PGL - I don't want them to have my money

[Lydo22]

I received an email from school a few weeks ago gauging opinions on transport for a 1 night PGL residential next year for when my son is in Year 4. I didn't realise residentials were even a thing for Year 4 so I was shocked but I was also shocked because of my own personal experience.
I'm prepared to refuse permission for my son to go, mostly on the basis that I don't want that company to have a penny of my cash.
I've asked him if he wants to go and he said he wants to but he is scared as he's never been away on his own.
But the main problem with this situation is me. It is no exaggeration to say it took me many years to get over the trip I went on in Year 6 in 1997. I was ill as soon as I got there, thinking back it was probably the start of PMS symptoms (that age isn't great for girls). I was incredibly homesick and spent 3 days crying. The school phoned my parents and told them I was ill and when they offered to pick me up the school said no need. When I asked to go home, the teachers told me that my parents had said it was too far so my parents couldn't come. Mum and Dad are in their 70s now and are still really upset about this.
The experience and the feeling of being trapped like that caused me a lot of problems. I was constantly scared of doing anything new and it seriously knocked my confidence. I nearly didn't go away to University because it was all still fresh in mind 6 years later.
I'm a much more robust 38 year old now and my son has had to deal with some bad things in his 7 years that I didn't at his age.
However, my experience of this brand and the way my school (nearly 30 years ago!) arranged this trip has been so long lasting and ingrained that I am reticent to even consider giving them any of my money.

I understand how irrational this is because my son in not me and his school is not my school from the 90s. So he could go and be fine, but I'm really curious as to whether anyone else has gone through a similar thought process about these trips?

It was the teachers. Shame on them.
However, once your parents told you the truth, I wonder why this didn't enable you to put it behind you.
It indicates you did not trust them and they did not have the ability to make things better for you (kids go through many things as they grow which their parents help them with).

It sounds to me as if you are blaming PGL for trauma that was caused by your school teachers. It sounds like a horrible experience but not one that the current PGL organisation has any link to.

The thing you want to avoid is sending your own child to that specific 3-night trip, with those specific teachers in charge, in the 1990s. That's ok, it isn't the 1990s any more and this 1 night trip has zero chance of being bad in the same way.

Having a single overnight trip in y4 is perfectly normal. Often followed by a 2-3 night trip in y5 and a whole week away in y6. This is a good thing fir children to do.

The first time my DC went away overnight I took a day off work and made sure I would be able to go and collect at a moment's notice if it all went wrong. It wasn't necessary in the end, DC had a brilliant time, but having a backup plan like this might help you?

Firstly this was your teachers not the company, they just own the facilities. Secondly times have changed, and thirdly, your son isn't you, it's one night and he wants to go. Could you prepare him by letting him have a sleepover at his grandparents for instance?

It sounds like you were traumatised by the trip but this isn't normal, most people love school residentials

OP, I posted upthread last night too.

I imagine, based on your comment that your parents are still upset, that your parents didn't help you develop resilience. In fact it sounds like they actively built the opposite to resilience. It says so much that they are still upset- a very extreme and unhealthy reaction.

Break the cycle with your own child and let him go. The issue isn't with PGL, or the teachers, or whatever. The issue seems to be with how you were parented....

I had a similar experience. Not at PGL, I didn't think it was a thing back then although we are the same age but mine was a religious residential at Alton castle and that was amazing in every way. I was scared to go because when I was about year 4, my horse riding stables had some kind of week away from home thing. It was a great thing they organised and everyone else loved it but I spent the whole time crying. I also didn't really know anyone. They did what they could and as it was close my mum visited but I know that trapped and lost feeling well. It's horrific and I see why it still bugs you now. Your teachers or the school were probably trying to help you and build some resilience but did it in the worst way.

I think you need to place blame with the teachers not PGL. You also need to look at your son and see if he is like you were at that age and may suffer the same or take his word that he wants to go and will have a good time. If the school call, tell them you are coming to get him rather than any mixed messages but I do believe kids being collected is super rare!

