competitive mums

[lovecheese]

Do you have them in your Dcs playground? I bet you do; Child comes out of school and the first thing that mum does is grab the childs book bag to see if "he/she has gone up a level" and then the spelling book to check that the poor child has got 10/10, meanwhile child is waiting for a kiss and a hug and a how has your day been? And this in infants too. I'm not one. Are other schools like this?

[gorionine]

I have to about music lessons. My dcs have no interest at all in learning an instrument but have no choice as school imposes it on them. No doubt if I insisted for them to learn anything I would be a pushy mum though.

Rabbitstew, your posts are very wise.

Veritythebrave, DS3 is also behind in school, I am trying at the moment to get him competitive with himself, rather than the rest of the class.

[seeker]

I do suspect that most of these behaviours are like ghosts - you never actually see them yourself, but you always have a friend whose fried has seen them!

[Sakura]

rabbitstew, totally agree with your posts.
The phrase "it takes one to know one" is so true. You can only be bothered by other mothers' competitiveness if you are that way inclined yourself. Otherwise you wouldn't notice.
I am not being sanctimonious, I also
notice other mothers and what they do, whether they breastfeed or not, whether their kids do too much or too little (in my little opinion), but I do have the grace to understand that all of this "noticing" is down to MY shortcomings, coz most people are just trying to get on with their life and I DO need more to occupy my brain than that.

I liked the example of the lady who just enjoys giving birthday parties: some mothers are quite creative and see that kind of thing as a creative outlet i.e they do it for the sheer fun of it; but it could be read by others as competitiveness. Same goes for the mother who wrote about pearls being better than plastic beads. How can you read that as being competitive? She's clearly a housewifey type person who enjoys that kind of thing and one day thought "oooh, that'd be pretty..."

So yes, I think it does us good to understand our own insecurities before we judge other peopleS'

[llareggub]

I think you all protest too much.

I haven't met any overtly competitive mothers since the dark days of baby groups but I know plenty of parents who shrug and pretend not to know what their child can do at school. Oh but they do, they all care deeply. But it all has to be done in a nonchalant manner so the outward not-caring attitude is maintained.

[lovecheese]

Sorry, but am I being accused as being as bad as these mothers just because I notice them? Hmm, dont quite see the psycology in that. Come to my childs playground at 3.20 on Friday and see .

[soapboxqueen]

I'm with you lovecheese. It's one thing to read into other people actions and comments and think they are being competitive. It's quite another to rifle through other children's bags or keep tabs on other children's progress.

[taffetacat]

I think it depends what drives you as a person in terms of how your parenting manifests itself to others.

For example, I am interested in how my DS is doing, but would never initiate a discussion with another parent about it and would deflect any questions about progress unless very vague. If your child is doing a fair bit better than other parent's DCs, if you talk about it they just get pissed off and sad. I don't want to make people pissed off and sad, I want to rub along nicely and for it all to be pleasant, for the remaining 5 years I have to see them at least.

But there are other people for whom rubbing along with others isn't especially important, and I guess they may be less guarded in their comments.

[lovecheese]

Ditto taffetacat, I would never initiate a conversation about progress, but I have been asked and try to change the subject, almost.

[hmc]

"I am always puzzled why piano lessons, tennis lessons and swimming are considered pushing one's children".

I think that reaction is from the bone idle parents who can't be bothered to taxi their children to and from after school activities. Frankly I would rather not have to turn out a couple of times during the week and once or twice at the weekend to take my dcs to various things but since they enjoy these activities and can't drive themselves, I tend to oblige...

[cory]

Not having a car or not wanting to drive doesn't make you bone idle. We always made it clear to dcs that their leisure activities would be limited by a)what we could afford b)what was reachable on foot/by public transport. That's how things were when I was a child and I have not grown up a limited and deprived adult.

[hmc]

Cory - I was alluding to those parents who eschew extra curricular activities and who dimissively refer to it as being the domain of 'pushy parents'. Not those families who don't have the resources or wherewithal to to participate.

Why does everybody on mumsnet assume you are talking about them ?!?

[Cortina]

What do people think drives the competitiveness?

Given that 86% of people are insecure (or something like that - from a recent study) isn't it normal behaviour to an extent? Driven by insecurity?

[hmc]

As many as 86%? - that is incredible!

[choosyfloosy]

I am a competitive mum.

