What do you do when your child has no school to go to in September?? I really need some help please.

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It's fluffy bunny.
I have written some threads about ds in the past, he's waiting to be assessed for aspergers and has previously had real problems at the schools he's been at because he comes across as rude, he can't read social situations very well, he panics and is silly. He's moved school's a few times because of this, the relationship between him and the head of one school was so bad (because the head was a fruit cake and ds questioned why he was only teaching them about the catholic church and no others, the head's solution was for me to pack ds off to a "strict, religious boarding school with a firm housemaster" [hmm). The school he attends currently has a variety of children, the staff are nice (apart from the head) but he's being badly bullied. I was resorting to bringing him home at lunch time to keep him safe, I work so can't always do this. Academically he's very bright and was extremely bored. The work he was given was no where near the right level for him.
He sat an entrance exam for a new school, it's private, harder work, aspergers experience etc but we recieved the letter this morning saying he was 'unsuccessful', despite the head telling me that he did really well on the entrance exam, it doesn't say why on the letter, they are aware that ds is being assessed for aspergers and has moved about as he's not had a good time at school.

We are really stuck now and I really don't know what to do. My options are
A) find him another school - difficult as it's the school holidays
B) send him back to his current school where he's being bullied, head teacher thinks he believes everyone is beneith him, work is way too easy, homework hardly ever marked, child being moved into his class in September who has severe behavioural problems
C) return him to his last school which wasn't too bad, I just couldn't pay the fees how they wanted them to be paid, poor manners in the boys though
D) home educate him, meaning I'd have him 24 hours a day, I'm a single mum, I'd have to leave work.

I really need some words of wisdom.

If you are in Nottingham Greenwood is meant to be very good for special needs? Town centre-ish. otherwise St Joseph's on Derby Road. Presume you have looked at Trent College and NHS?

No other advice to offer i'm afraid - i think you're in a tough place right now but agree with others would be better to find the right long-term solution rather than a knee-jerk reaction....I know two children with aspergers and the school system really sucks in relation to their needs - most teachers at our local state secondary really don't understand the condition and just send these children out of lessons instead of addressing their needs. The school gets money to cater for them but no-one checks how they spend it, it just seems to disappear into the pot...one is in danger of being prevented from taking GCSEs and it's a shame as he's so bright. From my limited experience I think you may have more luck in the private sector unless you come under Nottingham City Council who seem a bit more able to cope with aspergers at secondary level?

Yes. That's exactly what she's done. She did say that she has seen far worse then ds and that she thought he only had very mild aspergers. She also said that she'd put measures in place for him to have some support from his teacher at school and she would talk to him, it never happened though.

He's beeing bullied in class as well as in the playground although the majority is at lunch time. I have 'solved this' by bringing him home for lunch, which he loves as he's a real mums boy and home is his favourite place. It doesn't really solve things though, it's avoiding the issue rather then solving it. The school don't seem interested. I have already been to see the head and she blamed ds as all her children came from "good families". She denied some children had tried to pull his underpants down in the class room as ds was too embarassed to tell anyone, she blames ds for answering back to children when they are verbally abusive to him, if he tells a teacher he's shouted at again by the children and snubbed for being a "grass", if he ignores them they just carry on. There is no routine in the school at all lesson wise, his class are scheduled to do PE on Tues and Thurs but this rarely happens, the teacher is inconsistent, he asked if he could bring in some warhammer on the last day of term, she said no so he didn't yet others were allowed to take theirs in and play with them. He asked when he joined the school if he could join the chess club and she never got back to him. To be honest, he has told me that they are being told off for teasing/hurting him but it's a feble "don't do that" and they are not made to appologise. I know it's half a story though but he's normally honest with me.

I have not decided to move him without deep thought, he's not safe where he is, every couple of days he's being hurt or having his shoes pulled off and the insoles thrown over a fence. There's no routine there, he has a few friends but he's a likeable child. The school I was hoping to move him to was a junior school attached to a senior school so he could move up with the friends he'd make. He'd know the school and know the staff so in the long run he'd be better off. He'd have to leave the current school next september anyway as he's now year 6, it would be alot harder for him to get closer to his friends and then have to leave them when they all go. The prospective school have access to educational psychologists and have aspergers experience but I'm not surprised the letter put them off to be honest. I can't just turn around to them and say the senco exagerated though as I will not be believed. It's just crap!

