DD not invited to party again...

[minko]

DD has just started year 1. In the past year or so there have been 3 or 4 parties now that seemingly everyone is invited to and DD is not. All her closest friends have got invites but DD hasn't. Now I could just be a bit paranoid but I guess at their age the mummies have more say in who gets invited. So my paranoia is that I am not making enough of an effort with the other mummies. To be honest I keep it to cheery hellos, rather than full on chats in the playground, all the cliqueiness wears me out. Must I make more effort or should I just not get bothered about this in the first place!!??

The birthday child invites who they would like to make their day special.
The birthday child should not have their big day ruined by having to invite children who dislike them. How bizarre.

(This is not aimed at you OP. In reception dd3 only went to 2 parties out of 20. I was mortified.)

I can't see why you would be mortified at only 2 parties out of 20, perhaps your DD only had 2 children that she was really friendly with, some DCs only like a few friends at that age.
Inviting the whole class seems to be one of those things that have crept in, no one ever used to do it. I think it is mad! I had small parties, never more than a dozen DCs. Everything seems to be a competition these days-who has the most original party, most expensive party, who gets the most party invites etc. When I was infant school age I hated parties anyway so would have been quite happy not to be invited!

DS got invited to loads of parties through nursery and DD hasn't been to one. I think that's because with ds' group there were a lot of pfbs, us included, who made an effort. With subsequent children we're not as bothered more chilled about these things & dd had a family party instead which was lovely.

DS' turn next year and we'll do the blanket approach and invite everyone (adjusting venue according to finances) because he's started a new school and he thinks everyone is a friend, and then as dcs get older & friendships firm up they can invite who they want.

My son is rather shy. He gets invited to loads of parties but he generally looks really overwhelmed at them.

I'd like him to have only about 10 people he picks, because I figure he will feel less overcome by it all. He is very quiet boy.

Where I live eveyone goes totally overboard with entertainers etc and really expensive party bags. Most of the kids dont have any manners, no pls or thankyous are heard. Makes me cross. Anyway I would like to hire a place and do traditional games, pass parcel, statues etc, but It is hard work trying to keep these over privilidged brats happy !- why cant we go back to simple days when they were happy to get a pressie and a cake!

I wonder if I should just to him a tea for family at home. He cannot choose just one person he'd like to invite, and house is too small for more ???

ideas

Why not only have a friend around for tea, bandie? If it suits you. Wish DC would be happy with that.

Indulge my paranoia here, but for DD's recent party we gave out 13 invites and got... only 7 yeses. Is that about right, only half can be expected to come?

The "That's life" argument isn't any comfort when it seems like your own child is the one missing out. 45-55 children in DC year groups, and DC only get invited to 3-4 parties/year, which I think is on the low side compared to how many parties seem to go on.

I would go for home and a friend,bandie, he will probably really enjoy it. I can remember hating parties until I was about 7 or 8. It is, after all, about the happiness of the birthday DC, not whether the mother wants her DC to be a social success! Going to 2 parties of DCs who really like you is much preferable to going to 20 because they feel they have to ask you.

Right, so if everyone has a whole class party, you get to go to 30 parties a year? Plus maybe 5 parties for cousins/ children of friends/ activity friends? Then that again for any further DCs? Presents and cards for each? Party dress and ribbons most weekends, even twice?

FWIW, DD1 (just 3) asked for 5/6 children and 'a picnic, with cake with candles, chips, hummus and beans and presents' for her birthday. I couldn't bear not to invite everyone so ended up with 23 children at an impersonal soft play area that she goes to occassionally anyway and was so mortified by the extravagence (that I couldn't afford at all) that I had a no present policy. Basically the opposite of what DD1 would have liked

Maybe if you live in the sort of community where people tend to do whole-class parties, then you can afford to send your child to all of them, anyway?

DC don't have first cousins or do activities, so no worries there about excess party invites .

There's only one mum locally who seems to do all-class parties,she's had 60+ at her DC parties, many people think she's ridiculously extravagant.

I would go with what the birthday child wants. I can't think why any DC would want to go to 30 parties! No wonder they take it for granted and are quite rude-it becomes like any other activity and not special at all.

yes, we have been to about 4 in the last 6 weeks!!! - he is so quiet and gets ignored at the parties anyway, it is probably a "just invite everyone thing..."

really nice places, farm, pond dipping, soft play. It is horrible to see the children just taking it all for granted and asking "when do we get the party bag"

my boy has quite delayed speech, so it is very hard to get an idea of what he wants, he is 6 this year.

It is hard for me to find out who he likes best, I have asked teachers and he tends to like the quiet boys (no surprise there!)

problem is that it is fairly clique at our school. I am quite laid back (help that I work part time and dad takes him to school sometimes too), but as soon as my son was "adopted" by a boy at school his mum was all over me like a rash!!!

her son is fine, but totally swamps him physically and he lacks the communication skills or assertiveness to deal with it, it is hampering his opportunity to mix with others (he literally hangs onto his neck!)

I probably will go with maybe 2 children at home. Hed love it I think. But really awkaward as the mums will expect me to do something for thier little darllings (he went to their parties)

Be thankful if you only go to one or two. they remain special and at £10 a pop it adds up if you go to more. Ive had kids basically infer that their pressies where shit because I only spend a tenner. Most parents really splash out but it is obscene that they have sooo many pressies.

I have tended to accept all parties as I dont want son to miss out and be the odd one out (sad i know).

