To ask teachers to not share with grandparents?

[bows101]

My grandmother picks my DS up once a week due to my working pattern. Every day I pick my DS up, they usually open the door and he comes out. Barely a word is said, or if it is, its something very generic like 'yes he's had a lovely day'
My grandmother however always tell me the teachers are coming out to her and telling her or asking her specific things. In the beginning I feel she probably asked 'how was his day' which I told her to stop asking. Her job is simply to pick him up, it's not really relevant to her to ask questions about his day and whatnot.
She's known for exaggerating and not understanding exactly what she's been told (always has been like this) so the messages she passes on to me, I can never be sure exactly what was said. As it's more like how she's interpreted and taken it, rather than factual.
I want to email the school to tell them to stop asking or telling her information, she's there to pick up only. I do pick ups twice a week and his dad does the other 2. How can I say this in a nice way to them so they stop telling her stuff?!

Thank you for getting it. The reason I asked for advice is to not sound absolutely bonkers to the teachers (as I do on here apparently) is because I cannot be sure what the teachers said to her is exactly true

Well this was a laugh thanks guys 😬

FWIW - my grandmother is there to pick up my son, shes not involved in actively parenting him day to day. She's apparently being asked all sorts of questions/concerns about his behaviour being heightened on a Friday when she picks him up and she doesn't understand it. For example today she told me the school doesn't want her to pick him up, which I find very hard to believe they ran out the gate and said that to her.
So to ask the teachers what they said exactly without sounding like the mad one myself, is it really offensive to the majority of you?
She gets paid for this too, so it's not necessarily a loving favour
Of course I wouldn't care if they said positive things^^ im not a complete nut job

You pick him up yourself 2 days a week, wouldn’t you just ask them then? You said barely any words are spoken when you do pick up , so maybe time to start asking .

@bows101 With the update that she's said the school don't want her picking him up, how old is she?

Just because you pay her doesn't mean she actually wants to pick him up. I'd take this as her trying to tell you she doesn't want to do it anymore. Whatever her reason. Find an alternative and don't blame her. It might just be too much with a bunch of children around on a Friday afternoon.

Her job is to simply pick him up😱 that’s not a nice way to speak about her, she’s not paid employee. Shes helping you.

And you’re being way over the top.

This isn’t helping your cause.

I do actually agree with you and I am a granny that does pick ups as well as other childcare!😀
If there is anything important to say it should be between the teacher and parent. I really do not know all the ins and outs of what is going on at school as I only pick up once a week ( twice a week but different schools). One of the nice things about being a grandparent is that you don’t have to get involved in all that stuff.
Years ago a friend of mine had in laws that were really overstepping and asking the teacher if their grandchild child was keeping up etc.
OP, maybe you could have phrased it a bit better. My children have never told me it was my job to pick up my grandchildren!

Fully aware we have 1 maybe 2 years left of her pick ups. DS can be a handful too.
If I stopped her doing it, all hell would break loose. She likes doing it and lives close to the school so it's not any secret hints there.
She takes everything personal, the teacher probably said something completely different and she interprets it to be about her.
As I said, I'm concerned with the teacher saying minimal to me, but apparently saying a lot to her.

It's quite hard to read people saying I'm ungrateful and undeserving of my family member when I am close to burn out because of her over the past few years, probably MH / on the spectrum but stuck in the generation where it's swept under the carpet and whom I support financially by providing her a rent free flat. But yes, I'm the bad one because I said it's her job 😅

So bloody ungrateful 🙄

I'm a grandmother and retired teacher. I pick up my DGD from school on occasions, and if her teacher started talking to me about negative behavioural issues, I would not be impressed. And as a teacher, I would only ever discuss issues with the parents, unless I had permission to do otherwise.

So while OP used unfortunate language, she's absolutely right to be concerned that this kind of communication is happening, and it would be completely reasonable for her to get in touch with the class teacher and ask for any communication of importance to be given directly to her or her husband, and not to the grandmother.

No parent should be getting second hand information about their child's behaviour.

I get your concern, OP. You’re worried that:

either the school is passing on worrying reports only to your grandmother, but not to you - which is bad because why don’t they mention it to you if there’s an issue? (Even if you don’t seek them out for a chat, they should still be trying to contact you if there’s a problem)

or, your grandmother is getting totally the wrong end of the stick and you want to ensure the school knows she isn’t to be trusted with info.

I would see if I can speak to the teacher directly, saying “x’s grandmother mentioned to me that x y z, behaviour etc, obviously this sounds quite worrying, could I hear more from you about this as his grandmother isn’t always the clearest at relaying information to me”. That way you’re giving the teacher the option to raise anything that might be a problem, but also conveying that if there is an issue with mixed messages, the teacher should be cautious about what she/he says to the grandma.

