Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Would moving school help after a difficult start in reception?

88 replies

greenanddamp · 03/06/2026 19:52

I feel like ds(5) hasn’t made a hugely positive start to reception. I’ve been called in today over poor behaviour but I know they only bring parents in if it’s bad - that is to say I think there’s a lot of low level stuff going on.

I have really tried to address it with ds but it’s hard as I’m not there and I get these long rambling responses that make little sense. However, some behaviour is totally new and quite upsetting for me. It does seem to be that he’s palled up with a couple of other boys, can’t stay away from them (and likewise) and together it’s just a really awful combination.

It’s a one form entry and mixed reception / Y1.

I was really upset after school today as I’m just mortified at his behaviour and honestly am inclined to think a fresh start might be best. What does everyone think?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Poppingby · 04/06/2026 08:36

If you're not finding out about the behaviour for weeks then there is a problem at school isn't there because you should be hearing about this as it happens.

Are you/his dad around at pickups? I would be expecting a clear update every day. I'd expect school to be giving him a clear set of behaviours for a "good" day and to let you know how that has gone. And that's when you can bring in star charts and all that. I'm not really one for external carrot/stick as I think the relationship between me and my kid is what drives them to behave well, but if you like consequences and rewards you still have to have the info to do it in a timely way.

If school are not able to do this for some reason then moving is something to consider but it's worth trying to work it through first. I wonder though if you are actually taking the behaviour more seriously than they are for a 5 yr old? Worth thinking about.

greenanddamp · 04/06/2026 08:53

What tends to happen is there are a lot of ‘small’ events then a big event and then I find out about the small events when I am pulled in over the big events. We’ve had three ‘big’ ones. I can do what I can do at home but in the meantime my child is transforming in front of me and I’m allowed to be worried about that.

OP posts:
Beamur · 04/06/2026 09:08

Take a step back.
He's probably a fairly typical 5 year old boy. You are an aware and responsible parent. He has so much to learn. You are not failing him and he's not destined to be a problem child.
Every school year is different - they grow up, learn new skills, get different teachers (some will be better than others)
My tips.
Regular check ins with the class teacher, ask how you can support the schools expectations at home.
Talk to your son, his behaviour isn't going to miraculously change, but you can keep reinforcing praise for good behaviour you see at home.
Foster other friendships outside of school - some sports are very good for encouraging team work and behaviour (rugby, cricket, martial arts, boxing) or messy outdoorsy stuff if that's what he likes (scouts, woodcraft folk, forest school)
Talk to him about his behaviour at school and reinforce the narrative that it might be fun, but it's having a bad impact other people (like the mud in the face) - how would he feel if it was the other way round?
I wouldn't remove nice things at home but I would have some kind of long term reward in mind for continuing good behaviour at school. Either something like stickers, where you get one every day/week for no reports of bad behaviour at school. With small/medium term rewards - like a week of good behaviour at school gets a new magazine, 2 weeks a small toy and so on. Or instead of things - do something extra that he likes - cinema trip/movie night at home - anything that he especially likes and values. So you reinforce the connection between good behaviour= nice things happen.

StartleBright · 04/06/2026 09:23

OP,
you have identified that he is impulsive and making poor choices as a result. That can happen. He’s a kid. So, how can you help him to rein the impulsivity in?

I have a kid with crazy high levels of energy (or so it seems to me 😂) - and if he doesn’t sleep enough,or eat consistent wholesome Foods, his impulsivity rockets and his ability to hear me is non- existent.

I choose to prioritize his sleep by having a good sleep routine (I have to discipline myself to do it because sometimes it’s hard) and to channel his energy into sports - a good workout every day for him (swimming, running, tennis whatever I can find) - and he is a happier child. I have found a walk in a nature reserve also helps - if that is something available to you.

Sharing as it was a real learning curve for me, trust that your kid is a great kid who just needs something a little different to help him shine. And try different things - it might not be sports but a theatre group, singing etc You are in a tough spot right now, but honestly things can get better I promise!

