DD not invited to party again...

[minko]

DD has just started year 1. In the past year or so there have been 3 or 4 parties now that seemingly everyone is invited to and DD is not. All her closest friends have got invites but DD hasn't. Now I could just be a bit paranoid but I guess at their age the mummies have more say in who gets invited. So my paranoia is that I am not making enough of an effort with the other mummies. To be honest I keep it to cheery hellos, rather than full on chats in the playground, all the cliqueiness wears me out. Must I make more effort or should I just not get bothered about this in the first place!!??

I am another one who thinks really weird the notion of "invite everyone or you are not generous". Is it English? Or do people in other countries do it too? I cannot imagine being upset if DS is not invited to a party (he is 4). Obviously sooner or later he'll get an invitation from a best friend. He doesn't need to go to 20 parties!
I am good friends with a mum of one of DS's classmates. The kids don't play together and their personalities kind of clash. I wouldn't expect her to invite him to the party!

Just throwing in a genuine question,...birthday parties were never on the adgenda in my house as a child as I have a Christmas birthday.

Do any of you feel that pre-school parties are essential? Just wanted to know as there does seem to be a varies protocol about these things.

I think there is some confusion here - my (personal, no issue with other people differing) view is that you either go for a relatively small party and invite less than half the class, or you go the whole hog - what is mean and devisive is to invite all but a few.

LittlePushka - preschool parties strictly optional IMHO, and the same rules don't really apply as there tend to be lots of part-timers so if you invited the whole "class" there would quite likely be some DC your child didn't even know.

LOL at little Stewie handfuls of Victoria Sponge and trying to hold on!

What a minefield! Didn't realise it was all so complicated. DS has just started reception, we really don't know that many people here, and on questioning DS says that he likes everybody in his class! Soooo
it will probably be a class party, in a hall with a valiant attempt not to annoy all the parents with our choice of food for their DC! Hopefully we can party share with another boy who's birthday is close to DS so as not to overload everbody's weekends with parties.(and lower the cost ) As he gets older, the number of attendees will decrease. Have spoken to another mum in the same class who isn't doing the whole class thing,and isn't inviting DS and I completely respect her choice.

I really don't think you need to invite the whole class. I have 3 children and that would make for very expensive parties. I mean if 30 at each thats approx 900 pounds a year on parties and then maybe another 900 in presents back! Thats just crazy and I have better things to spend my money on.

I went to a party recently and there were over 50 children invited and the present 'pile' was just huge. Also madness IME.

Having said that whilst I don't think its all or nothing I do agree its all or small. I would in no way be offended by children having 12 ish friends and not my son but if he was the only one out of the class not invited thats a different matter.

Didn't read all of the thread, but I would like to add my little bit.
In the past we invited all the boys for my ds's party, just because having a b'day at the start of the school year and having swapped school between nursery and reception, it was still unclear who were and who weren't his friends. Y1 was the last all boys party and this year we'll have the 5-6 boys he plays with and that's that. There's no point inviting children that he never mentions or likes. He's never been invited to all birthday parties, but he hasn't felt left out, because he's not bothered about the girls anyway.
When I think of my own b'day parties when I was little, I never invited the whole class, not even in nursery or reception. Even back then I knew perfectly well who my good friends were and who I didn't like. Honestly 3-5 year olds can make that sort of decisions!

My general philosophy is invite all the children in the class of the same gender and some of the other gender - this seems to work really well. My DD1 is really sociable and loves people; so has a really long list of friends from school, church, childminder, other friends, more friends, yet more... the list goes on - so I have to limit it. I find if she invites all the girls in her class and half the boys I can afford to invite a few extra as they don't all turn up anyway! What makes me giggle is when people stay with their child and have brought younger sibling along too! It always helps to have a few spare party bags!

DS was two this year, we invited the people who DS and I meet up with every now and then and did the usual cups of tea. The added extra was singing happy birthday, pass the parcel, jelly and icecream.

I think it was my need to get nostalgic, but we had a fairly chilled afternoon with about seven children playing and mums relaxing and chatting.

There are 39 kids in dd's Reception class, 26 in her morning group, and she has cousins and very close friends from her pre-school. There is no way we can invite everyone...nor does anyone else.

Plus dd would rather have no party than a huge one, she's not a fan of big parties at the best of times.

