Dangerous behaviour towards my son

[wednamenov]

Two weeks ago my son was attacked by another child at school (primary). Viciously.He came out ok, but honestly, it was serious enough that if a blow or kick had landed slightly differently an ambulance would have had to be called. His attacker is autistic, so it's not his fault and not about bullying. However, despite adult supervision, this happened. Basically, the child is very fast and very strong. In the two weeks since, my son has been attacked twice more by the same child. The second two incidents he was shoved to the ground. My issue is that despite the fact we were so lucky after the first incident that it wasn't so much worse, and despite awareness at the school and adults present, this child has made aggressive contact twice more. I have expressed my fears and stated the impacts this is having on my son in very clear terms to the school. I don't believe they can guarantee my son's safety even if they do their very very best. What do I do next? How would you handle this?

I think you need to avoid words like “provoke” because they imply somehow that ds is to blame. (I’ve read back and I’m sorry if I’ve given the impression in anyway that that is the case. It certainly isn’t and my child was in a similar position so I really feel for you both). I think it helps to look at what is “triggering” the assaults. Of course school and ds can change what they are doing within reason but only so far and it would be an accommodation and should be presented as such.

DS's best friend is neurodiverse and can be incredibly violent towards his parents but not other children. His parents live in fear of it spilling over into school, and they are incredibly careful when DS comes to play at their house, which is often.

Conversely, I've spent a lot of time talking with DS about adjusting his expectations, understanding his friend processes information differently etc. He does have a different relationship with him, but one he values and looks forward to going to play all the time. I also have two close friends with neurodiverse children.

To be honest, I think my personal contact with neurodiversity has clouded my approach to this issue and I've been feeling overwhelmingly sorry for the child and his parents and it's created a conflict in me and I should have been much firmer earlier on. It took @lunar1 s direct simplification of it to clear my head and adjust my focus.

My focus now is zero tolerance for any risk to safety irrespective of inclusion issues.

And this school has been here before. A few years ago a child had to be moved to a special school after parents created a very public UGLY stink on social media about his behaviour in the class. My children were not affected at all at that stage. The school is too small and has no special resources to cope with children who are very aggressive. But they have been wonderful with the neurodiverse kids who are NOT violent, and all the children are very accepting of difference. It's the violence that's the problem. The school is lucky they're dealing with me and it's not on social media, but I've warned them that that's where it will definitely end up if a different child is hurt because that what a small community is like and it happens often with other things.

That's why I put 'provoke' in quote marks. My son did nothing to provoke behaviour. Even the simple words, 'Please stop swearing' are completely benign and non-aggressive. I don't even think they qualify as trying to 'correct a child's behaviour' in line with the schools directive, any more than a hurried, 'Oh stop it' would be. Especially in the context of a physical game.

@AnnaTortoiseshell

*I’m not saying you’re not doing that, I’m backing you up and encouraging you not to doubt yourself. He is lucky to have an advocate like you.
*
Thank you.This thread has really helped me feel confident that taking my own fears seriously is the right thing to do and I shouldn't feel conflicted or doubt myself.

@Alopeciabop I hope the HT pulls her finger out. Your son should not have to live with level of fear on a daily basis.

Still waiting for a reply which is unusual. Usually, the head responds within an hour or so with an email that contains at least one government slogan, some trite reference to policy, plus something self-congratulatory about how amazing the school is. She's quite incredible in her ability to say nothing at all relevant to the parents, but try claim a bit of credit on the off chance her boss (I assume) ever sees the comms.

I think the silence is a good sign. I think it might mean she's covering her arse big-time. Among other things, I explicitly demanded that she put it in writing that she understood exactly what my worry was; namely, that the violence was explosive and unpredictable and could cause life-changing injuries to a child PLUS the school had been unable prevent repeated subsequent physical contact. I asked that if she believed I was mistaken that she needed to tell me clearly why I was worrying unnecessarily.

My next step depends on how she replies.

Honestly take him out. If you think the next step could be any of those things you listed. Remove him immediately.

I don’t like the sound of the social media and ganging up to remove children from the school at all. It sounds horrible and not something to be encouraged or participated in on any level. Confronting someone about their behaviour or language is always going to be confrontational so school need to think about, if it’s appropriate and how it is done.
To effect change your focus needs to be entirely on ds and his experience. You don’t need to think about solutions for the other child or feel you are being unkind in drawing the line at violence.

