PGL - I don't want them to have my money

[Lydo22]

I received an email from school a few weeks ago gauging opinions on transport for a 1 night PGL residential next year for when my son is in Year 4. I didn't realise residentials were even a thing for Year 4 so I was shocked but I was also shocked because of my own personal experience.
I'm prepared to refuse permission for my son to go, mostly on the basis that I don't want that company to have a penny of my cash.
I've asked him if he wants to go and he said he wants to but he is scared as he's never been away on his own.
But the main problem with this situation is me. It is no exaggeration to say it took me many years to get over the trip I went on in Year 6 in 1997. I was ill as soon as I got there, thinking back it was probably the start of PMS symptoms (that age isn't great for girls). I was incredibly homesick and spent 3 days crying. The school phoned my parents and told them I was ill and when they offered to pick me up the school said no need. When I asked to go home, the teachers told me that my parents had said it was too far so my parents couldn't come. Mum and Dad are in their 70s now and are still really upset about this.
The experience and the feeling of being trapped like that caused me a lot of problems. I was constantly scared of doing anything new and it seriously knocked my confidence. I nearly didn't go away to University because it was all still fresh in mind 6 years later.
I'm a much more robust 38 year old now and my son has had to deal with some bad things in his 7 years that I didn't at his age.
However, my experience of this brand and the way my school (nearly 30 years ago!) arranged this trip has been so long lasting and ingrained that I am reticent to even consider giving them any of my money.

I understand how irrational this is because my son in not me and his school is not my school from the 90s. So he could go and be fine, but I'm really curious as to whether anyone else has gone through a similar thought process about these trips?

Sounds like it was the teachers and not the company that made the decision. Sorry it was so dreadful

How the teacher's handled your homesickness has nothing to do with the company.
How strange that you've harboured such hatred for them for so long

You need to let this go for your own sanity.

Are you often a victim OP? Or made to feel like one by your parents? The fact your parents are still upset this many years later speaks volumes. Your thinking, along with theirs, is harmful.

Let your son go on his trip.

You need more therapy.

Definitely. Nearly didn't go to Uni because you were still upset six years later?
The mind boggles.

Yes that wasn't PGLs fault. It was your teachers.

Nailed it.

As they all said, it was the teachers.

Also, one of the most persistent character traits is being either slow- or fast-approach. (Often this trait is muddled with extroversion-introversion.) Basically from pretty much birth to pretty much death, some people are slow approach. They don't like transitions, don't like change and novelty, and they need time to do these things. You sound right at one end of this spectrum. I think that this trip probably cemented your trait, but I think you always would have found going to university hard.

The question you have to ask yourself, as a parent, is what traits does your child have? Is he fast-approach? Does he like novelty and adventure? Or is he more like you? If he's middling, or even fast-approach, the likelihood is that he would weather something like what you experienced very differently.

Don't parent yourself, parent your child.

Christ.

Thanks for your responses.

I've been curious as to whether my experience was normal or not. Obviously no Mumsnet back then so you couldn't really ask questions like this if you were curious.

Clearly from your responses this is definitely an isolated thing and not repeated with others across the country. By that I mean both my experience and my reaction.

I get it that it was the teachers and probably not the fault of the company - yet still all these years later the mention of the brand has sent me a bit irrational.

Generally I don't think I act like a victim, most people I know describe me as quite level headed. But who knows maybe if I had bothered with therapy I'd have found that out for sure a few years ago!

I have taken many groups to pgl over 23 yrs and the children have gotten a lot out of it. Curious to know what they (PGL, not your teachers) did to upset you. I've found them very patient with the children and not forced them into things they're not comfortable doing. They have given time to allow children to try stretch themselves but not made them feel bad if they didn't manage in the end.

I liked it enough to take my children on family adventures there, as their school didn't do things like that. I would however never send my kids on the solo children holiday camps.

I know this is the absolute opposite to not giving them money, but maybe you could go with your son on a family pgl weekend? Experiencing it as an adult, with the knowledge that you can get in your car and leave whenever you wanted might help you explore this and separate your scarring experience from your son's potential one.
It maybe sounds like you're not against him going on a residential altogether, that you trust the teachers, it's just it being too similar to your experience that has shaken you (is it to the same centre?). Being able to break it down, get clarification from teachers on what will happen in certain scenarios might help you decide too.

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience but that was down to your teachers.

For your DS you have plenty of time to get him used to nights away from home if you both want him to go.

