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Primary education

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Would moving school help after a difficult start in reception?

88 replies

greenanddamp · 03/06/2026 19:52

I feel like ds(5) hasn’t made a hugely positive start to reception. I’ve been called in today over poor behaviour but I know they only bring parents in if it’s bad - that is to say I think there’s a lot of low level stuff going on.

I have really tried to address it with ds but it’s hard as I’m not there and I get these long rambling responses that make little sense. However, some behaviour is totally new and quite upsetting for me. It does seem to be that he’s palled up with a couple of other boys, can’t stay away from them (and likewise) and together it’s just a really awful combination.

It’s a one form entry and mixed reception / Y1.

I was really upset after school today as I’m just mortified at his behaviour and honestly am inclined to think a fresh start might be best. What does everyone think?

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Sweepyed · 04/06/2026 15:09

You need everything in writing. Tell them you do not want a little chat at pick up

or in person meetings unless minuted.

However it does sound like you are not trying at all with consequences.

If its such a small school they should have time to feedback behaviour issues in writing as they happen.

Could he have adhd? Is he generally impulsive? Disorganised? Struggle not to interrupt?

What consequence would you do if he ignored you telling him to stop jumping in mud?

Most kids who struggle in reception have undiagnosed sen.

I dont think bigger schools help as they are avoiding dealing with issues by moving classes around and seating etc..
Some of the problem eg with splashing mud is that the kid may not mind it happening to them so think other kids whinge.

You could ask for closer playground supervision.

My kid has adhd and had awful reception year schools will not suggest sen to you

greenanddamp · 04/06/2026 15:39

Why do I need everything in writing? I’m not at the old Bailey.

If he didn’t stop jumping in mud and it going on others I’d probably remove him from wherever we were. A bit different in school of course. But unless people can actually govern a consequence that will work I’m not really interested in engaging about further discussion about it.

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GingerBeverage · 04/06/2026 15:49

What reaction do you think the other boys' parents had? Same as yours, or indifference? If they don't care, their boys won't care and there is a chance your boy will keep copying their behaviour.
In which case, I would move him to a larger setting.

BertieBotts · 04/06/2026 16:44

Yes, I wasn't giving the link to suggest that he has ADHD, just that it's a useful approach socially for children who struggle with this specific aspect of getting overexcited and hyped up and then missing social cues from others. That is common in ADHD, and it's published in an ADHD magazine which is why that's the title, but the intervention is essentially a version of social skills training which is designed for use within the environment the child is experiencing the difficulty. The problem with social skills training usually is that when you're 5 and get overexcited by your best very very fun friend doing something crazy, there's no way you're going to think back to the therapist's office and the role play you did with a doll or the book you read about "hands are not for hitting". You're just caught up in the moment. So they need the training in the moment because this is what can help rewrite patterns of behaviour. But standard, reactive in-the-moment discipline strategies are unlikely to work because the skills they need come several steps before the behaviour which gets caught in a reactive discipline approach. That behaviour is "late" to quote Ross Greene. It's more of an outcome of the way they are behaving early on, which is not necessarily picked up on because most children can behave exactly the same earlier on in the process but will instinctively stop at some point where it feels too much for them. For children who are getting so overexcited that they miss those cues, or where the inhibitory control ("brakes") is not well developed, whether this is related to ADHD or just difficulties in that specific area, they need more support with this part of the interaction, where the cascade of behaviours and reactions starts which results in a behaviour that is going to get them hurt or told off.

Since you had a reassuring conversation with the headteacher, and if you/the teachers are all in agreement that the combination of the three of them is the catalyst, I don't think it sounds like they are labelling him a problem child. It sounds to me like they've been trying to address the behaviour in class and are now at the point where they need to step up that (hopefully to offer some rounded support) and so they are cluing you in, which is exactly what they should be doing, but might come as a bit of a shock to you if they haven't mentioned anything before and it seems like suddenly there are all these issues and it's an emergency and needs handling straight away - that's a completely understandable reaction, but if you can step back and look at the bigger picture, it doesn't sound like it's at an emergency level to me. It just sounds like they want you to be aware, which is great.

I would definitely keep pursuing relationships with other children in the class and outside of school, and try to ensure these interactions are almost always positive, because it can be a very useful parallel to draw with DS when you say something like DS, when you play with Jake he's always nice and you have fun, but sometimes when you play with Simon he is a bit mean to you, have you noticed that? He probably won't get it yet (and don't over-egg it or he'll feel he has to defend "Simon" to you) but I bet as he gets closer to six or seven, you will see him start to reflect on the fact that his friendships with less turbulent children tend to be more enjoyable and he gets into trouble less. And although I also don't especially like consequences (esp arbitrary ones) as a method of "teaching" and I don't think they really teach anything or lead to behaviour change on their own, they can be quite useful in terms of helping children join the dots on something which might otherwise be a bit far past their understanding, because he will probably spot that when he plays with child X he ends up with consequences whereas when he plays with child Y he doesn't. It's a bit cruel to be kind, but it can help. This is also why to make them minor (or reverse them e.g. offer a sticker/point for a period of time without certain behaviour) because it helps when you're frustrated and feel he's not developmentally able to distance himself from the more boisterous children, but there isn't any immediate natural consequence to going OTT with them, in fact it's actually a lot of fun. Sometimes the job of arbitrary consequences is to be a proxy for a natural consequence which would be too severe or too far in the future (such as every child in his class thinking he's naughty and to be avoided). We can use adult foresight to see where that behaviour pattern is leading. If you're expecting a consequence to be scary enough that it stops his behaviour in the moment without an adult interrupting the behaviour and reminding him, then no, that is not likely to happen (but this is good - you don't actually want consequences that scary!!) it's more that it builds a picture over time and they get a bit fed up of being the one who loses out on the sticker or has to go inside or whatever it is, and they see that as a consistent pattern over time, then it can get them to see the perspective of OK, maybe I do want to change how this goes. The school consequences might be enough for this BTW - I think you'll get a sense of whether they are or not.

