10 year old daughter taught about sexual assault and rape at school

[recall]

My daughter is in year 6, and recently attended a two day Transition to Secondary School course at school.

At the end of the first day, all parents received an e mail saying that some of the parents thought the content of the course may be inappropriate. I didn’t see my daughter until the evening of the second day ( she had been staying with her dad my ex husband ). I asked her what she had learnt. She told me....about a boy who moved up to Secondary School and started suffering from cyber bullying, so much so that he committed suicide. They showed them images of the boy, his grave and a video of his mother in tears talking about it. Four of the children left the room, two were in tears, one of whom began hyperventilating.

I contacted the boy’s mum who confirmed this was true, and told me they had also been taught about a rape. About a 15 year old girl who got drunk and woke up in a ditch and was pregnant. They were also taught about the spiking of drinks, and given stickers to put over their glasses in order to prevent this from happening.

I gave my consent for her attend this course, on the basis they would be discussing “ keeping safe, not harming your body, making healthy friendships, resisting peer pressure and cyber bullying.”

The course was delivered by an outside company that describes itself as a Small Social Enterprise.
On the school’s advice I contacted this company to complain. The CEO did not agree the content to be age inappropriate. I asked for a copy of the content of the course, and was refused because it was their intellectual property, she did say I could view it in her office.

I have had a meeting with the Head of Federation ( her school belongs to a Federation of several Primary Schools ) He said that although he agreed that the content may not be age appropriate, his colleague who arranged the course thought that it was. I asked if he could obtain a copy of the content and he said he could try but not promise.

My daughter is 10, and has not yet covered sexual intercourse in Personal Development, so her introduction to this has been rape. Her friend has since questioned her own sexuality, and has been Googling ways to commit suicide. Apparently there is a child in year 5 who has gone home and asked her mum what rape means, so it is filtering through the playground.

There seems to be no accountability. I really want to see what she has seen, she was shown it without my informed consent, surely I have a right to a copy of the content.

Any advice ? Thoughts ?

I think there was a very similar thread recently. Or I'm suffering from deja vu. I wonder if it was the same organisation

But by heading off to secondary school age your child should know about sex in an age appropriate way

I don't think people realise what young people have access to. Not saying I agree with some of the examples they have used but I do agree with the principle.of teaching them about sexual assault, consent and suicide. Once they hit secondary school they are open to a lot more. My DD started year 7, thankfully she doesn't have social media but a number of students do. This year a year 7 child sent child pornography to others.
It was also used to target others to bully them. Some parents are clueless and because their children want something to allow it with no clue what their children see. They may only be 10 but they hear a lot more than we realise. DD has been found crying because of things she has heard regarding LGBTQ, her understanding is what she has been told by her peers, she has admitted to being shown things on Tiktok by friends that are not suitable. So I do think they need some sort of introduction but it should be age appropriate.

I asked if he could obtain a copy of the content and he said he could try but not promise

If the Head of Federation is not permitted a copy of the lesson plan that is being taught to pupils in schools he leads then there is a very serious safeguarding issue.

His colleague who chose and hired this external provider has some questions to answer on his thought process - not just 'it's age appropriate' (what are his qualifications on the topic?).

For those who are suggesting that parents have failed to teach their kids about consent aged 10 do not recognise parents who don't want to sexualise their children, those who might have different family values and whose who wanted to introduce it when it is more age appropriate for them and their kids such as puberty.

10 is very young in my mind - and I don't mean about teaching boundaries around tickling and saying not to kisses from Aunties. This is about boundaries and consent around sex, and now the poor OP's daughter knows about rape and suicide. And she hasn't even started at the bloody school yet!

My 10 yo neice’s bf got her drink spiked at a wedding. It’s being investigated by the police who think it might not have been a guest but someone who walked in from the hotel. So education is definitely needed and it probably does have to be a bit scary to hammer home the message.

How would showing your niece’s bf an explicit video prevent her drink being spiked? How would the outcome have changed?

Consent must be taught. But it does not need to include explicit, traumatic material. There’s no evidence to suggest that telling ‘scary’ stories prevent abusers abusing children.

