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Original poster

DS not invited to his school mate’s birthday party and feels hurt. What shall we do?

106 replies

SillySmart · 11/07/2022 21:53

DS plays well with another boy in his class and considers him as one of his good friends. So when DS had a small birthday party earlier in the year, that boy was among 10 kids invited. Now it’s that boy birthday party and DS was not invited, while others were all invited. DS feels hurt/betrayed and even cried when he told us this😂 So we said if you are not happy you should say it and should ask that boy yourself why you were not invited. So he asked and that boy said he was invited. DS then was in strong belief that he could go to that party. To clarify we messaged that boy’s mum just to make sure. But his mum just ignored the message…

Not to blame or complain, but as a parent, what should we do and what should we tell kids in this type of situations? Also, is it a big deal if you invite someone to your birthday party, but are not invited to his/her birthday party? I mean should we invite that boy again for DS next birthday party or exclude him? It’s kind of awkward now…

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sessell · 12/07/2022 21:44

I empathise OP. This happened to DD years ago and my reaction was similar to yours. She was so upset. The friend said she wanted her to go but the mum had limited numbers (for no good reason it seemed). It was a small friendship group and DD was the only one left out and this did seem to be a turning point where she went through a long phase of having no friends and wandering the playground forlornly. Around age 8 or 9. I remember we held her own party a while later and her friends just didn't turn up :(. So don't beat yourself up for reaching out and trying to keep your DC included, things like this can be the start of a shunning and parents who exclude one kid out of a group are horrors/ bullies in my view. Funnily enough DD did reconnect with that group of friends in secondary school and 15 years later they're still her close group.

Threetulips · 12/07/2022 21:48

Do you see this boy outside of school? Play dates, clubs etc? Has he been invited to your home or days out with you?

Sounds like they’re friends at school but not elsewhere.

I didn’t keep track of who was invited and return invites, it really isn’t the way to go.

Kanaloa · 12/07/2022 21:48

Well at 8 I just wouldn’t encourage them to ask why they aren’t invited then take someone else’s embarrassed answer as confirmation that they are in fact invited (despite not having received an invitation). It’s just a recipe for embarrassment/confusion, isn’t it? You knew he wasn’t invited when he didn’t get an invitation, so no point letting him think he was invited.

Yes, his friend hurt his feelings. It is upsetting and it’s totally ok to acknowledge and affirm that it’s hurtful not to be invited when he considers this boy as a close friend. But asking for an invitation and then messaging the mum isn’t the way forward. Your son didn’t invite every child to his party either. So the way to handle it is to agree with him that it is hurtful and say ‘oh dear you really like Jack, it’s a shame he didn’t invite you to his party since he came to yours. You must feel upset because you would have liked to celebrate his birthday with him. Oh well, maybe he had to invite other friends/family friends/cousins etc and didn’t have the space. Remember how hard it was for you to choose only 10 people for your party? It’s a shame we can’t go to every party.’

Threetulips · 12/07/2022 22:05

I would also add there are some really pushy parents out there who’s children get wind of a party invite and are suddenly party child’s best friend. After the party they drop them like a ton of bricks! Children are then left feeling bad about those they missed. It’s a learning curve and something to watch out for.

But, did you feel sorry for those children your son didn’t invite? Did you worry about their feelings? Did you prep your son to deal with those children? Or were they told tough? It’s a two way street.

Wolfiefan · 12/07/2022 22:12

Your son sees this boy as a good friend.
Doesn’t mean he feels the same.
At that age friendships change. I wouldn’t have got him to ask the boy and I wouldn’t have messaged the parent.

CavernousScream · 12/07/2022 22:13

As the parent hasn’t replied to your message, I’d be wondering if it’s a parents thing rather than a kids thing. It’s not very socially astute of you to get your son to ask the boy and then send that text, so I wonder if you’ve made a few other social errors and the other parents aren’t keen.

Spacemonkey2016 · 12/07/2022 22:14

I have no idea what you were thinking suggesting to an 8 year old he should be interrogating as to why he wasn't invited to a party. Way to make it a bigger deal than it had to be. I'd be quite embarrassed if I were you, to be honest. What did you expect to gain for your son from doing that?

