DD not invited to party again...

[minko]

DD has just started year 1. In the past year or so there have been 3 or 4 parties now that seemingly everyone is invited to and DD is not. All her closest friends have got invites but DD hasn't. Now I could just be a bit paranoid but I guess at their age the mummies have more say in who gets invited. So my paranoia is that I am not making enough of an effort with the other mummies. To be honest I keep it to cheery hellos, rather than full on chats in the playground, all the cliqueiness wears me out. Must I make more effort or should I just not get bothered about this in the first place!!??

Oh lawks, whatever happened to the rule about the same number of children as years? DD wont get to invite 30 friends until she's 30.

I've had this issue with ds2 - he was one of only 10 reception children that went into a yr 1 mixed class when he started school so the 10 are quite a close group. There have been probably 2 of those children who have had parties, this year and last year, that have excluded him but invited the others in that group.

I don't know why - he's a well-behaved, nice boy so I can't see any particular reason he'd be left out (they are both girls but they do invite the other boys and the girls have been to ds2's parties).

When I heard the others were going to one last week and he wasn't I did feel really sad but I know rationally that you can't invite everyone and it's not really my business to think anything about it.

Ds2 didn't say anything to me about it but he's quite quiet so I wonder if it does bother him and he doesn't say anything and that makes me feel even worse.

Personally I could not invite a very obvious group and exclude just one or two. These children are 5-6 yrs old FGS.

I agree with others re numbers. Obviously you don't have to invite the whole class but to leave out one or two from a big group is very obvious and very mean.

We, by no means, invite the whole class so there are plenty of children who don't get invited so they don't feel 'isolated' iyswim.

Ds3 just had his reception party and we had the whole class because it's the start of term and who knows who will end up being friends with who (we got round cost by having it jointly with 2 other boys in teh class - but that was a whole other thread!!).

Next year it will be specific friends but I wouldn't leave out one child.

Ethel Skinner has joined the thread - cool!

I think the suggestion that it's mean or selfish or hurtful not to invite every child in the class is bizarre. At what age do you stop that - or as adults should we all be upset or hurt because people who we don't particularly know or get on with don't invite us to their parties?

Personally I hate all-class parties. They are usually fairly meaningless, the birthday child doesn't really know or perhaps even like many of the children, they perhaps don't even acknowledge many of the other children at the party beyond taking the present off them. I have seen this so often at parties. And they are usually held in soul-less places with awful food!

By contrast, parties where there are only say 5-12 children are so different, in my experience. The children have asked those they really know and like. They are friends, not just someone on a class list or someone your mother has insisted on inviting because you went to their party and so 'owe' them an invite. My own children have always preferred this smaller sort of party to one where they are one of 30 or whatever. In fact, as they got a little older, they would sometimes decline an invitation because they know they aren't really friends with that child, or the child isn't particularly pleasant to them.

We only ever invited 'proper' friends, as chosen by my children. Children they really wanted there. Funnily enough, we had many a parent over the years say how their children talked about our parties, although we did nothing really spectacular. I think it was just that they were that bit smaller and cosier. Obviously, because we were inviting very small groups, this meant children were 'left out' or not invited to ours despite them inviting our children, but I don't actually think it's a huge issue.

As long as a child seems to have some friends and is generally happy with their friendship group, I wouldn't stress over parties at all. It's just not worth it.

I also find it bizarre and worrying that a nursery-owner says that 3-year-olds and even children in reception don't know who they like and dislike. Of course they do. I work in a playgroup and see very definite preferences. Of course, at a certain age or stage, children will play alongside one another and may not have particular friendships. But many children can and do have very strong feelings about who they like or who they don't feel comfortable with, and I don't see why a parent should ignore that. Why on earth would you invite a child your child has said they don't like or who isn't nice to them?

As long as you are sensitive about where and when you give out the invitations, I don't see the problem. And parents shouldn't make a big deal out of it if their child isn't invited sometimes - a brisk but cheerful comment about perhaps X's mum and dad could only invite so many children is usually enough. That's life and I don't think it's an unduly harsh lesson to learn.

I think that only inviting a select group might make sense to some parents for their own reasons. However, IME, this starts off the inevitable: "You're not invited to MY party" comments in the playground from children to bewildered other children. And parents do need to spare a thought as to how upsetting this can be. I've had to deal with a sobbing DD on a number of occasions over this.

And sadly, IME, in most of the cases, I felt that the comments reflected more on the parents own prejudices being communicated to their children; as well as a need to be seen by other parents in their clique to be 'selecting' the most popular children in the class for invites.

