PGL - I don't want them to have my money

[Lydo22]

I received an email from school a few weeks ago gauging opinions on transport for a 1 night PGL residential next year for when my son is in Year 4. I didn't realise residentials were even a thing for Year 4 so I was shocked but I was also shocked because of my own personal experience.
I'm prepared to refuse permission for my son to go, mostly on the basis that I don't want that company to have a penny of my cash.
I've asked him if he wants to go and he said he wants to but he is scared as he's never been away on his own.
But the main problem with this situation is me. It is no exaggeration to say it took me many years to get over the trip I went on in Year 6 in 1997. I was ill as soon as I got there, thinking back it was probably the start of PMS symptoms (that age isn't great for girls). I was incredibly homesick and spent 3 days crying. The school phoned my parents and told them I was ill and when they offered to pick me up the school said no need. When I asked to go home, the teachers told me that my parents had said it was too far so my parents couldn't come. Mum and Dad are in their 70s now and are still really upset about this.
The experience and the feeling of being trapped like that caused me a lot of problems. I was constantly scared of doing anything new and it seriously knocked my confidence. I nearly didn't go away to University because it was all still fresh in mind 6 years later.
I'm a much more robust 38 year old now and my son has had to deal with some bad things in his 7 years that I didn't at his age.
However, my experience of this brand and the way my school (nearly 30 years ago!) arranged this trip has been so long lasting and ingrained that I am reticent to even consider giving them any of my money.

I understand how irrational this is because my son in not me and his school is not my school from the 90s. So he could go and be fine, but I'm really curious as to whether anyone else has gone through a similar thought process about these trips?

Ask your children's teachers what will happen of a child is severely homesick.

Our procedure for our Cubs..

• first we try distraction. Often another fun activity helps
• if obviously upset, we call parents (and pray they answer). Let the child talk to them.
• we decide the best course of action with the parent. Some do just need a chat.

We do try to avoid getting to the phone call stage... but that's because it seems to set off a chain reaction of them all needing their parents.

Surely the answer to this is simple - you encourage your son to go, explain how fun it will be and support him in a step towards independence, but make it clear to him and the school that you are willing to collect him if needs be. That will probably give him the confidence he needs to go. For the love of god don’t make him scared, he’ll miss out on so much

You’re being dramatic. Just because that happened to you doesn’t mean it will happen with your kid.

I hated PGL so much back in 1999 that I almost refused to go the next year (Y6), but got talked into it. I hated it so much that year that I point blank refused to go on a 4 night residential to France at the end of Y7 - I was the only child out of 90 who didn’t go. Still no regrets 20+ years later! Cannot think of anything worse, traipsing round the muddy obstacle courses and doing team building activities…

Anyway. OP, you should still let your child go and not pass on your trauma - he’ll no doubt have a different experience, things have changed over 25ys and it would be a shame to hold him back for no rational / good reason. If he wants to go, let him!

Poor kids. I loved all my school residential, they were a real highlight. Taking a hidden phone would cause chaos and would be very unfair on the staff who give up their time to take them.

PGL was ace.

Poor kids? That's laughable.

My kids will never go anywhere without the means to contact me. Too many fucking weirdos about.

Your experience has haunted you as you were not well, not comfortable, far away from home and your parents for a long period. This is one night. Be led by your son. Do they have another in year 5/6? If he's not ready yet he might be later.

My dc just had the one 4 night trip in year 5. They are entirely different people and dc 1 I always knew would want to go. I half expected dc2 to not want to go and be away from home and I wouldn't have pushed. Maybe as a pp said dc1 is fast approaching and dc2 allow approach. As it turns out dc2 went and enjoyed it. I think if you asked both in year 4 if they would be going in the year 5 trip dc1 would have said yes if course and dc2 would have said not sure yet.

This was almost 30 years ago and for you and your parents to still be this bothered by it is irrational. It also doesn't sound like it was the fault of PGL in any way. Whilst it was obviously traumatic at the time, you need to let it go. Don't let it stop your son going away with his peers.

If you were tosend your children to a Scout camp with a hidden phone you would get a phone call to pick them up as they would have broken a major safeguarding rule. There for all the children's safety.

As others have said it would have been a school decision. FWIW, I know a boy did get collected from one of my daughter's PGL residentials as he was homesick.

DD is 10 and has now done 3 residential, 2 with school and 1 with Brownies. Each time she's been a little nervous beforehand but has then had an amazing time and come home full of stories about all the fun things they did.

They get to experience an age appropriate level of independence, they are encouraged to help with sorting out meals and tidying up, to take on challenges they don't usually have access to.

Refusing to allow your child to have the same experience as all of his classmates because 30 years ago you felt unwell at your residential and the teachers made the decision it would be better for you to stay and see if you recovered enough to enjoy it, rather than send you home, seems irrational to me.

