competitive mums

[lovecheese]

Do you have them in your Dcs playground? I bet you do; Child comes out of school and the first thing that mum does is grab the childs book bag to see if "he/she has gone up a level" and then the spelling book to check that the poor child has got 10/10, meanwhile child is waiting for a kiss and a hug and a how has your day been? And this in infants too. I'm not one. Are other schools like this?

oh yes all familiar stuff although noone seems to have mentioned the parents who ruthlessly question there DC'S after every test to find out every other kids score in the class and then go on to determine how their child has done compared to everyone else who they should be in a group with etc One mother will always tell me my DS's score before I even see him to find out form him (younger DC at an after school activity with my youngest) same mother has had complaints from other parents because her DC writes everyones score on a piece of paper to report back to mummy when she gets in unbelievable!!!
then their are the parents who have an inquisition if their DC is not selected for school play school football team netball team to show visitors around school etc etc
I just cannot understand it and wonder whether they had the same type of pressure when they were a child cos its the kids I feel sorry for.

Errr - no. I have never seen anyone examine the contents of their child's book bag the moment they pick them up from school. I guess we have competitive parents but that they are a bit more subtle than this...

They should be ashamed of themselves for revealing how insecure they are about their little darlings... Don't they know how much more superior it is to have to be asked, rather than to tell?

The thing is that you get very little information from school as to how your child is doing. I may ask another parent to compare for my own knowledge....not because I want to know if my child is the best. It wouldn't bother me at all if another parent asked me what book stage my dd was at!

I check ds's book bag to see if there's notes/homework in it. I like to see what he's doing at school aswell.

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBun, you're really not getting into the spirit of competitive parenting, you're meant to check other children's bookbags and probably compile a flow chart so you can track your child against the others

Checking your own child's book bag for newsletters, requests for fancy dress costumes the next day and overlooked party invites is normal, no?

I was asked by uber-competitive mum at parents evening if I'd thought about universities yet for ds- he's 10 .
I said no, but all I went to uni for was loads of sex.
That shut her up and no doubt I am the gossip of the schoolgate.

Oh god, I hate the competitive parents. The ones who complain that the school doesn't give out enough homework, and when your child is struggling, they say smugly "We found it quite easy"

they all deserve to rot in hell

So glad not the only one surrounded by competitive parents! It's not just the mums either - DS selected to play in footie tournament with 'superboy' from school who to be fair is head and shoulders above the rest when it comes to footie skills and a lovely boy. I am not a footie maniac so find it quite funny when they kick the ball the wrong way, but they all try so hard - (and in my book trying your best is as much as you can ask for) lovely. BUT...Dad of superboy (who is a very successful city type) was on the touchline shouting commands and then getting properly cross, and ranting how they weren't being coached properly! They are 5 . You have to laugh when people get like this, it is ridiculous.

Only read the Op because I was worried I would not dare posting if I read all others. I will read them as soon as I post mine though.

If having a look inside your Dcs bag to check that their spellings haven't been a desaster, yes I am a pushy mum as it is the first thing I do after giving them a kiss. I think it is a way of showing them I care for what they do in school and yes , to a point I wish the spellings were always correct and that they did not struggle with anything at all.

Now would I be cross if they made mistakes : no, but I would spend more time going over their home work with them because I am convinced that what is asked from them in school is not too much and if it seems difficult to them (dcs) it is my job to step in and help them through it. I always encourage them to do their best. If their best is 2 spellings out of 10 so be it but I will work with them so maybe they get 3 next time.

I would not ennoyed if someone was proud that their Dcs found the homework mine find hard a walk in the park, good for them and really no point to be jalous. Different children have got different strength and "hating" someone because they are proud their child is a brilliantly academic pupil is counter productive IMHO because in a way I would be telling to my Dcs "they (other people dcs) are doing well, so what?" which would give them (my dcs) reasons to not bother at all.

gorionine - got to laugh at your post about spellings - disaster!!!

Ok, now read it all, and can see some very shocking attitudes but some nice points too.

When I check my DCs spellings/time tables test, I am after "Have they done better than list time?" not have they done better than the rest of the class?"

I would not cross my mind to check other peoples dcs bag to see it they have done better than my dcs.

I think
By daisy243 Sun 14-Mar-10 00:01:50
""The thing is that you get very little information from school as to how your child is doing. I may ask another parent to compare for my own knowledge....not because I want to know if my child is the best. It wouldn't bother me at all if another parent asked me what book stage my dd was at!""

Is quite representative of the way I feel as well.

"gorionine - got to laugh at your post about spellings - disaster!!! grin wink"

you see, if my parents had been more pushy, I would not have to go trough that and would not have to add[{blush] after pretty much every single thing I post.

I'm approaching the end of state primary with one child now...

if you'd asked me 5 years ago, I would have said to always respect the teacher's view. They know best and they will act in your child's best interests so not to worry about all this competitive bollocks.

The position I'm in now is very different to that. I do think some parents have to fight for their children in the state system. Both dh and I work full time and have never been able to do this and dd has suffered because of it. She was dropped sets this year without the school even informing us and they threw a bit of a huff when we insisted on a meeting.

