Y6 teacher upsetting DS and he doesn't want to go to school. How would you approach the school,

[Drazzzamba]

Year 6 teacher upsetting DS — how would you approach the school, especially while references are being written?
I’d really appreciate some advice from parents who know the English primary school system from the inside. We moved to the UK for work and are still learning how things are usually handled here.
DS joined his current Catholic state primary towards the end of Year 5. He loved school last year, settled in well and had very good relationships with his teachers. It is a highly rated school in a well-regarded area. There is a new headteacher this academic year.
Since starting Year 6 with a different teacher, he has been coming home very upset, sometimes crying, and increasingly saying he doesn’t want to go to school.
According to him, the teacher frequently shouts at the class and says things along the lines of “I really want to go home” and “I’m tired of you.” He also reports her threatening to write children bad secondary school references because they are badly behaved. She frequently threatens to keep them in at break and sometimes does so.
I appreciate that this is my child’s account, and I haven’t heard the teacher’s perspective. I also don’t think my child is incapable of being irritating or contributing to a difficult situation.
He is academically strong and finds quite a lot of the work easy. He enjoys debating, challenges things and can probably make his boredom rather too obvious. I would not be surprised if there were some eye-rolling. He is also an atheist in a Catholic school and asks questions about religion that may not always be welcome. I can see how the combination could be wearing for a teacher, and I am happy to address any inappropriate behaviour on his part.
However, none of his Year 5 teachers raised concerns about him, and he still has very positive relationships with the other teachers he knows. The change in how he feels about school has been striking, and I’m concerned about his emotional wellbeing if this continues for the rest of the year.
The timing makes me hesitant about how to proceed. He has done well in the grammar school entrance exams so far, with one more exam to go. We are also applying to independent schools as alternatives. They have now requested school references, and I have just paid the school’s reference fee. I assume his current teacher will have some involvement in writing them.
Part of me thinks we should get through this stage of admissions and have the references completed before raising anything. But I’m uncomfortable with waiting if he continues coming home this distressed.
I’m not looking to go in all guns blazing or demand disciplinary action against the teacher. I want to find a constructive way for him to feel happy and comfortable at school again. Ideally, the classroom situation would improve. Otherwise, I would like to explore a move to a parallel Year 6 class, although I don’t yet know whether that would be possible.
For those with experience of this, what would your first steps be?
Would you speak to the teacher first, or request a confidential meeting with the head, given that the concern is about the teacher herself? How would you raise the effect on your child without the conversation immediately becoming defensive? And is moving to a parallel class something schools will realistically consider in these circumstances?
I’d also appreciate honest views on whether the reference situation should affect the timing.
I don’t have many people around me with first-hand experience of navigating English schools, so some real-life parental experience would be very welcome. Thank you.

@Anotherbrewpls I’d probably do the same. It’s a very hard job, and teaching requires many very specific techniques to be successful.

Better if your PITA of a child learns sometimes it's good to be respectful and shut up, time and place and all that. But with you as the mum I doubt he'll learn. Oh well, hope the reference is truthful.

I can see this is a very frustrating situation for you and for your so , and the advice to go with sharing how he is feeling and neutrally and positively asking about solutions is right.

I know you don’t want to hear this, but you also need to tell your son to pull his neck in and behave. He is being a pain in the ass, and one of the things you have to learn in life is that sometimes you need to get your head down and stop contributing to the problem. There will be crap/strict/annoying teachers sometimes… All this is not to say that you should not also seek to address the teacher’s behaviour and maybe seek a move, just that it will all go much better if it goes along with some more toeing of the line by your son.

@Lindtnotlint
I'm not seeking advice on how to approach my child because I already know what to do in this area. The Catholic school in the UK is another story. Thus, I greatly appreciate all the advice, with deep knowledge and personal experience, on the requested matter.

Dear mums and beyond,

Thank you so much for helping me understand how to proceed with the school.
I greatly appreciate all the advice, your deep knowledge of the system, and your personal experience on this matter. It helped a lot.
🙌

I am not saying that teachers never shout - and in some circumstances such as in the playground a shout may be a practical necessity.

However, what a child refers to as ‘shouting’ or ‘a shout’ may not in fact be more than a firm projected voice. If your child has previously been in a small school with small classes, and in a quiet gentle home, it may be that he isn’t used to a ‘teacher voice’ of that type.

I have been accused of shouting by a parent, and with their child present demonstrated exactly the voice that I had used (child agreed) and we discussed why. The parent did not perceive it as shouting in any way, and was then able to work with their child to talk about why a teacher might use a loud voice on occasion.

Agree with the above IME children often say the teacher ‘shouted’ when what they actually experienced was a teacher speaking firmly and saying things they didn’t like - being ‘told off’ is an uncomfortable experience, it’s meant to be! Teachers are allowed to speak firmly - and they may need to raise their voices- in a playground, to cut across loud noise etc.

IME actual teacher ‘shouting’ in anger is very, very rare these days. Although I wouldn’t rule it out 100% I would certainly take your son’s version of shouting with a pinch of salt. If I was speaking firmly to a group of children and another child kept interrupting/arguing I would raise my voice a tone/dial up the firmness a notch to him because that is unacceptable behaviour- I would expect him to feel ‘chastised’ but it wouldn’t mean I’d ‘shouted.’. He can expect to be spoken to very directly and firmly for disrupting lessons and arguing teachers - it’s a really bad path for him to set out on and he needs to stop.

Agreed on the child’s interpretation of “shouting” - my eight year old sometimes says I am shouting at him when actually I am just saying something he doesn’t want to hear like that it’s time to turn off the TV! In my experience primary school teachers generally are very gentle and overly positive “Some people are struggling to do what I’ve asked” whereas I would just have said “Johnny, I’ve already asked you once to sit down”. Probably why I am not a teacher!

Its obviously your choice not to tell himbto stop it but dont expect a good reference.
. A grammar or private school will not want a pupil behaving like this abd they very much them have the ability to expel disruptive argumentative kids.

never shouting or telling kids off can end up like this where dc are then anxious when teachers speak loudly or tell other kids off