Would moving school help after a difficult start in reception?

[greenanddamp]

I feel like ds(5) hasn’t made a hugely positive start to reception. I’ve been called in today over poor behaviour but I know they only bring parents in if it’s bad - that is to say I think there’s a lot of low level stuff going on.

I have really tried to address it with ds but it’s hard as I’m not there and I get these long rambling responses that make little sense. However, some behaviour is totally new and quite upsetting for me. It does seem to be that he’s palled up with a couple of other boys, can’t stay away from them (and likewise) and together it’s just a really awful combination.

It’s a one form entry and mixed reception / Y1.

I was really upset after school today as I’m just mortified at his behaviour and honestly am inclined to think a fresh start might be best. What does everyone think?

Depends what has he done? Being silly and messing around it one thing but physically assaulting and bullying other children is another

There’s been one physical altercation (with one of the boys he’s teamed up with.) Also things like stamping in mud so it goes into other children’s faces and ignoring the teacher / TA who told him not to. I’m honestly worried he’s going to lose friends and end up ostracised with the boys he’s teamed up with which of course will perpetuate an already difficult situation

My now pre-teen had a terrible year R, and actually we later found out he is neurodivergent. He had a fantastic year 1 though. It depends on teacher, and I wouldn’t really accept much on the behaviour front from them. It’s happening on their watch. I’d try and add context if you know why he might respond in certain ways. But i wouldn’t let a 5 year old shoulder the blame for what is almost certainly them not meeting his needs.

Thanks. The hard thing is that I don’t think it’s anybody’s ’fault.’ I can see the school are really limited in how much they can keep the boys away from one another: it’s a one form entry, small school, fewer than sixty children in the whole school.

Then DS isn’t blameless, he’s done some pretty bad things and he knows better and I am upset, but I do get his impulse control isn’t great at this age.

But I just worry it could be a case of a disruptive YR child becoming a disillusioned Y6 one, maybe I’m jumping the gun a bit.

@greenanddamp Who would he find at another school? Naught dc find each other. However you tend to find bigger schools can split up dc because they have more options within the classes. Where he is now, there are no options for changing classes and splitting up the group. On balance I would move. Plus these dc really are not all ND. They just get attracted to like minded dc and in a tiny school this behaviour stands out and you are right, other dc will swerve him and why wouldn’t they? So I’d try a bigger school that’s better set up to divide and rule.

I have to admit it’s where I’m leaning. It’s so upsetting. I’m mortified at his behaviour and so embarrassed.

Is he unhappy ? If not I would just work with the school to improve things - he’s only little , he’s got plenty of time to learn .

Thanks @fruitypancake .

I don’t think he is unhappy but he’s picking up an awful lot of behaviour that’s upsetting. Ideally I know he’d have the maturity to step back and step away but he just doesn’t.

@greenanddamp Working with the school is just about dc though. There’s other dc involved and how can a tiny school separate them? Theres no other class.

No absolutely.

OTOH we could well run into similar problems elsewhere. I just really wish I knew what the best way forwards was. So worried and upset about it.

There's probably no way of ever knowing the right choice.

Hard as it is, ignore your feelings of embarrassment and focus on your boy and his needs.

What consequences does he have at home for the behaviour?

Are school buddying him with other children as much as possible?

What are the practicalities of a new school, more travel time, breakfast/after school club, etc. Those are all worth considering too.

The practicalities can be worked around easily enough.

I don’t think there are consequences that would work. He’s impulsive and is getting into bother for this reason, not because he might lose TV time or whatever … it really is a source of much worry to me at the moment.

You don’t think consequences will work… or you know they won’t because you’ve tried them?

Is there a bigger school nearby that would have a place for him? If so it might be worth going with your son to look around and take it from there. You don't have to make a final decision now but move might be a good idea

We moved after one term in reception - also a child that ultimately diagnosed with neurodivergence and a school that wasn’t able to meet needs. In our case dc was absolutely miserable and lots of behaviour that was a manifestation of that. New school (admittedly private) was a complete change of scene and behaviour - it makes a real difference when you have staff that have the skill set and the bandwidth to meet all of the children's’ needs

This is unhappy child behaviour. Find a school with a full reception class, the mixed year group wont be helping him to settle.

I am interested in what consequences you would use for such matters. Giving a ‘consequence’ several hours after the event (when he has already, rightly, been sanctioned at school) doesn’t seem very effective to me but if you have any suggestions that you think would change the behaviour and don’t just pay lip service I’d be glad to receive them.

@Tryagain26 there are a few options. The main downside is that most feed into a different secondary than ideally I’d like him to go to. But we may well look at private schools for secondary anyway.

You can't say consequences wouldn't work if you haven't tried. Imo home and school are a partnership. If my child dicks around at school, the first time we have a conversation. The second time they lose a privilege for a set amount of time. There's been a third time for one of mine, where they lost another privilege. Impulsive or not behaviour, having a proper consequence at home might help him think twice. How do you know it is all impulsive behaviour? From your descriptions I think you're minimising his behaviour. I'd go nuclear and see if anything changes before moving schools.

If someone can give me an example of an effective consequence that will help change his behaviour the following day I am all ears. If not, and it’s just ‘consequences’ without any actual explanation of what that looks like I am not really wanting to engage to be honest.

Mine dislikes losing pudding or their limited TV time. Really dislikes it. A new school might work but you could try simple consequences first?

Things mine cared about :
-losing screen time
-missing activities
-not getting a sticker

We had stickers at home for good behaviour. Seeing his brother get one and not him for school behaviour was enough for my eldest. Stickers got small rewards after a certain amount.

@BiteSizeByzantine It’s nothing to do with being unhappy! He sees it’s fun with the other boys. They are actually carefree and, as they see it, having fun. They are not mature enough to understand that it’s unkind or very annoying.

So I’m a bit anti the “consequences” mantra at home. It’s after the event and not immediately linked so I’d probably ask the school for tips on improving his choices. If he feels no remorse at school, he certainly won’t at home. I’d praise the positive with rewards - a good week, he gets something he would like. Stickers can work but some dc don’t get motivated by them. The trick is finding out whether he cares about the feelings of others or not. If he has empathy, he will improve but some dc see having fun as meaning more to them.

The last thing I want here is to sound awful, but ‘you did something really awful at school, so bad I’ve had to come in to speak to the teacher so no pudding’ actually kind of minimises things.

Consequences can work but they can also backfire massively if they are meaningless and arbitrary. If I thought ‘no pudding’ or ‘no TV’ would work, that would be great but they’ve had similar consequences at school (loss of playtime, loss of dojos, loss of privileges) and the behaviour continues. That’s because it is rooted in the dynamics of the social structure in the class. It would be nice to think ds would make sensible choices because he wants his ice cream, but it’s a bit more complex than that.

But if you haven't tried, how do you know? I'd try home consequences before moving schools.

I think you're minimising by blaming the social situation. What are you doing at home to support school? There's a lot of you saying how mortified you are, followed by "oh I won't do consequences, that won't work". Perhaps he gives no shits for dojos, so find something he does give a shit about.