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Original poster

Teacher left my ds1 wet all afternoon - what would you do?

103 replies

Greensleeves · 10/03/2008 15:49

have just picked ds1 up from school

he says he wet himself "in between lunch time and afternoon fruit time" and the teacher noticed he was wet - it was his turn to do something on the computer and she said "you can' sit on my lap, you've wet yourself" and he said "OK, I'll sit on the chair next to you then". She didn't change him or ask him to change himself or anything, and has sent him home still wet.

This teacher has had ds1's reception class just since half term, his original teacher went on maternity leave. He's being investigated (for want of a better term) for possible ASD and has an IEP, she knows all of this and thinks he has ASD (she told me this, shortly after the original teacher brought the subject up)

I did think she was quite kind and wolud be fine with ds1, although he was very attached to his other teacher. But a couple of things have upset me a bit - little things really. For one, when I took him in one morning recently when he was in one of his difficult moods, I was trying to talk to him and he was rocking and looking away from me (just being a bit silly, nothing terrible!) she said "Oh, he doesn't change, does he?" really harshly and then told him off in front of me.

Also ds1 really played up about going back to school this morning (we've been away for the weekend) and said his teacher didn't like him, his name was always on the board, he has no chance of ever being one of the good children and there is no point in him trying

His other teacher was strict with him but I don't think he felt disliked or demonised by her.

Am I overreacting? And what should I say? I am sitting here about to ring her and ask about the leaving him wet, but I don't want to alienate her, and I'm not sure what I should say.

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DoodleToYou · 10/03/2008 16:35

Message withdrawn

S1ur · 10/03/2008 16:38

FWIW your conversation with the teacher sounds incredibly reasonable and articulate. Well done you.

Next steps I suppose would be to catch her in the morning and when it becomes very clear that she hasn't really got time for a meeting ask to rearrange to after school.

Putting it in terms of looking at strategies to tackle this together is good.

aGalChangedHerName · 10/03/2008 16:38

This happened to my ds1 when he was in Primary 1 (was 5 at the time) he is now 16.5.

I was bloody furious and although i complained nothing was done about it.

Mind you this is the smae school that has no hand soap ot toilet paper so maybe my ds would rather wet himself

No advice tbh but sympathies xx

DANCESwithaMuffinTop · 10/03/2008 16:42

What Beaulocks said.
As a teacher I appreciate how difficult and draining it can be having challenging children in your class (as well as rewarding when you see them achieve). Having said that, personally I would NOT have let a child out of the classroom with wet trousers, I would have called the parent over, explained that it had just happened (if that was the case) apologise that I hadn't had a chance to deal with it and also given the opportunity for them to come in and change the child into something clean to go home in.
It sounds like the teacher does not know how to deal with your son. I would ask for a meeting to go over strategies with her and maybe the SENCO on how to support him.
I think you sound as if you were being entirely reasonable on the phone but I suspect as she feels out of her depth she is going to be defensive however reasonable you are!

VanillaPumpkin · 10/03/2008 16:44

Oh Greeny. That is . You have done the right thing and been very reasonable imo. Many other parents would have gone in all guns blazing. I agree that she will hopefully mull over the comments you have made. Him being left wet is unacceptable....
I certainly don't think the school think you blame any misbehaviour on problems your ds might have. They are backing you up with the 'investigation' as you put it. I think you are having a bad day with a hideous migraine and are not able to deal with this right now. I hope it will look better in the morning. I really really think you have handled it very very well considering so please don't give yourself a bad time.
I don't like the boards. I think they are a bit negative tbh, but I am trying to work out what an alternative could be when you are trying to control 30 children .
Good Luck and chin up.

wheresthehamster · 10/03/2008 16:45

Leaving the main problem aside - why did he have to sit on her lap? Are the chairs not the right height?

bundle · 10/03/2008 16:48

this isn't nice.

I took some of dd1's old knickers, socks etc in for this very purpose and would hate to think of any child staying wet for any length of time

DANCESwithaMuffinTop · 10/03/2008 16:50

Bundle - I did the same. When dd wet herself the classroom assistant came out to apologise that they'd had to send her home in boys pants (dd didn't notice!) so I bought a pack of cheapy girls pants for them to keep in the classroom.

Kewcumber · 10/03/2008 16:51

your conversation sounds perfectly sensible to me - her defensiveness is presumably because she feels she didn;t handle the situation well. I doubt you have made the situation worse, why don;t you wait until theree isn;t an "issue" and ask to see her to say the same things again. She may take it on board better when she doesn;t feel at fault.

wheresthehamster · 10/03/2008 16:52

The amount of children who go home in school clothing and keep it is amazing. All donations gratefully accepted!

VictorianSqualor · 10/03/2008 16:52

Is she a new teacher?

mean, seriously, if DD's teacher said to me 'Bear with me' etc I'd be pretty pissed off. She should have coping strategies in place if she is going to be looking after 30 children.

That includes dealing with a wet child and finding a way of dealing with children who are disruptive at carpet time. If she is constantly putting childrens names on the board then it's obviously not working is it?

I'd be inclined to ask for a meeting with the head, and find out what policies they have for dealing with disruptive children, if they differ from children that are being looked at for SN and what their policy on accidents are.
You can bet your bottom dollar that if Ds had vomited everywhere she would have managed to get it sorted.

DANCESwithaMuffinTop · 10/03/2008 16:57

VS . Really are you this charming in RL? Teachers are just human. Vomit gets everywhere and stinks. A child who wets themselves in the last few minutes of a lesson and doesn't say anything could easily go unnoticed in the confusion of getting 30 children, their coats, bookbags, lunchboxes, waterbottles etc ready to go out of the door

VictorianSqualor · 10/03/2008 17:03

Her DS has told her he wet himself between the lunch and snack time, so not just as he was about to leave the classroom.

