that extra money we gain for travel, fun etc?

I think mil has been great in helping you out. You could have stayed in your own house and been forced to work to pay the bills. Like everyone else. So you could get your space back by going home!

Mil is presumably not that old so she’s not leaving you anything in the immediate future. I think learning how to pay for what you want without reliance on others is a good start.

Have you both been looking for employment?

Is your mother-in-law happy with the situation?

I wouldn’t give up what you have without secure employment.

Would love a conundrum like this.

Someone close to me sold their house, converted barn as house for MIL with modern amenities suitable for older living, near to GC and for future care , company then converted farmhouse to be amazing family home. All legals/deeds need to be signed over.

Wow, some great responses here. I think I didn't make the situation clear enough re jobs.

We moved here after FIL passed away 2 years ago to help MIL out with farm maintenance and because we'd planned on moving up eventually anyway and renovating the barn. It already has architects plans drawn up. But we weren't expecting FIL dying 😔.

It's not a working farm, land is rented to other farmers and that's MIL's income. DH has little bits of remote IT work that has helped boost our income and is renting out some sheds for storage. He is generally busy outside or in, as am I, no one hangs around bored here.

I have felt quite low generally and in all honesty I've been focusing on trying to get out, take DS3 places and meet friends. As well as all the extra driving teens to school and college. The motivation and time to do extra work beyond that has been low.

@PresentingPercy

I think mil has been great in helping you out. You could have stayed in your own house and been forced to work to pay the bills. Like everyone else. So you could get your space back by going home!

Mil is presumably not that old so she’s not leaving you anything in the immediate future. I think learning how to pay for what you want without reliance on others is a good start.

Yes she is lovely. We are hardworking people though and don't take anything from her, we help her out whenever needed.

DH has always worked and only recently been made redundant last year. It's not his fault we have no main income but admittedly if we'd been at our old home he would probably have had to get any job to keep us going.

I know it's a fortunate conundrum.

Seriously think about doing the barn for MIL if the farmhouse is bigger footprints for all of you. Better for future proofing. You could use some of house sale money making it how you want it long term and so it feels like yours. Your MIL might surprise you that more modern living might suit her as she gets older and still gives her independence. Longer term one of your older kids might want it and you wouldn't be uprooted again.

@Quitelikeacatslife

Seriously think about doing the barn for MIL if the farmhouse is bigger footprints for all of you. Better for future proofing. You could use some of house sale money making it how you want it long term and so it feels like yours. Your MIL might surprise you that more modern living might suit her as she gets older and still gives her independence. Longer term one of your older kids might want it and you wouldn't be uprooted again.

Why should the mother have to move out of her own house and live in a barn?

HollowTalk

Anyone else waiting for the thread started by the mil?

That really made me laugh.

From bitter divorce experiences I can guarantee you that messing with your financial security won't give you the headspace that you are craving. It will make you feel more stuck than ever. Whilst I can totally empathise with your frustration, at least at the moment you do have a sizeable pot of gold for a rainy day. I don't think that this is your rainy day.

@coodawoodashooda

HollowTalk

Anyone else waiting for the thread started by the mil?

That really made me laugh.

From bitter divorce experiences I can guarantee you that messing with your financial security won't give you the headspace that you are craving. It will make you feel more stuck than ever. Whilst I can totally empathise with your frustration, at least at the moment you do have a sizeable pot of gold for a rainy day. I don't think that this is your rainy day.

Yes, this does worry me slightly. I don't want to feel stuck anywhere. I realise we would be losing our money pot by doing the barn and what if....what if.... the awful happened and separated and we were stuck in the future with an asset we couldn't split.

And yes, I feel quite guilty going behind MIL's back and asking for advice on here, but wan't sure what else to do. I would praise her wildly for starting her own thread!

@Quitelikeacatslife

Seriously think about doing the barn for MIL if the farmhouse is bigger footprints for all of you. Better for future proofing. You could use some of house sale money making it how you want it long term and so it feels like yours. Your MIL might surprise you that more modern living might suit her as she gets older and still gives her independence. Longer term one of your older kids might want it and you wouldn't be uprooted again.

I don't think I would want that, nor she. I also would prefer to live in my own designed barn if we were to go the the trouble and expense of doing it.

@PresentingPercy

I think mil has been great in helping you out. You could have stayed in your own house and been forced to work to pay the bills. Like everyone else. So you could get your space back by going home!

Mil is presumably not that old so she’s not leaving you anything in the immediate future. I think learning how to pay for what you want without reliance on others is a good start.

That's quite harsh. We are paying our own bills and making no extra expense for MIL. We are not relying on her, she is not 'helping us out', we came up here to help after FIL died. We have years and years of hard work behind us both. Can't help the fact there's no rent on the farmhouse.