I am across the way in Rams county thirtysomething. It's NHS we applied to. Ds is as far from sporty as you can get to Trent College is out of the question. The aspergers he has must be incredibly mild as it's just the social side he finds tough, he thought that he needed to make as many friends as he could when he first started (I found out later) and was trying every method he could to make friends which only seemed to ailianate(sp?) him from alot of children so he was seen as weird. Weird children are targets, he's really bright aswell so this really didn't go down too well, he had a really bad start. NHS was a long term deal, he would have stayed there. I'm not prepared to move him into yet another school in September for him to leave again next year. It would be too unfair on him but I can't allow him to return to his current school.

Fluffy - firstly so sorry about the MS, which I had seen you allude to before.

I agree with LIZS that the next move need to be the one. If possible. Actually four schools in 6 years is quite a lot of moves (without moving house etc).

The problem is yr DS is the same child wherever. You say he comes across as rude (I am sure he does not mean to be rude) - this will be the case anywhere and children may react in the same way. Yes, a school should deal with it better than it is being dealt with atm.

But how well were issues dealt with at his last school? Or at his first school?

To be practical: I think if you really want to get him into the new private school, you need to get in touch with them somehow. Even if that has to wait until the start of the new term - find out why he was rejected and what they suggest. I don't know much about private schooling so I don't know how common it is for kids to be rejected but it clearly can't be on the grounds of ability.

In the meantime, and I know it may sound mad, I think you need to keep him where he is. Make an apt to see the HT and SENCO right at the start of term, get an IEP for him, agree strategies to deal with the bullying. Pursue the Aspergers assessment and try to expedite it. Might the bullies even have left school and gone to secondary?

These things may well be easier to do within the state system.

Have you put in a complaint, as per their bullying policy? The school is obliged to have one and must have a process for dealing with issues.

I want to make it clear that the things that are happening to yr DS are quite unacceptable. My DS1 has been a victim of low-level bullying over the years at school so I can sympathise. But I also agree with some of mimsmum's take on this (like her, without meaning to be harsh,honest - we know you just want the best for yr DS).

that was the plan clary, NH is a junior and a senior school, if my health went pear shaped they have bursaries. He does come across sometimes as sharp if you see what I mean. It's something I am trying to help him with as he's not always aware of his tone. Some of the teachers have told him off because of this, it's been a constant thing throughout all the school's he's attended. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, I know he does it, it's a frustration thing and happens when he's being rushed or is upset.

I do believe that he was rejected because the school he's at now sent copies of everything, including the letter for the GP which was purposly designed to make him out as having severe aspergers and in dire need of an assessment and support. The rejection letter says that "the fact that he is not ready to join us this year, does not rule out success later on and I hope he will continue to work productively at his present school". It also tells me to contact him if I wish to discuss this further. I don't think it's an ability issue, the interview was just about what ds likes to do in his spare time and what lessons he enjoys.

The bullies are still there, they are in the same year as ds. Things are not easy for him there, he's brought home all of 6 pieces of paper as the work that he has done in nearly two terms, he's bored out of his skull as they are allowing him to finish his work and hand out books. He's consistently getting 100% in maths tests because he works 4-5 years ahead of his age group. I can't honestly send him back, not when the school's like this, there is alot of bullying on top of it all.

Oh babes.

Sorry about the bullies being in his class. I know some of the kids in his class so I hope it's not them (actually I am sure it's not).

If you really can't send him back what can you do? How soon can you get hold of NHS and plead your cause (so to speak)?

Can you just keen him off school for a week at the start of term while you sort this? Or even a few days???

keep him off I mean.

And you won't see me suggesting that very often

I can email them and arrange a meeting but there's no one to look after him when I go. I can email them but I don't know what to say that won't make me sound like one of those mum's who don't accept school's advice and think they have an angel child.
I'm due to see ds's therapist for a report on Monday, we've seen him today and he's more then happy to write ds a reference which is going to be very different to what the school have said about him. I have to be back in Uni on the 14th September so I can keep him at home. He's ended up coming home for lunch as this is the only way he's safe, even then things are happening in class. He's been hurt such alot and the teachers have never said anything to me. The Friday before they broke up I collected him and he had blood on his top after someone threw a ball in his face (twice), he's has his head bashed into a filing cabinet, I just don't feel happy sending him back. He's been really unhappy and has been appologising for everything whilst at home, I ask if he wants a drink, he appologises for taking up my time, I drop something on the floor, he appologises for being messy, he even appologises for asking to go to the toliet. This isn't like him at all.

what does he want to do btw?

