DS not invited to his school mate’s birthday party and feels hurt. What shall we do?

[SillySmart]

DS plays well with another boy in his class and considers him as one of his good friends. So when DS had a small birthday party earlier in the year, that boy was among 10 kids invited. Now it’s that boy birthday party and DS was not invited, while others were all invited. DS feels hurt/betrayed and even cried when he told us this😂 So we said if you are not happy you should say it and should ask that boy yourself why you were not invited. So he asked and that boy said he was invited. DS then was in strong belief that he could go to that party. To clarify we messaged that boy’s mum just to make sure. But his mum just ignored the message…

Not to blame or complain, but as a parent, what should we do and what should we tell kids in this type of situations? Also, is it a big deal if you invite someone to your birthday party, but are not invited to his/her birthday party? I mean should we invite that boy again for DS next birthday party or exclude him? It’s kind of awkward now…

Your poor DS. Maybe there is another reason for it that the mum doesn't want to go into?

I did something like this, where I told DS he could invite 9 friends, not realising there were 10 boys in his class.

The boy's mum approached me and asked if there was a reason for it. I felt terrible. It was a party at a local play place and the max was 10. This was 10 years ago and I still feel awful about it.

Depending on the age I’m not sure asking the boy why he was not invited was the best course of action. I knew you were going to say the kid then invited him before I read it. Which then puts the parent in a difficult position - they might not be able to afford another child at the party.
I feel for your son - he wasn’t invited, then he was but still can’t go as he actually hasn’t been invited.
I don’t think it was awkward up to that point.
I’ve been in this situation this year with my eldest. I explained to him that he won’t get invited to every party and that doesn’t mean they’re not friends just that there might be restrictions to numbers. He later invited the child to his birthday - he wouldn’t have been invited is numbers were more of an issue but they weren’t. No awkwardness.
We did do something nice the day of the party so he had something special to talk about the week after.

How old is your son? It’s done now but I wouldn’t have told him to ask the boy and then let him think he was invited - a young kid would have felt awkward/on the spot and might have just said ‘oh you are invited’ as they were embarrassed.

I generally just tell my kids ‘oh well I’m sorry Jack didn’t invite you - we can’t all go to every party, can we? You didn’t invite everyone to your party either! Never mind.’ I mean your son only invited 10 kids to his party - would you have been happy for a child he didn’t invite to ‘let them know they’re unhappy and ask why they aren’t invited?’ It’s just life. Affirm his disappointment but help him move along.

You need to not make a big deal of it. "Oh we'll never mind" and distract.

I can't think at any place where it would have a good outcome asking your ds to ask why he wasn't invited.

You clearly were after an invite when you got him to ask. It's not fair to put young children in that situation where there isn't a good answer. How would you respond if someone came up to you out of the blue and ask why you didn't invite them to something? Not easy to think of something tactful and true is it?

Don't make it bigger than you need to. If your ds wants to invite him, you do. if he doesn't you don't. What you don't do is make thing about not inviting him to your ds or he thinks tit for tat is the way to go.

I think the only thing you do in this situation, is explain to DS that not everyone gets invited to everything. You invite who you want to your party, but you can't expect an invitation in return.

This.
We didn’t invite a boy to our son’s party one year because he was disruptive and our son didn’t want him there. The father actually asked me why his son hadn’t been invited, and I think that’s really rude, to expect to be invited. I wanted to say that it’s because he’s a little shit, but I didn’t.

It was a mistake to tell him to ask. That's not a conversation his friend was likely equipped to have, and in any event it may not have been his decision (eg if they were keeping numbers low due to costs).

It's nice to try to invite people who invited you but people generally understand that not everyone has large parties. In terms of what to do next time, if your son still plays with this boy then absolutely invite him. None of it needs to be a big deal.

You shouldn't have had your son ask that boy, and you shouldn't have contacted the mum. We can't be invited to everything, that's just the way it is. It can be hurtful and disappointing but it's a part of life we all have to learn to cope with.

We have a saying for this in our house - “NFI” - Not Fucking Invited.

It helps laugh it off a bit. It’s a disappointing but important lesson that we’re not all invited to everything.

Yes of course he shouldn't ask why he wasn't invited. He wasn't invited full stop. If the other boy decided he was annoying or immature or he doesn't really like him how would you feel if he said that? "Yeah John you're not invited because I find you boring/annoying/hate your guts".

What you say to your son: you will not be invited to everything. That's life. You take it on the chin when you're not. Just like you won't always invite all the class to your parties.

You need to teach him resilience here. Otherwise the world of primary/secondary/real life will be a constant problem for him.

If he wasn’t invited you should have just said never mind, we can’t all go to every party and I’m sure we will have a nice time doing xyz that day. It was unfair to get him to ask the boy why he would admit invited and then to message the parent.

I would be petty as f**k and take him somewhere much better than a birthday party 🤣

😲😲😲😲
Why on earth did you get him to ask the question?

With your behaviour in the future, you carry on as you would normally

When you say all others were invited, do you mean every boy in the class or every boy who had come to your son’s party?
If it’s every other boy in the class, no wonder he cried. If it’s every other boy who’d come to his party, it’s just something he’ll have to live with. Try and distract them.

Wow!

so so so many reasons why he might not have been invited.

You DON’T ask the child why and you DO NOT message the parent. Hideous behaviour from you.

Distract your son, console him for sure. Not everyone gets invited to everything. That’s so normal. All you’ve done is draw attention to it and undoubtably made everyone feel worse.

I don't think it needs to be tit for tat. If your DS likes the boy and would have fun with him, then by all means invite him to DSs birthday next year.

Friendships ebb and flow throughout school, so I wouldn't be writing anyone off.

Appreciate everyone’s reply. The slight difference here is DS considers that boy as one of his best friends in school. That’s why he felt so sad. If it was another kid in the class, DS would fully understand that he won’t be invited to everyone’s birthday party and have no issues at all.

My initial thought was since he is your good friend, you should let him know your feelings.

And I feel like this is a question not just for kids, but for adults as well. What do you do when your good friend hurts your feeling?😂

But anyway agree with all, this is a valuable experience for DS to realise life is not always what he wants

How old?

You should of just said maybe he isn't allowed many people etc. You should not have got your son to ask, you put the other child on the spot and he may have said your son was invited as he didn't want to upset him. If he was really invited he would have got an invite with the others and his mum ignoring your message is probably her way of ignoring a embarrassing situation.

Unfortunately, considering someone as one of your best friends, doesn't mean they see you the same.

Can't believe you made him ask! Shocked that was your first idea/response.

He is 8

True

Did you read my other post that DS and the other boy are good friends? Or even they are good friends, you still think it’s a ridiculous idea to ask?

I see everyone is saying it’s a bad idea to ask DS to talk to that boy, but I’m still not convinced. Again I’m talking about between good friends. When a good friend of yours hurt your feelings, do you not want to talk to him, or you just keep quiet and let it go? I still feel I will do something.