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Original poster

Divorce and school application

213 replies

Trek28 · 21/10/2023 16:26

I am going through a difficult divorce and need to make an application for our daughter’s school place, as she is due to start school in September 2024. The application needs to be made by the 16th January 2024. I am looking for advice from people who have been in this same situation.

Over the last 4 months I have tried to get a dialogue going over a school application, I have put forward a list of schools in our hometown on more than one occasion and given reasons why I would like our daughter to go to one of those schools. This list includes a school which we both agreed our daughter would attend before our relationship broke down.

Communication is very difficult; I never see my ex-wife and she will only communicate through her solicitor. She has not cooperated over schools and has only yesterday sent a solicitor’s letter giving her intentions.

Her letter says that she intends to go and live “longer term” with her mother and stepfather who live 20 miles away. They also live under a different local authority. My ex-wife has put forward a list of three schools all within 1.5 miles of this address. She is asking for my agreement on these schools and my agreement that she can put down her mother and stepfather’s address as the address for the school application.

I don’t understand how my ex-wife can do this and use her mother’s address for a school application. We currently have a court order in place that gives us 50:50 custody of our daughter and 50:50 use of the family home. We each spend 50% of the time with our daughter and have use of the family home while we are with her. My wife is today living in the family home, she pays her share of the mortgage, the bills and council tax and all her documents are registered at that address.

Does anyone know if this is possible?

OP posts:
Blahahahah · 22/10/2023 20:14

Also how far away do your parents live from the house?

kiddosbedtimealready · 22/10/2023 20:18

Trek28 · 22/10/2023 20:05

Yes, our daughter lives in the FMH 100% of the time. I pushed for this as soon as we separated as I wanted our daughter to be stable remaining in her home. It was an informal arrangement that I put in place and then the court formalised it in our Child Arrangements Order.

When we are not in the FMH we each stay at our respective parents houses.

Just to be clear with the whole fraudulent application thing. I am not wanting to get my ex-wife in trouble or anything here. I just don't believe an application that way would be valid, and I wouldn't go along with it if it was wrong.

If your ex moved with DD in November/December to live with her Mum, and that was where DD was for your ex's 50% of the time; would you try to stop her leaving the old house that will soon be sold? If not, let it go, what will be gained by fighting this? I'm no family lawyer but I'm struggling to see a Judge preventing your ex from moving in with her mum to vacate the old house to allow a sale. And then to say school should be near mum's house, and then to adjust all your arrangements around that - so discuss it and agree something you can live with.

Boomboom22 · 22/10/2023 20:20

I don't see how it's fraud if she does live there. Your arrangement now is ridiculous and not healthy for the 4 Yr old to essentially have control of the house. You are trying to control your ex wife and child, it's more usual for the mother to do school applications so not sure why you are assuming you'd do the form anyway.

Original poster
Trek28 · 22/10/2023 20:22

My parents live 22 miles away, but again in a different direction.

Our hometown is actually a very fair and central point for both me and my ex-wife. From our hometown each of our commutes to work are about 20 miles. And each of our parents addresses are around 20 miles away.

OP posts:
Blahahahah · 22/10/2023 20:26

In your CAO who is deemed to be the main carer?

Blahahahah · 22/10/2023 20:26

How long did you both live in your current area?

Original poster
Trek28 · 22/10/2023 20:27

Blahahahah · 22/10/2023 20:26

In your CAO who is deemed to be the main carer?

There is no main carer. Everything is 50:50.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trek28 · 22/10/2023 20:28

Blahahahah · 22/10/2023 20:26

How long did you both live in your current area?

I have lived 10+ years, my ex-wife has lived there with me for 8 years.

OP posts:
kiddosbedtimealready · 22/10/2023 20:34

I don't think where your parents live is relevant as you're not planning for DD to go to school there. Your ex is going to be the main carer. She wants to live near her mum where she has support. Do the right thing and don't try to stop her. Be happy for your DD that she will be with her Gran, which thinking about it is probably the point (child care to facilitate ex's work). Don't be that guy who fucks it up for everybody by insisting on their preferred outcome being the only acceptable outcome, driving up legal costs, running down assets and leaving nothing be barren battle scarred land. You will still see your DD.

Blahahahah · 22/10/2023 20:35

I think it is a gamble what the court will decide, but it's obvious the current order is untenable for your ex wife

Blahahahah · 22/10/2023 20:36

I was asking about the grandparents to establish if the OP had support near or not.

kiddosbedtimealready · 22/10/2023 20:38

And you need to build your own new life to be happy. DD will be a part of that, but entering into an intense argument over the school location is unlikely to make you happy.

Original poster
Trek28 · 22/10/2023 20:48

kiddosbedtimealready · 22/10/2023 20:38

And you need to build your own new life to be happy. DD will be a part of that, but entering into an intense argument over the school location is unlikely to make you happy.

Thank you for the advise. We have now been separated for nearly a year and I have recently managed to make my peace with it. I have established a new routine and have rekindled some old hobbies and reconnected with old friends.

I don't at all want an intense argument over this schools issue. But I do want to be able to put my view and stand up for what I feel is best for my daughter.

I don't want to control my ex-wife and I hope she can move forward positively too. If she wants to move and live with her mum at any time, I can't and wouldn't stop it.

OP posts:
Laurdo · 22/10/2023 20:56

Surely living with her parents isn't a long term plan. My concern would be she moves into her own house and your DD has to move schools again. But similarly, you could put DD into a school near your current house then end up with neither of you living there if you're still with your parents.

After the house is sold are you both going to be in a position to buy your own houses? What area is more affordable, your current area or where her parents are.