Poppingby · 04/06/2026 09:30

greenanddamp · 04/06/2026 08:53

What tends to happen is there are a lot of ‘small’ events then a big event and then I find out about the small events when I am pulled in over the big events. We’ve had three ‘big’ ones. I can do what I can do at home but in the meantime my child is transforming in front of me and I’m allowed to be worried about that.

Given you've had 3 big events in your shoes I would be asking school for a daily update at pickup so that you can respond to any behaviour you don't like then.

I'm not sure who you're 'I'm allowed to worry about that' was aimed at, but yes of course you are. You do need to remember he is only 5 and that the world is a distracting place though. I'm sure all the boys involved are lovely, distractible 5 yr old boys and good people who are young and learning. If you can get him to focus on his own behaviour by making clear what he's supposed to do (or not do), having a check in with the teacher every day that he is present for, and then having a debrief of whatever kind suits you, you'll be setting him up to manage his compulsions better as he gets older whoever he's in a class with.

That said, it's a good time to think about moving if you're going to do it and if you keep it low drama and decisive it probably won't hurt.

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 04/06/2026 10:18

@greenanddampWe sent dc to a totally different secondary! Honestly they do sometimes need a change. If they are only attaching to the wrong DCs, they need a change! DD wasn’t like this but didn’t have any deep friendships worth preserving. Her new school trumped all of that. So you don’t know what he might need at 11. Your school sounds poor to me. Supply teachers and staff changes is a big problem and they clearly have poor home/school communication. The issue you have is now, not at age 11.

Pearlstillsinging · 04/06/2026 10:44

Educationalists know that the worst thing for low level disruptive children is a big enough school that they can be split up from their friends every year, in the hope that their behaviour will improve.

Actually a mixed R/Y1 is quite good for the children, as half the class will change at the end of the year and the younger children become the older ones who have the opportunity to develop some responsibility for helping others.

I'm sure DS is having a lovely time with his friends in the playground, even if they are all getting into trouble. The consequences need to happen in the moment imho but actually a reward chart with a sticker for every successful playtime (provided by school) and a reward at the end of the day (provided by you) will demonstrate that you and the school are working together and may be more effective than consequences.

Rather than jumping straight into looking for a new school, my advice (retired Primary DH/T) is to talk to the teacher about ways you can work together to help DS to make good choices.
It sounds as if he needs more support in the playground than most other children but it doesn't sound as if there are concerns about his behaviour or work in the classroom. Remember children change as they grow up.

greenanddamp · 04/06/2026 11:12

Thank you @Pearlstillsinging . I did speak to the headteacher this morning and am somewhat reassured though I am still concerned. I’m really keen to resolve things. Just very anxious that I can’t keep ds away from friendships and I know myself how difficult it is to calm him down once he starts being silly.

I do really appreciate your warm and kind words.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 04/06/2026 11:58

OP you say you are worried about him in general. Is this worries relating to development/ND? (One of my DC really struggled starting primary).

I would expect that moving schools won't fix the problem. It will likely just reoccur in the next setting unless there is something specific about this school which is causing a problem. It's extremely unlikely that the other boys he has palled up with are uniquely terrible - there will be children like them in every school in the country. Mixed age is probably a red herring - this means the school is fairly small, which is usually a positive when children need a bit more attention/input from adults. In fact less than 60 children in the whole school sounds like a huge positive. I'm guessing you have substantially less than 30 in a class?

It also sounds like they have a TA in the class which is positive because they are in short supply generally. The teachers addressing the behaviour of the few disruptive children in an ineffective way might be contributing, but there's no guarantee that this would be better at a different school. The only slight possibility is that a larger school might have had more experience dealing with disruptive behaviour and might have more practised/tried and tested proactive supports to pull out of a bag and try. For this reason, when you're looking at other schools I would actually be really upfront and explain the difficulties he is having in his smaller school, and see what they say about managing patterns of disruptive behaviour.

