Disappointed

[shobiddi]

Hey everyone.

I’m a bit sad because my daughter is applied to several consortium schools one of which is Godolphin and we just found one she isn’t invited for an interview.
She has been in tears and shambles and is very disappointed. She has studied very hard and she felt she did well in the Consortium test as well as we have given her extra support with maths. I guess it was her English to let her down since she’s bilingual.
We are waiting to hear from St Pauls next week ( and I know about the relation of if you don’t get into Godolphin and you don’t get into Saint Paul’s and vice versa so not gonna tell her about that) and she has an interview with City and South Hampstead the week after.

after what happened she doesn’t believe she will get into any of the schools. She has been very disheartened and very discouraged and I feel this is affecting her mentally. I am in tears to be honest any words of wisdom and kindness you can give me.

TIA

My very brainy eldest child got two rejections when doing the 11 plus - but got into the top two schools. My DC2 got rejected by a very average school but accepted at a top tier school, don't give up hope.

With the added VAT pressure, more people are likely to consider state schools, so the catchment areas may shrink.

My son did the 11+ (different part of the country), and should have comfortably got in with his score. That year, everyone scored much higher (eventually got in from waiting list).

you would think it would be less demand with VAT… apparently they have higher demand but apparently it’s more!

I love your optimism ☺️
thank you 🙏🏼

I missed this… they call you for interview anyway after the test. And based on those 2 factors they give you an offer.

She’s 10, FFS!

last I checked this the Education forum and people come here to talk about schools and not world problem.

Also, don’t come here and me tell me about first worlds world problems!
I come from a country that had witnessed 2 wars from the day I was born until I got married where living in shelters, listening to bombs, bullets and sonic booms is the NORM.
To add to that I had an emotionally and mentally abusive parent since the age of 8!
so EXCUSE ME if I’m trying to protect MY child at any cost possible.
And instead of commenting on here about my child’s “not having thick skin”.. I suggest you get off the internet and deal with your issues and the world

Sorry to hear that your daughter is disappointed, but she should be very proud of what she has already achieved! 11plus are called exams but really they are more than that and apart from a few genuinely outstanding children, most of them are pretty much as equally bright and prepared, so it really is a bit of luck on the day that makes the difference.
On the day of the examinations, I told my daughter to try to "enjoy" the process, particularily with those team work second rounds, or SPFG more "out there" 2nd round and that coming from a state school, she should already be proud no matter what the outcome.

On that note, has anyone received emails for SPFG's interview, not sure if they are meant to be out today or tomorrow as some interviews are on Saturday?

Thank you so much.

I’m so proud of her, but you know she’s in the top maths class and her English is good. So she’s just doesn’t understand what happened, especially since she studied so hard.

All the girls and her school were not called in for an interview except for 2. one of them has been heavily tutored, and the other one actually has special case so I guess that was taking more into consideration with the application process.

she’s already come to terms with that SPFG will not call her which is ok .

apparently emails come out Wednesday. Good luck with your daughter 😊

Well I can't speak for the prep schools as I ve no experience, but lots of the state children taking the test are probably top of their class in maths and English too, the process is fairly ruthless for 10 years old...
I'll cross my fingers for SPFG for you, I hope you'll get good news! And in any case good luck with the interviews she has! Well done!
Thank you for letting me know re Wednesday emails, that's very kind of you!

@Hermionegranger2014
Thank you so much. I really don’t know what to tell you. This has really affected her mentally and has shaken up her confidence that she believes she doesn’t have what it takes anymore.

she’s now anxious and worried that this will show in her interviews.

she is not hopeful about SPFG which is fine but the system needs to reassess itself and what it is doing to the mental health of children not just girls but boys as well.

OP, I’m sorry for you and your DD and can certainly relate to the desperate desire to protect them from disappointment. It sounds as though you have done all the right things in terms of how you’ve reacted to this set back in front of your DD.

Gently, however, it sounds like you are at a prep so surely you must have known how brutal the 11+ process is (from those in years above) and you obviously know and understand your daughter and her personality. I wonder if you should have applied to these super academic schools - knowing the extent to which it is a bit of a lottery - if rejection has had such a huge impact on her that she doesn’t want to go to school and has convinced herself that there’s no point continuing with her other applications. I know there’s nothing you can do about that now, but perhaps more of a warning for others - I have a younger DS but we are starting the preparation now and I have framed it as finding the right school for him because all schools look for different things and that is why the tests are all different. It is such a hard line to tread with DC but I do wonder if very sensitive children are suited to these gruelling applications where the likelihood is at least one school will reject them (even complete geniuses might struggle with interviews / group exercises etc.).

Thank you so much ☺️
I knew what we were up against and we applied to both academic and non academic because I think they are tough to get into. I did everything I could and so did she.
The reason she is so disappointed, is because she studied so hard and she really invested in herself, she’s a top student and she didn’t get in.
yes, the system is ruthless and I honestly think it needs to change. Especially that I have to go through this process next year with my other child who has ADHD 😞

yes, the system is ruthless and I honestly think it needs to change.