We are still paying for mortgage on our old home and have taken zero state benefits. DH is doing little jobs when he gets them to earn extra and looking for full-time work (interview this afternoon actually).

@Quitelikeacatslife

Seriously think about doing the barn for MIL if the farmhouse is bigger footprints for all of you. Better for future proofing. You could use some of house sale money making it how you want it long term and so it feels like yours. Your MIL might surprise you that more modern living might suit her as she gets older and still gives her independence. Longer term one of your older kids might want it and you wouldn't be uprooted again.

Wtf?this isn’t suggesting they turf her out her own home to live in the barn?

It’s not is it?

@pilates

Have you both been looking for employment?

Is your mother-in-law happy with the situation?

I wouldn’t give up what you have without secure employment.

No, we wouldn't go ahead with the barn conversion until DH had a secure job (I am a freelancer so never been secure).

The issue is basically mental health vs money and I'm just wondering if the ban conversion be a financially flawed plan and I just have to accept this is it, and find ways to improve my MH in other ways.

I think if your husband has secure employment and is in it for a couple of years then you can contemplate it, but until him, or you, is in secure employment I’d not consider getting rid of your main source of income.

@Breadhead
You did not think it was particularly harsh at 9.27 am.. I am sure you do not need benefits but you are having the use of a large property, clearly have a decent income without working, and are now complaining about it.

You would surely be putting money into a barn you did not own. It belongs to your MIL. So the legal ramifications of this would need to be sorted out. Who would own what? Your MIL could give you the farm now. Or make you joint owners. Or set it up as a company or trust.

Lots of men die and leave widows in houses that are too big. MIL is not farming. She has rented out her land. I think I would never have expected to stay in her house. What hell does she now need? I would have discussed with her whether it was right for her to stay and what her long term plans were. My mum did sell a larger house she could not manage on her own. There was no way we were moving in to help her manage it. We have our own lives and our children’s needs.

Having a frank discussion about how the property can be managed ends up being the pragmatic thing to do. I do think you see yourselves as some sort of saviours for moving in, but an honest conversation on how you all manage your lives and properties in future is what you need. MIL needs to evaluate her position too. What does she need now? What solution best meets her needs?

Ooops!!!! Not hell! What housing does she now need?

I would convert the barn and live in it.

Is there more land on the property? I know you said you’re in a touristy area. Just thinking could you also add a shepherd’s hut or two on there that you rent as holiday lets? They don’t have a massive footprint, so could be tucked away somewhere maybe?!

Of course it’ll be hard work, but tourists love a shepherd’s hut! And that could give you another stream of income?

We certainly don't see ourselves as saviours. I'm just trying to explain (probably badly) that we didn't move up to save money and stop working, we moved up because it made sense to try and start some farm businesses up here as that was our long-term plan anyway.

I'm not complaining about our income, I've already said I realise how fortunate we are. I just didn't envisage myself feeling so miserable sharing a house. So obviously the issue then becomes less about money and more about looking at other options. I'm just not very good at living with someone else who I don't relate to properly.

@Propertyquestion1

I would convert the barn and live in it.

Is there more land on the property? I know you said you’re in a touristy area. Just thinking could you also add a shepherd’s hut or two on there that you rent as holiday lets? They don’t have a massive footprint, so could be tucked away somewhere maybe?!

Of course it’ll be hard work, but tourists love a shepherd’s hut! And that could give you another stream of income?

Yes! We are currently thinking about Shepherds Huts on some spare land. That's a definite source of income and possibly means we could do the barn and still have a source of income for our retirement.

@Lawnpop

Why don’t you plan to get a job once your youngest is in school or nursery and then it won’t seem so claustrophobic with your mil as you won’t be in the house all the time?

Yes, I do need to do something else and work again. The trouble is my work is home-based as I'm a freelancer so would be here anyway, working from home. Not complaining though - just a fact!

@SausagePourHomme

Absolutely no way would i spend money converting a barn that belongs to MIL on her property. What if she decides not to will it to your DH and someone else becomes the owner when she dies? Or she decides to sell up and wants you all out. You wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

Should have explained this point too -

The bar belongs to my husband. FIL 'sold' it to him a few years ago with an acre of land with the idea that we were going to do the barn conversion in the future, so all architects plans are mostly drawn up already. The plan stopped when FIL died as it made more financial sense then to just move straight up into the farmhouse.

Barn, not bar

Well what does MIL think? All f this’d land is hers isn’t it? You seem keen on planning enterprises on land you do not own. You need to establish a company and establish who owns what in the future. I would live happily in a converted barn by the way. I’m granny age I guess.

This isn't really a property decision, its a 'life' decision.

TBH if you have shaky mental health, the LAST thing you want to be embarking on is a barn conversion. Stress stress stress stress STRESS