Whattodo112222 · 22/10/2023 20:57

I think you need to look at all the facts here tbh.
The fmh will be sold, so she will have to move anyway. She's choosing to move to an area where she has a support network, not 500 miles away.
If she is prepared to facilitate the contact for you then you can't find excuses in doing some extra driving.
Your daughter will make new friendships in school, go to new clubs, have new hobbies.
I think you need to be careful if you go to court because it really is luck of the draw.
The nesting arrangement isn't healthy and will be more difficult once your daughter goes to school.

Blahahahah · 22/10/2023 20:59

So what's your ideal...forget the nesting, that seems done. So for half the time your daughter lives somewhere with you somewhere and then half the time over with your ex near her parents? When the house sells, will you still live in the current area? Whose name is the child benefit in?

Original poster
Trek28 · 22/10/2023 21:08

Laurdo · 22/10/2023 20:56

Surely living with her parents isn't a long term plan. My concern would be she moves into her own house and your DD has to move schools again. But similarly, you could put DD into a school near your current house then end up with neither of you living there if you're still with your parents.

After the house is sold are you both going to be in a position to buy your own houses? What area is more affordable, your current area or where her parents are.

I really don't know if her living with parents is a long term plan.

I will be able to buy a new property once the FMH is sold. I want to remain in our hometown. I plan to rent for a year or two. I have already investigated the local rental market and will be able to move directly from the FMH to a rental.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 22/10/2023 21:25

kiddosbedtimealready · 22/10/2023 20:34

I don't think where your parents live is relevant as you're not planning for DD to go to school there. Your ex is going to be the main carer. She wants to live near her mum where she has support. Do the right thing and don't try to stop her. Be happy for your DD that she will be with her Gran, which thinking about it is probably the point (child care to facilitate ex's work). Don't be that guy who fucks it up for everybody by insisting on their preferred outcome being the only acceptable outcome, driving up legal costs, running down assets and leaving nothing be barren battle scarred land. You will still see your DD.

They have 50:50 care. Why are you saying that the ex is going to be the main carer?

Original poster
Trek28 · 22/10/2023 21:27

Yes, when the house sells I want to remain in the same town.

The Child Benefit is a whole other confusion i'm afraid. My ex-wife is currently in receipt of it. But as part of our financial agreement, that is still yet to be signed off by the court, she is surrendering her claim and passing it to me. This is because she is a high earner and I am not. She has become liable to pay a Child Benefit tax charge, so she is giving up her claim.

OP posts:
Laurdo · 22/10/2023 21:28

Trek28 · 22/10/2023 21:08

I really don't know if her living with parents is a long term plan.

I will be able to buy a new property once the FMH is sold. I want to remain in our hometown. I plan to rent for a year or two. I have already investigated the local rental market and will be able to move directly from the FMH to a rental.

Show quote history

And what about your wife? Is she in a position to get her own place after the house sale?

I can't imagine many adults would want to live with their parents if they could afford their own place but obviously I don't know her.

I would say you should both compromise and choose somewhere midway between your support circles. But that's pretty much where your current house is already. I don't think it's fair that she gets to dictate that that DD goes to school near her support circle which is even further away from yours. You both need to discuss long term plans to avoid DD moving schools again or being stuck with huge commutes.

SheilaFentiman · 22/10/2023 21:28

Boomboom22 · 22/10/2023 20:20

I don't see how it's fraud if she does live there. Your arrangement now is ridiculous and not healthy for the 4 Yr old to essentially have control of the house. You are trying to control your ex wife and child, it's more usual for the mother to do school applications so not sure why you are assuming you'd do the form anyway.

What?

If parents live together, either can do the form.

If they don’t, then the majority carer does the form; if 50:50, they agree who does the form, from which address.

But in this instance, on the 16th Jan 2024 deadline, both parents will still have the FMH as their address. Mortgage, bills, child benefit, payslips…

Blahahahah · 22/10/2023 21:29

@SheilaFentiman the reality is that one of them will become the main carer especially if dragging to court repeatedly to resolve issues. Someone needs to fill the forms in, register at doctors, take to appointments, be first point of contact for schools. I believe in the absence of it being defined in the CAO, it is assumed to be the person who receives/applied for child benefit.

SheilaFentiman · 22/10/2023 21:31

In the event of a dispute between parents about which is the child’s main address for school application in 50:50 care, the address of the parent who gets CB is sometimes deemed to be the main address.

But it all seems rather irrelevant as the child’s main address will be the FMH on 16 Jan 2024.

Original poster
Trek28 · 22/10/2023 21:35

Laurdo · 22/10/2023 21:28

And what about your wife? Is she in a position to get her own place after the house sale?

I can't imagine many adults would want to live with their parents if they could afford their own place but obviously I don't know her.

I would say you should both compromise and choose somewhere midway between your support circles. But that's pretty much where your current house is already. I don't think it's fair that she gets to dictate that that DD goes to school near her support circle which is even further away from yours. You both need to discuss long term plans to avoid DD moving schools again or being stuck with huge commutes.

Show quote history

Yes, my wife will be in a position to get her own place too once the house is sold.

If she remains at her parents house it will definitely be out of choice.

She will have money from the sale of the FMH. She is also a higher earner and has a company car supplied by her employer. She will have money and a good income to do as she chooses.

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 22/10/2023 21:46

It doesn't sound like you're going to agree. You're at opposite ends of the table..
Your biggest challenge is getting the matter in court before the application deadline. You can only request for an emergency hearing after you file an application.

You are both at polar ends at the moment, the longer you both draw out a reasonable discussion like adults the more disruption it will cause your daughter. If she moves and gets your daughter into the chosen school and then you issue an application and she's forced to move back and put your daughter in your local school its going to cause so much disruption.
You've really got to think about this before you take it to Court, especially if you've already been there and it's been acrimonious.