They had no academic reason to drop her, it transpires. But the child they put up in dd's place has an extremely pushy parent. Dd is a summer baby and an easy target as she has 2 parents who are not around to know what is going on all the time.

When I get to the end of state school I suspect I will think that my children 'got by' in state school and I'm proud of them and they did ok and for the most part, they were happy which is v important to me. Could they have done a lot better? Hell yes.

I can see why some parents get like this. It will never be dh nor myself but I can understand why some parents do it.

just read that back and sound a bit bitter lol

I'm not and I do love the dcs school and they have had a wonderful time there and it is a v good school

but I can see why some parents get driven to this - I'm sure some are like this naturally but the school system here, with its deliberate lack of competition (till they are older), does seem to encourage it in some people!

Ugggh my DH knows plenty about the pushy football dads!

I often wonder if some of the kids who hand in perfect homework have had pushy parents breathing down their neck and basically doing it for them!

ah but pushy football dads a funny breed. They are re-living their own football failures through their children and determined to make sure their children succeed more than they did.

I think the FA's respect programme has been quite good for this, certainly at the v junior age.

We have only played one team this year I thought behaved quite disgracefully (their coach deliberately screeching out to his players who were the weak ones to target in our team ). Other than that, most teams and parents/coaches have been very well natured! I'm sure it gets worse as they get older!

fwiw, we found rugby dads even worse!

Our head teacher did write around recently asking all children to prepare a project on a subject of their choice, and she clearly felt the need to underline that it should be 'all the child's own work' .

She probably won't be able to understand dyslexic dd's project then! Her writing is like a foreign language, but I guess I will have to desist any temptation to intervene

I meant 'resist'

Have loved reading this. A previous friend of mine once told me after the parents evening for nursery that the nursery teacher had told her that her dd was better than mine at her letter sounds. I was very dubious about the truth of this seeing as in my 16 years of parent evenings I have never known a teacher to compare my child specifically to another child, and I wouldn't be too impressed if they had, regardless of wether it was a positive or negative comparison. Old friend soon changed the subject when I dropped into the conversation a few minutes later that while we were at parents evening we were told that due to our dd's well established confidence and knowledge with letters they were going to start sending her home with the first stage of reading books. I wasn't going to mention it to anyone, I was brought up to find boasting quite vulgar to be honest, but she was rather annoying. Since found out that she often lies to make herself look better than she is hence the 'ex-friend' label. To me, my child's progress is between me, my child and the school, I'm actually not interested in knowing how anyone else's kids are doing as I kind of think that their parents will be doing what they need to, to help their child as I am with mine. It's just so not a blardy competition.

I don't go rushing to find out the result of the spellings test because my dd doesn't struggle with spellings - she doesn't really need to put much effort in...so the results hold no interest for me. Maths on the other hand is her weaker subject, so I support her at it. I have pleaded with the school to give some homework every week to consolidate the learning from school and to allow me to support her more effectively - but they have refused. If supporting my child not feel crap about a subject, not carrying a hatred and a fear of Maths with them throughout their lives is pushy - then I'll happily put my hand up as a pushy parent.

We don't really get the uber pushy parents on our playground - I do get Mums (friends) asking what reading level my child is on, but it always feels like that are looking for feedback that their child is doing OK because quite often the school won't tell you unless it's parent evening or end of year.

I do know parents on various forums though who are always crowing on about how clever their child is - everytime they respond to a post, regardless of what it is, they manage to slip a remark about their incredibly clever daughter - I mean being proud is good to an extent but surely a small dose of modesty wouldn't go amiss.

I think that is true - sometimes parents are seeking to compare because they suspect their child may be falling behind and might want to make some sort of intervention.

That certainly applied to dd - I would sometimes ask other parents, because I was worried about how she seemed to struggle and I wanted to gauge whether or not I should be concerned. Just as well I did - because ultimately it motivated me to take her to an Ed Pysch who found that she has dyslexia

Well, now I check DS2's bookbag (now Y4) as soon as he comes out to see if he's remembered, depending on the day of the week, the book he's reading, his spelling list, his homework, his clarinet music and any letters home. When DS1 was in Reception I used to check his bag as soon as we were in the car to see if he'd got a new reading book, because I was one of those desperate mothers, but not in public.

I do remember in Reception seeing mothers carrying their child's reading book in their hands through the playground in the morning; those that did it always had a child on a relatively high level.

I agree with Foxinsocks about why some parents do feel the need to put pressure on the school. I never did with DS1 and now with DS2 I've decided to be a lot more vocal; he's a lazy little boy but doing well enough without bothering, so teachers don't need to worry about him.

One year DD had to make a house for a pet. She got a shoe box and spent ages drawing things in it to make it "nice" for a puppy in my pocket. She stood in line next to a child who had a wooden, painted dog kennel, complete with bowl and astroturf . Her mum was loudly telling anyone who'd listen it was all her own work (the note home asked for no parental help!). They were 5 years old.