My daughters olny friend is leaving the school, what are the chances of my daughter getting in at her new school ?

[mummyloveslucy]

Hi, my daughter is in the reception class of a private primary school. She has some SEN's and has found it hard to make friends. She does have one very close friend who has an older brother with similar needs to my daughter, so she understands her. My daughter is her only real friend too.
This little girl is changing schools soon and I'm going to be taking my daughter out too as I don't feel the school is going to be right for her as she goes into year 1.
I'm going to see what school this little girl gets into, then put my daughters name on the waiting list. Her mum has chosen 3 schools that we'd be very happy with too.
I'm not sure what the chances are of them getting into the same school, and how long we'd have to wait for a place?
I really get on with her mum too, so it'd be a real shame for all of us if they couldn't stay together.
I know if my daughter had a statement of SEN's she could go to any school we wanted, but she dosn't yet have one. I would need to get her one when she starts her new school, but the private school won't support it, as they don't take children with statements. Would she be more likely to get a place at our chosen school if we told them that we'd get her a statement?

Would it be worth looking at other schools too, in case one of them would be a good choice for your DD and her needs, as opposed to a school which is a good choice for the other little girl?

We have been to see several already, and our three favourates are the ones that she's on the waiting lists for. The problem is, they have good reputations and so they're more likely to be full.

I'm not sure where you are, but it may not be as easy as 'getting her a statement'. It takes up to 6 months, and is reserved for those children whose needs can't be met using the resources/methods at School Action or School Action Plus. Maybe find out a bit about statutory assessment? (Sorry if you know all this). It's also not true that a statement guarantees a place at any school you wanted. Again, look into this.

I would worry about any pressure there may be on the other child if she feels obliged to be your dd's friend iyswim?

I agree with tiger.

don't base the decision on 5 year old friendships, they can be quite changeable, even if they do go to old school the kids may grow apart.I have been in a similar situation - IME any decent friendship with the girl and mum will withstand being in different schools. It is highly likely to take several months to finalise a statement, so I doubt that saying you are applying for one will make any difference on the school waiting lists.

I really don't think it's a good idea to try to follow your dd's friend around - it's almost a bit stalkerish!! Maybe your dd's friend would like to make a completely fresh start and not feel obliged to look after your dd?

Which of the three schools is closest and most convenient for you? Have you spoken to the head and SENCO? Which was most sympathetic? tiger has a good point - the school your dd's friend goes to may well be just right for her, but not right for your dd

Do any of the three schools have places? If there's a place then your dd will get it as long as there's no-one ahead of her on the waiting list who fulfills more of the admissions criteria. Once she's in the state system, you can get the statementing process under way

I know it's not easy to get a statement, but that's about all I do know about it to be honest. I'll have to look into it.
My daughters friend also found it hard to make friends at first, but she's been best friends with my dd since they were 3. When they see each other they squeel with laughter and give each other a huge cuddle.
My daughters friend said to me recently: "when I see Lucy, my heart is filled with joy, because she is my best friend in the whole world".
They are so sweet together.

go onto SN board for info on statementing, lots of people have been through the procedure, but I haven't, but would have thought you could apply now, on basis you're going to send her to state school in the near future - like people apply for statements in the run up to their kids starting in reception.

I don't think it's stalkerish. Her mum wants them to be together as well. It's not just me. She's taking her daughter out because she can't afford it any more, but she dosn't want the girls to be separated. That's what she's most concerned about.

What will you do in a year or two when the girls fall out?

I think that it kinda weird to base your child's school, on another parent's decision tbh. It also seems really stalkerish to me, and I wouldn't like it if my child were the other little girl. (Regardless of what I would say to her mother).

If you want to move your daughter, your job is to look at a school that meets HER needs, not where her friend goes.

What if they are in different classes. What is the other child makes lots of new friends, and you then feel that your child is being excluded?

Well that could happen if they stayed at the same school anyway.
At least she'd be at a good school and will probubly have made some new friends too.
It's not as if she's changing schools just to be with this little girl, she needs to anyway as the school she's at isn't really suitable for her.
It'll just help her to settle in if she knows someone there.

I think it's a very bad idea tbh. You simply cannot base your childs education, especially if that child has additional needs, on another parents decision. It smacks of weirdness and, dare I say it, laziness. Go out and visit schools that you think will be suitable for your daughter.

If you'd read all the posts, you'd see that we HAVE visited several schools and the 3 we like the best are the 3 the other mum has chosen.

I read the posts. But that's not what this is about. You have stated that you will be waiting to see which school she gets into and then puttign your dd on the waiting list. Do you really think that's in your dd's best interests? What if the other girl makes a new friend before your dd gets in? My dd is 6 and is one of a group of 3 friends at school and it can be awful at times

MLL maybe you have explained this badly? As it seems you are following this other child as your child needs a friend, which doesn't seem a great idea.

Have you considered these schools anyway? have you visited them? would you want your Dd to go there even if her friend wasn't going? Have you discussed this with the other mother?u does she know you want to pt your DD's name done at the same school?

You probably have done all this, but it seems there are more impratnt things to consider here than where her frind is going.