I had a great trip to PGL in 1999. The week later I started my period which was uncontrollably heavy and I still look back and shudder about how awful it would have been if it was the week earlier.

Please don’t pass on your anxiety to your child and stop them having experiences. You must recognise to have both you and your elderly parents still upset over something that happened nearly 30 years ago is extreme.

Children today are far more anxious than they have ever been, and here is one reason why. A parent telling you, that you cannot be away from them for a single night….and if they are, they need a secret phone, even if it’s an organised trip with known classmates and several school adults. They will interpret the world as being full of danger and threat.

OP, I’m sorry you had a bad experience. I teach upper primary and the residentials are the biggest highlight of the year for almost all pupils. So much so that I kill myself finding grants and fundraising to ensure all children get the opportunity to go, regardless of finances. They learn so much on an adventure away from home and it’s all they talk about for weeks and months once they return.

We do have pupils who experience homesickness (although my school has never taken away year 4s before) but they usually settle quickly with support of adults and friends and are then proud of themselves for having overcome the feeling. We keep children busy and distracted with lots of fun activities all day and ensure they are ready to sleep at bedtime. It’s a safe environment to learn to overcome uncomfortable feelings - they are with friends and known teachers.

I’ve never had a pupil be upset for more than about 15mins at bedtime (and even then that is quite rare - maybe one, one night, out of 30 children - we put in lots of prep work) so I have never, in ten years, contacted a parent to come and get them. If a child continued to be upset and miserable, then I would certainly make contact with home and see what adult and child wanted to do. I certainly wouldn’t lie to a child, but I might encourage them not to give up and see how they felt in the morning. I think you need to give your child the opportunity if it’s something that they are keen to do. Assume that they will be fine and try not to put any of your past anxieties on to them.

This.

I organise many camps as a Cubs Leader and the parents are very often the reason the Cubs don't camp as the parents have the apron strings far too bloody short. They often don't tell the Cubs the camp is happening and they're gutted when they find out about it afterwards from their friends, who have had a great time!

I'd put your relationship with PGL to one side and let your child decide if he wants to go.

My DC had their first overnight at the start of Y3. Another in Y4 and will do PGL for 4 days in Y5.

One parent doesn’t let her DC go; the DC is desperate to go, but the mum has anxiety.

I find they are amazing for building confidence and resilience in children, which many can lack these days.

@Goatinthegarden hardly a "kids of today" situation. I'm a grown woman and wasn't allowed on residential. In fact I don't know a single person from my culture who was.

I'm sorry you had such a traumatic experience. Your teachers made the wrong judgement and shouldn't have lied to you.

I think a night in year 4 is a great idea. DD will go for 3 in year 5. Having one night means you can say 'see you tomorrow' and it's only 1 bedtime. It's normal for children to be unsure but feel pleased afterwards.

Can you chat to the school about your worries? I think your experience was rare in the 90s and even rarer now. Your son will benefit from you being gently encouraging although obviously not forcing him.

If your child was faced with a “weirdo” or any other serious situation they need to know the quickest way to get help in that individual situation. often that is contacting a parent.

However if they are at school or residential it is likely to be speaking to a trusted adult, in this case one of the parents or leaders. If it one of the leaders they fear speak to a different one when you aren’t in the same room.

If it is an emergency and they cannot speak to anyone else they should know how to call 999.

You cannot prevent children from encountering dangerous people (often an adult they know).

There has never been a reported incident of any weirdos or issues happening with kids of this nature at a PGL ever.

Your child is 1000s of magnitudes more likely to encounter a weirdo out of the people they actually know in real life.

Taking a hidden phone is a serious safeguarding issue.

Not great parenting to make your own child miss out due to your neuroses. He’s unlikely to get his first period on the trip is he?

It sounds like an overreaction on your part. I imagine kids get homesick on trips loads, and teachers will try and get them to stay because the kid will either just need time to settle and will regret going home, or it will open the floodgates and loads will want to go home. It doesn’t sound like you were actually ill, just homesick. That’s a normal reaction for an 11 year old away from home the first time. What’s not normal is being traumatised by it and it affecting decisions as an adult,

Having just one night away with his friends and teachers will be a very good, gentle introduction to residential for your child. As for the rest, you really need to let go - it's nearly 30 years ago, FFS.

PGL had no hand in what happened to you - YABU.

Just make sure school and your son know that if he wants to come home you will pick him up.

50 odd years ago I was at a Brownie Camp. Didn't like it at all. Gathered my 2ps and toddled off to phone box (think off site! This was the 1970s though!). Can't remember what my parents said but stayed at camp...
Many moons later both my boys been on PGL residentials. They had a great time. School had meetings beforehand so parents could ask questions and all very well organised. Whilst on trip, the occasional message or photo would appear on school Facebook page for parent reassurance.