Ds would like to play football at playtime.
Three times this school year he has got into conflict with one player.
The first time was extremely worrying/dangerous and though things have improved (less violent) they have not resolved.
What has been put in place to allow him to play footy safely?

Just had a reply. I need to go breathe deeply and think carefully.

Opening paragraph:

Children’s safety at XXXX is and always will be a main priority of mine. XXXXX is an inclusive school following [named council] Guidelines. [Title of inclusion policy guidelines] which I have attached for your information.

Then goes on to outline what they have done for DS, most of which is around my son's emotional impacts, which have helped. Mainly because they validated his experience- which hadn't really been done. Only extra thing they have done to address direct physical risk is adult supervision of football at break.

No explicit acknowledgement that the harm could be life changing, no acknowledgement that there were two more contacts after the first and that adult supervision did not prevent either. I asked her to specifically acknowledge that that was my concern or to specifically tell me why I was worrying for nothing. I asked for this in writing, and I even put it in bold.

She concludes

I acknowledge your email and your continued concern regarding [DS] Safety. The above measures were put in place on Thursday and, to date, have proven to be successful. We, the staff at [school name], review the impact of interventions/supports in order to adapt to need and this will apply to those listed above.

I’d reply asking how often the interventions/supports are reviewed. You never asked for the inclusion policy, all you requested was for them to put in writing how they intend to keep your DS safe, she’s playing with words in her response without giving direct answers. Each LA in Scotland has a specific complaints format for parents you should find it on their website and escalate to the second level, well, that’s what I would do.

Edited to add I worked with Education Complaints in Scotland and they’re often brushed under the carpet by HTs

Well done for pushing on. However you reply I would make sure to acknowledge that you will be involving the police if there are any further incidents which the heat teacher should be ok with if she's so sure her new steps implemented to protect your son will work although steps so far haven't.
Don't forget that although the boy has a right to education and inclusion so does yours but also safety and never feel guilty being his advocate. Let the other childs parent advocate for him and not feel guilty on protecting yours

That is not a very reassuring reply when you read between the lines. It is immediately invalidating that she has highlighted their policy on inclusion - it shows she is missing the point entirely and is hoping that this will be enough to guilt you into backing down. Inclusion is absolutely important but this is not what successful inclusion looks like - a child being able to attack another child on a number of occasions.

I think I would make it clear that you don't think the steps taken give you adequate reassurance that this will not happen again and that the email response doesn't reassure you that the situation is being taken as seriously as it should be. Therefore you will be discussing the matter further with the governing body and potentially Ofsted. I would also go to town on the inclusion guidelines she has attached and use them to prove that the school isn't very inclusive. For example most inclusion guidelines include something about all students feeling safe - that is not true of school. (Feel free to screenshot the inclusion policy - I'm sure it will just back up why they are, in fact, not an inclusive space).

Turn her use of the guidelines back on her. Highlight every phrase / statement within the policy in which they are failing your son and ask her once again to state why inclusion only seems to matter for those with SEND needs.

You also aren’t happy with the response she has given so please begin the escalation process. This can’t immediately be whacked to Ofsted unless the policy in Scotland is different - governors first and the continue to push higher.

It sounds awful but it really is proof of what teachers have been saying for years - inclusion is more damaging than successful. It’s the last and cheapest option. I’d also be curious as to what de escalation training staff have had at your child’s school. I’ve worked in education for 10+ years and never had any (a limited amount at uni when it was still ok to restrain students).

@Ninjettea - the only additional measure is adult supervision of break time football. Only one of the incidents occurred during break time football. The other two were during adult supervised PE. She won't acknowledge that adult supervision failed to prevent the most serious attack, and then again the subsequent attack. And she's 'fixed it' by adding supervision to break time. How does this make sense? Is there any point waiting for a review of a measure when that measure is nothing different? And that will trigger the review? Another kick in the face?

@MapelMoon Yes, I think I am implicitly being told to accommodate a degree of risk because of inclusion. Compromise. How can I? Good, this is awful.

I've written to my councillor for names to escalate it to.

@GiantPandaAttacks - I'm trying to find out the safety policy as well. I think she'll argue they've done a lot to make DS FEEL safe. My concern isn't that, it is his actual literal physical safety.

@wednamenov recognise the GIRFEC stuff.

I think you are on a hiding to nothing complaining about the other child although I totally get that as a parent that is your default position. School will (in my experience) shut down any discussion about the other child, won't discuss any action or sanctions they are taking against him, whether they are talking to the parents etc etc etc.

