Divorce and school application

[Trek28]

I am going through a difficult divorce and need to make an application for our daughter’s school place, as she is due to start school in September 2024. The application needs to be made by the 16th January 2024. I am looking for advice from people who have been in this same situation.

Over the last 4 months I have tried to get a dialogue going over a school application, I have put forward a list of schools in our hometown on more than one occasion and given reasons why I would like our daughter to go to one of those schools. This list includes a school which we both agreed our daughter would attend before our relationship broke down.

Communication is very difficult; I never see my ex-wife and she will only communicate through her solicitor. She has not cooperated over schools and has only yesterday sent a solicitor’s letter giving her intentions.

Her letter says that she intends to go and live “longer term” with her mother and stepfather who live 20 miles away. They also live under a different local authority. My ex-wife has put forward a list of three schools all within 1.5 miles of this address. She is asking for my agreement on these schools and my agreement that she can put down her mother and stepfather’s address as the address for the school application.

I don’t understand how my ex-wife can do this and use her mother’s address for a school application. We currently have a court order in place that gives us 50:50 custody of our daughter and 50:50 use of the family home. We each spend 50% of the time with our daughter and have use of the family home while we are with her. My wife is today living in the family home, she pays her share of the mortgage, the bills and council tax and all her documents are registered at that address.

Does anyone know if this is possible?

@kiddosbedtimealready I see you demonstrating to the op that because he is a mere man he can't have any say in what occurs to his child. As someone who grew up with a father who did take on his child after a divorce and did so well I find this narrow-minded and out of date.

Once again you are tagging php its not even relevant to him so again you are aggressive. Many posters on this thread have said they have had solid and informative advice from php you ignore this . In my case php even took the time to support me in how to word the appeal off site. You are not showing any understanding of school admission just forging your view across while trying to bully others. Unpleasant to read and frankly dangerous for op who if he followed your lead could loose most of his contact with his dd.

Well said.

I also find it a bit rich that they are accusing OP of misogyny when they are clearly have favourism for mother's and seem to have an issue with father's having equal time with their children.

My DH has 50:50 custody with his ex so quite frankly I find opinions like this, that the mother should be the main carer, very hurtful and disrespectful to good dads. Especially considering in my situation the mother is a terrible parent.

Sure, there are deadbeat dads out there but there are also amazing dads and I'm sick of mothers thinking they can call the shots and the dad just needs to accept whatever scraps he's thrown because he doesn't have a golden uterus.

Well we will all have to agree to disagree won't we. It's an online chat forum. OP needs private independent legal advice. Not a chorus of dissenting voices on MN from people claiming expertise with their biases and preferences on display. He has to decide what kind of man he is. It's a hard question for every man.

Again, I don't understand why the mother using the address she lives at, her parents, can be fraud?
If they are nesting then no adults actually live there, it's like babysitting at the old home and terrible for the child, very confusing. Op doesn't seem to get this and has fought for this odd arrangement, remember he also lives with his parents. Only the child could be said to have that address but really not practical. It's not about mothers having power, but about what is best for the child.
Also don't see how anyone could read the ops posts and not see controlling behaviour towards the ex, but hey ho.

What matters for school admissions is not where the mother lives, it is where the child lives. That is the address you are required to use for admissions. It doesn't matter how odd the arrangement is. If OP's daughter is still living in the FMH in mid-January, that is the address that must be used. Using either mother's or father's address would be classed as a fraudulent application.

A further complication is that many LAs insist that, if the parent applying owns a house (including a house jointly owned), they must use that address. This is partly to combat parents who take on a short-term rent and claim it is their home address in an attempt to get their child into the school they want. Indeed, sometimes parents claim they have split up and that the child is living with one parent in rented accommodation or with their parents, only for the parents to reconcile and the child move back to the FMH after school offers come out. Again, insisting on using the address of the house owned by the parents is a way of combatting this. If the mother's LA is one of these, she must use the address of the FMH on any application for a school place even if her daughter is no longer living there (unless, of course, the FMH has been sold by mid-January, which seems unlikely).

