Did you send your children to a private primary despite having good state options nearby? Did you send your children to a state primary even though you could have afforded a private primary? Why and why?

[WellWeathered]

What swayed it for you in the end?

Are you happy with the choice you made? Which aspects have lived-up to expectations and which haven't?

I'm currently very torn and would appreciate the experience and opinions (that's lucky then this been Mumsnet) of others.

Very similar to Issy.

Dd is at a lightly selective private school.

We rejected the pushy prep - and what a relief that was in hindsight because I am already baulking at the level of homework in Reception (lazy me), how much more it would have been at the prep.

We would have considered the excellent local state school within 10 minutes walk if dd got a place, which she did not by a whisker. If she did get a place, we may still have chosen private but we never got to that stage.

All in all, I think it is the right choice for dd. Academically, I don't think there is much difference between the state and dd's private school.

But it is the other add-ons like good grounds, fantastic wrap-around care and working-parent friendly service, onsite extra curricular activities that swing it for me.

You wonder whether it is worth paying for all of this. Maybe not. But with 2 working parents in the household, we don't have time to ferry dcs around for afterschool activities or faff about with patchy before and afterschool care. It is seamless and stressless for me to organise the logistics.

The cultural diversity (this is London) is a huge plus. Lots of people drive from quite a distance to this private school. In contrast, the state school is overwhelmingly white middle-class plonked in the middle of an affluent conservation area.

And the uniform is fab! Not wanky at all.

State primaries aren't always more diverse than preps though. Our local state primaries are often faith schools - CofE and Catholic and that means a lack of religious diversity compared to our local preps. Also the preps tend to be more culturally diverse than the better state schools, which by dent of being Christian, tend to have lower proportions of e.g. Jewish, Hindu and Islamic children. The preps are definitely more culturally diverse near here albeit not as diverse in terms of families' financial backgrounds.

Just pulled my daughter out of a private school (yr2) and into a local state.

Shockingly she is BEHIND in maths and spelling (she was near top of the class in her private school).

Am really cross, the experience has put me off independent schools in a big way.

My DS goes to private school but this was only because he couldnt get into one of the only good local state schools. The one we were eventually offered was a school practically on special measures so we had no choice but to go private.

He has been there a term and a half and I can see what a great experience it is has been for him. The class size is small 17 kids and he gets the attention he needs and has made a number of friends there are 2 classes and they mix well.

I am also a teacher so understand the hardships of 30 students to 1 teacher! I dont get more than 2 minutes to spend per child which IMO is rubbish!!! Classes should be made smaller in fact alot state schools push for this. You will find in secondary school that classes are made smaller for subjects like english, maths and science.

As for not being an all round individual because you go private is rubbish...He has friends out of school and we certainly are not rich (in fact one of the reasons we didnt originally choose to go private was because I was more worried about snobby mums)Yes there are a few of those but thir kids are not like that, they are like any other 5 year old!

really interesting thread, i am facing exactly this dilemma and i am agonising. we can stretch ourselves to go private, and there is really only one state school that i would feel comfortable with- but it is large, and a lot more catholic than i feel comfortable with even as a semipriactising catholic. also, as a working parent the "wraparaound care" argument resonates very strongly with me. and while some private schools are snobbish and awful, others are just brilliant and you'd have to be crazy not to admit that they would give your child a great start in life. if it wasn't for this absurd british obsession with keeping the sexes separate i would be 90% certain that private is best.

i wonder whether all those who wax lyrically about their 'lovely village school' would feel as comfortable with their state choice if they lived in central london, where, with few exceptions, state schools tend to be very large, and with a very high percentage of children from challenging backgrounds (refugees, english as an additional language, and generally various backgrounds where education is not highly valued- to use some politically correct language).

also i have started to wonder about the diversity argument. in the end, i expect that children tend to mix with other children from very similar backgrounds and parents too (or perhaps it is because of the parents?) so how much more diversity do they really get? i mean if my dd went to our closest school, would she really make lots of friendships with the rest of the girls in her class, 90% of whom would come from somali refugees families, hijab wearing and all of that? or with the kids of teenage mums living on benefits in the nearby estate? this is not, resolutely not a racist argument, nor a middle class supremacy one, please understand. i would love nothing more than to believe we live in a genuine melting pot society, but i am not sure we do really, and i don't want my dcs to be an experiment...

i went to a state school in europe and i had a socio-economically very diverse peer group, but it was still very homogenous culturally and religiously (there was back them no immigration to my country). i had friends from different backgrounds, but they were not so different as to prevent friendships we spoke the same language, believed in the same things, and our homes may have been different in sizes and comfort but they were basically the same. i just don't know whether this would be possible when the differences are so extreme.

There's very recent research into how children mix at state secondary schools, and it found that middle class children seek each other out, and so do working class ones. So state schools are not the true melting pots they might purport to be.

I think so much depends on the actual school - you get huge successful primaries in London like Honeywell in Battersea, and smaller successful ones like Our Lady of Victories. Then there are less successful ones as well. In terms of private schools, you get top notch teaching in some, and frankly indifferent teaching by untrained teachers in others.