I understand the worry about the pattern where a child is struggling and the response is punitive and this leads to more disruption and more punishment which ultimately turns the child off to school/learning/authority in general, but (aside from the above scenario) switching schools is unlikely to stop this in its tracks. In fact, I think it could make things worse because essentially when you move schools there will be a period where they will say "Let's wait and see, he is probably settling in" and nothing will be done, meanwhile if he does have a skill defecit (e.g. communication, impulse control or emotional regulation) relative to his peers, the gap will be getting larger and he's not getting practice at the helpful skill you want him to develop. Most of the time, it's better to stick with the current setting and try to work with them to find the right approach for him. But also, do try to stay grounded in the present. Jumping ahead to an outcome which might not happen anyway is unlikely to help you address things effectively in this moment, because it's putting you into a fear mindset which means your way of responding is more likely to be emotional and reactive, rather than practical and proactive. I used to have CBT and my therapist would tell me "No fortune-telling!" which I try to remind myself any time I start doing this. You have a lot of various worries relating to Y6 and the transition to secondary school, but this is 6-7 years away - that's more than his entire life so far. Look at what is right and supportive for him now, that is a higher priority than perfectly lining up something where everything might have changed by then anyway. The best thing you can do to support him throughout school is to support with the challenges he's having now, that will give him the best foundation to deal with whatever the future holds.

If you're considering looking at private schools for secondary, then it's possible you have money to invest into supporting him. It might be worth looking at private OT (occupational therapy) and whether they can do an assessment and look at whether there are specific supports which would help him both in and outside of school, especially if it's possible for them to come into school and observe (I admit I have absolutely no idea whether this is a possibility.)

With the consequences discussion - you're right, don't punish him for something that happened weeks ago, but do talk to him about it, in a curious way. Ideally you want to get communication with the school to improve so that you're getting feedback much more regularly and it's more concrete. You hearing just a random stream of consciousness from the teacher about "He's done this, and that, and this, and that" and this is just negative all around, it's not constructive, it will make you feel that the teacher dislikes your child. Have the school actually asked you to do anything specific? Does your school have a SENCO and do you have a copy of their behaviour policy? It would likely be helpful to understand what the chain of escalation is, it sounds from your posts like "smaller" events are dealt with in class via loss of points/playtime but only the bigger events are relayed back to you, and at this point they are informing you that there is a general pattern of lower-level behaviour which is not getting reported at the time.

Consequences can work but they can also backfire massively if they are meaningless and arbitrary. If I thought ‘no pudding’ or ‘no TV’ would work, that would be great but they’ve had similar consequences at school (loss of playtime, loss of dojos, loss of privileges) and the behaviour continues. That’s because it is rooted in the dynamics of the social structure in the class. It would be nice to think ds would make sensible choices because he wants his ice cream, but it’s a bit more complex than that.

For sure. But the reason that people are asking you to try some simple consequences (and BTW it is a myth that arbitrary consequences are less effective, although it's true that distance from behaviour makes consequences less effective) is because children of this age generally find social approval/disapproval a strong motivator - in fact, this is possibly even driving some of the behaviour, because it's likely that he is seeking social approval from the boys he is showing off with and copying. It would be helpful, as a general measure, to show DS that you are displeased when his teacher has told you that he has been misbehaving in class as a general pattern, and many parents express this using some kind of unconnected loss of privilege which is why those examples are being given. Doing this a few times in the context of a relationship which is generally positive, supportive and accepting is not likely to cause damage to your relationship, and you never know, it might work. If it does work, then brilliant - problem solved, everything great. Surprising, but sometimes parenting is. (I have 3 DC. I have had to eat my words on all kinds of things I was absolutely 100% convinced of.) Where I would draw a line is that if it is not working, after a few times so you've given him a chance to test out this new response from you if it is new (even if this kind of thing does work, it is very unlikely to work after the very first time when it's not an established pattern) don't keep piling on punishments or disapproval, because that is where this kind of thing becomes counterproductive. Keeping it token, temporary, and where there is always another chance to try again and having that be the end of it is key in terms of it not becoming destructive IME, and research shows (counterintuitively) that a minor/token consequence is just as effective as a stronger/harsher/longer one, which is mainly because consequences themselves only have a very limited effect. You have to support the skill which is lagging or the positive, replacement behaviour to really have a lasting and concrete effect.

