Would you raise concerns about a possessive friend in Year 2?

[Sadturtle]

DD is in Year 2 and has been very close friends with C and M since Reception. They genuinely love playing together and DD actively seeks C out.

However, C seems very possessive of both girls. She gets angry when they play with other children, tells them they shouldn't, follows them when they try to leave and sometimes physically tries to stop them. There have also been incidents of scratching, biting and trying to hit.

Yesterday I saw a fairly extreme episode myself. C became furious with M over something tiny, tried to hit her, screamed, and then bit her own mum when she intervened. Her mum eventually had to take her home.

M's mum then told me that last year C frequently made M cry, was physically aggressive towards her and tried to stop her playing with other children.

The odd thing is that DD seems quite unfazed. She says C is just jealous and wants them to play only with her, but that she and M don't have to do what C says. She still really likes C, isn't seem to be frightened of her and wants to stay friends, but also wants other friends.

Would this concern you? Would you speak to the teacher even if your own child seems to be handling it?

It would be good to mention the biting and scratching etc to the teacher as sometimes a teacher is building a profile of a child with the view to getting extra support and building a picture of incidents helps. This child may have extra needs and is not able to cope with a group of 3 but is fine one on one. Your dd may not be affected by it as she doesn't react so the situation is not exacerbated but M ..with a different nature may react so it explodes.
My ds had a friend like this and l noticed his parents liked him to come to our house as my ds was so laid back he didn't get involved so all was calm while other kids couldn't handle him and there was war. However as time went on l had to withdraw ds a bit as he was getting totally manipulated by the other boy and l felt too much was expected of him. There were even times the teacher used my son to calm the boy or put them together on a walk and l wasn't happy with him being given that role.
In short l would discuss it with the teacher and l would give dd permission to play with whoever she likes, whenever she likes.

Wow, this is so unfair the teacher did this to your DS - he is a child and should not be doing the grown-ups work!

That's the impression I have of C, as you say that she is ok 1:1 but struggles to handle groups. And yes, she seems to have more issues with M than DD.

We constantly say to DD that she may play with whoever she wants and only if she wants to.

I am Puzzled you can’t remember if you have ever seen bite marks or scratches when your daughter has told you this has been happening

and I am puzzled that your daughter has never,
not once, been invited over to theirs (they didn’t even reciprocate the few play dates you have had for them?)

They never invited her back?

are you sure they are as close to your daughter as you think?

Absolutely. And in case you feel guilty for any reason, it's good for everyone's sake, including the child who is possessive. Doing something now gives school and home a chance to work on the child understanding that this isn't ok and to improve their social and relationship skills. They'll do better socially from an intervention earlier rather than later.

Thank you. I am feeling guilty, especially as I quite like C's mom. I don't know her well but she seems to be quite nice and I am feeling like I am doing something related to her child behind her back.

Also feeling guilty remembering all the episodes DD mentioned to me last year and think I should have paid more attention especially when she mentioned things like scratching etc

One friendship ended when the other child changed schools a few months later. At my child's insistence we arranged a couple of playdates with the child but the relationship fizzled out because my child got sick of being bossed around. They ended up at the same activity group for a while and my child just avoided them successfully because "they aren't really my friend now"

The other one, my child asserted their boundaries, drifted towards other less possessive friends but they still spent time together at school. The two of them are at different secondary schools now and the friendship has fizzled out naturally.

DD is in Year 2 and has been very close friends with C and M since Reception. They genuinely love playing together and DD actively seeks C out.

but you daughter has never been invited on a play date to either child’s house in more than 2 years?

How is that relevant to the issue that I have?

I already said that I am not friends with C and M's mom. We don't do drop off playdates so they girls only play at the school or the playground straight after school. I am a bit tired of repeating this TBH.

I am also quite upset because there were further developments today - a call from DD's teacher saying that DD cried as C physically hurt her at the school. I am really upset. If you don't have any relevant advice please don't waste my time with pointless questions.

No, definitely not. C and M moms often mentioned that their kids are close friends with DD. Teachers also said this during parent evenings. The girls play together at the school events. Etc

@SadturtleOf course it’s an unhealthy relationship! You need to be clear to dd that she can play with other dc and she needs to wean herself off the possessive one. The behaviour would make me tell my child to avoid this one. Who needs this?

My DS had a similarly possessive friend in YrR. It was a child who lived in our village but hadn’t gone to the nursery, so they had a couple of play dates before school started. My son became the only person the other child knew, and was therefore possessive of DS. My DS also handled it well, and we discussed it at home, and I said I would talk to the teacher if my DS asked me to. One day he came home and asked me to speak to his teacher. She dealt with it really well, and the situation improved, but was still affecting my DS in Yr1 and to a lesser extent in Yr2. DS is now in Yr4 and the child’s behaviour has improved so it is no longer an issue, they are friendly to each other but no longer friends for play dates if you see what I mean. Throughout it all I was on good terms with the child’s mum, we never discussed it, the school dealt with it, and my DS was happy to go for play dates if invited as there was no issue one to one.

Trios are the worst. My daughter was in a trio at that age and it was a mess. So much arguing, so much crying. Thankfully one girl moved schools in p2 and my daughter and the other one stayed friends for the rest of primary school.

BUT she did end up in a very possessive friendship when she was a bit older that really, really fell apart hard and then turned into a bullying situation that eventually ended up with that child being encouraged to move schools after it became a wider thing. So you are right to be concerned.

is it possible for your daughter to move class? If not I’d be at the school tomorrow to speak with the wellbeing teacher or head teacher or whoever (I’m in Scotland so the terms might be different) and ask they are kept apart as much as possible. Never be in groups together or sit near each other. Really encourage other friendships, stop
goimg to the part for these trio hangouts, maybe sign up for football / dance / taekwando / whatever. Basically get your daughter a whole life outside this. I didn’t try hard enough when this started with my daughter and I regret that a lot.

Thank you, @CuteCactus! Do you know by any chance what exactly the teacher did to improve it, please?

Thank you, this is really helpful. I will try to put more effort into it and really keep them apart after school. The teacher is now also aware of it via what we told her on the call and via email.

@Sadturtle You can ask dc are not sitting near each other in the classroom. That playground assistants should be aware that they should be separated at playtime. The playground assistants can lead games and divert child away from yours. They have to watch and be proactive. Dd needs to trust the teacher if she feels bullied or prevented from playing with other dc so ensure that’s a good relationship. Try to disengage from the possessive child so no playing at yours. No encouragement of a friendship.

Thank you, these are very useful practical things to do

What injuries did your daughter sustain yesterday @Sadturtle ?

Doss your daughter have other close friends or just these two girls?

Yes. I have done so for similar reasons, eventually my child mentioned it at bedtime and it was clear it was bothering him. At the end of the day you also don’t want your child to be sad at the thought of going to school….its not healthy behaviour and the child needs some guidance. It’s hard when you can’t see it for yourself but teachers are best placed as they know all the children.

These girls seem to be the ones she plays at school with mostly but she is often very friendly with other classmates and sometimes they hang together too. She also has lots of friends outside the school

I know you never say you do mid week paydays but what friends does she have over at the weekend?

What was the detail behind your DD being “physically hurt” yesterday? Injuries?what did your DD say last night? What did the teacher suggest?