There are two parts to this.

Firstly you need to find out if the school do speak to her. I got really random, to me, messages from the school stafff most Fridays when I picked my nephew up. When my SIL spoke to them it turned out the TA had got muddled and thought I was his mum and collected him on a Friday so they saved anything up all week and told it all to me.

Secondly, if she's saying delusional things like the teachers are saying she's not to pick him up then she doesn't sound fit for collecting him.

How old are you OP? And how old is your grandmother?

I wonder if they think you are the sister...

Maybe she doesn't want to do it anymore so is making that up. Or maybe she does ask intrusive questions so they did say this. Talk to his teacher directly, I'd say something like"I have some concerns with things DGM is passing on and has said the teacher has told her, such as XYZ. I want to make sure there is nothing we're missing here and trying to work out if DGM is exaggerating as she often does with the things she's telling us" then you could say after the conversation something like, "could you please let me or DC dad know directly about anything that we need to know as the message can get garbled coming through DGM." Maybe the teacher find her more approachable or doesn't feel you'd be receptive and DC behaviour.
You're getting a hard time because how you worded it was very unreasonable and sounded like you treat her like she's a servant. The best thing you can do is talk to the teacher and also listen to what they have to say, if any thing.

I’d feel exactly the same. My son’s dad never does pickups. I do 1-2 a week. The person whose job it is to pick up my son is my childminder. Concerns/messages should ONLY be communicated to the parents. This is regardless of any gratitude the OP should show to the grandmother.

I get what the OP is saying, and I don’t think someone doing you a favour means you have to like everything about them.

My brother used to offer to take ds to soft play but I realised it was because he enjoyed ds getting into fights.

Her ‘job’ 🫣😳

Might be time to start paying for after-school childcare if it’s staff you want rather than family.

Bloody hell. What a patronising comment 🙄
I'm mid 30s and have a child in yr2.

I would be very uncomfortable with the school talking about my child to anyone who isn't the child's actual parents/main caregiver.

Send a quick email asking if there is an issue because (grandmother) suggested there is and if the teacher would like to schedule a quick meeting. Conclude that you'd prefer the issue to be spoken about when you pick up the child yourself rather than with anyone else.

If your grandmother says that the school have requested that she doesn't pick up the child and you know this is not true, I'd be inclined to think your grandmother is having memory issues and it would be safer not to put your child in her care at all though.

Wow, you’re entitled aren’t you? What do you mean, her job? What did your last slave die from?

I pick my DGC up

At one point concerns were shared but we've rightfully put a stop to it and they ring the parents if there's a problem

If something funny has happened we are told about that!

But if my DC ever spoke to me or about me like the OP has they'd be doing it themselves!

You're not wrong - the school should deal with you (and concerns shouldn't wait till the end of the week)

But your grandmother still isn't staff. And if you don't like what's happening, accept all hell breaking loose and change it

Regardless of whether you think the OP is being unfair or whatever, a teacher should not be discussing anything like that with anyone other than the parents. I would email, and make it clear that you do not give permission for your child’s behaviour to be discussed with the grandma, and any behaviour concerns need to be communicated directly to you.

it sounds to me like the grandma very much wants to pick the son up and be involved.

"She takes everything personal, the teacher probably said something completely different and she interprets it to be about her."

Ah OK.... so in your initial post you came off completely awful and ridiculous talking about it's her "job".... but with this comment.... I've had a similar experience with a family member doing pick ups OP, so you now have my complete sympathy (one particularly fab one was when they were expecting someone else to pick up, so she said they were about to ring the police on her because they "must have" been told by me she was dead).

So. I would say next time you pick up, ask the teacher that granny said she was told they don't want her to do pick ups, is that true or did granny misunderstand, if granny misunderstood, maybe just let them know that this happens often with granny and that perhaps they should just stick to a nice simple "he had a good day, thanks".

I agree with you Op! surely schools shouldn't discuss behavioural concerns with non-parents. I think that's crazy. what if it was a babysitter or a school friend's mum collecting- would they just share information with them too?

I'd have a friendly chat with the teacher and explain that the GM is paid to do pick up occasionally and has no care giving role beyond that so please can they ensure that they do not discuss behavioural concerns with her and that they are shared with you instead. If it sounds like they have shared info, based on the teachers reaction, say grandma has claimed they have raised multiple specific issues that need to be discussed as a matter of urgency and demand a meeting with the Head if Year etc to go over the problems and ask to set in place a procedure to ensure you are informed immediately of any concerns and ask how the school plans to help your child... basically make it a headache for them to deal with this so they are incentivised to not talk to her again!