Thank you, that makes sense now legally and the reasons why. I agree la's need to stop renting when you have no intention of living there permanently.

Where I live, you use the address where the child sleeps most of the time. If the child spends 50% of the time at two address, you can choose either address. Failing to choose an address (when there is a disagreement between coparents) results in the use of a random number generator to decide which application to progress. So where I live, if the OP's wife is living with the child 50% of the time at the Grandma's house by January, that's a valid address. The OP has to agree though. So not him agreeing looks very like controlling behaviour to me. I don't understand why people are saying that anti fraud mechanisms for where people are cheating the system apply here. Those things are not designed to prevent women leaving men. They are designed to stop people cheating the system by renting houses or lying about where they live, which the OP's wife doesn't seem to be doing. She just wants to move on by the looks of it!

@Fahbeep there has been some talking at cross-purposes and some misunderstanding, but the nub of the "fraud" angle is that the ExW wants to claim that DD's main address is her (exW's) parents house, whereas in fact the court ordered CAO is that the child lives full time in the FMH and only the ExW stays at the grandparents house generally, on days when OP is in the FMH doing his 50% of the parenting.

It would not be fraudulent if the CAO was ammended to make the maternal grandparents house be the child's main residence but that's not what is being proposed.

The conversation about what the new arrangements will be once the FMH is sold have not yet happened but they are irrelevant to the school application because they will not come into play until after the school application deadline.

@YireosDodeAver Eh? I understand what you've said, and why you say it, but the OP knows that they have to move on and the child isn't going to be living at the old house when the divorce finishes. So it's mental to base decisions around that address. The OP can agree a consent order any time he wants this year to update the living arrangements so that the child can live/sleep at the gran's for 50% or more of the time. The school application then follows. That's the real issue isn't it? OP letting his wife de-nest without complications. Why doesn't he just do that and support her settling into her next place for his daughter's benefit. The school application isn't really at the centre of it at all, and I don't like the idea of it being used as a reason to delay to keep his women were he wants them. Sorry, but it's not right.

Check which school 1.where you live and 2. Your ex lives have the best GCSE results and Ofsted Outstanding. Apply from that point. Your daughter well being is more important than you or your ex driving to pick her up. That is my take on it

It's not about his ex moving on, it's about her moving to a different LA leaving him with a long commute to take SD to school everyday then get to work on time in the opposite direction which would make the 50:50 schedule very difficult and potentially impossible depending on OPs working hours. Meanwhile mum has the convenience of the school being 5 minutes away.

The exWs proposal is that she moves to her parents and DD goes to a school that is convenient to her. OP choices are then to do the long commute with DD twice a day for school, reduce his contact to just weekends, or move away from the town he's lived in for a decade and get a new job. How is that proposal fair? I wouldn't be agreeing to that either.

Thank you for all the the posts and advice. Sorry I have not been back to this thread for a little while. This is a very stressful time and a very changing situation.

This post I am quoting here from @Laurdo is exactly how I see the situation. I don't want to stop my ex doing anything or control where she lives or anything like that. I am moving on with my life and I want her to be able to do so to.

However, we need to agree a way forward that works for all of us and that can work in the long term. It is also my view that any plans should respect our very detailed Child Arrangements Order that was agreed by all parties and the court.

The main development this week is I received communication that my ex no longer has a solicitor. However, she will still not have any direct dialogue with me. I feel that at least this removes one barrier in the communication. I have asked my solicitor to attempt to gently start a dialogue with her.

Is she just refusing to discuss the school application or is she refusing to speak to you at all?

I agree, you've been to court several times to have the current CAO in place so it would be stupid to make decisions that make carrying out the CAO difficult and you'd probably end up back on court.

If she had no other option but to move in with her parents because of lack of finances I'd have a bit more sympathy but that's not the case here. She's making an active decision to make sticking to the CAO more difficult for you.

She won't speak to me. I have been cautious of getting into the background of our separation as it has been awful and my ex has put me through hell with the courts and legal process. I want to be able to forgive her for it though and allow us to move forward.

