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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

DD not invited to party again...

119 replies

minko · 02/10/2008 21:58

DD has just started year 1. In the past year or so there have been 3 or 4 parties now that seemingly everyone is invited to and DD is not. All her closest friends have got invites but DD hasn't. Now I could just be a bit paranoid but I guess at their age the mummies have more say in who gets invited. So my paranoia is that I am not making enough of an effort with the other mummies. To be honest I keep it to cheery hellos, rather than full on chats in the playground, all the cliqueiness wears me out. Must I make more effort or should I just not get bothered about this in the first place!!??

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

bobbysmum07 · 02/10/2008 23:51

Well, MollieO, your "independent-minded" 4 year old sounds just as charming as you.

You can pat yourself on the back for the job you have done in creating such a wonderful human being who has clearly inherited your generosity of spirit.

dinny · 02/10/2008 23:52

I know it's upsetting when children are left out, and I don't think it's fair to invite the majority, but equally, you can't make your children so sensitive that they'll be wounded by not being invited

it's part of life - people form friendships

stealthsquiggle · 02/10/2008 23:55

not sure I would put it as strongly as bobbysmum, but DS has people in the class that he doesn't like, doesn't play with and wouldn't in a million years invite round to play.

However, when it comes to parties, he knows and understands that it is all or nothing - if he wants a 'big' party, then the whole class gets invited.

There are a few (largely the same ones) whose parents I actively dislike and I would be really pleased if they turned down the invitation, but there is no way I would not invite them - it's not fair on the children.

MollieO · 03/10/2008 00:03

Thank you, yes I think I am doing a good job where my ds is concerned. His old nursery teacher misses him so much she came round to see him the other day and others at his nursery have been emailing to find out how he is getting on at 'big school'.

He had an incredibly rocky start in life and I was nearly died when he was just one so I am always grateful that we get to celebrate his birthdays together and at all.

Lots of good comments here. As I said in my original post, if it upsets your daughter then do something about it. I assume it must or else you wouldn't have asked the question in the first place.

cthea · 03/10/2008 00:04

I agree. When they're v young it's been big parties with all invited, not just best friends or children who come to tea. I wonder if this credit crunch will change matters and even the v little ones will start having smaller parties?

handlemecarefully · 03/10/2008 00:42

Ummmmm - minko, how many girls in Year 1, and are you sure it is just your daughter who is being excluded (is she the only one)?

I don't know how other mother's minds work since I am pretty inclusive about dd's parties (everyone gets invited - but then I am fortunate enough that this is not an issue)....however I think there may be something in it that your dd could get more invitations if you are more outgoing. Perhaps others misinterpret your understandable reserve as stand offishness? Don't know really. It shouldn't follow that your dd is disadvantaged because you are not full on in the in crowd, but I guess it could be a factor (nowt so queer as folk and all that)

handlemecarefully · 03/10/2008 00:42

mothers' (I need to brush up on my apostrophes)

LadyPenelope · 03/10/2008 04:30

If it matters to you, and you want to increase the number of invites, then it might help to be on closer terms with other mums in the playground and work on some out of school playdates.
Then again it might not ... it's not possible to get invited to every party.

Most people do not operate by the everyone or no party mantra. Although IME, in reception and Y1 there were quite a few full class parties. There were also a few smaller gatherings too.

My DD is now 7 and we didn't invite whole class or even all the girls in her class - she invited 13 friends in total - 8 from school and 5 others. That means there were 6 or 7 girls at school who did not get invited, including some who'd had her at their parties. And there were a couple of girls from her dance class she'd quite like to have come but we decided we didn't have space. It's just the way it is - she's still friends with them, plays with them in playground etc. We didn't set out to exclude, but we did have a fixed number we could cope with and she drew up her list on that basis.

That's life. Best to help your kids understand that because it happens all through life.

twentypence · 03/10/2008 05:08

Ds (also in year 1) got invited to a lot of parties this year. But only around 2 of them were actual close friends. The others were people whose children I either teach, or those who would like me to teach their children (when they are older or I clear my waiting list). Ds went to the parties and had a great time and we bought all the children a nice present.

He's changing schools soon and so I predict that fate will swing around and he won't be on anyone's list for a bit.

That's life.

gladbag · 03/10/2008 09:29

Minko - I think LadyPenelope's advice is spot on.

MollieO - I completely agree with your sentiments, and have to say that I think you've stayed very calm in the face of some rather nasty posts.

tortoiseshell · 03/10/2008 09:37

Am completely by the 'invite everyone or no-one' take on this. No way could we have invited everyone - in reception both ds1 and dd had parties at home - we do not have an enormous house, and as dd's was in August this year, we were really hit by the wet weather. Dd had about 10 children altogether, but that was 8 or so from her class, and a couple of siblings who she is also friends with. We physically could not have fitted another child in our living room. And I couldn't have paid loads of money for an expensive soft play type party (just can't afford it).

