To ask teachers to not share with grandparents?

[bows101]

My grandmother picks my DS up once a week due to my working pattern. Every day I pick my DS up, they usually open the door and he comes out. Barely a word is said, or if it is, its something very generic like 'yes he's had a lovely day'
My grandmother however always tell me the teachers are coming out to her and telling her or asking her specific things. In the beginning I feel she probably asked 'how was his day' which I told her to stop asking. Her job is simply to pick him up, it's not really relevant to her to ask questions about his day and whatnot.
She's known for exaggerating and not understanding exactly what she's been told (always has been like this) so the messages she passes on to me, I can never be sure exactly what was said. As it's more like how she's interpreted and taken it, rather than factual.
I want to email the school to tell them to stop asking or telling her information, she's there to pick up only. I do pick ups twice a week and his dad does the other 2. How can I say this in a nice way to them so they stop telling her stuff?!

OMG! Entitled and controlling or what!

You do realise that you should be grateful that she picks him up for you

Being grateful to someone doesn’t give them a free pass to do whatever they like.

I disagree.

I wouldn't complain about how someone does me a favour, if they are doing me a favour. The grandmother is going out of her way.

If I asked my colleague to bring me to work because my car broke down, should I then complain about the state of her car?

Just send an email to the teacher. Say you dont know if messages are being passed through your grandmother, but she seems unsure what has been said. So could the teacher speak to you, on x day, or send an email if she has any concerns? I'm sure you'll get a response in a few days.

You can then reassure granny that you are in contact with the teacher.

Grow up

No, but if your work colleague decided to make racial slurs the entire drive, or grabbed your thigh or did something else that made you uncomfortable you shouldn’t have to just put up with it because they are doing you a favour.

op said if she made other arrangements it would cause issues and the grandma would be upset about not picking the OPs child up.

Bit if a difference between the colleague grabbing my thigh, and the gran asking bow the child's day is.

I think most grans would say "how was the child's day"

Wow, there’s some crazy comments on here. I don’t think there’d be anything wrong with you asking if it’s ok to limit detailed feedback to the days you pick your dc up and also asking for clarity on what was said.

She’s in loco parentis while she’s picking your child up. You can ask school to fill you in on any updates, though.

This is not on imv - teachers discussing behavioural problems with someone who is not the primary caregiver probably in the hearing of others and at pick up time rather than a private meeting - teacher needs a chat with, failing that inform school that you need to be informed and no one else And are happy to meet with teacher any time.

Op ignore the crazy comments it always happens when you post at night.

I would speak to teacher and explain dgm is saying XY and Z are there any concerns? Likelihood is there isn't and DGM is getting the wrong end of the stick.

I would ask teacher that any concerns be shared with yourself or dad either face to face or via phone/email.

If DGM continues to do it you can either ignore her or call her out and say you spoke to the teacher and they say there are no issues.

I wonder if the behavioural issues are because grandmother is picking him up, if they are saying he is heightened on a Friday afternoon, is she able to manage his behaviour coming out of school? Maybe they have spoke to her about this and she has taken it as the school saying she shouldn’t be picking him up anymore.

Have you ever thought this is grandmas way of telling you your kids a brat and the school hasn't actually said anything

Did this happen for the previous years? Or has it just started?
Does the teacher definitely know what all the relationships to your son are?

Simple- speak to the teacher Monday. Address your concerns. See what concerns they have.

I think the fact that you've had to invent stuff about not being allowed to ask about his day shows that you know you're in the wrong here.

Interesting that the comments from teachers and grandparents who help with pickups (i.e. people who are familiar with these situations and understand what's going on) are broadly supportive, while the critics of OP have to use ludicrous exaggeration and are clearly projecting because of conflicts in their own lives.

This has been a very strange thread to read. Yes you could have worded your concern a bit better OP, as it's definitely not her 'job' to pick up your child, but I sense your frustration in your opening post and am surprised that most people have chosen to lynch you for that turn of phrase, rather than respond to your genuine concerns.

It does sound unusual that school would choose to only address issues with her and not you or his Dad. I would say it's down to one of three things. The first could indeed be that she's making it up, as you fear from past experiences. The second could be that she's specifically asking for an update on his day. Even then though I would say that, if something isn't major enough to mention to a care giver by choice, ie teacher asking themselves if they can have a word, then it doesn't need mentioning even if a report on his day is sought by whoever collects.

The third option is that it could be a different teacher on your grandmother's day, and they tend to be bigger on regular feedback than the usual class teacher for some reason. This would make most sense to me, as each teacher will have some release time during the week for planning, preparation and assessment (PPA). If you only ever see the class teacher and she only ever sees the PPA cover on her one day, neither of you will be aware that you're talking about a different person when she says his teacher said this...

Basically, you need to find out what is going on. Rather than just pick him up and assuming all is ok if they say nothing, actually ask "is everything ok? My grandmother often says she's been told he's not had a good day when she collects once a week, but I'm surprised that nobody has addressed this with me." See what they say. If they seem surprised, you know she's either lying/exaggerating or it's actually a different member of staff communicating with her, which school will be able to address if you put in a request that this information isn't shared with your grandmother and is sorted with a phone call to you if needed.

It's not an unreasonable request that they only discuss behaviour issues with you. As a teacher, I would only address this with parents/legal guardians anyway. I work in an area with high levels of EAL so we often have people say things like "please talk to me if there's a problem as her grandmother won't understand" etc. I know you haven't said that English being a second language is the issue here, but it's a similar request which schools will be use to hearing. No need for an email (which will go to the office or headteacher and could seem like a complaint), just tell the teacher in person. It's not an unreasonable or unusual request that behaviour issues are only discussed with the parents.

I get this OP, my dad picks up my DS on a Friday and, while you worded it clumsily, I agree he is not there to deal with any issues or concerns of the teacher, he loves picking up and spending time with his grandson and I would hate for him to feel responsible for dealing with school issues, he is doing me a huge favour and that is absolutely a job that is mine or DHs.

We've had similar, my dad reported DS had been kicked in the back and winded at school and he was, understandably, furious. He kept it from DS but when I got home he was asking what I was going to do about it? Is he being bullied? Does he stand up for himself? Am I going to move schools? Etc etc. after speaking to DS and the class teacher the following Monday, this boy had come down the slide behind DS too quickly, complete accident, the boy apologised without being prompted, DS was fine after a minute. The teacher did mention this to my dad too but it had obviously gone over his head. If something happens on a Friday now his lovely teacher will send me a message on the class app.

Yes, I took time out of my day to “invent” something due to my horrific conflict filled life.

Direct quote: In the beginning I feel she probably asked 'how was his day' which I told her to stop asking. Her job is simply to pick him up, it's not really relevant to her to ask questions about his day and whatnot

Edited to add: ready to accept your forthcoming apology at any time.

Dear School.

My grandmother (add identifier) has difficulty passing on oral messages. If you have any concerns please could you email me?

You mention as an example the teacher talking about poor behaviour that day, and you mention this very briefly yet go on and on about the unwanted interaction with grandma.
Why is the poor behaviour that is mentioned by the teacher not the focus of your concern?

Perhaps you are embarrassed that grandma gets to hear negative feedback about DGS when you'd prefer to hide it from her. Or pretend the school have nothing to say and no issues to report.

What about if your child has say, done really well at school and won a small prize that day. Is the teacher not allowed to mention that to grandma either?

I don't think it's unreasonable to just say to the teache (not email) can they not pass messages through nan. If it's urgent for that day, they should call or email, but otherwise just talk to you as messages get lost in translation.

She does pay her.

👏🏻