Because despite the issues we have had with DS1 wrt school (considerable) he has always wanted to go which has encouraged me.

I ask him, his response is always the same "I don't know". I know that he see's himself as a burdon to me though, no matter how many times I tell him otherwise he wants to cause me the least amount of worry. He'd go back to MP if he thought he was helping me. He has said he likes NH, they have a warhammer club which is a big plus for him, he keeps asking whether the work is harder and cheers when I say yes. He is unhappy at being moved about, as am I. He would have stayed at MP if it had not have been like this. He doesn't always say when he's upset, he just cries alot at little things, he was like this at PW, he'd come home and cry, then he said he wished he was dead and I moved him. He was getting abdominal pain and severe diarrhoea, it went on for months but stopped when I moved him. It's tricky with him as he doesn't say if he's unhappy, it's only reciently he's started saying he's feeling sad (before the school holidays), I'll cuddle him and he'll start to cry but won't say what's making him sad.

There was a kid where you are, DTow? Moved to ds's old school? We know him well, it was him who shut ds's hand in a door.

Fluffy, I can't help thinking that your previous difficulties meeting fees will have paid a bigger part in the refusal than they might tell you. Just because you didn't tell them about the old private schools doesn't mean it hasn't been mentioned somewhere and the schools will contact each other and school will be reluctant to take on a new primary pupil with a history of payment difficulties in the current climate. DD's current school has a section in its t and cs about not taking children whose parents owe money to another school or have been in a dispute about fees. They also have a bit about not "entering into discussions when children are refused a place" so you might not get an awful lot from NHS.

Could you get him into a feeder primary for E or LCS?

The head has said we are welcome to apply again and not to hesitate to contact him if I wish to discuss this further. I do have support from my family and I earn more then enough to cover the fees so I don't think it's this.

Well good luck. Did they say how many spaces they had in the year group? Cynical head can't help wondering if they had a family who wanted more than one space apply at the last minute. If the kids were at the right level they would take them and give you some woolly feedback-having been the person giving the woolly feedback I am always dubious of its value!

Have you had any more thoughts on what you'll do in September?

The assessment was literally right at the end of term and was the last day it could be done so I don't think there would have been time for anyone else to sneek the place IYSWIM. There were 2 other children being tested, a mum and 2 children (one in ds's year, one in year 4) who only wanted the children there for 12 months. I really do think that they have been sent the incredibly over inflated letter that was written for the GP (it states to whom it may concern), it really does portray ds as a severly autistic child who has no social skills at all, no eye contact, no empathy skills at all, unable to communicate well etc. I should have realised that this was what his teacher was going to send, she did say she'd send everything, it was wrong of me to assume she'd know that this was ment for the GP only and not a true reflection of ds.
I'm going to keep him at home until it's sorted out. I can't send him back to school, he's incredibly unhappy because of the bullying and the work. I have an appointment with his therapist on Tuesday, we saw him yesterday and he's willing to write ds an accurate reference, I also have all his school reports that show the information they have been supplied by his school is incredibly misleading. I did laugh when I read "I hope that he will continue to work productively at his present school", he's done very little work, scores 100% in the maths test constantly because it's far to easy. I did tell them that he was working about 4 years ahead of his age group in maths, english and science, they appear to do very little of the other subjects bar maths and english so he really is climbing the walls.

I really would appreciate some advice on where to go from here. They really have been sent very inaccurate information but it's not appropriate for a parent to say this to a prospective school. The best I can do is the letter from ds's therapist and his school reports.

Fluffy, I apologise for repeating what I said before but I don't think that anyone on here can advise you as to the best education for your son without a proper assessment of his needs and your situation. As to advice on what to do in the short term, I would say please don't jump to conclusions about what led to the rejection from this prospective school. You need to discuss the situation with them calmly. I think that you also need to pursue the assessment that has been set in train by the senco at the current school. As to which school he attends in two weeks, then realistically you are not going to persuade the prospective school (whatever their reasons) to take him in that time. You might get him back into the previous private school but is that really a better option than waiting for an assessment? I very much doubt that the prospective school - if that is the best place for him - is going to be impressed by yet another move in the interm. You appear to think that any option is better than keeping him at his current school, and the use of emotive terms such as 'safety' suggests that you will reject any MN advice which involves discussing anti-bullying strategies with them. I can only reiterate therefore that I think that you are better off seeking advice from those with a clearer understanding of you and your son.