Your position is irrational.

My daughter went to PGL for a week and loved it.

My thoughts - if your son wishes to go, let him and don't worry

Think about it though.

Why would the school ring your parents to inform them you were ill , if going home wasn't at least an option? You were either ill and homesick enough for it to be communicated to your parents, which they did, or you weren't (or they didn't believe you were ) in which case they wouldn't have rang.

Plus, there was nothing they could do to stop your parents from actually driving over and picking you up. Nothing at all.

Were your parents driving? Were they working? Were you quite far away?

If you’re completely honest with yourself you'll probably realise they (rightly or wrongly) took the easy way out and left you there without realising exactly how upset you were , until you actually got home. By then it was too late. The school could have downplayed it, maybe , but as I said they couldn't stop them from picking you up. Not entirely the school's fault and absolutely nothing to do with PGL.

Your anger and frustration is incredibly misdirected, and now it's starting to affect your son too and interfering with his experiences and milestones. You have to let it go. For his sake.

You had PMS 28 years ago and this is the reason you won't let your child go on a trip ??

My two had a 2 night residential in Y4 and both of them had one kid whose parents picked them up each night and took them back each morning. You can always do that.

The one in dd2's class was 100% his mum's anxiety. She wouldn't even consider him giving it a go. I am looking forward to seeing what she does for the Y6 residential as that is a lot further away.

You are projecting which means it is all the more beneficial for ds to go. It is one night. You were badly let down by teachers but they are not those your ds has and times have changed regarding Risk assessments and Safeguarding.

And I don't say this from a life is all sunshine and rainbows perspective.

I was actually sexually assaulted by my classmates on one of my residentials. Lots of failures there from all kinds of adults, including at home.

Was I a nervous wreck when DD went on her first one? Of course I was. The anxiety was off the scale, anything could go wrong, I wasn't there to protect her etc. However, I decided a long time ago that none of my awful experiences were her fault or her burden to carry. I wouldn't have her miss out, so that ultimately I could feel better and make my life easier. So I suck it up , encourage her to have as many experiences as possible , send her off with a wave and smile and keep it all to myself, no matter how much it drives me mad. I owe her that as her parent.

Sounds like it was bad communication between the teachers and your parents and nothing to do with the PGL staff. The teachers told your parents you were poorly and shouldn’t have said there was no need to fetch you. Your parents should have insisted they came to get you despite the school saying there wasn’t a need.

residential trips in year 4 are normal. My daughter is in year 4 and goes away next month on her first residential for 2 nights 3 days. She’s super excited

Sorry but it sounds like an absolute non event and I imagine the teachers thought you were ok, just a bit homesick. You shouldn't stop your kid having fun with his school pals on a residential. I'd try and be enthusiastic about it.

DD went when they were in year 5. They're 18 now so a while back.

I had gone on Brownie and Guide holidays so liked the idea of DD doing similar, I wasn't really keen on it being via school as school was useless but DD wanted to go so we agreed.

They were promised lots of activities including crafts for those not into climbing, and a disco on the last night along with a campfire on a second night.

What rot. £364 it cost me.

In all the rooms, only one shower worked and that was in DDs bunk room of four. As a result of 45 kids wanting showers as it was cold and damp outside, their room was soaking and she said her bed and all her clothes got damp. No attempt made to sort this for her or the other three.

Food was awful. For breakfast they were offered porridge, and if they didn't like that a slice of bread. It promoted it's menu as great even for fussy eaters. DD isn't fussy but she said it was horrid, brown water with lumps in for dinner, dry sandwich at lunch. She came home and demolished half my fridge as she was starving (something reported back by other parents).

It was 99% climbing. She said she didn't feel safe as the people overseeing were in their teens and at one point told her to hurry up and climb when she was telling them she wasn't attached to anything. It was only because a teacher intervened she didn't have an accident. She said the people overseeing were horrible and kept shouting at everyone. After this she didn't want to join in and a number of them asked to join the days craft. They were told they weren't doing crafts at all.