I can remember having whole class parties up until the age of about 9/10 in our back garden. The main issue being that my mum understood that the whole class wouldn't turn up anyway (some would be away/ wouldn't come etc), so it wasn't going to turn into some free for all. It was simply about celebrating a birthday, with some crisps, sandwiches and lemonade, and a cake. Quite simple really.

I also have a friend on benefits who regularly invites all her daughter's class to her party. Again, she's well aware that not all 30 will turn up, and she gives everyone 'value' party food from Asda, and they dance around to a bit of music and do pass the parcel.

I don't really understand why kids parties have been turned into a major issue really.

Whilst I disagree with leaving a few friends out, I think the all or nothing rule can be totally impractical. My daughter is in reception at a three form entry school. Quite a few of her friends are in the other two classes, so what should I do... invite the whole of her class, but leave out some of her closest friends (that she has known and played with since she was 2/3)? Invite her class, and her friends from the other two classes? But then this means that some children in the other classes will see their classmates getting invites, and they will be left out and hurt and upset too (So then we're back to the initial problem). So should I invite all 90 children then? Can't afford to do that, so should I just stop my daughter having a party at all incase some other child is offended / upset?

Whilst it may be nice to be able to afford a party where you invite the whole class, in many situations that is just not practical. This week, four girls have been handing out invites in the playground. One was my daughter. She was invited to another girl's party and not invited to the other two. She is not bothered by it in the slightest. In the past, when she has asked why she didn't get an invite, then I have just said that when she has parties, we can't afford to invite all of her "friends", we have to choose her most special friends to invite, and X would have to do the same. It doesn't mean that X doesn't like her, it just means that her mummy can't afford to invite everyone. My DD never takes that as a snub, and has always accepted that invite (that said, her 'close friends' have always invited her to their parties - she tends not to be invited to parties by people she's not particularly bothered with iyswim!)

In our situation... we invited 8 friends from her class, and another 6 friends from the other two classes. So most children from her class did not get an invite. That said, I did make a point of inviting a couple of girls who I know is finding settling at school difficult, and finding it difficult to make friends. But there is no way my DD would invite some people - particularly those children who have hit her in the past, or have been horrible - she has a very long memory and definitely knows who she does and does not like (usually those children who hit her!)

If it is the case that the whole class is being invited except for your child then I would assume it is likely to be about the behaviour of your dd at parties rather than how popular you are as a mum with the other mummies.

Is it definitely whole class parties that your dd is excluded from?

If not then I wouldn't be too worried.

My daughter hates big parties. They make her very stressed.

So should I have invited the whole class to her party, and make her miserable, rather than upset someone that she doesn't actually play with at school?

Just curious

For the record, I agree that having a small (under 12) party, with genuine friends, is fine. And the kids have to get used to the fact they won't get invited to all those. Having the whole class is also fine. Missing out just two or three is not so good, but they do get over it. As long as they are not the "one" that always gets left out. That's sad.

Minko - my thoughts are not to worry about it or to think you need to make an effort.

I am a little bit surprised by some comments of the all or nothing view. Last year as it was dcs early years at school I went with guidance from how many invites he got by the time he had his birthday, which meant in the end he invited those who had invited him to a party and a couple of friends outside school and his best mate in class. Fortunately for me that didn't take us over the limit of 15 children which was allowed at the venue we held it at. He definitely knew who he liked or disliked, even at 3 and could vocalise why, and I know there is one little lad who only got one invite last year (which he couldn't make due to a tennis class) and the reason for this was simply the rest of his class do not like him for his behaviour.

Now ds is in yr 1, and this year I will be guided more by I know who his good friends are and this year money is more on my mind so I expect he will invite close friends, which stands at 4 kids but I am open to compromise if the time comes and his circle of friends dramatically changes. My ds accepts that sometimes you get invited sometimes you don't and it's not a big deal, especially as sometimes you get invited but still can't go due to prior arrangements like a relatives b'day for example!

Gosh - I have come to this quite late, but am really surprised about some of the comments. Up until this year, I have neither had the inclination nor the finances to invite dc's full class (dd6, ds12). Since throwing parties for them (from school age up) my dc's have picked a handful of friends (yes they have been able to distinguish who their friends are - quite strange that some people think this is not possible) and we have gone to a soft play area/bowling etc. This year was different as we knew we were moving away, so I hired out a cheap hall and dd invited 40 children - all kids in her class and some others. I made sure, though, that all kids in class were invited, even those two or three that dd is not keen on, because it would be cruel to leave them out (they didn't turn up). It was a great party, but I had to do a lot of organising and planning to make sure it went smoothly and, with the food, party game prizes and party bags, it became quite expensive, and I will not be doing it again!! It is perfectly acceptable to just invite a few chosen friends. Of course dd has not been invited to every party, but we have talked about it and she has understood why. It's only an issue if the parents get their knickers in a twist over it and fail to see how hard and expensive it to throw such huge parties. Obv, OP, if you dc is not invited when all the other children in the class are, then that is insensitive, but otherwise, there has to be a limit for most parents.