If he had, then fair enough, but to say he couldnt sit on her lap and just continue with the class?

The point I was making was that she should have dealt with it when she realised, and her 'not having any help' wouldn't have washed if it had been vomit would it? She would have made an effort to deal with it.

So IMO it was ignored, not unnoticed.

Surely if things aren't working it's best to address it and get her some help to deal with it? Hence why I asked if she was a new teacher, most teachers with experience would have strategies they have learnt over time to deal with these type of issues, if she has little experience then I can't see how it would be anything other than beneficial to both the class and the teacher to have it addressed.

Sorry but 'bear with me' doesn't fill me with much confidence.

meemar · 10/03/2008 17:09

VS - I think the teacher is new to the class. Greensleeves says she's only been there since half-term.

(in reference to the 'bear with me', not the leaving him wet, which was unnacceptable)

GrapefruitMoon · 10/03/2008 17:10

Is there a SECO at the school who could sort of mediate if you think you are not going to get much further by talking directly to the class teacher?

at the wet clothes thing. IMO her getting defensive is perhaps an indication that she knows she didn't act correctly - have you had to talk to her much about your ds since half-term/

DANCESwithaMuffinTop · 10/03/2008 17:10

The teacher said it had happened at the end though. She handled it wrong no doubt but with 29 other children getting ready to go, 29 adults waiting outside in the rain to collect them if she had no-one to help then I can understand Greeny's ds not being changed BUT she should have called Greeny in and spoken to her about it.

I would translate 'bear with me' as I don't know how to deal with this I therefore need some time to speak to other teachers, do some research, think about this rather than being able to produce an instant solution on the phone. It doesn't surprise me at all because it happens all the time but why parents who are willing to admit openly that they make mistakes/don't know what to do for the best are so intolerant of a teacher who can't just SOLVE problems at the drop of hat I do not understand.

Unfitmother · 10/03/2008 17:15

I think a chat with the SENCO sounds in order.

VictorianSqualor · 10/03/2008 17:15

So Greensleeves' Ds must have been lying then, he didnt do it between lunch and snack-time, and she didn't leave him sat in wet clothes during the lesson?
Of course, children lie, adults don't, I forgot that.

FWIW, I have had some wonderful teachers for DD, and am normally incredibly supportive of them, but when I had a similar problem it turned out DD was not lying, and said teacher was trying to cover her back. That happened twice as well, once with her wetting herself, and once with her spraining her ankle quite badly and not being able to walk. Dinner supervisors had seen it happen both times yet apparently according to teacher it had 'only just happened' when I picked her up.

Just because someone is a teacher doesn't make them infallible.

GrapefruitMoon · 10/03/2008 17:17

Obviously I also meant SENCO

DANCESwithaMuffinTop · 10/03/2008 17:27

THank you VS. YOu have made my point exactly

"Just because someone is a teacher doesn't make them infallible"

I'm not saying who is right or wrong here. I don't know whether the teacher is lying or Greeny's ds or something in between (eg he wet himself during the afternoon but successfully hid it)

I have repeatedly said she acted incorrectly in this situation.

It's your attitude when you say things like this...'She should have coping strategies in place if she is going to be looking after 30 children' that make me angry. As I'm SURE you are aware, all children are different, all classes are different. I've been teaching for 8 years but I can comfortably say that the class I have at the moment is one of the most challenging I have ever had. Largely this is due to one group of boys who whilst individually are great, as a group are very disruptive . I am having to find new strategies all the time to keep them engaged and on task. Some days they work, others not so well. Maybe I should have them all sit in silence while I talk at them? They may not be learning or enjoying but at least I have a strategy...

DANCESwithaMuffinTop · 10/03/2008 17:28

Apologies Greeny for this take over of your thread

VictorianSqualor · 10/03/2008 17:31

But as you say, you do have strategies, they may not always work but if they don't you adapt and change.
From what Greeny has said the board with names is recurrent and IMO if it isn't working, which it seems not to be, she should be trying to find other strategies.
If she is a new teacher then it is all the more important it is addressed now and with someone like the head so she can be taught how to deal with it.
As I said earlier though 'bear with me' especially combined with the difference in stories between her and Greenys DS would not fill me with confidence and I would want it dealt with.

DANCESwithaMuffinTop · 10/03/2008 17:39

Ah but then ongoing strategies are important as well as introducing new ones. Changing your discipline system all the time is no good for anyone either. So for example with Greeny's son's class I would keep the faces going for the rest of the class but perhaps target children for whom they are not working with small achievable goals like 'sitting sensibly during the register' 'finishing a particular piece of work' etc. I could go on and on and on (aristonesque)about this. I think this teacher needs some help and hopefully after Greeny's phonecall maybe she will ask someone for some. I just think hostility will not help and that is how you came across.

TheFallenMadonna · 10/03/2008 17:44

I think you need to make an appointment to go in and talk to her about the IEP. It's a perfectly acceptable, useful thing to do when a new teacher takes over the class. And then you can have a proper talk about your ds and get a better feel for how she is with him. The phone call was awkward for both of you. Face to face will be better, or at least more revealing.

Her suggestion that you grab her in the morning is a daft. Make an appointment.

ProfessorGrammaticus · 10/03/2008 19:04

Greeny what do you mean by your 4.30 post?

Do YOU think you overreact at times? (I am not suggesting you do/did, but of course none of us are with you in RL so I couldn't know how you come across - what do you/your friends think?) It's important to find a way to behave tht gets the best out of the staff and I think this can be really hard.