So we will probably invite half a dozen Reception pals, half a dozen old pals, and cousins. This weekend, dd is going to a school friend's party and there are only 6 from Reception invited - seems the norm here.

That said, as the year goes on and the class 'gels' and get to know each other better, things could change - I'll attempt to stay open-minded

Agree with all or small.

Disagree with 3 yr olds not knowing who they like and don't like - total rubbish IME. They are people, with clear feelings, and as long as they are polite and thoughtful of others I say long live their ability to know their own minds.

39 children in one reception class
Dd1 has 14 children in her class and I will not be inviting all of them. With my boys I have done numbers according to age - ds1 was 10 in May and had a party for 10 friends. I don't want hordes of kids.

There are 5 other girls in dd1's class so that is perfect - i will actually break my rule as she has 2 good friends at another school. I wouldn't be insensitive as to leave 1 or 2 girls out.

My DD is in reception, it's her birthday next week and I've invited the WHOLE class!

I'm not sure of the logic of this, as we are on a tight budget, but it seemed the nicest and fairest thing to do given that her birthday is so early on in the term, she's at school with very few kids she already knew and is still deciding who she likes and doesn't like.

I've asked that no more than £3 is spent on presents too and that craft items are given rather than toys.

I dont think it has ever occurred to me to be upset at one of them not being invited to a party.

For starters, how could anyone possibly know for sure how many other kids from the class had been invited (not accusing anyone of fibbing but how do you know? [puzzled])

When ds had his first proper party at age 6 I wasn't too sure who to invite or how to go about it (first child, first party!). I just tried to remember the names I had heard him mention. I didn't know any of the kids, what they looked like or who their mums were as I was always in a rush to get to work after I dropped him off and the childminder collected him.

I paid £120.00 for his party (which i'd struggle to afford now let alone then) and half of those who had responded didn't bother to turn up. I was not amused as I still had to pay for them. It wasn't a particularly great party anyway. I said never again.

Ds's birthday is in the six week holiday anyway so maybe this makes a difference, but the next year I threw him a surprise party at our neighbour's house (she has a bigger garden than us ) which he really enjoyed. His friends from our street came, as did the kids he met through me growing up with their mums. It was so much nicer tbh. He knew everyone there, liked everyone there and knew all the parents which is great as he is quite nervous.

schilke, I know - but they are split into morning and afternoon groups atm (p/t till after Xmas) and if they're not down to 30 they will employ another teacher and keep a split class for the whole year.

Which means dd should end up in a smaller than average class, which, as several MNers have pointed out, ain't a bad result

Minko, You haven't said whether you've had a party for your DD yet? When and if you do just invite a handful of her best friends and perhaps make a bit of an effort to get to know the mothers of her best friends. Those big parties are all a bit shallow, there is no way one child is friends with all of the children invited. The mothers should be ashamed if they did exclude one or two children, that is not a good example to be setting to your own child. As a further note those mothers that find themselves in a quiche will end up with egg on their face!

When DS1 was in y1 he asked for a 'big' party for his birthday. We agreed and wrote invites to each child in his class plus a few extras. He was adamant that we should not invite one particular child, but we explained how hurt the child would be and invited him anyway. It then turned out that this particular child had been bullying DS1 (AND the school was aware of it) and that was why he hadn't wanted us to invite him! Sad to say, the gesture did not have a positive effect on their relationship and a few years later the bullying became so bad that we ended up reporting it to the police (after advice from Kidscape)! To this day, he has never wanted to have another party! He is now 20!
My views on whether you should invite the whole class are therefore somewhat tainted, but I would certainly never again insist on inviting everyone in the class just because some of them or their mums might get upset. If a child says they do not want to include someone, my experience is that they probably have good reason!

This has just happened to DD2. She only knew 2 girls in her class when she started school and I introduced their mums a few months ago at DD2's own birthday party. It seems like all the other girls in the class have been invited and her elder brother is already coming to DD1's party the next day. We have had play dates before and there had even been some discussion between us about the potential clash of the two parties!!! I suspect the mother has been avoiding me since. I feel my daughter is being cruelly excluded due to her, very minor, developmental delays that only affect her speech and balance. She is happy and popular in school, so I don't understand the reasoning. This sort of thing never happened to DD1 and I don't know haw to deal with it. Have spent whole morning in tears!!!!

Some advice would be most welcome as it feels like parental bullying.