No camp fire which was fine because the weather. However no disco happened as promised and no idea what happened to the treats us parents were asked to provide.

All that money and she sat on a bench. Starving and damp.

She ended up incredibly unwell when she came home with a temperature and the shakes, presumably from sleeping in a damp cold bed, in damp clothes and having barely anything to eat, the same happened to the three she shared the room with.

We contacted PGL who told us she should not have attended if she didn't like outward bound activities, they ignored my call for clarity on the promise of alternative activities and the disco.

School actually intervened as so many parents complained and got us all a refund. I'll never forget the kids all coming off the coach and us parents expecting them to be tired but happy, they all looked miserable. A few girls burst into tears when they saw their parents.

DD refused to go on any trips after that.
PGL are in my opinion a disgrace.

Both of mine loved it. We used PGL residential for holiday rime as we both work full time and didn't have cover to look after our sons. They used to request to go!

Mum and Dad are in their 70s now and are still really upset about this
about you being homesick 30 years ago? that's extreme

We've used PGL a few times and found them really good in this situation. On the only occasion DD was on her own without us/friends, they called me to discuss her homesickness 2 days into a 7-night camp. I came down to visit her with some more home comforts and we made a plan together with the staff. She swapped group and dorm to be with some girls she'd made friends with, but was still homesick two days later so I went and got her. The staff couldn't have done more to help her find her feet or keep me updated; I was really impressed.

Your teachers made a very poor decision and I'm sorry it affected you so much. Your experience can be helpful in informing your decisions and preparation for your DS' trip, but it shouldn't put you (or him) off the idea of going altogether.

Perhaps look at some recent reviews of the company and see if they are reassuring. 1997 was a long time ago; I think nowadays the world is more child-centric and people are less likely to gloss over a distressed child, if not for altruistic reasons, for fear of being sued.

Or it evidences a very sheltered life for all of them, but with the positive that it's still impacting the whole family to this extent that op and her parents have since year 4 have had a completely upset stress or tragedy free life? What luck!

What happened to you is the fault of the teachers and not PGL. PGL are a business and received money for your stay whether you stayed the whole time or left early.

I think that you should go along with your child’s wishes and not pass on your fears. It would be tragic if he ends up too anxious to do the things that he wants to do because of what happened a very long time ago. If he’s never had a sleepover, would a trusted person like his grandparents help?

DS did a PGL in Y4, he hated it but he got over it pretty quickly so your experience isn't usual and I think maybe you should try and get some help to understand why its affecting you so much years later.
I was pretty sure DS would hate it, he wasn't really homesick it just wasn't his thing at the time but DH persuaded me that I was "projecting my own issues" so we encouraged him to go and unfortunately I was right. Even The Head said later he probably shouldn't have gone. Ds is 16 and still doesn't love school trips but he will go and enjoy at least some bits of it.

What a shame for you.

Sorry, my comment about kids of today was in response to you saying their kid needed a secret mobile phone. That’s going to cause anxiety.

I'm sorry you had such a poor experience 30 years ago. However, PGL were not responsible for what happened to you, that was down to a bad judgement call and wrong decision making by the teachers from your school.

Your ire is extreme, and is misplaced. If your DS wants to go then let him. If needed, you could have a word with his teachers and explain your worries. Tell them that your distress was ignored 30 years ago by your school staff (it wasn't PGL) and that has had a lasting effect on you. Any teacher worth their salt will be able to reassure you about how they would deal with this sort of issue.

Don't give your DS a mobile phone as suggested by another poster. School will have set rules about this because of the chaos and very real safety risks they can pose for children of that age. School staff who go on the trip will have their own phones and lists of parents' contact numbers so that any issues can be dealt with.

Also, it is very normal for some overnight trips to happen in year 4. All of my three DDs went on a two nighter to a facility a few miles away when they were that age, followed by five day long trips in years 5 and 6. It's normal, and they were all fine.