Honestly OP a terrifying proportion of 10 year olds will have seen extreme pornography: depicting things that I didn't know existed till I was in my late teens. Some of these children will have been abused at home. Even in my pre-internet childhood in a very 'nice' middle class area, a 13 year old got pregnant to the same-aged boyfriend she'd had since she was 9 - parents thought it was 'cute' nobody had any idea what was going on, she apparently conceived out the back of an underaged disco and didn't realise she was pregnant till 6 months gone because her periods weren't regular.

That doesn't at all mean what was delivered was appropriate, but yes, I think a 10 year old needs to have covered sex and consent and rape, ideally both at home and at school. It doesn't need to be graphic, but they need to have concepts to build on, because you can't control what they'll be introduced to. I 100% knew what rape was at 10, going back nearly 30 years, and that was not from my parents sitting me down. Thankfully the 'unsupervised' stuff I was exposed to was just seventeen magazines, someone's mother's cosmo magazine and bizarre 'facts' from teenage older siblings. That is really, really not what they're exposed to now, which is much more damaging.

I think you need to go nuclear at the school, but I wouldn't be going in suggesting its inappropriate these topics are covered. I think the issue is how they are covered, the fact parents weren't briefed to provide at-home support, the fact it doesn't sound age appropriate at all and has clearly caused significant harm.

I dont even understand why this was done on an induction day. The teachers need time to read up on their class, get to know the students , make sure they are aware if any SN or children with difficult back grounds etc. There are many many reasons why a class like this would do nothing but cause huge problems. You can deliver an age appropriate lesson on boundries, consent, bullying, Internet safety etc without resorting to pictures of graves and victim blaming. Complete inappropriate

The samaritans themselves advise against trying to give simplistic views of suicide as that can encourage over identification with the victims.

There are meant to be guidelines from the DofE regarding external groups. Contact Safe school alliance and they should be able to advise you on what groups are deemed appropriate etc.

None of these groups seen to have any concept of safe guarding ir child development etc and have no place on.our schools.

I find it hard to believe a child at end of year six doesn’t know about intercourse. Sex education starts much earlier from year 4, definitely covered in year five and more detail in year six as part of the curriculum. Even if school have failed to follow the curriculum surely you have discussed this well before now? Otherwise the first introduction will have been playground gossip and misinformation.

I think you need to view the content yourself to see how it was delivered. Content is things that need to be discussed but it depends on how it is delivered. Having had a child at my school commit suicide age 12 due to bullying it is something that happens.

Yes suicide happens. The reasons behind it are often extremely complex.

Its not something you should go into with a bunch of kids you don't know from sone external group that probably hasn't even been vetted, on a 2 day induction where there's zero chance to follow up and ensure that kids don't leave the lesson thinking:

I'm being bullied, is this what's going to happen.to me.

Omg it was my fault

I have to be nice to everyone and let them do what they want or they might kill themselves if I upset them.

And I'm also going to presume that there was any awareness taught that sometimes people will use threats of hurting themselves etc as a way to control/coerce people into doing things. Something that would need to be covered in talk about healthy relationships.

None of which you can do in 2 days with a 6 week gap before you see the teacher again.

I'm sure I read the exact same thread a few weeks ago

I remember being taught all this stuff at a young age, they used to hold school assemblies and people would come in, I definitely knew about sex, rape and consent at the age of 10 as my parents taught me, I think it’s important and I will certainly be raising my daughter knowing exactly what consent is etc and then going into more detail as she gets older to protect her.

So many young children are killing themselves because of bullying especially with how popular social media is now, Every 10yo I know has social media, it’s not right but it’s still important to educate on the dangers of it because children say stupid things and get involved in stupid things without realising.

The main issue I would have is the children probably now associate moving to high school with rape and suicide. I have no problem with lessons about consent/MH and suicide issues but there needs to be some thought into when and how these messages are delivered.

Why does their need to be such graphic detail about consent issues?
Surely all that is needed at this age is a blanket 'it's inappropriate for anyone to touch any of your private parts and if they do you should report it'.

@CorrieALanus

I'm sure I read the exact same thread a few weeks ago

Me too.

Can anyone who saw the similar thread link to it, was it deleted?

Perhaps it is the same external provider and they need to be reported and investigated.

Day 2 of an induction is a horrifically misjudged time to even begin to focus on consent.

How about the kids get a chance to figure out where the loos and lockers are first?