KoalaSquid · 04/06/2026 17:08

We’ve been having similar issues with our son. On his own, he’s a very sensible and quite placid child. When he’s with more exuberant children, he lets himself gets carried away and goes too far. I’m not putting all the blame on “bad influences”, getting caught up in silliness rather than walking away is a problem he needs to work on. But it’s hard to resolve because we never see that side of him. And like you, I don’t think unrelated consequences at home help resolve issues that happened several hours previously and which we don’t get the full picture of.

I think the ethos of the school can make a big difference. One of our options was a school that was a lot more traditional in its approach. I could tell that they were a lot firmer on behaviour issues and my son would have responded well to it. Things would have been nipped in the bud before they escalated. Could you look for a new school which is more like that? It still was a nice school and wasn’t like a prison, it just had a firmer vibe that would be good for an “ultimately good but easily led” child.

KoalaSquid · 04/06/2026 17:10

I do think two form entry schools are better in this regard, it’s part of the reason we chose one for our son. They have a wider choice of friends in the first place so might not be drawn to children they’d be mutually silly with. And as you say, they can at least separate the children if problems do arise.

pregnantfish · 04/06/2026 17:17

You sounds like a really supportive parent and a lovely mum.
Don't be embarrassed, you cannot control what your child does at school - what matters is your reaction and how you work with the school. You and other posters are right, he could end up showing the same behaviours at another school.
Have school put anything in place such as behaviour charts etc - what are the consequences at home/school? Sounds like he might be in need of some “nurture” on their end as well as strong boundaries. I often find that children that exhibit these kinds of behaviours need another outlet.

greenanddamp · 04/06/2026 17:22

Thanks @BertieBotts . A lot of that makes sense. I have always said ds is a bit of a chameleon and becomes what’s around him. We used to go to a rugby session for 3-5 year olds and if so happened when he started he was only just 3, and the others were four plus and fairly sensible and voila; I had an enthusiastic and well behaved child there. Fast forward a year and they aged out and some younger children joined and ds was no longer as engaged.

He has had consequences at school and rightly so; I am supportive of these but at this stage I’m not introducing punishments at home, especially since what was related to me by the reception teacher and by the headteacher were notably different and I could easily have punished him for something he didn’t do. Yesterday I thought we had a future sociopath on our hands whereas today it transpires it was more silliness and not listening which absolutely shouldn’t be happening and needs addressing but nothing like as serious as I’d believed.

We live another day. I am still concerned - it would be nice if had managed to get through reception without any real trouble but that’s probably not realistic.

@KoalaSquid thank you. It’s a maturity thing and I hope it will come in time but When he’s with more exuberant children, he lets himself gets carried away and goes too far. I’m not putting all the blame on “bad influences”, getting caught up in silliness rather than walking away is a problem he needs to work on. But it’s hard to resolve because we never see that side of him describes my ds to a point! Although I do see that side to him, he isn’t like that alone or with chilled out children!

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greenanddamp · 04/06/2026 17:24

pregnantfish · 04/06/2026 17:17

You sounds like a really supportive parent and a lovely mum.
Don't be embarrassed, you cannot control what your child does at school - what matters is your reaction and how you work with the school. You and other posters are right, he could end up showing the same behaviours at another school.
Have school put anything in place such as behaviour charts etc - what are the consequences at home/school? Sounds like he might be in need of some “nurture” on their end as well as strong boundaries. I often find that children that exhibit these kinds of behaviours need another outlet.

That’s really kind. Thank you. I do try but I’m not feeling like I am doing a very good job at the moment Sad

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Sweepyed · 04/06/2026 19:51

Im saying get in writing because

  • School intentionally dont put things in writing possibly so you cant say weve had all these issues can school do something

or -might there be sen

If they arent putting in email they probably arent logging anything
They also wont action anything from.meetings

In context my.eldest had teachers speaking to us at least 10 times in.reception. And times apevery single year. My youngest they only.ever talked to.us once, as she didnt like.being in trouble.at school.

Sometimes moving school may help however ive seen kids move to other school and back again and they turn out to have sen. Because ultimately its not the teacher, school or parent its how the child reacts to busy school environments and other kids and where teachers often dont prevent them doing silly things

DanceMumTaxi · 04/06/2026 20:12

Are there spaces at nearby schools? Infant classes are capped at 30. There might be less free time in yr1. They start to do more ‘proper lessons’ so this might minimise contact between the boys. What did school suggest?

DanceMumTaxi · 04/06/2026 20:14

At this age I would go for positive reinforcement rather than punishments. How do you think a sticker chart would do down so he could earn treats? All children like praise and many respond very positively.

greenanddamp · 04/06/2026 20:25

DanceMumTaxi · 04/06/2026 20:12

Are there spaces at nearby schools? Infant classes are capped at 30. There might be less free time in yr1. They start to do more ‘proper lessons’ so this might minimise contact between the boys. What did school suggest?

Loads; schools are struggling to fill their classes. But I’m not doing anything hasty. I will look around the other school, since I’ve arranged it now and it’s good to have it as a backup if things do deteriorate further. But hopefully they won’t.

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