So if you're both looking together then surely you're both putting your girls on the waiting list at the same time so it should all happen at tge same time

unless your friend isn't being honest and has already put her dds name down at a school , in which case she's not as bothered as you are at keeping them together

they might end up in different classes anyway

You definitely need to make any decision based on what a future school will be able to offer Lucy based on her specific needs to will have needed discussions with the SENCO. If that happens to be the same school as her friend well then that's an added bonus.

Also it is really important that you inform yourself now about the whole statementing process and whether she is likely to be able to get one as that's going to need to play a part in your decision.

i think putting her on a waiting list is a really bad idea

the school may be oversubscribed and the other girl may be lucky to get a place there. you could wait indefinitely for a place to come up

I think that given you can't be sure she'll get into a school in those circumstances then it would be best if you just chose the school you thought would suit her best

I do see where you're coming from, but it's going to be better for her to start a school where they can cater for her and she can make new friends rather than staying at the old one in the hope that another school will take her.
her friend may make other friends in the meantime and yours would end up left out...

I think this is as much about smoothing the transition for you as a parent as for your dd, and tbh I don't see anything wrong in that. It is a big dilemma you face as to whether her present school is really the best place for her longer term and such small considerations will make it an easier leap to make all round. Whether they remain best friends long term isn't really the issue but knowing you have a friendly sympathetic face will help confidence all round. If your friend has an older child with similar issues maybe she can give you some pointers as to what to look out for and ask. I do agree you need to revisit the three independently and focus on your dd's needs but if they can go to the same place, it may work well all round. If not then they can surely remain friends out of school ?

When we'd visited all the schools, we decided we were going to put her name down on 3 schools waiting lists. The other 3, we weren't so keen on.
I will keep in contact with her mum anyway and hopefully the girls can still see each other out of school.

I think you're right LIZS (as usual) I think I'm probubly looking for a way of making it an easier decision for me, and having someone there for Lucy and myself would be really helpful.

When ds moved school at 7 (we were abroad and moved back to UK) we already knew one family with a dd in his new school from when they were babies, and as it subsequently turned out he'd been to a nursery school briefly with 2 other boys in his year. The school placed them in the same class initially (not at our request btw) and although they have never been best friends it really did help me having a friend who knew the ropes and of all the girls she is still the friendliest and least judgemental towards ds.

MummylovesLucy,Ive spoken to you before,perhaps you remember me?,if you do then you will understand I intend no malice with my suggestion(cos truly I dont).

I think that if you are taking Lucy out of the private school she currently attends then you need to look into what school is best for her what they can offer her with regards to supporting her condition and needs and how they can help support you in any SEN help she needs.

It isnt fair to have this pressure about maintaining your daughters friendship regardless of what the school can actually offer Lucy,you really need to be looking at it from her physical needs not just her social needs.

It may well be that a 'special' school would benefit Lucy most so even if you did manage to get Lucy and her pal into the same school etc in time it may well come about that Lucy will be 'happier' in a different learning environment.

Its very hard when you have children with a extra'need' to step back and not always do whats the easiest/nicest/'safest' thing.....but you have to do this in this case and step back and assess whats now and how you can move forward.

I know from your other posts Lucy is a delightful little girl and im sure she wont have any difficulties making another friend as good as this little girl.

From a different POV...

My DTDs have had the same "best friend" since they were tiny. When it came to applying for schools, the mum of the friend chose the same as we did. She didn't even bother to go to any open mornings (I know you HAVE looked at the schools, OP, so that's different, but bear with me) Then, not long after school allocation day, the three girls all cut each others' hair at nursery (some of you may remember the thread about it...) and since then, the other mother has refused to speak to me or to allow the girls to play together. Last week was the New Parents' Evening at the school my girls are going to and, of course, not only are my girls in the same school as this other girl, they're in the same class. At the time we applied, we talked about how nice it would be that they would have each other if they all got into the same school. NOw all I can think is how bloody awkward it's going to be, and I really really wish that she'd chosen schools based on what was best for her and her daughter, rather than just following my decision.

I know it's slightly different, but I really think that it should be completely irrelevent whether this other girl will be at your DD's new school, OP - I'm quite sure she'll make lots of new friends.

To give yet another pov if you are both looking at waiting lists, have you considered how the admission will actually work? The waiting list will depend on where in the order of admission criteria each child comes. So unless you are next door neighbours, you could be way apart on the waiting list - even if you apply on the same day. So there is every chance that if you went on the waiting list last, Lucy might get offered a place first, either by virtue of SEN or by just living closer.

Also with your assumption that a statement will give you priority for any school - that isn't the case. It will give you priority to a named school if that school is best able to meet Lucy's needs regardless of where she would otherwise be on the waiting list.

I've no idea of the size of the relevant schools, but obviously it is unlikely that the new school would move children around in order to put Lucy and her friend into a class together. But the huge factor here is that it is so very unlikely that Lucy and her friend could move at the same time - they would be lucky even to move within a term of each other. Your friend may be forced to opt for one of her (and your) less-preferred schools if money is an issue. When she does move it is in her best interest in integrate with the new class as quickly as possible - she can't hold out waiting for Lucy to join her (or vice versa). So even if this is your hope for goodness sake don't mention anything to the girls. If needs be Lucy must say goodbye, because at that they are still adaptable and can make new friends more easily, and you really must not interfere with this too much.