can i tell you about my dd?

[nailpolish]

my dd seems to be very individual
she is the only child in the whole school who wears the entire school uniform every day. all other children just wear a polo shirt and trousers, dd wears long sleeved shirt, tie, doulbe breasted pinafore etc etc. she CHOOSES to do this. once i said to her "why dont you wear a polo shirt? itll be easier for gym time" she said "no thanks mummy, i like my shirt and tie its very smart"
so i just left it. if shes happy...
also
she isnt into things other girls are. but she is HAPPY with this.
until she tries ot join in and its awkward for her.
she also looks different (apart from the uniform) she has short frizzy hair that drives ME batty but dd loves her hair! shes always brushing it and says how beautiful it is she wears wierd combinations of clothes but as long as its not a bikini in midwinter then i just leave her to it
she isnt interested in toys. she will do the odd word search or pencil puzzle but mostly she just draws, cuts, sticks, paints, glues all day long. she has never bothered with dolls or the like.

anyway (crying here) i worry that one day she will see the difference with her and her friends and be sad. just now she is happy (except when feeling awkward about joining in - she sometimes tries and it comes across as her being bossy and shouty)
i just want her to be happy

i did ask the teacher to keep an eye on her in the playground - she told me dd plays ok with the other chldren but has no special friends

i remember when i was at school it was like the other girls could read each others minds and all went about like a flock of birds starting and finishing games at the same time.

i see dd doing that too. the other girls will start a game and dd will still be playing the previous one and shes always catching up

well anyway i have a special treat for dd after school - i called the violin teacher and dd can start today

Off to do school run to get my mindee. Hope your dd enjoys her lesson NP.

Just keep doing what you are doing and she'll be fine.

Come and visit me and i will tell you how lovely she is. Just like her mummy!!

nailpolish, it sounds so banal to say that your dd is so like mine but it's true.

My dd, also 5-and-a-half is completely unlike any of the girls in her class. Well, that's not strictly true I've noticed a couple of other solitary girls but neither they nor dd have the wherewithall to approach each other.

My dd hates pink, princesses, dolls. She does love animals however and will go very mushy over soft toys. She won't play role play games like 'mummies and daddies' and she can't seem to play with more than one person ever. If someone else comes along to join in she just tails off and goes off into her own head again. She spends so much time in her own imagination that I do worry. She's also a stickler for correct uniform. I tried to persuade her that it was fine to wear white sandals to school as almost all the other girls do but she insisted I buy her some black ones!! She also is very clever I think, not child genius, but reading and writing well and the teacher is very pleased with her progress. I can't say she's hugely enthusiastic about sitting down and reading or writing but she absolutely loves drawing pictures. She hated ballet (tried twice) and never got picked as a partner for someone else which did upset her. But she loves swimming lessons and gymnastics. She's very athletic and seems to enjoy 'testing' her body's limits.

I think she may differ slightly from your dd in that her imaginary world is clearly far preferable from what the 'real' world has to offer. She'll often be singing to herself, being someone else to herself - Ariel from The Little Mermaid for instance. And sometimes she'll spend a whole day pretending she's someone else and I have to address her as that person. Dp gets very worried about that.

I have so many images in my mind that have made me cry when she's been 'shunned' by other girls (even if they haven't intended to 'shun' or anything like it). It breaks my heart too.

Naily - I think there are two different but interlinked issues you are raising here:

1. That your DD dances to her own tune

1. That she doesn't always get the finer points of social niceties at school.

My DD is a fair bit older than yours and had very much the same issues when starting school - she spent her whole life writing stories/making books/baking/making things. She also found it hard to ask to join in when others were playing games together.

The first situation has been absolutely fine - she is accepted totally for what she is - no pressure whatsoever to change.

The second point was something we did actively seek to help her with though. Firstly, school provided her with a buddy (popular girl) to help her break into the girls groups more easily. Secondly, we spent a lot of time role playing with her how you join in activities and play with others.