How would you change it, whilst keeping it objective/fair to all applicants and allowing for school staff being mostly required to do teaching and thus having a fairly limited amount of time for the admissions process?

ETA I do hope she starts to feel better and manages the interviews she does have well.

I don’t know.. I didn’t study here.
But surely there is a way to make this easier.
we just got a No from St Paul’s, so she’s accepted it.
I hope she feels better, I do that see that she is sad but at this point there’s nothing I can do except comfort her and make her feel that there is something good out there for her.
Thank you so much for your support 😊

But surely there is a way to make this easier.

Unfortunately, there is no getting away from the fact that a high proportion of applicants to private school at this stage will not be successful in some or all of their choices, whatever the assessment method used.

As regards changing the system- one approach would be a cap on how many schools each child can apply for, maybe 4 as a max. Right now it’s a vicious circle with parents feeling insecure about the chances of an offer, so they apply for more and more schools, so each school has more applicants and everyone’s chances of an offer to their preferred school decreases (except those right at the top who get offers everywhere). It’s also unhelpful for the schools when making offers as they have no idea if you really want that school and will accept an offer or if it’s number 5/6/7 for you.

However, I think in a few years the issue will decrease to some extent anyway. The birth rate peaked in 2012 and each year after that has fewer kids, combine that with the impacts of Brexit and VAT and I would expect fewer applicants each year.

Appreciate none of this helps you currently OP - or me going through it with DC2 next year.

I agree with Minipie but think parents can reduce the stress by applying for fewer schools.

We’ve only ever applied for 3 indies per child: an aspirational, a preferred choice and a back up. We didn’t get the aspirational in either case but had offers from the other two. It meant there wasn’t a drawn out round of testing and rejections.

I think the arms race on tutoring is another problem and choices have to be made about drawing a line to protect the child.

I don’t know what to say. The system for me is strange But I guess it is what it is.

and also the idea of the occasional places and waiting for an offer, this is just all new to me to be honest. And I was wondering what happens if you accept an offer from the school and then change your mind because another offer opened up, what do you do?

honestly, I did think like you with Brexit and the VAT. There would be less demand. Apparently this year there was more demand than usual for the schools which is strange I think.

anyway I wish you the best of luck if you need any questions or help you can always DM ☺️

Honestly, I just don’t understand all of this. Now , my only concern is her mental well-being to be good and how I’m going to do this again next year with a child has ADHD.😫

Do you mean you didn’t understand my response or the process generally?

I feel the same, that protecting their mental well being is absolutely as important as the schools they get offers from.

I have two dc with adhd and it’s been fine tbh, but I have prioritised reducing stress on them where possible.

" and also the idea of the occasional places and waiting for an offer, this is just all new to me to be honest. And I was wondering what happens if you accept an offer from the school and then change your mind because another offer opened up, what do you do?"

In this instance, you would lose your deposit and also, depending on timing, probably be liable for the first term of fees at the school you are now rejecting.

Schools try to make initial offers on approximately the same date so that parents can make an informed decision, and it is kind to decline other offers early once you have made a decision, to allow other waiting lists to move.

However - kindly and as you said yourself upthread - if your DD did not do well enough on the exam at a given school to move on to interview stage, she would probably not qualify to remain on the waiting list for September entry or for an occasional place.

and also the idea of the occasional places and waiting for an offer, this is just all new to me to be honest. And I was wondering what happens if you accept an offer from the school and then change your mind because another offer opened up, what do you do?

In general- the London day schools all tend to make their offers in the week before Feb half term. And they all have virtually the same acceptance deadline, from memory early March. Schools will make firm offers and also some “waiting list” offers for kids who nearly made the cut.

Life can be stressful for those who have been given a “waiting list” offer in Feb. Generally they need to take the best firm offer they have at the March deadline (and pay the deposit for it), and then wait and see if they get something they prefer after that. Schools will go to their waiting list when others have turned firm offers down.

As for the deposit, some schools will refund the deposit if you rescind your acceptance early enough, others will not.

Prep school heads can be very helpful at this stage, for example if you are on a WL for your preferred school and will definitely accept it if it turns into a firm offer, then the prep schools can pass this information on and this helps make it more likely that the school will offer to you if they can (since they all prefer making offers they know will be accepted).

Not all schools use waiting lists and even when they do, they may never end up giving offers to people on the WL - it all depends on how many accepted their first round offers in Feb.

Occasional places is a different thing and is moving during year 7 or 8, this depends on someone leaving a place opening up, usually you would need to reapply for these.

This is a moment in time, and she will be on the path she is destined to be on. What I'm saying is, she will go to the school she is meant to go to.
My academic child did not do well in the interview for one of the top schools in the country, and now goes to an amazing smaller mixed private, and is thriving and extremely happy.

It all feels so unfair and hard going now, but it's a moment in time she won't dwell on. She will go to the school she is meant to go to.