Would you raise concerns about a possessive friend in Year 2?

[Sadturtle]

DD is in Year 2 and has been very close friends with C and M since Reception. They genuinely love playing together and DD actively seeks C out.

However, C seems very possessive of both girls. She gets angry when they play with other children, tells them they shouldn't, follows them when they try to leave and sometimes physically tries to stop them. There have also been incidents of scratching, biting and trying to hit.

Yesterday I saw a fairly extreme episode myself. C became furious with M over something tiny, tried to hit her, screamed, and then bit her own mum when she intervened. Her mum eventually had to take her home.

M's mum then told me that last year C frequently made M cry, was physically aggressive towards her and tried to stop her playing with other children.

The odd thing is that DD seems quite unfazed. She says C is just jealous and wants them to play only with her, but that she and M don't have to do what C says. She still really likes C, isn't seem to be frightened of her and wants to stay friends, but also wants other friends.

Would this concern you? Would you speak to the teacher even if your own child seems to be handling it?

Other classmates and friends not from her school

We had this exact scenario in that our DC was basically used by the teaching staff to be a ‘friend’ for the difficult children. One in particular was very bossy and possessive. My experience is that schools aren’t very good at managing this stuff. Luckily for our DC the worst child left the school.

I don't want to say too much as worry it could be outing but it was nothing major and did not lead to any injury. Still, there was abnormal physical touching involved and DD was distressed enough to cry. The teacher said she will keep an eye on them and inform other relevant audits at the school

Oh I really hope this would not be the case

They don’t change. They just go on to be possessive adults.

Trios don't work. I seen a lot of this and I would definitely keep school updated. I assume it is only 1 year class?

Your DD has been doing great but it will start to knock her confidence. Hard but she will soon realise that she can say no and move away go play with others. The school will then need to deal with the behaviour.

Good luck though. Definitely best to involve the school and without trying to involve other parents listen out to what the other mum is saying about impact on her child

Yes it sounds like that's what happened yesterday. DD tried to move away then C was upset and physical stuff happened.

They have 2 classes per year

It would be wise to have play dates with her classmates so she can foster relationships beyond these two girls

Has your daughter ever been around to a classmates house since starting >2 years ago?

there was abnormal physical touching involved . How odd. Did DD talk to you about it?

Yes

What's odd about this? I saw C doing physical stuff to M and her mom so I am not really surprised. DD did not bring it up but when we told her we know what happened she was ok to talk about it

But neither of these two?

this is really odd “abnormal physical touching”

You make it sound sexual!

Either way… encourage her to forge friendships with others. Invite them over for weekend play date. She needs to focus on other friendships

No it was not sexual!

But also it was not nice friendly touching or something you would encourage kids to do to each other. I don't want to use the word assault as it sounds quite dramatic.

Following with interest! My DD is in Year 1 and in a similar situation with two other girls in her class, though doesn’t sound as extreme as this case. Her controlling friend does lots of “pulling” DD and other friend when not getting what she wants, has recently sat in between them at lunchtime when they tried to sit together and dictated who they play with/whether or not they have school dinner or packed lunch the following day! I wasn’t impressed when DD said she tries to get her friend to play the one game she really enjoys because it “makes her happy” and that she “forgets about the pulling!!”

I’m checking in with DD at the moment and ensuring she knows to keep asserting herself/drawing boundaries with the friend trying to control and raising with the teachers if the friend oversteps. They’ve spoken to this girl a couple of times very recently, I found out from DD yesterday, so I think they’ve clocked the situation, and I was very pleased to hear DD played with other friends today at lunchtime. I will keep monitoring though and am ready to speak to the teachers if there are future incidents. I think if scratching or biting were involved I’d be speaking to the teachers straight away.

I think if scratching or biting were involved I’d be speaking to the teachers straight away.

exactly

But neither of these BFF’s?

I think there is a lot weird about all this @Sadturtle .

I would be encouraging friendships with others and having play dates with other friends she mentions (from school!)

Sorry to hear about this.
On a positive note, if sounds like your DD is pretty mature and self aware. If you help her to continue to navigate the situation, it could give her a lot of useful life skills! I'd make sure chat is kept very open.. never react negatively to what she tells you, as you don't want her to start holding things back. If she says the other girl hurt her, use that to ask her how it made her feel, what she thinks would be the right thing to do etc etc. Guide her as much as you can (and obviously involve school where needed).

Sounds like you have a DD to be very proud of, which is ultimately a reflection on you and your good parenting

It is not normal for a child of this age to still be biting and scratching. The fact that she’s so possessive and still behaving like a toddler I would think she may have ADHD or ASD. Now I know people are going to say thats an excuse, but really children who show extremes are usually neurodivergent unless she is extremely spoilt and entitled. Your daughter seems to have it under control and I would just keep the conversation open with her regarding this.

I would mention it to the teachers, they may already be aware. We had a similar situation at nursery and when I brought it up, they were already keeping them separate as much as possible.