Poor minko and your dd. You say this excluding dd from parties has happened 3 or 4 times, while all her group of friends get invites. As you have only been at the school a few terms (I assume) that's quite a lot of times your dd has been left out while all her close friends have been invited.

I think you're right to feel playground cliqueness is behind it to some extent. Just out of curiosity, do the cliquey group have time during the day to meet up? I am wondering if these are SAHM parents are deliberately seeking out other SAHM parents and issueing party invites accordintly? Do you go out to work during the day?

My ds2, though older than yours, just starting year 5, has had no party invites for around 18 months, yet whenever I see him at school, he seems to mix well with the children in his class. Luckily ds2 has friends out of school, and seems to accept that he is not on anyone's party list at school.

Like you, I did not linger much in the playground and I work during the day. But I have made more of an effort since last term to get to know parents in his class and have tried to arrange some playdates. But sadly I have come to the conclusion that many children's playdates and party invites in my son's class are subject to sociald engineering by their parents. I think tbh my ds2 is in a duff class in this respect. Just the luck of the draw, I'm afraid. Last year, ds2's teacher asked me to arrange playdates for him and implied it would help if I was around more at school, to help ds find a best friend.

My oldest ds when he was at the school did not have this problem - he had regular party invites and playdates, even though I didn't put a huge amount of effort in getting to know parents and didn't do many of the school pick ups.

I agree with what tigermoth is saying.
I didn't actually think all this playground cliqueyness exsisted until my dd started school last month.
Its so odd.

I have noticed that some children who are invited to dd's party next week haven't invited her to their parties.
I was a bit upset about it but dd hasnt mentioned it and doesn't seem bothered.
Plus it has nothing to do with me why she is or isnt invited.

But sadly, I do think that alot of it has to do with which parents you speak to in the school playground.
I just can't be doing with the whole clique thing.
It drives me scatty.

Hi

I think it is human nature to feel a little aggrieved if you or your child know people and their children and then don't get invited to parties.

However, the reasons for this will never be known to you and they probably have nothing to do with how well you get on with people in the playground or anything to do with your daughter.

I am fortunate enough to know lots of mums in the playground but it would never mean I wouldn't invite a child to a party if I didn't know their parent.

Most parents are also aware that parties are a minefield and you will invariably upset someone somewhere - even if you invite the whole class! There's no point getting drawn in to the whys and wherefores. Being yourself should enough.

I agree that big class parties can be souless too. We have had several over the years but I won't do it this year.

I just try to think, if you're left out, that's life. These things happen and will happen to your children again and again as they grow up. They will take their cue from you as to how to deal with it.

I have to say, I've got to the point now (ds is in Yr 1) that I dread spendping two hours hanging round some cold church hall for the inevitable routine of bouncy castle, disco, or magician and party tea. Parents spend so much money trying to do it right and/or different and most kids just want a play, presents and some cake - end of!

When ds was in nursery, most children had whole class parties. In reception, lots of children had whole class parties, but some had a smaller do where they just invited their close friends. Now he's in Year 1 and the same thing applies - he doesn't get invited to every party except those that are whole class but he gets plenty of party invites from his friends.

I didn't invite the whole class to his party - there were lots of them but he wanted to invite nursery friends who were in the other class (two form year) and some siblings or friends who don't go to his school. If I'd invited the whole year, it would have been 45 children and no room for siblings or friends who don't go to his school!

Think I got it slightly wrong and missed some children whose parties he had been invited to. Felt a bit bad about that but I genuinely forgot some of them because they aren't particularly close friends and they had invited him because theirs were whole class.

Ds drew up his own list and I added other people he'd forgotten but does play with, and children from out of school (he seemed to be picking from his year but I knew he'd want about eight friends from out of school).

I just wanted to stress that I don't actually think that parents should have to invite 30 children to their DC's parties (I knew I should NOT have used the term 'all or nothing'!). I just meant that I, personally, always tried to ensure that no-one felt left out.

EG, one year DD had a skating party where ideally 12-14 would have been my absolute max due to the cost. However, this would have meant leaving out two girls in her class which I didn't feel comfortable doing, so we ended up with 14-16ish. This is the 'soft touch' side of me and my DP - which is probably not teaching our DCs a good life lesson, but, oh well, I can live with that!!