All you can do is concentrate fully on what they are doing to keep your child safe. GIRFEC applies - as the name suggests - to EVERY CHILD, not just the ones with additional needs. If there are other children in the class who are not being kept safe either then maybe speak to those parents.

We had a child like this in my youngest's class in P2/P3 stage and it was a nightmare, although my child was never really affected as this child preferred to bully/attack the girls, it was awful. If you are not getting results from the head, there should be a safeguarding person in the local authority that you can escalate too. Not sure whether Parent Council can have any influence here?

“What do you want to happen?” Is a really good starting point for what action to take (if any).

Both children are being failed here.

There will be something triggering the other kid's aggressiveness - whether that is sensory overwhelm or more subtle bullying (to note I'm not implying that your kid is to blame - just that autistic kids are vulnerable to bullying and someone might be).

The quicker the cause gets figured out, the easier it will be to sort. Letting things slide isn't going to help anyone.

I’m just going out and will reply when I get back. Here’s two links to GIRFEC. Every child has the right to be educated in a safe environment.

Principles and Values

https://www.gov.scot/policies/girfec/principles-and-values/

SHANARRI

https://www.gov.scot/policies/girfec/wellbeing-indicators-shanarri/

Can I give you my advice. My parents have been absent from my upbringing since I went to the a boarding school at the age of 11. Children are very cruel and sadistic. It's a hard truth which I learnt. I was bullied and picked on. Once a housemaster told me "no one will help if you don't learn to stand on your feet". So being shy and introverted I developed a tactic which worked brilliantly.

If someone picks on you never talk back go straight for the eye. If someone hits you hit them back preferably in the face. You might be in trouble once but never ever will anyone pick on you again.
So take a pillow and practice some punches.

If they think they’re getting it right for every child and being inclusive by allowing this to continue, then they’re very wrong.

No one wants to have a burn-out or meltdown. It’s physically, mentally and emotionally draining. No one wants to be physically assaulted either. Both of these children need to be safeguarded and the school are not ensuring that this is the case.

If you’ve already spoken to the Headteacher, then it’s now time for the governors. After this though, if it was my child, I would move her out of that school. They’re failing on meeting the basic needs of both children, so what other things are they failing to provide?

Last two posters...

Hitting back isn't really the answer, is it? All that will happen is that the OP's child is the one in trouble.

OP is clear she is in Scotland. We do not have governors.

My 2 boys are autistic and we've always said violence is unacceptable. They are at primary. I'm sorry but even safeguarding say diagnosis, neurodiversity is not an excuse. If is then the future will be very bleak and dark.

As mentioned get a safeguarding plan in place. All the best.

This would give the school room to argue that my child is partially responsible. But even that aside, this wouldn't work with this child. When he's in that agitated state, I dint think he feels fear, pain, or any level of consciousness. He just lashes out at anyone in a state of pure adrenaline and wild emotion. It's this that makes him scary and risky to others, but also why it's not his fault.

What I've learned is that our council does not have a safety policy in their education department. The 'Inclusion Policy' doubles as the safety policy. You can see how addressing risk within the context of 'inclusion' shifts the focus from the victim to the perpetrator. I've never been a fan of the SNP, but not so much that I get worked up about it. But this document is a bit absurd.

For example, the word 'risk' appears first in the context of teachers using force against a child. "The use of force against another person constitutes an assault" - so risk, here, is to teachers if they use force. It can be used if "the young person is or is about to present a danger to other people" or if there is a risk to property. It interests me that they avoid words like risk, or threat in relation to a person, but not an object. Again, I think minimising the fundamental principle of safety.

Then this: "Seclusion is regarded as a punitive approach." and "Seclusion should not be used in X Council educational establishments." To further specify what seclusion means ...

Terminology with reference to practices involving various forms of seclusion include:-

time out, exclusion, segregation, seclusion, safe-space, chill out room, de-escalation room, quiet room, calming room, garden time, solitary, inclusive exclusion

So a child who kicks another in the head during PE cannot be 'excluded' from PE.

The emphasis is very much focussed on keeping kids with behavioural issues fully included in all school activities, with not much reflection on impact of behavioural issues on other children. The absence of a discussion of risk avoids any grappling with the consequences of this policy.

I don't think my son can be kept safe using the education framework, so where do I turn next?