I check ds's reading folder every night (usually hoping for any evidence that he has been read with at school - twice this term ) and because we were told that we could change books ourselves but ONLY WITHIN THE BAND MANDATED BY THE TEACHER but she now doesn't know which band ds is on.... but I still vaguely hope at some point I will get some information.

I look at ds's spellings (I hope after I kiss him) but I must say I never thought about working through his mistakes with him! Good thought.

I have been known [confession emoticon] to sneak a look at other children's reading books when they come over. It never occurred to me to invite those I'd like to look at though... don't think I'll do that

And as for looking at someone else's report - she needs a push on morals!

[mrsruffallo]

I think a lot of mums are like this when their children first start school- I know that I probably was when DD1 was in reception. I knew she was bright and wanted to make sure she was being pushed
Then you calm down a bit.
It's not a big deal really is it?
And a certain amount of pushing is a good thing

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

Oh yes, we have them. Not just in the playground either. For one of the parent teacher consultations, the children take you areound their classroom and show you pieces of their work that they are proud of and you then speak to the teacher. These are time controlled and there are four pupils plus parents in any one slot. At our last one, dd had shown me what she'd been up to and I looked as interested as I could. As there were only two of us in the class it became obvious that L's parents were checking other childrens books to see how well L was doing. Ms X saw too and advised them firmly that the other children had a right to privacy. The parents of L were very embarrassed.

[lovecheese]

God, I wouldn't dream of looking in another childs workbook at parents evening, how rude. I find it embarrassing enough to have to walk past the ability groups stuck up on the wall if I ever need to speak to my childrens teacher(s). I kind of dont want to know; I know where mine are and that is all that matters to me.

[choosyfloosy]

Yeah it's very rude I agree, not to mention immoral. I haven't done it for a while and won't again having read this thread....

[Cortina]

I think it's human nature and I'd sneak a peak if I could get away with it, if there's a kids write and tell workbook on the table at an open morning or similar.

[zozzle]

I want to know when these kids who get taken to extra activities after school every night actually get a chance to relax, wind down or have friends round for tea???

Kids need to have the chance to get deathly bored too - that's when their imagination kicks in!! I'm very happy for my kids to get bored regularly!

[ASecretLemonadeDrinker]

Oh I love this! When Harold the bear came home with DS (3) it was great to see what everyone else had done. It got more and more competitive as it went on, with photos, then textured artwork done to perfection by a 3 yr old . Poor ol' Harold got a trip down the recyling centre with us!

[zozzle]

I think its about getting a balance - I was never pushed by my parents - whatever I did was deemed "good enough" - I wish I had been pushed a bit more.

My best friend on the otherhand had to come top of her class in everything otherwise her mother was "very disappointed".

I want my kids to do their best at school, but most importantly I want them to enjoy learning. Competitiveness/pushyness can kill this enjoyment.

I think competitive parents see their kids as an extension of themselves (puke).

[ASecretLemonadeDrinker]

I do think that nearly everyone is like this to an extent though... it can be abit of fine line between trying to give your child the best and becoming pushy and abit OTT. DH lived in a town with 4 (free) grammar schools but went to the local sink and wasn't encouraged at all. He would have been totally capable of achieving more than a few Gs at GCSE. He is now 27 and having to do them at night school which angers me (not at him, but at how this could have been 'allowed' to happen). He has always wanted to join the amry or RAF (hence the GCSEs now) but he said it never ever slightly occured to his parents to sign him up to cadets or anything. When I was younger I did the full works - ballet, flute, violin, clarinet, some other musical class, bit of singing, Horse Rangers (like cadets really but with horses) and I thank my parents so so much for all of that. But, it's a far cry from opening other childrens reports though

[Elibean]

We're obviously a lazy lot. Max the Monkey (aka Harold etc) gets accessorized to death, but does the same routine stuff with everyone

I'm surprised someone was shocked at the high percentage of us who have insecurities...isn't that just part of the human condtion? Whether it comes out as competitiveness or something else is probably down to our personalities and individual histories.

I wouldn't be too quick to judge. People might see a parent admiring a child's workbook, and take it as competitive peeking...have to admit, I love looking at the kids' drawings and writing when I go in to read with dd's class. Not to check how they or dd are doing (the Mums tend to talk out loud about their worries in that department, so no need for peeking, its all upfront) but because its interesting and amazing to see how they've all developed since the start of the year.

I do remember the baby group days with horror, though...anxiety driven or not, I found the constant comparing really hard work

[lovecheese]

Well, Friday again mnetters, looking forward to the fun in a couple of hours when the doors open..