We formally separated in February and solicitors became involved in March. I know from her financial disclosure that she has spent £42k since then pursuing me through the courts, it's crazy. I have not spent anything like that, for a long time I self-represented and have only used solicitors when I have really had too.

The problem was that she went on a complete character assignation, she kept trying to get me out of the house, despite the Child Arrangements Order being in place. She has taken me to court for an Occupation Order on our house and she took me to court for a Non-Molestation Order against herself.

Everything was based on lies and exaggerations. I have never and would never hurt anyone. I have barely seen my ex since the separation, and the last time I saw her in person was in May, when we were last in court.

I self-represented against the Non-Molestation Order but got completely beaten in the courtroom as she had employed a specialist non-mol barrister. She gained an interim Non-Molestation Order and a partial Occupation Order against me and I had to employ a solicitor to get me out of it.

Because I didn't want to go back to court and also because of the ridiculous expense of it all, I accepted undertakings from the court and those legally limit my communication with her. I have been scared of her coming up with further allegations against me, so I therefore completely avoid ever meeting her. We are allowed to communicate via a parenting app, but only for day-to-day matters concerning [name redacted].

It's all a disgusting messy waste of money and I feel ashamed about it all. But I have been dragged through it all at speed and I have had to make the best quick decisions I can.

@prh47bridge have you read the OPs latest updates? Do you see now why providing unregulated legal advice without proper instructions is dangerous.

OP. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you need to deal with all of this though your lawyer and through your lawyer only. Don't be swayed by any of the stuff on here. It's gossip and opinion, including from me.

Get proper legal advice. But do think about what is going to be left after the divorce ends, if you fight everything. Try to agree something and give some ground to get some back!

@kiddosbedtimealready The only legal advice I have given on this thread is that OP should try to agree the choice of schools with his ex and that, if they were unable to do so, it was open to either of them to seek a Specific Issue Order, with the courts deciding what is in their child's best interests. Do please explain in what way that is dangerous or incorrect.

When you are accepted at a school they will want to see her council tax and utility bills to show she is living there. If you show them she is not and she can't provide them then the place will be rescinded.

That is a very very good point

OP is your time with your child supervised?

A successful application for a non-molestation order means credible allegations of domestic violence done by you against your ex wife. By the sounds of it, you got the injunction lifted by giving undertakings to the Court (which are equivalent to injunctions - breach is contempt of Court, so still underpinned by credible allegations of DV).

You're not nesting are you, which requires cooperation and respect for each other. Your wife is trapped in the old house financially speaking because you won't let her go. This school application malarky is just another part of that. Let the poor woman go!

There is no supervision while she is in my care.

We operate on a 5/2/2/5 shared care arrangement, 50:50 care. We take it in turns to stay at the family home while we have our daughter in our care.

There was never a finding of fact hearing or any evidence presented. The Non-Molestation Order was granted as an interim order, pending a finding of fact. The court made the order purely on a statement from my ex. The order was in place for about a month.

The Occupation Order stipulated that we have locked bedrooms for privacy and so we have our own space within the house. So my ex has our former bedroom and ensuite with a lock on the door and I have a double bedroom with a lock on the door. Our daughter has the same bedroom she has always had.

I know it's crazy.

OP, let her go.

I find it interesting he never answered my post.

Both seem intent on making some family lawyers richer until they run out of money.

OP, it’s very strange that you posted 15 times before mentioning the Non-Molestation Order and Occupation Order. I find myself inclined to agree with @Fahbeep.You say it is a waste of money and you are ashamed, but you don’t appear to be changing your approach/ behaviour.

Sorry, there is a lot of posts. I'll go see if I can find it and do you a reply.

I didn't mention it originally as it wasn't relevant to the topic I was posting about. It is also a dealt with issue. I chose to mention it to provide some background.

Also I am very aware that I keep saying I want a dialogue/negotiation, and I am not sitting down myself and having a negotiation. The reason for this is because my ex has made it that I can't. I have to get someone else to do the negotiation for me.

Regarding my behaviour, I don't see anything wrong my behaviour. I want the best for our daughter and as her father want to be able have a role/say in her future.