Estate Agent cliches / pet peeves

[CoronaIsWatching]

What really grinds your gears on estate agent property listings?

Mine are;

• "For sale by the modern method of auction"
• "The ever popular x"
• "In need of modernisation"
• Some generic statement about being close to bars, shops and restaurants

Every day during my property search I see each of the above, drives me barmy!

I forgot this one!

is a bit like Paul Daniels (a magician) and David Copperfield (an illusionist), all having the ability to perform tricks that deceive the eye! You could be forgiven for thinking that this bungalow has acres of land, when in reality there are easily managed (and very neatly tended) gardens due to the facts that it backs onto, faces and abuts open countryside with delightful far reaching rural views. For many, this will be total bliss; perhaps your ideal forever home - yes, it really is that good! The fact that you could be miles from civilization is also an illusion. There are neighbours nearby, but not so close as to be obtrusive. Also, it is well placed for access by car into nearby with its shops, doctor, dentist, pubs, restaurants and schools, including the highly acclaimed High School, whilst larger centres are also easily accessible at _ This extended property has been fastidiously maintained by the current owners and provides adaptable accommodation with up to 4 double bedrooms, if required. It is likely that most people will spend a great deal of time in the open plan refitted kitchen/dining/family room with its large windows that overlook the rear garden. Indeed, most windows have lovely views over the surrounding countryside, something to make many of your friends and family green with envy. Outside, there is parking for numerous cars in the driveway and double garage and the rear garden is enclosed for the safety of children and pets. In summary, an inspection of this mature bungalow is most strongly recommended - we invite you to come and feel the magic!!

Napping nightmare no, the ones with the headlines are HC and the Aspirational Homes are M.

I hate 'conveniently located' ... conveniently located 3 miles from the train station

Conveniently located next to a park

It's not convenient, it just happens to be next to a park, near the train station

Everything you have all put but especially the doctored photos where every corner has been stretched and pulled to make rooms look massive, kitchen cupboards to look ginormous etc.

You can usually spot a few correctly shaped tiles or floorboards and by the time you run your eyes to the edge of the photo, they’ve quadrupled in length.

One near us which is 'convenient for local schools' regularly has its drive blocked by s hook parents parking

School parents

Benefits from - my biggest peeve.
Early viewing essential to avoid disappointment. Drumming up excitement for usually bog standard property
Offered to the market for the first time in x years. It’s that ‘offered to the market’ which grated.
Quirky/unusual etc - warning sign.
In need of some modernisation - usually complete refurb.
In this ever popular bustling locale - busy and noisy
Sea glimpses - not planning to stand on bed on tiptoe for them thanks.
Which with a bit of vision could be x - would need Jodrell Bank telescope to envision anything
Adjoining field available by separate arrangement - rarely is.

However sometimes they are spot on - have viewed properties with eg -
Huge potential
Exceptional 180 degree sea views
Interesting range of outbuildings
Accessed over rough track - yes - left the car and walked.
Nestled in an area of outstanding natural beauty - when that nestled is right it’s lovely !

@FatimaMunchy ah yes, it was actually HC I was thinking of not S&P! Trying to think who M are now haha.

I once rented a teeny one-bedroom cluster house which had, according to the lettings agent, a "family bathroom". It also had "excellent transport links". The walls used to shake when the trains went past, and if I was in the bath or had a drink the water would ripple. I actually really missed it when I moved

Close up photos of random fixtures and fittings, like a tap.
Photos of the local area (harbour, beach) made to look as if the property has a view of this location when in fact it’s four miles inland.
Rainbows superimposed on outdoor shots.
“Deceptively spacious” is always a lie.

I used to live in a house that was sold about 15 years ago. 5 years later it was for sale again after being renovated so I decided to have a nosy. Well the estate agents had written this twee untrue story about how a lady had driven past it 25 years ago, knew it was her dream home. Had raised her beautiful family there. There was a paragraph about fucking christmas trees, snow in the garden and children. How WONDERFUL it was for her family. I was a bit confused as to how I had not noticed this lady and her children living in the home at the same time as us and contacted the estate agent to question why they had written such a load of old rubbish ( by this point I had been contacted by a couple of bemused friends who were also saying wtf). I was fobbed off, promised calls back and nothing happened aside from the fact they eventually removed the twaddle and made it more factual

Round here all properties seem to be ‘nestled’ rather than located and always on an ‘ever popular’ street.