Dic · 12/07/2022 22:21

Literally everyone is telling you that telling him to ask was wrong. Doing so caused more upset and you even messaged the parents, who ignored you. And yet you still think you're right.

Blimey.

Bunce1 · 12/07/2022 22:39

Asking the other child was so silly. They are both so young and immature to be able to have any kind of meaningful conversation about it. The child say he was invited! It caused more confusion and upset. This was a terrible plan. they do not have the emotional development to deal with such a situation and as a parent you should protect your son from it.

A

Bunce1 · 12/07/2022 22:40

They are 8. Friendships turn on a dime.

ldontWanna · 12/07/2022 23:00

You should've told him that it happens ,that it's ok and that it doesn't mean they are not friends.

What would you have done if the kid said something awful like "my mum doesn't want you there"(true story) ?

It was daft to make DS have this chat, and I doubt you're as lighthearted and chilled about this as you're making it sound.

You caused this whole situation and now everyone else has to deal with the fallout and your son will be even more upset if he is told AGAIN that he can't go.

Original poster
SillySmart · 12/07/2022 23:00

sessell · 12/07/2022 21:44

I empathise OP. This happened to DD years ago and my reaction was similar to yours. She was so upset. The friend said she wanted her to go but the mum had limited numbers (for no good reason it seemed). It was a small friendship group and DD was the only one left out and this did seem to be a turning point where she went through a long phase of having no friends and wandering the playground forlornly. Around age 8 or 9. I remember we held her own party a while later and her friends just didn't turn up :(. So don't beat yourself up for reaching out and trying to keep your DC included, things like this can be the start of a shunning and parents who exclude one kid out of a group are horrors/ bullies in my view. Funnily enough DD did reconnect with that group of friends in secondary school and 15 years later they're still her close group.

I think we were in a very similar situation, but you described it in a much better way than me😀

I thought about it again. And from the bottom of my heart, I see it close to bullying. The talk is not to ask to be invited, but more to let people know he is not happy with how he was treated. I appreciate this could embarrass that boy, however by not inviting DS, they have embarrassed DS in front of other boys. (Again the background is the 10-odd boys are a close group and all others were invited) So I want DS to be able to stand up for himself when he thinks he is not treated fairly. Have I been too aggressive?

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySmart · 12/07/2022 23:01

Kanaloa · 12/07/2022 21:48

Well at 8 I just wouldn’t encourage them to ask why they aren’t invited then take someone else’s embarrassed answer as confirmation that they are in fact invited (despite not having received an invitation). It’s just a recipe for embarrassment/confusion, isn’t it? You knew he wasn’t invited when he didn’t get an invitation, so no point letting him think he was invited.

Yes, his friend hurt his feelings. It is upsetting and it’s totally ok to acknowledge and affirm that it’s hurtful not to be invited when he considers this boy as a close friend. But asking for an invitation and then messaging the mum isn’t the way forward. Your son didn’t invite every child to his party either. So the way to handle it is to agree with him that it is hurtful and say ‘oh dear you really like Jack, it’s a shame he didn’t invite you to his party since he came to yours. You must feel upset because you would have liked to celebrate his birthday with him. Oh well, maybe he had to invite other friends/family friends/cousins etc and didn’t have the space. Remember how hard it was for you to choose only 10 people for your party? It’s a shame we can’t go to every party.’

Well said. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySmart · 12/07/2022 23:06

ldontWanna · 12/07/2022 23:00

You should've told him that it happens ,that it's ok and that it doesn't mean they are not friends.

What would you have done if the kid said something awful like "my mum doesn't want you there"(true story) ?

It was daft to make DS have this chat, and I doubt you're as lighthearted and chilled about this as you're making it sound.

You caused this whole situation and now everyone else has to deal with the fallout and your son will be even more upset if he is told AGAIN that he can't go.

I see your points. But let me ask you this question again: if a good friend of yours hurts your feelings, do you do something, you just let it go?

