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Primary education

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Original poster

DS not invited to his school mate’s birthday party and feels hurt. What shall we do?

106 replies

SillySmart · 11/07/2022 21:53

DS plays well with another boy in his class and considers him as one of his good friends. So when DS had a small birthday party earlier in the year, that boy was among 10 kids invited. Now it’s that boy birthday party and DS was not invited, while others were all invited. DS feels hurt/betrayed and even cried when he told us this😂 So we said if you are not happy you should say it and should ask that boy yourself why you were not invited. So he asked and that boy said he was invited. DS then was in strong belief that he could go to that party. To clarify we messaged that boy’s mum just to make sure. But his mum just ignored the message…

Not to blame or complain, but as a parent, what should we do and what should we tell kids in this type of situations? Also, is it a big deal if you invite someone to your birthday party, but are not invited to his/her birthday party? I mean should we invite that boy again for DS next birthday party or exclude him? It’s kind of awkward now…

OP posts:

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RockinHorseShit · 12/07/2022 23:30

My DD was on the receiving end of this stuff too often. What you need to do is play it down & make sure you have an exciting treat panned for the day of the party, so your DS is too busy & happy to give it a second thought & has even more exiting stories to tell. If the lack of invite is malicious, I'd be tempted to invite another kid who is invited to the party to a more exciting day out

DuckBilledPlattyJoobs · 12/07/2022 23:32

betrayed. Sheesh 🙄

Aquamarine1029 · 12/07/2022 23:58

The fact that this boy's mum didn't respond to your message should have told you everything you need to know. I think you're being deliberately obtuse.

Bunce1 · 13/07/2022 07:34

RockinHorseShit · 12/07/2022 23:30

This is some fucked io hair right here.

what a terrible example to set your child. Shame on you.

Bunce1 · 13/07/2022 07:35

*fucked up shit

RockinHorseShit · 13/07/2022 07:40

This is some fucked io hair right here.

what a terrible example to set your child. Shame on you.

I take it yours was never bullied. I take it you are also a walk over & never stand up for yourself.

Its amazing though how taking 2 DCs away from a boring party, for a zoo trip with the DC who wasn't invited & had her nose rubbed in it for weeks by her bullies, soon stops repeat behaviour

AnneElliott · 13/07/2022 07:49

I don't think you should have got your DS to ask op - you put the other boy in a really difficult position. Maybe he was told only a few kids and found it hard to decide between them.

And now you've messaged the parent as the birthday boy has felt obliged to offer an invitation! But it's his parents that are paying for it!!

I agree with the majority that you should have distracted your DS while acknowledging that he was upset. And it's not the same as an adult speaking to a friend about being upset by something- these are kids of 8!

Kanaloa · 13/07/2022 07:51

RockinHorseShit · 13/07/2022 07:40

This is some fucked io hair right here.

what a terrible example to set your child. Shame on you.

I take it yours was never bullied. I take it you are also a walk over & never stand up for yourself.

Its amazing though how taking 2 DCs away from a boring party, for a zoo trip with the DC who wasn't invited & had her nose rubbed in it for weeks by her bullies, soon stops repeat behaviour

But this child isn’t being repeatedly bullied etc. He hasn’t been invited to one party by one child. He himself had a party which only 10 children were invited to - was he bullying every boy not invited who wanted to be invited? OP has already made herself look pretty bad by making her son interrogate the child and then taking his embarrassed answer as a confirmation of invitation and messaging the mother as such. Doing something as bizarre as trying to get another child to not attend the party and go for a day out with her son will ensure he’s never invited to anything ever again because nobody wants to deal with his mother.

EarringsandLipstick · 13/07/2022 07:54

My initial thought was since he is your good friend, you should let him know your feelings.

OP, I'm so shocked that you put your DS in that position.

He (and the friend) are only 8. They can't take this course of action as an adult can.

You put your DS in a vulnerable position & actually made the whole thing worse. It's also really unfair on the other boy.

I have 3 DC and as other posters have said, have had to weather the different friendship travails. It's hard. As parents we'd like to 'fix' everything - but we can't.
Regarding parties, you just let it go, as long as they are going to at least some.

I know you see this boy as your son's best friend which changes it here. It does seem like that's not reciprocated though. That's really painful but you need to support your DS & his self-esteem, not try to focus on the choices the other family has made.

Your text to the mum was completely inappropriate.

RockinHorseShit · 13/07/2022 07:55

But this child isn’t being repeatedly bullied etc.

@Kanaloa if you read my post again, you will see that I wrote if malicious. Ofc you don't do that if your DC just hasn't been invited

Bunce1 · 13/07/2022 07:56

Um….that’s quite the leap!

I think you’re very traumatised from you’re own experiences and really projecting here. I’m sorry for your child’s bullying. I really am. I hope things are better now.

I still think you’re behaviour is not one to replicate. But you’re right I have not been in your shoes.

Kanaloa · 13/07/2022 07:59

RockinHorseShit · 13/07/2022 07:55

But this child isn’t being repeatedly bullied etc.

@Kanaloa if you read my post again, you will see that I wrote if malicious. Ofc you don't do that if your DC just hasn't been invited

So in this situation it’s irrelevant really. Not being invited to a party isn’t malicious and op’s behaviour has been a poor reaction. Either way I wouldn’t be poaching kids from parties in the same way if my kid was being bullied I wouldn’t go into a playground and chase the kids away - I’d liaise with the school and consider moving my child rather than stoop to join the petty games.

pilates · 13/07/2022 08:00

I can understand why your DS and you are upset but you went round it completely the wrong way and made the situation worse.