You experienced something that felt traumatic to you (whether this would have been traumatic to others or why it was traumatic to you are separate conversations) and your brain has linked that event with PGL.This happens all the time with other difficult events and it's a common feature of trauma. I was in my favorite coffee shop when I got the call that my mother had been found dead back home on a different continent and the next time I tried to go back for my usual coffee I had a full blown panic attack. Did the coffee shop have any responsibility whatsoever for my mother's death? Of course not. And obviously there was no logical reason to think that going back would cause anything else bad to happen. But my brain still triggered a panic response because it had linked one thing to the other. It's similarly common for PTSD sufferers to react to sounds, smells, settings or people that were merely present at the time of their trauma for years or even decades. A lighter example many people have experienced is temporarily going off a food that was the last thing you ate before a stomach bug hit even though you know that it wasn't what made you sick. It doesn't matter that your logical mind knows that the food wasn't to blame, the idea of eating it again is unpleasant and if you force yourself to eat it you might even develop physical symptoms like nausea.

You can't simply flip a switch and turn off your negative reaction towards PGL, that's not how brains work. But you can acknowledge that the association your mind has formed isn't really based on logic and then decide that you aren't going to let that old lingering wound negatively affect your DS by making him miss out on the trip.

You are being irrational. Completely irrational. You had PMS in 1997, it's 2025, and nothing that happened was PGLs fault.

If it helps, my DC school does a pgl trip in year 4. Most children but not all go. Most that go really enjoy it and grow in confidence after. The school is very clear how they handle homesickness and when they will contact parents. I found that reassuring.

In my oldest DC's year , 1 (out of approximately 50) children was upset enough to come home but apparently that is rare. Most DC that have a wobble get through it with the help of their friends and teachers . The school prep the children pretty thoroughly on what it is like.

I can understand why you would be flooded with bad memories but I think you should do your best to see the opportunity through your DC 's eyes not your own.

I’ve been to PGL as a cubs leader, and in my experience at the centres today the PGL leaders don’t tend to get involved with pastoral care - they run activities and the teachers or leaders who come with the children look after the wobbles, tears and sickness.
so perhaps you could arrange a meeting with your child’s teacher (without your child present) and ask them how such issues are dealt with, what the trip will look like, explain you are nervous and you would like to understand more about it before committing to a decision. Whilst your emotional reaction is irrational, you can have a rational and reasonable conversation that may help ease your mind.

or if you decide it’s not something your child would enjoy you don’t have to let them go, that’s ok too (I mean I’d rather my child go, but every family is different and not going on this overpriced trip isn’t going to do any lasting damage)

Sorry but you are being ridiculous. It was the schools fault not PGL. I went there with school and had a great time, your son wants to go, don’t let your fear put him off/ scare him into not going.

My primary school also did a 1 night residential in year 4, it’s only 1 night, I’m sure he will be fine.

It’s only one night. If he wants to go and has a good group of friends he will be fine.

My daughter went on 2 overnight trips in primary school. I was scared to let her go - one was aboard! So it was frightening but I didn’t experience the level of anxiety you mention. It definitely sounds like an isolated experience. And it seemed that the school didn’t help you with coping mechanisms for homesickness.

My dd had to stay 4 nights for one trip and she admitted that she was home sick. They sent us pictures regularly and I could tell she was upset near the end. It was a lot for her. But overall she looks back at the experience positively.

I was the kid whose mum never let them go to anything! And that traumatised me as I could never join in on the whole class conversations about the trips years later.

I've worked at PGL. It is absolutely the schools that decide if a child goes home or not.

Don’t hold your DS back on the basis of a bad experience you had in 1997 that wasn’t even the fault of the company. It’s only a one night residential, you have time to prepare him for that.

Lots of schools do an overnight in year 4 so not sure what's so 'shocking' about it.

Sorry you had a bad experience but as others have said it was really nothing to do with PGL.

There is no way I would take an opportunity away from my child because of issues I had years ago

My child is their own person

PGL did nothing wrong. Your teachers made a judgement call. They also are not actually in control of whether you stay there - your parents had every right to get in the car and come and collect. And they didn't. And that's fine too, they probably just thought ot was a bit of homesickness.

Your son is away one single night. That's it. If he has a bad night, he knows after lunch the next day they'll be heading home.

Yabu to pass this onto him and Yabu to place any blame at PGLs door.

Well me child went recently. School rule was no contact with child. If the school think they need to call they will. (They don't call).
There was a storm whilst they were gone, and no parents were able to get through to pgl or the school.
Kids came back happy though.

OP I won't be sending my children on any residential trips, ever.

However if you do decide to send him then get an old phone and make sure he knows how to use it to turn it on and call you, put it in his bag. Explain that it's an emergency phone and he can only use it to call you to be collected.

There's absolutely 0 chance I'd send my child away with no way of contacting me on their own.