OP posts:
Sloebluewalls · 12/07/2022 23:06

there is an exchange but it’s a gift and nothing more. The boy attended your DS’s birthday and gave him a gift, that’s the exchange. Your son does not get an automatic invite to his party.

what should you tell your DS? Acknowledge his feelings are hurt and ask him to plan a couple of nice things to look forward to. This will help him manage his feelings and enrich his own personal time

Justmuddlingalong · 12/07/2022 23:07

I think by classing it as akin to bullying, you're doing your DS a disservice. You're turning a common occurrence into a big drama, your DS into a victim and yourself into "that parent."

Louisa4987 · 12/07/2022 23:08

Judging by some of your responses where you're adamant you're still right despite pretty much everyone telling you you're wrong I'm guessing there's probably a fair enough reason and I'm guessing it's probably not your sonBlush

Sloebluewalls · 12/07/2022 23:11

they are friends but friends are not invited to every single event. Best teach him resilience.

Kite22 · 12/07/2022 23:11

I generally just tell my kids ‘oh well I’m sorry Jack didn’t invite you - we can’t all go to every party, can we? You didn’t invite everyone to your party either! Never mind.’ I mean your son only invited 10 kids to his party - would you have been happy for a child he didn’t invite to ‘let them know they’re unhappy and ask why they aren’t invited?’ It’s just life. Affirm his disappointment but help him move along.

This ^

So I want DS to be able to stand up for himself when he thinks he is not treated fairly

He hasn't "not been treated fairly" though. He just didn't make the cut , for this party

Have I been too aggressive?

Yes. However many times you ask, the majority are still going to say you should have acknowledged his feeling, reiterated that not everyone can invite everyone to everything and then distracted him / moved on.
You have completely overstepped the line, and made yourself look desperate and needy, by firstly encouraging your ds to put his friend on the spot, and then, unbelievably, messaging his parent.

Original poster
SillySmart · 12/07/2022 23:16

Bunce1 · 12/07/2022 22:39

Asking the other child was so silly. They are both so young and immature to be able to have any kind of meaningful conversation about it. The child say he was invited! It caused more confusion and upset. This was a terrible plan. they do not have the emotional development to deal with such a situation and as a parent you should protect your son from it.

A

Ok. Great point about protecting him emotionally. I previously thought I should let him face the reality and be able to express himself.

OP posts:
Loki01 · 12/07/2022 23:20

SillySmart · 12/07/2022 23:06

I see your points. But let me ask you this question again: if a good friend of yours hurts your feelings, do you do something, you just let it go?

Show quote history

Well, yes. But you are not 8.

Bouledeneige · 12/07/2022 23:23

It's one of life's lessons. And carries on throughout our whole lives. We can't all be invited to all the parties. If it wasn't now it will happen at sone point.

Bouledeneige · 12/07/2022 23:24

You wouldn't ask an adult why they didn't invite you to a party so don't tell your kid to. It's awkward and embarrassing.

Bunty55 · 12/07/2022 23:26

OP I have been in similar situations with birthday parties. Sometimes you are damned if you do and damned if you don't invite certain children.
I remember inviting one boy to a party because we worked with the parents and it would have been awkward if he had not been invited. His cousin was more friendly with our son but they all played together so how would we know he was going to be a nightmare.
And oh my - he was dreadful.. was rude to everybody, would not join in the games, demanded different food and then to cap it all went outside when the ice cream man came and bought himself a lolly. Then he wanted to go home and we could not allow that. He spoiled the fun.
We had no idea he was like this !
Other times we just invited the whole class so nobody would feel left out and it was up to the children whether they came or not.
As your child gets older it will be easier. The friendships are stronger and the core group is smaller.
Let this one go. The more you chew over it the more anxious your child will be

Dic · 12/07/2022 23:27

Louisa4987 · 12/07/2022 23:08

Judging by some of your responses where you're adamant you're still right despite pretty much everyone telling you you're wrong I'm guessing there's probably a fair enough reason and I'm guessing it's probably not your sonBlush

Nailed it here.

Bullying. My god.