X and X 'are delighted to bring to the market' every bloody house in the area. Yes even the hovel I looked at which was so so overpriced and was a damp, smelly wreck

Oh and wanky photos of a 'Just Cook' sign in same hovel ( honestly the kitchen should have been condemned)

@2020isnotbehaving

I’ve been living opposite a building site development which has billboards boasting of “private outdoors gardens” ffs gardens are all outdoors!!

Not necessarily! I once had a flat with a ' winter garden'

I've just had a quick look through ours and have spotted
An ideal purchase for the discerning buyer
Sought after area, and sort after area
ENVIABLE plot
We are proud to bring to the market
Homes on this road don't come up often (there are currently 4 for sale)
Potential, potential, potential
Sure to be popular, book early to avoid disappointment - then why is it still for sale two years later

Mind you, our last house was deceptively spacious and it really was. From the road it looked really small, but it was very deep.

In the catchment area for A and B primary school. Can't be right, can it?

I sold a house recently and asked the agent to rewrite the particulars before I ok’d them. Just stupid phrases that I didn’t want connected with the house at all ! After that I was what they described as ‘the perfect seller’ but no doubt they were worried about me being a pita at the start.
Oh I also asked for a simple ‘sale price’ rather than their suggested ‘offers in excess of’ or or ‘asking price’ etc. In the end I did get in excess of my price but by that time those who wanted it knew where they were vis a vis each other and had a good idea of how to pitch it. I hate oieo.

We were told by an agent that OIEO is more modern, because she'd been on the training, and her boss was more old fashioned because he didn't like it. I don't like it either.
She also told us our road was 'up there with X Road'. I didn't understand that because locally our road is in the more desirable part of the town and no houses in X Road are as big.

Personally, I don’t have a problem with OIEO.

Locally, agents do it often - they list the house at a competitive price to drum up quick interest, get a bit of competition going and sell quickly.

To me it makes more sense than slapping another 10% onto the price to see who and when fancies negotiating it down to an acceptable level.

Probably works if you are in.a popular area and competition for the property is likely I suppose.

The house we bought said ‘located on the ever popular’ .. its a 4 year old estate & they are the first people to sell their house on the entire estate since it was built. 😂 I mean, it’s nice & I imagine had a lot of interest when it was built ..

Our agent was a CAPITAL LETTERS agent 🙈

There’s an area round me that’s always ‘convenient for the outstanding xx school’ .. it’s 10 minutes away & fails to mention the whole area is outside catchment & the school is heavily over subscribed by locals.. 🙄

None of the EAs in my area can even manage "benefits form" which is at least grammatical. Here we get "benefiting an ensuite to the master bedroom" which leaves me shouting "benefiting from, you illiterate bastards"

@Zebrahooves

I've just had a quick look through ours and have spotted An ideal purchase for the discerning buyer Sought after area, and sort after area ENVIABLE plot We are proud to bring to the market Homes on this road don't come up often (there are currently 4 for sale) Potential, potential, potential Sure to be popular, book early to avoid disappointment - then why is it still for sale two years later

Mind you, our last house was deceptively spacious and it really was. From the road it looked really small, but it was very deep.

I just checked the listing for my own house from 2 years ago and weirdly it didn’t say “deceptively spacious” because it actually is too, everyone calls it the Tardis.

It did advertise it as “open plan living” though, which it most certainly isn’t! Luckily I looked at the photos and could see that it was not.

Also said that the area “boasts local restaurants” presumably as opposed to non local ones...

I was looking at a listing for a house in the next village the other day and I shit you not every single photo was of some random fixture or fitting or on some squinty angle with all sorts out of focus. Presumably in order to draw you away from the fact that they were asking £450k for a half built bungalow. It irritates me no end though. I mean I can see the benefit of adding a roaring fire photo or a nice artsy photo of the bathroom if you’re trying to sell some £££££ lifestyle property, but when it’s a £150k semi on a housing estate it’s all a little bit much isn’t it?!

The phrase ‘close to local amenities’.

Of course it’s close to local amenities, otherwise they wouldn’t be local!