Draconian punishments year 1

[Mama2Tas]

Monday last week my daughter aged 5 "didnt have her listening ears on" so she was sent to stand in the coridoor (alone) but the deputy head happened to be there (doing her own work) when my daughter got there from being sent out of the hall where she was having PE. The main head then happened to walk passed and told my daughter off having identifed that she was in some sort of trouble hence standing in the coridoor. Quite understandable in my opinion you're being disruptive and not listening and thats not good behaviour, (except for the fact that it seems if the deputy head wasnt there then she would have been standing in the coridoor alone which doesnt seem safe at the age of 5 but I do understand that there was some sort of consequence to be had).

She was later taken to the classroom with all the other children where they got there coats and then went for playtime except my daughter who was made to stand against the wall for the entire playtime 15 minutes. She was after that at pick up made to stand and tell me everything that happened and she was looking down and embarrassed for sure.

I asked for a meeting the next day and the school teacher initially failed to tell the head the second part of the punishment she arranged for my daughter so the head had to go away again and ask her. She denied it was the entire play and states "it was only 5 minutes" which I did say I didnt think was necessary but wasnt able to call her a liar even though I had doubts because of her secrecy about it in the first place plus the fact she said to my daughter on pick up "if you do good listening then you dont have to get frustrated that you miss your play".

In between all this time i discovered another child was involved and spoke to his mum. She confirmed that whilst she had been called by the teacher to say he "didn't do good listening" she wasnt told about the wall punishment at all and she was equally upset. She asked her son (tactfully to describe what happened and he corroborates my daughters version of events plus another child who has been asked very casually by her mum to guage her response (so as not to sway her reply) confirmed it was the entire play and she wasnt allowed to play even for 1 minute.

This has raised two problems for me a) an issue of disproportionate disciplinary measures plus b) concerns that there are lies being told and cover ups from others etc.

Additionally out of nowhere Monday she wet herself at home in the kitchen and Tuesday, (which was the last day I let her attend) wet herself at school and was sent home in spare clothes. We haven't had such instances of weeing like this for ages and the last time she randomly started weeing was due to our house move so I conclude it was triggered by stress related to this incident.

When I had a meeting (ive had 2 so far the first was when the head hadn't been informed about the extended punishment and the second was after she spoke to the teacher who made her aware about the second part of the punishment and id also had new information from the witness confirming what she said about the 5 minutes not being true) the head teacher replied to me saying "I have a witness who corroborates my daughters story" by saying "I have several members of staff who corroborate my teachers version of events" which I interpret as her saying its your word against ours whilst also suggesting that 5 minutes against the wall was ok when I dont think the punishment should have been extended to the playground at all. I thought at that age it wasnt about punishing but guiding and positive reinforcements etc? Absolutely zero acknowledgement of it being wrong has taken place. They have asked me to attend a meeting Friday but even the last email states "all our staff have regular safeguarding updates" which I feel is still upholding the fact that they are all fully trained and free from error in this instance.

Ive pulled her out of this school but there is a waiting time for new placement and im panicking that taking her out is going to disrupt her further. Im genuinely feeling quite lost and upset. Am I doing the right thing? Please dont be horrible I feel extremely anxious as it is

So is this recent episode the first instance of ‘misbehaving’ in year 1? Or has her behaviour been steadily declining?
You say she struggles to regulate at home sometimes. What does that look like?

Thank you for your message. Honestly I have considered what you're saying. The issue is I dont trust them anymore because of the way the head handled one of our meetings. Someone has lied and i refuse to believe its x3 children all asked very tactfully by their parents in their own homes in a non leading manner. That leaves only the head or the teacher as the culprits of the lie. Mistakes i can forgive but once a liar always a liar. So I cant justify sending my just turned 5 year old into their care. I agree with you that this is a catastrophic result and I have explained to her that the reason for the removal is because "the teachers punishment was extreme and she should have given a consequence that helped you to learn". Weve had the talks about why its important to do good listening too. But as ive said if she has ADHD and/or ASD the behaviour is likely to continue in some form or the other. Then what? The punishments get more extreme and they just dont tell me about them knowing im educated and responsive to extreme punishments and my daugnter starts to accept that its ok to be treated in such manner because im allowing it to haopen by continuing to send her so never feels to tell me what's happening. Humiliation has hugely damaging effects on a child's self esteem and development. I researched (by calls and meets and policy reviews) some other local schools process management for low level disruptive behaviour and discovered they have set positive methods and even special classrooms with positive encouraging names for sending children too in best efforts of dealing with such behaviour so feel as hard and disruptive as the decision is now long term its going to pay off. Im really not that mum who hasnt thought things through and im also not against consequences at all. But age appropriate is key.