Just to add - please don't think that I'm trying to dismiss your needs. I fully appreciate that this isn't one of those ridiculous eg 'which school should I send my genius child to' threads that you see on other fora (ie lets all have an endless discussion about me me me and my brilliant children). Frankly it doesn't matter a jot which school those children go to. They have no particular problems (other than the obvious!). Your son's situation is far more serious than that and that is why I don't think that my 'internet' observations, or those of anyone else, can resolve it.

Thankyou. I have been to the GP and requested a referral, he also see's a therapist once a week. It's not cut and dry, he's only 10 and has had some really bad experiences. Things happened to him whilst he was at nursery and the therapy is to help him with this and to help him with his relationships with other people. The GP has said that it will take a while for the appointment to come through. In the mean time his therapist has done an assessment (not a educational pshychologist one though) and I'm going to see him next week to determine what he thinks.
I do think that any option is better then returning him to his current school. I have approached the head previously about the bullying and she has either refused to admit that it has been going on or has blamed ds for (in short) making the children harm him. I admit that his mouth does get the better of him, he can be just as verbal back which does aggrivate the problem. I am spending alot of time trying to help him with this. He has tried ignoring them, they follow him around and carry on, he's also tried telling the teacher but he's called a "grass" and ignored/hurt. He has on one occasion tried to defend himself by pushing the person away for which he was in trouble for as the teacher didn't believe that he was trying to defend himself. It seems that they don't believe him so it's irrelevant what he does. I am trying to support him but it's frustrating as I am out of ideas as to how to do this. I do discuss problems that he has with him and I try to support him and help him find out where things have gone wrong but it's really tough, he doesn't always remember what's been happening or how a situation has got to a point where someone's bashed his head into a filing cabinet. He is the 'new kid', he's really bright, he's friendly and a bit of a push over. He's small for his age, he doesn't use the same language as other children his age so I can see why things happen. I do encourage him to stay with the children who he knows are his friends but this doesn't always work out. The school work is far to easy and he's already been called a geek/nerd, it's something he can ignore and does as it doesn't hurt him. Bullying policies take time to implement and it can be really hard changing the behaviour of children. I can't honestly send him back whilst they sort this out, it would be unfair on ds. Prior to the summer break he was tearful and would cry at the slightest of things. He appologises for sneezing, for being in the way (even though I've told him repeatidly he's not) etc. It would be unfair to subject him to this.

Sorry Fluffy, yes I have heard of the boy you mention. He doesn't sound so nice tho I have no personal experience.

They have a bag in Bennetts, small enough for a purse and keys, nothing else. It is pink though, alot cheaper then canopy, about £15 I think.

By the way the illness etc at previous schools - that's not right is it. Did you get doc involved? What do you think was the cause?

Ooooh bag in Bennetts, must go and look! Pink is goood

Bless you for thinking about my bag dilemma

He was referred to a paediatrician and sent for a load of tests for malabsorption and CF, they were all negative. Within a week of him leaving PW it all stopped, the paediatrician put it down to anxiety/school and he was discharged. He will be hormonal at the moment as he's 10 so I'm not 100% sure about anxiety. He has not had the abdominal pain and diarrhoea that he had before, he just say's he's sad and he doesn't know why. The appologising was getting a little OTT, he's calmed down now though. I thought of emailing the prospective school, thanking them for considering him and letting me know. I'm going to ask the head to contact me so we can discuss the assessment, ds will not be returning to his school due to the bullying and it would really help if I knew where the problem was so I could look for somewhere that could meet his needs. It's not too OTT is it?

We like Bennetts, we were in there for lunch so we had a nose around for you. It has small pockets and a long strap so you can wear it over your chest IYSWIM.

Hmmm

But you know, anxiety about school shouldn't be causeing diarhoea (sp) etc should it? Not however anxious he was, surely. That doesn't seem right at all does it?

I agree you really need to know where the problem was. If only it were as easy as that makes it sound [sigh]

causing

I can spell, honest.

Well, I can't spell diarhoea but anyway. Will check out bag tomorrow.