Some of this was just teaching her the rules of various games, teaching her all the clapping and skipping rhymes, etc.

Some was actually asking her to observe how I acted when I broke into the group of mummies waiting outside school in the morning. Then talking about it later 'did you see how I went up to one mum who was just on the outside of the group and said hi, chatted a bit about the traffic and then two of the other mums noticed me there and started to chat to me - did you see how quickly the whole group was all chatting to me...'

I suppose what I am saying is that you can address the second point without in any way taking away your DD's individuality. That being part of a social group won't erode any of the wonderful things that your DD is.

I find it fabulous that DD doesn't feel the need to conform - unless of course it is because EVERYONE else in her year has their ears pierced!

that's a great post sb. I hope np doesn't mind me responding to it in relation to my dd...

Firstly I agree about the dancing to own tune stuff. I'm actually pleased that she feels she doesn't have to do things to 'fit in' if she doesn't want to. It shows a lot of inner strength. I remember dd telling me that on one of the first weeks in Reception the teacher went round the class asking the children their favourite colour. She said every single girl said 'pink' but she said 'lilac and turquoise'. I like that side of things.

You're right, the social side of things is where it becomes more painful. My dd seems to intrinsically not know the 'rules' of what makes a girl 'popular'. She's not flexible, has a very set idea of how things should be and doesn't cope with what she perceives as bossiness from another child at all. Bossiness probably being a set of rules that aren't her own. She seems socially clumsy. Yet the idea of an older girl mentor / buddies is anathema to dd, I mentioned it once and she hated the idea. Unlike np's dd mine doesn't try to join in group games, she's more likely to be on the sidelines watching. And she seems to take ages to get to know someone.

hi soapbox
i like that idea. i will tyr to speak to dd about that, thanks so much.

the school gave dd a buddy from p7 to help her in the playground - but this has kind of tailed off as the year has gone by

Imaginaryfriend - I think it is fine if your DD is on the sidelines watching, BUT is happy with that. Why force her to join in if she doesn't want to. What is sad, is if she is sitting on the sidelines wanting to join in, but not knowing how to

The school did the buddy thing which was a popular girl from her class but they buddied up all of the children so that DD didn't stand out IYSWIM. So effectively they were just paired up within their class - held hands going up for lunch, sent to the loo together, sat next to each other at assembly etc. They also have another more formal buddy system where if you are sad in the playground there is a special bench where you sit and a formal buddy will come and look after you (and DD would never have done the bench thing either).

soapbox i also worry because when i was at school i had no special friends - and i mean all through my entire school years

and i find it really hard to just walk up to a group of women and start talking

everyone seems to know all about each ohter - as in "oh hows your dad, is he home from hospital yet"
or "hows the new job going"

and i think oh i ddint know she had a new job or her dad was ill

and i am there every day too!

its how i imagine dd - and i imagine she is thinking the same as me but obv things like "how did they all know it was a new game they wre playing"
or
"why didnt anyone tell me we were going to play hide and seek"

Couldn't read this and not post. I think you're a lovely mum nailpolish. You're aware of the pitfalls of how kids can be and the affect emotionally on your child of not being with the in crowd but your DD doesn't sound unhappy in the slightest. All kids get left out occassionally, even the ones who are allegedly the "popular" ones. My DD (she's 8) has tons of friends, is in to girlie things and is really confident but tbh I get grief from the teachers cos she's so full of character. In p.1 she got moved from every group (she was chatting too much and not doing any work) until eventually she was sat at a desk on her own - I was a bit but the teacher explained her reasons saying my DD never stuck to one or two special girlfriends, instead would be happy with anyone and tbh that actually can be better. All kids are individuals and find their niche imo, and this usually happens when they're older and have a wider pool to choose from. Your DD is still so young and sounds like shyness/lack of confidence isn't an issue so I would just keep reassuring her, gently encouraging her interests in different activities till she settles on one she likes and most importantly of all give loads of positive love.