SeasonFinale · 13/07/2022 08:07

Your child isn't being bullied.

He may considered the party boy to be a good friend but at 8 that doesn't mean party boy considers your son to be his good friend.

As his mum you handled it badly and have made matters worse by getting your child to confront the other child. Then further by contacting the parent.

Time to draw a line under it now and accept that your DS will not be invited to every party and that his perception of who is one of his top 10 friends doesn't match the party boys list of his top friends.

mirrorballer · 13/07/2022 08:07

@SillySmart they're at an age where they aren't calling the shots and controlling the guest list, the parents are. So the boy could have been told final numbers and is now in a really awkward situation at school with your son.
So whilst I totally get you are trying to encourage your son to talk about his feelings and share with friends if he's upset, this wasn't the time and has probably made things worse.

icelollycraving · 13/07/2022 08:11

It is not bullying! That is completely out of line.
Getting your son to ask was setting him up to feel more hurt. Parties are expensive. Perhaps they aren’t as close as you thought.
Messaging the mum and her not replying gives you a very clear answer.
Sometimes it’s hurtful to not be included but it was your job to smooth things out, explain not everyone can be invited and do something with him on the day.

ElbowGreaseLightning · 13/07/2022 08:13

If I could go back in time, I’d pull more mums up on their shitty behaviour.

My DS was very good friends with someone and was invited over to celebrate his birthday. It turned out that there were 2 parties. The B list played in the garden and had cake, and the A list went bowling and had a sleep over. Guess which one mine was on? Afterwards my DS realised his friend was fake and took a massive step back, which I’m really proud of. Another boy was deeply hurt by this. It depends on the personality of the child on the receiving end I suppose.

Not over a party, but it did take me to year 7 to pull up a mum on her crap behaviour and she’s not spoken to me since.

In the past my DC have wanted to exclude someone and I’ve said absolutely not. I’ve seen parents tell other mums that their DC is included, but they have to stay and supervise them.

PersonaNonGarter · 13/07/2022 08:15

CavernousScream · 12/07/2022 22:13

As the parent hasn’t replied to your message, I’d be wondering if it’s a parents thing rather than a kids thing. It’s not very socially astute of you to get your son to ask the boy and then send that text, so I wonder if you’ve made a few other social errors and the other parents aren’t keen.

I know this is harsh ^ but it is on the money. Your advice to your DS was completely age inappropriate. And then your behaviour was inappropriate. And now your response to this thread is weird - BFF’s or not, this was not a discussion for 8yos, not should you ‘still do something’ about it.

Sorry OP but there are some real parenting issues here. You need to help your child be emotionally strong and take the knocks, not try to control other people and who they have to parties.

MsTSwift · 13/07/2022 08:17

You’ve basically modelled exactly what not to do op!

Our worst party disaster were the parents who invited 12 girls only 2 not invited to sleepover - birthday girl spent afternoon crowing about sleepover fun. Two parents collect the rejects. Dd2 a sunny laid back kid arrived home in floods. She said she would have preferred not to have been invited at all. Dh was furious. We never mentioned it to parents but I hate that woman and always will.

Rooroobear · 13/07/2022 08:31

Close to bullying…..wow. Smh

Pleaseletmeconfirm · 13/07/2022 08:34

I don't think you handled it badly OP. I think I'd have possibly done the same. If the party boy was discussing the party and who was invited in front of your son then I don't think it was a bad idea for your son to speak to him about it. Obviously depends on the kid.

I wouldn't worry about your sons next party until you are closer to the time. I definitely wouldn't do tit for tat stuff.

There may still be some 'reason' your son wasn't invited.

One thing you could do is ask the school to remind kids and parents that discussing party plans in front of non invited kids is a shitty thing to do. Maybe they could do this at the beginning of the Autumn term.

Pleaseletmeconfirm · 13/07/2022 08:35

Also, if this was posted about a grown women the answers would be a lot more sympathetic!

RockinHorseShit · 13/07/2022 08:44

From the OP due to our experience, it wasn't clear if there was bullying involved or not. With DD the RL of the bullying, was bullying other DCs out of inviting my DD & then crowing about it in school & encouraging the birthday DC to do the same. We all answer these queries based on our own experience

Clear you have no experience of bullying for your DCs or moving schools as a result of it though, or you'd realise just how ridiculous this reply was. Some schools are absolutely dire in how they handle bullying & unfortunately DDs school was one of them. We did all that you suggest & got precisely nowhere, in fact the bullying got worse as the perpetrators were getting away with it. The school behaved so badly that I was able to use it with our LA to get DD into another over subscribed school though ... all of our local schools are over subscribed, so moving wasn't an option on its own.

To the PP who asked. DD is now an adult & I'm proud to say that even at 19, she is still the kind, thoughtful & supportive friend she always was... but she takes absolutely no shit & stands up for herself eloquently & fiercely. People have to earn her respect & good on her

Hoppinggreen · 13/07/2022 08:49

You have made this far worse than it needed to be.

pilates · 13/07/2022 08:54

Poaching kids away to do something else 😲
What am I reading.
I cannot believe adults would behave in that way.

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