Have the school asked you to do anything specific? The other reason to try out giving some minor consequences even if you think it won't help is because it gives you something to come back to the school and say that you have tried, especially if it is not effective. Combined with the pattern of the sanctions in class not being effective to curb or reduce the behaviour, I would say that this probably warrants a meeting with more than just the class teacher, depending on school policy and which staff are available, it might be right to include the head, the SENCO if there is one, the TA who has experienced some of the behaviour etc. Anyone who works with children is familiar with the phrase "behaviour is communication" whether they believe in it or not. And without bringing up fortune telling about year 6, you can express concern that his behaviour is becoming a pattern which you do not want to become habitual, due to the effect on both your own son but also the rest of the class, and that he's experiencing repeated consequences which are not curbing the behaviour and your concern is that this could create a negative cycle now, and if consequences are not helping with the behaviour then he might need more support in a different way. Going into year 1, behaviour and academic expectations tend to increase, so I would definitely frame it as wanting to set him up for success for the next school year. See if the school have any suggestions, ideas or plans they can put in place to support his behaviour proactively, before he is in a position where they have to try and react to the behaviour.

You say that you don't experience behaviour problems at home, but you also say it is difficult to calm DS down when he gets into a "silly" loop, and it's probably (IME) this kind of state which is happening at school. It might be helpful if you can keep a sort of diary at home and try to notice if there is any kind of pattern leading up to the silly moods. For example, some children go into this mood when they are hungry, need the toilet or need to move (if movement is a need, curtailing playtime could be counterproductive). Some go into it in response to difficulty with the lesson, or difficulty with some aspect required by school work e.g. sustained attention to a non-preferred task, or following multi-step instructions. Some go into it in response to sensory overload or might be more prone to it when they are tired or feeling anxious because they don't know what is happening next. It is often a mixture of more than one difficulty. There are various things school might be able to offer as supports if between you you can notice any patterns.

Since you cannot avoid other children at school behaving poorly and you don't know what the root of their behaviour is - it could be something they are witnessing at home or anything really - do not focus on other children as the cause of the behaviour. Whether or not school think this, they will not be able to communicate much to you about other children. And I think the majority of 5 year olds would not be mature enough to ignore and walk away if they are being provoked. IME, the disruptive children tend to be drawn to each other because they lack skills in how to communicate and socialise effectively with the majority of the children, or because they tend to lack emotional regulation and impulse control so can be a bit "too much" for other children, but the other children with similar difficulties tend to accept this. The friendships can be fairly volatile with a lot of fighting and making up, and they can also have a lot of fun together. One conversation which really helped my eldest (who was not the one who struggled most) was about "classroom friends" who help you do good work and be sensible and calm, and "playground friends" who are great fun to run around with and let off steam but who distract each other.

One thing you might want to do is to try to strengthen other friendships outside of these more boisterous friends. Whether they are other children at school or children outside the school setting. This is a good approach (and would be useful for children without ADHD as well) - click on the download PDF link to read the article: https://chadd.org/attention-article/how-you-can-be-a-friendship-coach-for-your-child-with-adhd/

How You Can Be a Friendship Coach for Your Child with ADHD - CHADD

https://chadd.org/attention-article/how-you-can-be-a-friendship-coach-for-your-child-with-adhd/

greenanddamp · 04/06/2026 13:31

Thanks @BertieBotts .

I don’t think he has adhd although equally I wouldn’t be shocked if someone suggested it, but he doesn’t seem vastly different to most other boys his age. However, the two he’s teamed up with do - and also are possibly ‘older’ in their tastes than ds is and he definitely looks up to them.

I’ve invited some calmer children around for play dates which has gone well but in school he gravitates back to these boys; not in the classroom but in social times. And that’s when he invariably ends up in trouble.

I am reassured by the conversation I had with the headteacher this morning. The behaviour wasn’t as bad as I’d thought yesterday; still unacceptable but not that bad. So that’s good.

He definitely isn’t perfect at home! It was more that the instance at school was (I thought) an act of aggression and it wasn’t as it turns out.