Oh blimey naily

I think learning how to small talk is a pretty good skill to have although to be frank it bores me rigid. I do, however, have the whole stock of questions to get things moving along nicely and have done loads and loads of networking at work (aka walking into a room of complete strangers and talking to as many of them as you can within the alloted time).

The only think I can say about small talk, is that it is all about having a stock of questions that you can use and then let people talk while you try not to look bored by the answers. The secret is definitely about questions though - lots of them - people love talking about themselves.

Here are a few of my favourites for the school gate:

Did you get caught in that awful traffic jam/hail storm/ rain earlier?

Gosh aren't the girls growing up fast - what is your DD into these days?

Are you going away in the half term/summer? Where to? etc.

Oh, I love your shoes/eye make up/ lippie / jeans where did you get them from?

Your DD's hair is really nice - where did you get it cut?

Is Daphne still doing ballet/ stage school/ netball? Still enjoying it, is she?

Are you still working at XXX - are you finding it fits in with school runs etc okay?

Did you see that story about additives/fish oils/ blah/ blah/ more blah in the paper/news - what did you think of it?

I see there is a new shop that has opened in the High Street - have you been in yet - what's it like?

thanks scotlass that is a really lovely post
thank you

I also meant to say that most of the children in DD's and DS's classes did not start to make special friends until they were in Y2 and there has been a lot of flux between Y2 friends and Y5 for my DD, where things seem to be settling down a little.

So your DD has loads of time yet to find her little group of like-minded littlies

soapbox you are a sweetie

i find chit chat ok at work and one to one - its the GROUPS that annoy me
some of the mothers round ehre look so fierce!

do you know what i mean?

dd just looks so different in her uniform
i LOVE how she wears it and is proud
i think the other mothers should just stop being so materialistic and judging by looks alone

they dont know the real dd

its easy to single out a child who looks different

I do know what you mean - the mum's at my DD's school are not fierce but they are all SAHM's who spend their lives in the gym and going shopping for lunch - so they live a very different life from me. And that can be daunting because they do know each other far better than I know them all.

But I just always stick to the mantra that everyone has something interesting about them and my job over the next 10 years of standing at the school gate is to try and find out what that interesting thing is

ARRRGGGGHHH - awful, awful stray apostrophe in my post

naily, you're welcome. I'm just thinking that actually my DH was a wee boy like your DD and he's turned out all right . He's rubbish at small talk and social nicities (sp?) though has got better in the past couple of years. He mainly socialises with like minded people and prefers his own company and has never followed the crowd. He used to get grief for not dressing the way he should in order to get promoted (long story, he looks appalled when I talk about underage drinking, attending parties and lying to my parents . So when he was 28 he married his opposite and we're ying and yang (is that right?). The only time I'd worry is if she starts to feel negatively about herself and because you're aware you'll be prempting it. I always tell my DD some are just born to be leaders rather than followers and wouldn't the world be really boring if we were all the same!

yes i tell dd that ALL the time

np - saw this and wanted to do a quick post. i remember the time i met you - you seemed so confident, warm and approachable. i felt S**t scared to meeting all these scottish women in a bar in eburgh where i knew no-one but you made a special effort to speak to me. i know it must ne hard to feel on teh sidelines watching in on yr wee girl but as others have said - she sounds fab. just the kinda girl i would have migrated towards when i was at school.
dp is a loner and i worry that she will "learn" more awkward ways from him but - he is more than happy to spend his time pottering by himself.
i like Sp's ideas - logged for the future when dd is older.

oh lawks - what poor spelling in my last post

oh thanks weeonion. it was great to meet you to
you
are right about dd - she would anyone a good friend - she is very loyal and warmhearted

will you come to our next meet up?

thread

oh how i wish some of you lot were the mums at my dds school