OP, I think you’re doing absolutely the right thing in taking your child out of the school. I did an early change of school for my son in similar circumstances. I would also complain to the governors of the school you are leaving and if the response isn’t satisfactory consider Ofsted. Sorry if I’ve missed it if you’ve already done that.

She struggles to sit still and focus she is constantly on the move things getting broken because shes excessively curious and wants to check the mechanics of everything by taking it to pieces and i dont mean the odd toy i mean the majority of her toys are broken very quickly after she gets them. Everyday she wakes the first thing she asks and even before getting out the bed is "what are we doing today" - full of energy junps out the bed and remains active all day long. Never ever sits to rest. Moves around even when watching the TV. What ive recently identified is that even though she seems not to be paying attention she is actually listening because I did a few tests on what she had learned when allowing her to stay on the go as I taught her some phonics (now that shes currently on home school until a place becomes available in a school) and she was spot on. What I feel could have prevented this is if I was responded to when I flagged it in reception. They would have then known that we have a situation whereby it could be a disability thats causing her inattention. I recapped her report and it says "struggles to wait her turn" - but this wasn't raised as a behavioural issue so not sure to what extent and I recall at a sit down at school early on her then teacher said she thinks shes "just excited" and found her to be sweet with it. So the signs were there and I have no idea why I wasnt taken seriously. I mean 4 communications and not a single reply to a mum trying to raise concerns about a possible disability, its not right i remember the last email even said something along the lines of "ill try one last time to contact you im only doing so because I spoke to the doctors and they advised me to flag it with the school as first port of call". Because I felt embarrassed that I was persisting in this behavioural concern when they were seemingly not seeing it and/or not interested. Even at the meeting after the incident i suggested a behavioural log and the SENCO and Head both said "OH NO WERE NOT AT THAT STAGE YET AT ALL" - they didn't shout but i mean they were rapidly responsive and both together in agreement that it wasnt necessary at this stage.

What that teacher did that day was quite extreme and not constructive at all in the meeting I was told that the very next day after the incident she was in the afternoon not doing good listening again so proof that the management of the situation was ineffective and I cant subject her to daily humiliation because she cant control herself which it looks like thats how it would have ended up. The sudden onset of weeing herself was the indicator to me that she was stressed. The day of the incident and the day at school and not again since I removed her from the school so it lines with her attendance there and the incidents there. I said in the meeting "if this was the other way around and she came into school telling you I had made her stand against the wall for 15 minutes and you noticed she started wetting herself you'd refer me to social care" the answer from the head and deputy was "no we wouldnt but we would invite you in for a meeting" which is what I have done and then made a decision off the back of that which I think is appropriate based on the meeting outcomes and the situation in its entirety. Happy to answer anything else this whole incident has totally thrown me id much prefer that it didnt happen at all but life gives you lemons sometimes

I totally understand your frustration. The school should have taken your concerns seriously. Could you look into getting a private ADHD consultation?
I worked in an infant school for years and I know that the school SENCO/head etc have to jump through so many hoops to even get the ball rolling, so I wonder if they didn’t see your daughter’s behaviour at school as severe enough? That doesn’t help you or your daughter but I’m just saying I’ve seen the other side.
We had children whose behaviour was incredibly disruptive and yet when the children were observed by an outside agency, we were told that they weren’t severe enough. So if your child was just displaying low level disruption, that might be why they didn’t pursue it. Like I said though, that doesn’t help you or your daughter and they should have at least replied to you and explained that!

Thanks for your suggestion, I had recently hired a behavioural coach and she explained she felt she saw signs of ADHD she also identified measures I could take to improve my parenting abilities following a "fly on the wall" observation session where she just observed us and I did my best to just be as normal as possible so she could get a true account of the situation. So I was just at that stage of taking matters into my own hands when this all happened and now im sidetracked buying resources for home learning and trying to familiarise myself with the curriculum to try and keep her on track with her learning. We'll straighten it all out in the end. I feel I just need the right approach from the right school to go alongside my efforts etc and I cant see that id get that from said school who have been very keen to justify all thats happened. Thanks for taking your time to contact me i appreciate it.