As I said, I know I am in a minority here, but I obviously respect other people's opinions as well.

Imagine doing a party for a whole class!
It would be sheer madness.

I'm lucky this year in that dd wanted a princess party and girls only and there are only 8 girls in dd's class, plus a couple from the other class that she went to preschool with.

She changed her mind a couple of weeks ago and said she wanted boys too but I had to draw the line somewhere.
Inviting more than 12 would have been silly.

Those of you who get round the whole class thing by jsut inviting boys or girls think about my situation. There are 23 boys and 6 girls in DS's class. So I have never invited all the boys. When he was in reception I think we invited about 10 boys and 2 girls but also his sister and cousins and a couple of out of school friends, and similar in Y1.

I think all class or none is not feasible. But I also think that it is possible to invite some without doing the thing of leaving one or two out which I agree is mean.

Very odd to think you have to invite the whole class.

We have parties at home and invite about 10 children from the class.

I do think it would be unkind to invite more then 20 and leave some out though.

The minority have whole class parties here and every one (including the chilren) seems to accept that.

I personally am very glad as I, I don't want to have to go to 30 blinking parties at the weekends.

To be honest, it sounds like it is the OP who is the one with the issues here, rather than her DD. She comes across quite badly. Sorry, OP, but you seem to have taken massive offence at what I see as fair and innocuous comments. I wonder if you were left out of party invites as a child and that's why it's so important to you?

I agree, that to be the ONLY child in the class not to be invited is definitely out of order, and is very hurtful. But you haven't really said whether this is the case?

My DS has just started reception, and I am dithering about his party in December as he doesn't even know the name of everyone in his class yet. We don't have much money and have always had small family parties at home, so this year were thinkikng of having a soft play party with about 12-13 kids. But after his brother and 3 cousins attend, that only leaves about 7 spaces for his friends from school, and to be honest, at the moment the people he says he hang around with probably number that amount anyway, so this would work out ok. The cost for 12 kids is huge as it is, and there's no way we can afford to pay for the whole class to come. Likewise, our house is too small to invite the whole class. DS is friends with both girls AND boys and so couldn't invite JUST boys from his class (plus there is the fact that 2 of the boys in his class play far too rough int he playground for his liking and he avoids them at school, so why the bloody hell should I ruin his party for him by inviting those 2 because I feel I ought to?)

I do feel that far too much is read into these things by parents. It's like sending a Christmas card to somoeone cos they've sent you one, but you haven't bothered seeing each other for years and don't keep in touch between Christmases. What's the point?

Can I just say something about playground cliques? (or quiches? ) I am aware that to other parents in the playgorund, it may look like I am part of such a clique as I already know some of the parents of kids in my son's class from his nursery and even way back to toddler group, so there is always someone to talk to. It is NOT a clique, FGS. It is not even the same set of parents each time. If another mum were to come and stand near and join in the conversation, then we would welcome it. To be honest, I have tried to talk to some of the mums that just stand on their own at the edge of the playground and it seems that they prefer being on their own as I get a one-word reply from them, and more a scowl than a smile. It is hard to know who is just shy and who is just a miserable stand-offish bugger so I've given up trying to speak to any of the mums I don't already know unless they look like they actually want to be friendly!

How is someone supposed to look like they are friendly ? rachel you sound like a clique of the highest form and thats why some people don't have the confidence to approach a group of women like yourselves, in the school playground I do stand with a cluster of mums, but often I do go up too the other mums who are standing on their own and make conversation, I often see someone to walk into the playgroudn with whether we had a deep conversation or not, I certainly wouldn't have the attitude that someone is a miserable stand-offish bugger because they weren't tripping over themselves with conversation, goodness how strange !!

In my daughter's school a lot of the parties are entertainers or soft play centres, there are a few who have personal parties but a big group do invite the whole class, they wouldn't dream of missing out a child because their child didn't like him/her, what is that teaching a child except for dissmissing anything they don't like, sometimes boys parties don't invite the girls and vice versa, that is different than deliberately leaving out a child, how mean.

Giving out party invitations at school should be banned. The look of hurt on children's faces when they expect to get an invitation when there isn't one forthcoming is heartbreaking. It's bad enough when children announce to each other that X isn't invited to their party but playground mums make it worse with the public distribution of invitations. I'm sure DH told me it's a banned practice in Swedish schools because of the distress it causes. Children do need to learn that they won't be invited to everything but there are gentler ways of doing this.

In ds's school, you give the invites to the teacher, who puts them in book bags. So no upset children who haven't been invited.

It would be very mean to have a party and leave out just one or two children from the whole class. But you don't have to have everyone, just not 'everyone but those two'.