I am not wholly decided. The main worry I have is that he’s going to be labelled the problem child and this could affect other friendships which pushes him back to these other children … it’s difficult. It isn’t that he’s good and they are bad, it’s just that they’ve all managed to bring out one another’s worst qualities.

OP posts:
Newgirls · 04/06/2026 13:43

I don’t think avoiding the ‘characters’ is the issue here. They exist in every school, and sounds like he is one of them!

I don’t think you can over do exercise at this age. Lots of our leading sports people had incredible energy at this age and it’s a super power really. You’ve just got to give him better outlets for it until his social skills grow up - which they will

Newgirls · 04/06/2026 13:44

In our school the kids run a mile before classroom time every day. Apparently it transformed behaviour.

Phineyj · 04/06/2026 13:45

greenanddamp · 04/06/2026 07:31

@Phineyj schools are struggling to fill places here so I’m not worried there isn’t space for him. I have arranged to look at one school already and I’ll contact some more today.

My main concerns are that it may be the same thing happens again (I am worried about him generally really) and also that there is a different feeder secondary to the other, larger schools.

I just wish we could stretch to private for him but it’s too much of a stretch for two of them.

Well that's good. Gives you options.

greenanddamp · 04/06/2026 13:53

He does get an awful lot of exercise and while I understand why people suggest it, I am not convinced it is the answer. Ds has always been one of those children who can seemingly go on forever but actually he can’t; it doesn’t show itself in normal ways children might show they are over tired and over stimulated but he is.

I don’t deny he is a character but I guess the difference is the others are whether ds is there or not; he isn’t when they aren’t there.

OP posts:
TheotherMrsSmith · 04/06/2026 14:04

We didn't have the best reception year, but were fortunate that our school is two form entry and at the end of reception, they always mix the classes to ensure they're evenly balanced. We were aware that there were issues and asked for separation, which happened. Y3 now and our DC has found a lovely group of friends and very happy. I think I'd be inclined to move to a bigger school where there are more options.

tarheelbaby · 04/06/2026 14:19

I think you should plan to stick it out at the current school. As others say, 'silly' pupils find each other everywhere and a bigger school just means more 'silly' pupils. (e.g. 1/10 is silly so 3-ish per class x 3 forms = 9 or more sillies at playtime together)

In a one-form intake school, staff should be better able to monitor behaviour and be more proactive; they sound lax. Also, I suggest that you are more proactive. If you are picking up each afternoon, speak to his teacher/class TA each time or ask them to send you a few lines each day about his behaviour so that you are up to date - don't wait for a 'big thing'. This should also let them know that you are expecting them to take a more active role in managing pupil behaviour better.
Let them know that you want a few comments each day and let your DS know that you will be doing it.
@TeenToTwenties had a great action plan for you to take to DS's teachers/TAs.
Since you'll be having an update every day, you can discuss DS's behaviour with him promptly: praising if warranted but also taking a firm line if necessary. @Myotherusernameisshy has some great examples of this. More times than you'd expect, kids really do need it all spelled out in short words.

As a teacher, I can tell you that parental opinion is incredibly powerful and your comments and actions will directly shape DS's behaviour. Let him know if you are disappointed. Let him know that you support the teacher and the school. This is where those little consequences at home can make a difference by reinforcing your opinion. Also, as a parent, you must not shy away from consequences. Little ones now will save you a lot of trouble later on. Parents who don't enforce consequences eventually end up with fully off the rails kids. It's important to have a good rapport with your DS but realistically, you are his boss, his manager, and sometimes you'll have to make the hard calls.

greenanddamp · 04/06/2026 14:22

@tarheelbaby we don’t see the teacher. The children are brought out onto one side of the playground and we stand on the other and are released one at a time. I do think I’d be making a nuisance of myself if I insisted on a rundown of his behaviour every day to be honest.

I have tried to be proactive and have instigated meetings, have really tried to… it’s been tough.

Yes, I do let ds know I am disappointed and upset (not that I’ve had to act) but that is different to a consequence. I am yet to see a consequence given that would actually stop him in his tracks but maybe I’m missing those posts.