I do think that rather than generalise, it makes sense to put the type of school out of your mind when school hunting, and just find something your DC will be feel comfortable in. Then think about the money. It's really not helpful to get hung up on one sector or the other - so much depends on the head teacher, the other children in your DC's class, the type of class teacher they will encounter, and so on. This even varies from year to year. It comes down to instinct at the end of the day.

wise words BoffinMum. I was all set on state until i actually visited a private school which i loved. it had a much better, more relaxed vibe than its state (well, RC) counterpart across the road: happy exhuberant and slightly dishevelled girls in the former (most in tracksuits rather than posh uniform) vs regimented and superquiet kids in the latter.

the problem is that in most cases parents feel slightly uneasy about their choice (if they have a choice) and tend to compensate by defending their chosen option very vehemently. i realised it helps talking to friends about it, but only up to a point, as everybody is trying to figure out the right thing for their child- and then trying to convince everyone else it is the right thing full stop.

Good point, beforesunrise, I think it's probably also something to do with the state/private apartheid we have in this country. I wish there was a bit more blurring, like in Scandinavia and Germany.

Good points beforesunrise.If we hadn't moved,dd1's catchment school would have been a large town primary,with a rough reputation.As she was born very late in August,I would have almost certainly delayed her starting if she'd had to go there,as she would have been completely overwhelmed.If things hadn't worked out the way they did,I would have either struggled & gone private or home educated.I suffered from being sent to a crappy school and don't intend my children to go through the same thing.We are lucky that her state school is wonderful,and I realise that other are not so lucky.

I don't understand this prevailing assumption that sending your children to the state school meansthat they'll mix with a much wider group of kids.

My state primary is graded outstanding. It sits in the heart of a very affluent part of Cheshire. I can't think of any catchment houses worth less than 500k. All the kids come from affluent, white MC backgrounds. Parents rock up to the gates in their 4x4s all suited and booted. One parent a few years ago donated 10 thousand to the school which was part of his Christmas bonus.

There really is very little difference between these parents and those that use the prep other than perhaps the state using parents probably have a littlemore disposible income.

rosalind- again i suspect it's a London thing. if i leave my house and walk 10 min north, i'll end up in the poshest, wealthiest area of London and prob the world. if i walk 10 min south, it's all grim council estates, refugees, poverty and crime. it really IS that stark. sadly the local state schools don't really reflect that diversity, as the former group tends to go private without fail, so state schools tend to be 90% the latter group. those of us who are stuck in the middle like us, face a real challenge when it comes to choosing a school. when you are a guardian reader tree hugging leftie the choice becomes agonising.

Beforesunrise: Or you do what we did and go faith even though we are not particularly religious. It's a great school, we can live with the faith bit and it's mostly parents who are looking for an alternative to private for whatever reason and get it in a good school with great pastoral care and academics but without the price tag. I am under no illusions that my kids are getting a broad and wide education. They're getting a great education but it's certainly not inclusive, it's the best part of private on the cheap and it's not even free as the "voluntary" contributions are so hefty but we all breath a sigh of relief and say "well, at least it's cheaper than private." Great for us but hardly representative of state schools in the main and also being in london I can hand on heart say that there are only 5 or 6 non faith state schools I have come across which I would even consider. If the choice were the typical london school with high numbers of non native english speakers and children from completely different backgrounds from mine I would go back to work full time and write the cheque each term, no question.

Wellweathered You started something here. A highly emotive subject. I sent my dc1 to a private school after yr2 - purely because the next school up had an 'ok' reputation, but with 35 in a class

Looking at our dc, dh and I decided it would not suit him. Being a typical boy, lacking concentration, taking a mile when given and inch and so on.

I can honestly say, hand on my heart, it was the best thing we ever did for him. He thrived - and who wouldn't with 10 in a class. He couldn't 'get lost' or 'cruise'. And most importantly, he loved it. He loved the structure, discipline and knew exactly where he stood. It was a great environment and so far he seems pretty well rounded.

Extra curricular activities were great and enough sport to last a life time. Don't get me wrong, we made sacrifices financially, but it's been worth every penny. Meanwhile, dc2 is in a maintained school and also thriving and loving it. Not sure what we'll do when they go to 'big school'. We have decided to treat them as individuals, not just assume they will follow in older siblings footsteps.

Good luck with whatever decision you make and as you care so much, I think your dc will always be ok where ever they are

Just to give you another side to the coin... I was privately educated from age 4 to 16 and hated every minute - it was a 20 minute drive to school from where we lived and as a result I had no friends locally, classes were very small around 10-15 so limited choice of friends and most of the children were from super rich families - my parents weren't rich and sacrificed a lot to send us to private school so I felt that I didn't really fit in. My parents also worked very long hours and sacrificed holidays etc to pay for our education which I often feel guilty for even though it was what they wanted to do. TBH I would have rather had family holidays and parents that were home every night at 5.30. Yes I got good GCSE results, but I also got very good A level results at the local college I went to where I also loved every minute and it was free . I hated school so much that I vowed I would never send my children to a private school even if I could afford it as I feel it wasn't "the real world" and I believe I would have achieved the same academic results wherever I had gone to school hth

I had a good dollop of private education too, and it did some good, but probably more damage. I am very picky about schools for my children now, and I never look at the sector when deciding what is likely to be best.

dannyb- we are looking at a faith (RC) school. it has an outstanding ofsted report and while not exactly on our doorstep i think we may have a chance of getting her in. i visited and was really impressed, despite the large classes and the somewhat more religious outlook than we have at home etc. the real problem is that in order to get a shot at getting accepted for reception i would have to send dd to the attached nursery, which i really really hated... at the mo she is at a lovely montessori nursery, which is really small and caring, and has the huuuge advantage of being in our street. not a small detail when i also have dd2 to think of (and i don' really want to have her in the buggy all day unless i really have to!). by contrast the nursery attached to the school is huge (45 children), very unstructured, and a bus ride away. so if she gets accepted to the nursery, i will be facing a huge dilemma. to compound the complication, a place in the nursery does not guarantee a place in reception (although they never turned anyone away to date), and i think that the montessori she's in now gives her a real shot at getting through the dreaded "assessments" for private schools, while i am not sure that the nursery there would. i know it's crazy, but such is the reality.

can i just ask out of curiosity whcih school you are referring to? you don't have to answer of course if you don't want to.

I went to my local primary as it is 2 minutes' walk away and had an outstanding OFSTED. The private primaries/prep schools are not that close to where we live/only go to 7/are incredibly expensive respectively.

I wouldn't have gone for a school that didn't let me visit, private or state. How odd.

Send DTS to state primary even though we can afford private. DH and I do not believe that paying for something equates to it being better and our evidence bears that out.

We visited the schools in our area and wanted our DTS to go to a local school with a local community. Even though the school we chose was Satisfactory according to Ofsted, I loved the fact that the headmaster allowed the children to show prospective parent around and we could ask them anything. The children love their school and are very proud of their sporting, community and academic achievements.

The school has 14 after-school and lunch time clubs including sailing, fencing, football, chess, tag rugby, gardening, dance, music,choir, science and art.

The PTA is very active and in first week the boys went to school, they attended a school disco!

The education that they have received to date is fabulous, they love going to school, they love their teachers and when they come home, they want to carry on doing what they did at school so we do a lot of reading and writing.

There are 4 private schools nearby and 5 of the 6 state primary schools achieve comparable if not better results than the private schools.

Another reason is that DH and I have excelled academically (PhD) despite going to below average large comps in working class areas. We excelled because our families valued education, encouraged us and we both wanted to succeed to the best of our abilities.

We both have well paid jobs and wonderful careers (wonderful in that we both love what we do). Even though I work part-time now I still earn far more than the average annual salary. I know privately educated people who do not earn anywhere near what DH and I earn or have the successful careers that we have.

I also have work colleagues who have sent their children to private school and the children have not achieved what they had hoped. My DH's cousins went to private school and left without passing any exams! I run a team of engineers and scientist who are all white men (I'm black) and half went to private school as well as Oxbridge - yet they work for me!

The DTS are enthused about learning as much as they can and that is what I wanted from a school. The other thing they will learn from their school as well as from DH and I is that real success is achieved through hard work, being focused on your goals, commitment as well as dedication to do what you have to do to achieve those goals and unwavering self-belief in your abiliites, despite the negativity that society might throw at you.

Being able to buy advantages can only get you so far, the rest is really down to the individual, especially as we now have to compete in a global economy where achievement will be largely based on merit, not patronage, as Barack Obama has shown.

"There are 4 private schools nearby and 5 of the 6 state primary schools achieve comparable if not better results than the private schools."

Spokette I want to live where you live!!!

We sent dd to a small non-selective private school at Y3 instead of the local junior school and haven't regretted a second of it.

She was the classic stuck in the middle child at her infant school - never made a fuss, got on with her work, didn't cause any trouble but was very obviously not achieving at the level she was capable of.

Within weeks of joining the new school, the change in her work and mood was dramatic. She's now a very happy learner in the right environment for her.

"Real success is achieved through hard work, being focused on your goals, commitment as well as dedication to do what you have to do to achieve those goals and unwavering self-belief in your abiliites"

A lot of truth in that too

Attended a posh event last night with DH where there were quite a few Sirs and Ladies.

I was sat next to some emminent Professor at my table and we were discussing our off-spring. He was telling me about his son's private school and admitted that he did not think that he was achieving as much as he thought he should.

I then told him about the satisfactory (according to Ofsted) state school that my 4yo DTS attend and he was shocked that the school had already assigned one of them a learning support assistant, that children learnt French from year 1, the school had 14 various clubs and did lots of sport and had won many trophies. He could not believe that it was a state school!!!

It just confirmed that to me that there a lots of people out there who base their opinions (wrt both private and state sectors) on heresay rather than emperical evidence.

I assume that his less than enthusiastic endorsement for his sons's school is because he knows he is paying for the privilege of his son receiving an education that was probably no better than what he would have received in the state sector. Also, this professor was educated at what he describes as an average comprehensive in the 1970s and has achieved a great deal despite such an inauspicious start. Success really is down to the motivation, dedication and commitment of an invidual.

individual