I takes a while to get used to your timetable let alone getting into hugely sensitive and complex subjects like these.

Although your dd is still only 10, she must be nearly 11, because my yr6 is nearly 12. Children of their age have become parents so although my child and your child will hopefully not make us grandparents for many years, some will be in situations where it is possible for example here.

My yr6 is aware in a sketchy way of what rape is, but from a much younger age, we have discussed issues around consent, not letting others touch you around pants area, only kissing if the other person agrees, being aware of personal boundaries around touch. Not in a really heavy way but in a general you need to make sure that you agree and the other person agrees and seeking help if those boundaries are crossed. Unfortunately an older sibling encountered difficulties at school much younger than yr6 which led to these discussions. Yes I would hope that in a child going into yr7 their personal experience of sex is a long way off, however in terms of teaching, having covered consent from much younger in an age appropriate way and then reproduction in yr6 it is not a great leap to go from it is not OK for someone to kiss you or touch your underpants area unless you agree to it is not OK to have sex unless you both agree.

It sounds as if the content was a little too graphic for yr6, but beginning to discuss those concepts is not in itself inappropriate.

I am starting teacher training in September. I would personally cover the topic of bullying by doing something like asking the question ' why do bullies bully?' And ' do people say things online thst they would not in real life ?' ' Do happy people choose to bully others very often ?'. I do not see how showing graves is helpful !

Also not on induction day

Yes it is the same..... but last time I came on here someone said they thought it was “bullshit” and that my daughter had made it up. So I went away and spoke to other parents, the course provider, the headmaster and the head of the Federation ....it wasn’t bull shit

Thank you for all of your feedback, I am very grateful for all the different points of view, and am also extremely grateful for all the practical advice given about how and where I take this further. There is another mum who is as upset as me, and we attended the meeting together.

Just want to add, the course wasn’t put on by the new secondary school, but the federation of primary schools. I have contacted their new head of year to be who will be receiving them and he was appalled. They are putting on four extra transition days through the Summer Holidays where he hopes to gently reassure them that “big school” isn’t a scary place. The usual transition session had to be done via zoom this year unfortunately. My son had a fantastic day, Harry Potter themed with games and treasure hunts etc.

Nit at all appropriate for transitioning days as they're supposed to be reassuring not scary!

I agree with other posters that your daughter should know about sex and consent already.

I'm surprised she hasn't asked questions already as they usually do "where do babies come from?" Etc. At 4,5,6. We answered honestly and age appropriately.

Consent discussion was around 5/6 too. Along the lines of no one should be touching you without permission etc.

It's a sad fact of life that by year 6 girls will probably have already had skirts lifted up, bra straps pinged etc. And worse!

Perhaps I didn’t explain .....my daughter knows as much as she needs to about sex and consent for her age .....which is 10....what I meant was, they haven’t covered this in Personal Development at school, so suddenly being taught rape ....at school ....is not in line with the school curriculum. Of course she knows about the “birds and the bees” . I just think I’d have preferred she’d learnt about healthy consensual sex first....at school. I am
always positive about sex, I want them to regard it as nice pleasurable part of life, I don’t like it being demonised. She was aware of boundaries ....but had no concept of rape yet, and what a sad way to find out. For some reason, the course provider asked their teachers to leave the room at this point, so not only was she in an unfamiliar place, the adults that she knows and trusts were asked to leave....leave them in the hands of .....who ? Some random woman who doesn’t seem to be regulated or accountable to anyone.

OP, I think you may have a point, but until you actually SEE the content it’s all immaterial.

Currently you remind me of those people who picketed schools in Birmingham because they objected to their children being taught that same sex relationships existed. It’s all done in an age appropriate way but they really objected.

Find out what they were actually told and then complain about it if necessary.

I dont understand why you don't just go to the office and view the material then you can make your own mind up. But please bear in mind as much as your child is your little girl and only 10 she will be dealing with some very adult issues in secondary school and it is best that she is prepared.

Do we teach tolerance and discuss bullying by referencing suicide?

Do we talk about consent by introducing rape, to 10 year olds?

I don't think I knew about rape until I was 16/17. Did I have sheltered childhood? Maybe, but if so then that's what all children should have, because they are children.

I don't think I will ever be ok with kids accessing porn in the playground and dismissing it because it's just 'what happens these days'.