OP posts:
greenanddamp · 04/06/2026 14:23

I mean actually, what do people think I said when I was told about his behaviour. Laughed or something? Obviously I’m disappointed, worried, upset, blaming myself. Of course I am. None of that’s going to help anyone though.

OP posts:
tarheelbaby · 04/06/2026 14:31

greenanddamp · 04/06/2026 14:22

@tarheelbaby we don’t see the teacher. The children are brought out onto one side of the playground and we stand on the other and are released one at a time. I do think I’d be making a nuisance of myself if I insisted on a rundown of his behaviour every day to be honest.

I have tried to be proactive and have instigated meetings, have really tried to… it’s been tough.

Yes, I do let ds know I am disappointed and upset (not that I’ve had to act) but that is different to a consequence. I am yet to see a consequence given that would actually stop him in his tracks but maybe I’m missing those posts.

With all kindness, if you want to address this, you will have to be persistent. Remember: doesn't ask, doesn't get. Don't worry about 'being a nuisance'. DS is your priority and should be theirs too. They should welcome supportive parents. Giving a run down on his behaviour every day is actually part of their job.

No one thinks you are laughing at bad behaviour but it sounds like the school is not taking it very seriously which is making the situation harder for you, DS and the school itself. Some extra effort and 'nuisance' now will make things easier in the long run.

greenanddamp · 04/06/2026 14:36

@tarheelbaby indeed but I can’t go marching around the school in pursuit of teachers which I’m sure you understand if you are a teacher.

We have had three things I’ve been called in for.

  1. He and another child were throwing toys from the playground onto the pavement and told to stop. They did not and were rightly taken inside for time out.
  2. He had an altercation with another child and scratched his face badly. That is the most serious I would say.
  3. Yesterday’s incident, which I thought involved hurting insects but transpires it wasn’t. However, the boys weren’t putting the snail down when told.

I do think he’s got into trouble over ‘small’ things but hard to know. This is partly where I wonder if a school where the communication is a bit better might be a positive move as I have to admit I’ve never felt it’s a massively approachable school. I also have a younger child in tow and the reception teacher was pretty sharp with her yesterday as well. Probably just thinks I’m a bit crap!

OP posts:
MeetMeOnTheCorner · 04/06/2026 14:38

@Pearlstillsinging I have seen numerous sweet little village schools have a lot of issues with behaviour of dc. Parents with no enforced home rules flock to them because they think they are nurturing and will suit dc. They think a calm and friendly ethos means hard to control dc simply won’t find other dc like them and, if it’s CofE so much the better! They just “know” all the other dc will be lovely and their good behaviour will rub off on their dc. Unfortunately, these schools, especially if poorly run, get overwhelmed with sen and behaviour issues. They never have enough money or enough staff to move around to help in the hot spots. Expertise is often lacking too. Bigger schools have so much more flexibility.

Many small schools like this end up “failing” Ofsted and many pupils, yet they cannot turn the dc away who make their plight worse because they always have spaces. Small schools can work well if they maintain close relationships with parents and have expertise, but when 1 in 4 dc can have issues of varying types, there’s not enough staff to have this bespoke service.

WonderWeeksArentReal · 04/06/2026 14:41

If he's getting on ok academically i'd give it another year in the hope he grows up a bit. He can find silly friends anywhere if he looks hard enough.

Both my DC (boys) had a rocky Reception year but knuckled down in y1.

greenanddamp · 04/06/2026 14:43

Really hoping that happens for us Sad honestly am so upset and worried about it all.

OP posts:
MeetMeOnTheCorner · 04/06/2026 14:48

@greenanddampId honestly ask for the strategy the school is going to employ to keep them separated. Playground supervisors need to be advised and have a play strategy for them. They need splitting up.

greenanddamp · 04/06/2026 14:57

They’ve put a few things in place but I guess this is where the size of the school, both in a physical sense and the number of children, is relevant. They just can’t completely split them with the best will in the world. That’s why I was wondering if we did have to think about alternatives. We do have to make a decision in the next few months as I have a younger child who starts inn2027.

OP posts: