10 year old daughter taught about sexual assault and rape at school

[recall]

My daughter is in year 6, and recently attended a two day Transition to Secondary School course at school.

At the end of the first day, all parents received an e mail saying that some of the parents thought the content of the course may be inappropriate. I didn’t see my daughter until the evening of the second day ( she had been staying with her dad my ex husband ). I asked her what she had learnt. She told me....about a boy who moved up to Secondary School and started suffering from cyber bullying, so much so that he committed suicide. They showed them images of the boy, his grave and a video of his mother in tears talking about it. Four of the children left the room, two were in tears, one of whom began hyperventilating.

I contacted the boy’s mum who confirmed this was true, and told me they had also been taught about a rape. About a 15 year old girl who got drunk and woke up in a ditch and was pregnant. They were also taught about the spiking of drinks, and given stickers to put over their glasses in order to prevent this from happening.

I gave my consent for her attend this course, on the basis they would be discussing “ keeping safe, not harming your body, making healthy friendships, resisting peer pressure and cyber bullying.”

The course was delivered by an outside company that describes itself as a Small Social Enterprise.
On the school’s advice I contacted this company to complain. The CEO did not agree the content to be age inappropriate. I asked for a copy of the content of the course, and was refused because it was their intellectual property, she did say I could view it in her office.

I have had a meeting with the Head of Federation ( her school belongs to a Federation of several Primary Schools ) He said that although he agreed that the content may not be age appropriate, his colleague who arranged the course thought that it was. I asked if he could obtain a copy of the content and he said he could try but not promise.

My daughter is 10, and has not yet covered sexual intercourse in Personal Development, so her introduction to this has been rape. Her friend has since questioned her own sexuality, and has been Googling ways to commit suicide. Apparently there is a child in year 5 who has gone home and asked her mum what rape means, so it is filtering through the playground.

There seems to be no accountability. I really want to see what she has seen, she was shown it without my informed consent, surely I have a right to a copy of the content.

Any advice ? Thoughts ?

He has been taught that everyone is entitled to bodily autonomy, respect and personal space. He knows if someone does anything to him to speak up and by the same token if another person says stop then you do so

I would say this is teaching about consent and that you’ve done a good job of it. The specifically sexual situations around consent follow exactly the same rules and can be reinforced later.

@Woeismethischristmas My son is 10 and I haven’t taught him about consent ...... He has been taught that everyone is entitled to bodily autonomy, respect and personal space.
You have taught him about respect, but you've done it in an age appropriate way, which is the best we can do as parents.

There is no evidence to suggest scaring children with ‘hard hitting’ graphic, material with an age rating of 15+ (that many csa films have and are shown to 9-12 year olds!!!) have any positive impact.

This is a link to some research that looked into best practice. It explains why there was a campaign to stop this type of resource being used with kids, and how traumatic it was for children who were exposed to such ‘hard hitting’ material who were already victims.

irp-cdn.multiscreensite.com/f9ec73a4/files/uploaded/After%20CSE%20Films%20Supporting%20Children%20and%20Families%20Without%20Traumatic%20Imagery%20JEATONMAR2019.pdf

If you follow this link www.victimfocus.org.uk/resources-for-professionals
There are lots of resources that will explain more.

I think some CSA films can be useful, but only if carefully made and used sensitivity.

I have used the film Breck’s Last Game with my DS (a mature 12 yo) and found it a really useful resource as part of a larger conversation. I do not think that randomly sticking it on in assembly would be at all appropriate.

I have just watched Kayleigh’s Love Story and do not think it would be appropriate for use in a classroom environment under any circumstances, even if the age guideline of 15 was adhered to. I don’t want to go into the details (long story - something similar happened in our extended family) but my DD would find this particularly traumatic and I doubt she’d be the only one. The same message and story could be told in a much more child friendly and educational way.

My DC were shown the NSPCC video “I saw your willy” at 10 yo, and I think it is a great example of an age-appropriate video that educates without scaring. At this age, most of the messages about consent, grooming etc could be successfully taught in a similar style.

@recall

catitudes it wasn’t provided by their new Secondary School, but by the Federation of Primary Schools that her Primary School belongs to. The Secondary School were totally unaware of this until I informed them. The head of year there immediately contacted my daughter’s Headmaster to confirm that I was correct, and then contacted me. He was appalled by it.

Yes, but I thought it was held in that building? Maybe I was mistaken, I think that the transfer to secondary should be as positive as possible and any sex Ed type stuff as their first time in that building would be inappropriate and embarrassing, something toned down in a conference centre/ church hall because it is bigger than an individual school within the federation would be more appropriate.

Actually, wandering off topic here, but I was thinking about the differences between the films Breck’s Last Game and Kayleigh’s Love Story and thinking how reflective it is on how society fetishises violence against women.

Breck’s murder happens off camera with the focus on the murderer’s actions. The violence against Kayleigh, including her murder, is re-enacted for the camera, complete with screams, pleas, close ups of her face etc. I believe both are made by the same company.

I think some CSA films can be useful, but only if carefully made and used sensitivity.

What use do you think they have? Do you have any evidence that they work?

What use do you think they have? Do you have any evidence that they work?

Only my personal experience of using Breck’s Last Game with my DS and my own DC’s experience of seeing the NSPCC’s ‘I saw your willy’ film at school (prompted some useful discussions at home).

Nothing evidence based. Purely my opinion, as stated.

This generation are very comfortable sharing information in film-format. My feeling is that it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that someone could make useful resources on the subject. Sadly, it is currently completely unregulated with many of the films, it would seem, made by misogynistic nutters with no understanding of child psychology.

Thanks for the links Poppitt

I’d be livid. As if transition isn’t difficult enough.
Some of these outside agencies haven’t got a clue.

I’ve looked at their site in quite a bit of detail and what they say they talk about in their school transition course sounds appropriate and they talk a lot about being age appropriate. Did they deviate from this? Have other parents complained? Surely if it was as awful as you say parents would be up in arms about it and you could all make a joint complaint? Or the school would complain?

I've seen the plan amd I have to say it doesn't sound appropriate at all.

All the stuff is stuff that should have been taught/discussed over the last couple of years at primary school. With the relevant age appropriate top ups at secondary as the needs present. This 2 day intensive course on how they will be bullied to death and drugged at secondary school is far to heavy. And with zero chance of any kind of discussion or follow up and a six week gap to dwell on it and get worked up.

It creates victims as opposed to dealing with the core issues. As adults we possess the ability to analyse situations and make our own risk assessments etc. These kids are being sent out thinking they are safe with freebie drink covers and potentially so worried about hurting/upsetting someone to the point they kill themselves that they may well override their own comfort and boundaries to try and avoid it.

This is not something your dump on 10 year olds in 2 days without any chance to follow up and ask questions.

@TheSkatesOfCoachBombay:

I don't think we were taught about sex, concent, relationships, intimacy, LGBT, STI's Sexual assault and suicide till we were 14! Before then it was just biology 101 and safeguarding by the schools. My social media is full of "old school friends" 99% of us managed to become healthy, normal adults.

14? That's really late. The sex education classes in 1980s England happened when we were all 11-12 years old. That was still too late for the kids who'd already been sexually abused by relatives since primary school, it's just that no one knew what was happening to those kids at the time, because they were too scared to tell anyone.

The most traumatic thing for you at age 10 was s club seven breaking up. The most traumatic thing for a sexually abused child of that age tends to be that they don't know who to trust, and don't think anyone will believe them.

14? That's really late. The sex education classes in 1980s England happened when we were all 11-12 years old. That was still too late for the kids who'd already been sexually abused by relatives since primary school, it's just that no one knew what was happening to those kids at the time, because they were too scared to tell anyone

Yes 14 is late to know the basics. But sex education used to be about teaching kids about their bodies so there were no nasty surprises when it came to stages of development. And of course to give kids the language/words to describe what was happening to them. Now I think alot of it its shifted into being too far the other way its gone beyond its intended purpose and is almost densiitising them to aspects of the adult world they aren't ready for.. We have far to many schools where the behaviour and standards of education are dire. But least they all know about dick picks and using lube when trying anal...

The most traumatic thing for a sexually abused child of that age tends to be that they don't know who to trust, and don't think anyone will believe them.

This is so so true.

Schools need to focus on building positive, safe relationships, with a big emphasis on consent. You can’t ‘speak out to stay safe’ if you don’t trust anyone.

The fact these courses are delivered by external providers is ridiculous. Relationships are key.

Schools need to focus on building positive, safe relationships, with a big emphasis on consent. You can’t ‘speak out to stay safe’ if you don’t trust anyone

I mean this is something that can kinda be , discussed or modelled quite early on without the needs for a realky heavy lesson on it if that makes sense.

Its so important our children know about what a healthy relationship is. Not just romantic relationships but those with family and friends too.

My personal feelings on this are also that this is something realky cemented before talk of suicide and the like comes in to play. Mainly because threats if suicide and self harm come into play as manipulation and control tactics in abusive relationships. And the last thing we want is it all bundled together in some intensive session and kids feeling responsible for the behaviour of others and feeling compelled to "fix" it even when it hurts them.

I think its important to realise that no one is really against age appropriate lessons done In a sensible and sensitive way and teachers making sure that the intended message got across.

The issue is this full on 2 day course where the teacher was thrown out of their own class and a whole load of stuff kids may not have the ability to understand thrown at them

Have you posted this exact post before?

We weren’t taught about sexual assault in school. We had sec education. Bit wasn’t actually taight about what was wrong or right.

Funnily enough I was hideously sexually assaulted by a peer; but I never realised that it was assault until I actually left school years later. I just endured it as a classmate just being ‘a bit of a twat’.

I wish I’d be educated sooner, it would have helped me speak out. I have a daughter now and she’ll be taught from the moment she can ask questions. It is never too early to protect your children, as hard as the subject might be.

Have you posted this exact post before?

The OP has already clarified this.

I mean this is something that can kinda be , discussed or modelled quite early on without the needs for a realky heavy lesson

Definitely can happen early on. I do think there is a need for heavy lessons, and difficult conversations, but so much ground work needs to be done first and it’s ongoing.

Like you say, a 2 day course is inappropriate. It becomes an ineffective tick boxing exercise.

mable

I'm.so sorry fir what happened to you.

You have emphasised why it's important to give children the words to explain what us happening to them. But also why some of the victim blaming on the website is problematic. God I can't even remember how old I was when I realised that some stuff just wasn't my fault. ( thankfully nothing major) the website says that of you get drunk you put yourself I dangerous situations amd you.might get raped or molested.

Now a teen reading that may well think it was entirely her fault fir getting drunk. By all means discuss the effects if alcohol on the body. By All means stress that you aren't boring if you stick to coke. But sober people are assaulted too so telling a kid that they put themselves in that situation and making them.blame.themselves doesn't teach them that the rapist was wrong. It teaches them that the blame lies with the person who got drunk.

Forstarters.....as I said earlier, the age appropriate stuff on the web site was added after the session with my daughter. There have been various changes to it since then.

@recall

My 10 year old daughter doesn’t require “hard hitting” thank you very much, she requires guidance and support in a loving nurturing environment.

My thoughts exactly.

“Hard hitting”, for 10 yo’s. FFS.

OP tell your 10 year old about love, sex and consent. She deserves an honest explanation. She's growing up and needs fact and support. It's not the 1950s. 10 is not 5.

The Samaritans was started by a vicar Chad Varah in the 1950s after a young girl who uneducated about sex started her period and didn't know what is was and committed suicide.

She's growing up and needs fact and support. It's not the 1950s. 10 is not 5. The Samaritans was started by a vicar Chad Varah in the 1950s after a young girl who uneducated about sex started her period and didn't know what is was and committed suicide.

I don’t think the OP was objecting to sex education, they were objecting to the use of inappropriate resources during transition week, by unknown adults.

DingDongThongs ....may I suggest that before patronising me with your handy chid rearing tips ....you actually read the entire thread ?