I think from now on, I will be selective and say yes to those which he really wants to go to. I think he has been dragged to a few parties because often he comes home rather pale and shocked looking !!!

Most people tend only to say no to parties if they cannot make it due to other things booked on same day. I think I will be more selective now, for son's sake and my purse.

If I have a few kids round, i would prefer their parents left, due to lack of space. However, i worry about not being able to manage them as I also have baby too.

I never had a party until I was 19 my mum could not hack the stress !!!!!!!

I invite the whole lot.

At the last party, I sent out 25 invites, of which I received 13 responses but at the party itself, 21 plus a few siblings turned up!

Still, it was happiness all round so it was worth it.

I should be more selective bandie. It is best not to get involved in playground politics. I told my DSs how many they could have, no more than 10, and let them sort it. I didn't get into having to have a DC because they were invited to their party. Even if you only spend £5 a present that is a lot of money if they go to 30 parties, especially if it goes straight to the charity shop (mentioned quite a lot on mumsnet)!

Invite the whole class? No way. DC's birthdays are in winter, our house is small, our budget is limited. I am a teacher, and I really don't want to manage 30 children in my home, or anywhere other than when I am 'on duty'.

Tinkerbel, on the subject of cliques, you read my post wrong I think, about the women who are standing on their own. I am talking about situations where I am standing next to someone who is on her own, and I face her, smile and make a comment about something to start off a conversation and all I get back is a "Yes", no semblance of a smile, her body language says "I'm not interested in talking to you, please shut up", and there is just an awkward silence. I am NOT talking about shy mums whose faces light up when someone talks to them as they haven't had to initiate the conversation themselves (some of my new mum friends were EXACTLY that shy type when I first met them, and certainly didn't scowl at me and make me feel as I shoudln't have bothered them.)

Maybe the scowling mums are the ones who ARE in the type of clique you are talking about and whose fellow clique members haven't turned up yet and who don't want to talk to a lowly, friendly non-clique member like me?!

I hate it when someone gets me totally wrong. There is no-one less like a cliquey type of mum than me.....I am just a mum who happens to know a lot of people in the playground already through circumstance.

Well, I've just entered into the whole class party affair. We've relocated and DS knew no-one when he started reception a few weeks ago and it's still way too early for him to single out 8 - 10 little friends. I've hired the local community hall so no need to stress on exact numbers. Fortunately, his birthday also falls in half term so I don't expect the entire class to turn up (secretly hoping for half the number since I want a little order to the inevitable mayhem). Only planning a whole class thing this year for the above reason - next time round, he should have established who his friends are by then so it'll be a smaller party.

DD2 will be having her first 'big' birthday party in December. She will be 5 and there are 30 children in her Reception class.

It appears at school that the accepted practice is to invite everyone in the class. Certainly I wouldn't dream of leaving out a random few.

So I have already given into the idea that I shall have to invite the whole class. To be honest, it's not the large number of kids at the party that worries me (it's going to cost a lot however I do it) but I hate all the presents. After gifts from family and close friends DD2 will also get another 30 at the party! I seem to be the only one who dislikes this aspect but a) it's another load of stuff to find a space for and b) that amount of presents isn't appreciated and is taken for granted by children who already have far too much.

(I know - I sound like a miserable old git).

Sorry Minko - having read your OP again I realise that I completely bypassed your problem and rattled on about my own!

Last year when DD2 was in Nursery she only went to a couple of parties. I remember one day she came out of Nursery and said excitedly "Quick Mom we've got to get home to get ready for XXX's party". I knew nothing about said party, and TBH, was surprised DD2 hadn't received an invite because the girl in question played with DD a lot.

To cover up I said to DD "Oh, I know about XXX's party - it's just for her family and 1 or 2 friends - she's not having a proper party etc etc". DD2 seemed ok about this.

However, I do remember coming into Nursery the next day and it seemed that ALL the moms were talking about the party and I thought "OMG DD was the only one not invited" - not sure that was true but I felt really bad for DD at the time.

I don't think it's anything to take personally - I'm a very friendly, chatty person who speaks to everyone and anyone, so I don't think your approach in the playground makes any difference to whether your kids are invited to parties or not. I still occassionally see the mother of this girl who had the party and she's still very friendly towards me and DD. I've never mentioned it to her, but you do have my sympathy - it's easy to get a little paranoid.

I have to admit to double standards. I would of course be sad for my ddsn ifthey were not invited to a birthday party at school. But I would never have one of those big village hall parties where all the kids go crazy.

I always max it at 10 including birthday girl and sister and a mate for sister. So they can invite 7 people of their choice. It really focusses the mind.

Regarding play dates. I invite the kids with the parents I get on with to Friday night tea and movie social thing, but if I don't get on so well with the parents I just invite the kid on say a Tuesday or something.

Caro....just say no gifts! That's what I did and people either brought nothing as asked or found very little things that fitted into the card. Some ignored me though! 30 gifts would have been obscene. At other all class parties (often joint ones) there has been a donation box or 'justgiving' site for the NSPCC or similar.

Just invite the children your child wants to invite, can remember and then a couple of your friends with children whom your child hasn;t immediately named. That is what i would do!

I think like so many things childrens parties have become so much worry in terms of doing the'right' thing and trying to keep everyone happy. I am doing (his choice}a family tea for my ds and a trip to a museum, possibly with his friend from outside school. I can't face the stress or expense of a party this year. DP about to change job and poss a house move next year. Stressful time. He is happy with this. Who says we HAVE to do a party EVERY year anyhow?