I do think it's an important life lesson that you're not going to be invited to everything. You have to learn it at some point. And actually I think it's the parents who mind more than the children tbh.

Lastly, do make sure the invitations haven't gone astray - there have been a couple of parties where ds1 didn't have an invitation, and fortunately the parents checked up when we hadn't replied, so he didn't miss out.

kids HAVE to be able to choose their own group of friends. Another important life skill. And children also have to be able to have small parties, because if they weren't, many children wouldn't be able to have ANY party because they would be way too expensive.

critterjitter · 03/10/2008 09:45

You could always buy a present and card for the child and then give it to the parent/s a few days before the party. Perhaps this might embarrass them a little if they are being very cliquey about things???

Have to say that I am a firm believer in all or none (even if its a case of all girls or all boys). But thats because I've had so many tears from DD about this and felt so annoyed at some of these mothers (who often don't realise how friendly their kids are with which children at school).

frankbestfriend · 03/10/2008 09:46

It is ludicrous to suggest that you have to invite the whole class or no one.

Not fair to leave out one or two, but children should be allowed to choose who they want at their own party. I am not offended when dd doesn't receive an invitation for a class party, unless she was the only one not invited, of course.

If you think your lack of rapport with the other parents is a factor, and it is bothering your dc, try and make more of an effort with them, even if it's just for your daughters sake.

expatinscotland · 03/10/2008 09:50

I read threads like this and always think, 'They're a strange breed, the English.'

MollieO · 03/10/2008 09:55

I've always gone through the nursery list with my ds to check who he wants to invite. This year he wanted to invite someone from nursery that wasn't on the list. I posted all the invites to those on the list and had to send the other one into nursery not really knowing if this child actually existed or was a figment of my ds's over active imagination! I'm always very aware that people have different financial circumstances and what is right for me to do may not be appropriate or affordable for others.

Thanks gladbag! I think the excellent thing about this forum is the fact that people can have a healthy debate on various topics without usually resorting to personal insults!

Original poster

minko · 03/10/2008 10:12

Wow - what a response!

I understand that sometimes you are only going to invite some of the children on the basis of restricted numbers. But I wonder why they always seem to invite others from DD's little posse and not her. And that's why I wonder if it's the mummy-factor.

DD isn't bothered as she's not aware of it and she has a good group of friends who we invite over now and again.

Personally I reckon it should be all or nothing. As a compromise we invited all the girls in DDs class to her birthday party as we couldn't have fitted all the boys as well into the garden.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 03/10/2008 10:13

"Personally I reckon it should be all or nothing" Unfortunately that isn't always an option.

DocBunches · 03/10/2008 10:15

I've already admitted over on AIBU in a similar thread that I was very much 'all or nothing' on parties (or at least all boys/all girls). I simply did this to ensure that no-one felt left out and I would always try to choose a venue where the number of children did not make much difference to the total cost, eg, village hall with disco and home-made party food.

Imo, it's really unkind to just leave out one or two children who happen to be the class loner/naughty kid/unpopular for whatever reason. I used to see this happen quite a lot and it made me really .

I realise I'm in a minority here but for me the issue was more about exclusion than party etiquette. I also realise that not everyone is in a position to do likewise.

hippipotami · 03/10/2008 10:26

Am a bit at the 'invite all or no - one' suggestion, and the comment that 'reception children do not know who they like / dislike'. What an odd thing to say.
Both my dc had clear friends and clear children who, when they passed eachother in teh playground before adn after school, would not even exchange eye contact with. Likewise they come home with tales of x hit me and y would not sit next to me again.
It is very clear at this age which children a child considers a friend.
Hence my dc have always invited only their friends.
Likewise, I do not expect my dc to be invited to every party, only to those hosted by their friends.
OP - don't get het up about this. When ds was in reception (now in Y5) I was one of those annoying mothers who was in every quiche, helped at school, on the PTA you name it. I did this because I believed it would help ds make friends.
With dd (now in Y1) I stayed well out of anything remotely quiche related and held right back.
Guess what, both my dc have made nice friends, both are happy. Neither are the most popular child in their class, but I don't want them to be. It does not make the blindest bit of difference. Because the quichy mums can only get away with inviting fellow quich-member's children whilst the children are young. And from Y1 onwards children will naturally gravitate towards children they like, regardless of who their mother chats to in teh playground

hippipotami · 03/10/2008 10:28

I agree with docBunches (cool name) that it is not fair to leave out 1 or 2 children. But for instance for dd's party finances dictate we invite only 7 friends. Out of a class of 30. I don't see that as a problem.

SpongebobComfypants · 03/10/2008 10:40

Quiche?!

Ripeberry · 03/10/2008 10:46

Parties should be banned! . I can't stand parties, brings me out in a cold sweat.

LadyPenelope · 03/10/2008 10:47

rofl about the quiches at school and the quichy mums ...

Ripeberry · 03/10/2008 10:48

Quiches should be banned as well, lol!

LadyPenelope · 03/10/2008 10:51

quichy parties are the absolute worst

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