Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

DS not wanting to go to school

84 replies

anna114young · 14/09/2020 10:17

I am really upset. This morning my DS was crying, lying on the floor absolutely refusing to go to school. I pretty much had to carry him there.

I just don't know what to do! I felt like all the parents were looking at me and judging me as a mother. He's always found school difficult but my DD has always loved it. How can two children be so different?

DS is really struggling with his lessons, he is quite behind I believe in his reading but it doesn't feel like the school is that worried about him. It's getting to the point where I am debating home schooling him because I just can't do another morning like this morning.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
PickwickThePlockingDodo · 14/09/2020 10:30

How old is he?
My DS was like this at the beginning of every school year up till about yr2. He was fine once in school it was just the initial bit.

Why does he say he doesn't like it?

anna114young · 14/09/2020 10:33

He is 9. He just hates going! He isn't like this when he goes to his clubs like football etc. He just really hates school.

He often tells me he is stupid though, because he can't read like the other kids in his class. I have told the teachers this but they don't really seem to do anything about his reading level.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 14/09/2020 10:34

How is he, once in school?

christinarossetti19 · 14/09/2020 10:37

Have you tried escalating your concerns up to the SLT and Senco?

It sounds like there is some sort of barrier to your ds with at least reading, which needs to be identified so that he can be appropriately supported.

Has he ever had an eye test?

unmarkedbythat · 14/09/2020 10:38

Lots of children dislike school. There is as much variation between children as there is between adults so expecting all children to enjoy school is daft. I find there is a weird inflexibility around this, an assumption that a child who does not enjoy school is unreasonable- but why? I would hate my DH's line of work and he would hate mine, why do we expect all dc to be able to cope with the same setting, routines and activities? Lots of things about modern schools are rubbish (not because of the staff, before anyone feels this is teacher bashing, because of the system). Lots of kids hate it.

anna114young · 14/09/2020 10:38

It's hard to know, DD has now moved up to secondary school so she can't let me know.
The teachers have some difficulty with him behaviour wise. Nothing serious but I am starting to worry that the longer he feels stupid, the further behind he gets with his reading the more he isn't going to want to go to school/will play up if he does go.

At the end of the day he always seems a bit down/tired.

OP posts:
elliejjtiny · 14/09/2020 10:39

My 6 year old is like this. He is ok when he gets there but he really doesn't want to go and says he hates writing.

anna114young · 14/09/2020 10:41

@christinarossetti19 How do I escalate to SLT/SENCO? Sorry I feel like I am so new to all this. DD literally flew through Primary.

He has had an eye test and wears glasses.

@unmarkedbythat I understand what you mean. I wasn't a big fan of school but I can't do another morning with him like this morning.

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 14/09/2020 10:49

@anna114young I know that feeling. My eldest did not cope with mainstream and my mornings were like that for years. Later on when he was secondary, he used to routinely truant and we would be out searching for him for hours.

In your shoes I would ask for a meeting with the class teacher and SENCO, for starters. If they cannot appreciate your concerns and work with you to try to change things, escalate to the head, if that does not help, go to the governors. Seek ed psych input. Consider a self referral to the early help hub or whatever your local equivalent is.

bigbradford · 14/09/2020 10:55

You should email his teacher immediately. Make an appointment to see her/him to discuss your concerns. Ask for his reading to be assessed and ask them to identify his barriers to learning. By age 9 he will notice if he cannot access the curriculum like the other pupils and will feel unhappy about this. The Send Co should liaise with you regarding strategies to help him. They should work with you regarding behaviour strategies too. If you don’t get to see anyone, escalate this to the Head. He might also need to be seen by the Educational Psychologist so the school must escalate this to be a priority and not brush it under the table.

Do you think he would benefit from a TA taking him in? It’s unusual but sometimes a member of staff can help and might be willing to do so.

Lastly: don’t be fobbed off. Ask for exact information about his reading age and exactly how far behind he is relative to his peers. Ask what the school is doing about this.

Primary school isn’t onerous or worrying for most children. He appears to be out of his comfort zone and has decided it’s all too much. I wouldn’t home educate after one tantrum. I would explore all avenues of help first. He might refuse to do lots of things in the future so where would you stand on other issues that might arise? Are you home schooling uk to 16? If this issue isn’t sorted, secondary school won’t be any easier for him. I do wish you good luck and please persevere.

bigbradford · 14/09/2020 10:56

Also the schools SEND policy should be on line. Read it. Then you are informed when you see his teacher.

Krook · 14/09/2020 11:03

School refusal is often brushed off but it can lead to real problems if ignored. Please don't drag or carry him in to school. I recommend joining a couple of FB groups that will help, search for 'school refusal and phobia support' or Not Fine in School. Schools will often report that children are fine once in but in reality they are often bottling up all their emotions to conform and will explode with it once at home.
Arrange a meeting with SENCO to try and get some initial measures to help him get in to school in the mornings. Has he had any assessments for dyslexia?

anna114young · 14/09/2020 11:04

@unmarkedbythat and @bigbradford thank you so much. That all sounds really daunting but I think it is necessary. I am going to see if I can have a meeting or phone call with his teacher. I feel like I have been fobbed off for too long now!

OP posts:
Neolara · 14/09/2020 11:05

I agree with Big Bradford.

If you allow him to stay off school, even for a couple of days, it will make it much, much harder to get him back in. Avoiding school will make any anxiety he has about school worse. You need to make the school take his worries seriously and find a way for them to support him probably.

anna114young · 14/09/2020 11:07

@Krook he hasn't had any assessments that I am aware of? Do you think that might be a good idea? To give you an idea, at 9yrs old he can't read some basic words. Like he will read the word 'said' and then when he sees it on the next page he will look at it like hes never seen it before. He often just guesses the words too. I only really noticed how bad things had got during lockdown when I was homeschooling. How has the school let him get to this age and he can't even read said. Honestly my heart is broken. I feel like such a bad mum.

OP posts:
Digestive28 · 14/09/2020 11:10

Have you checked he can see ok? Sometimes hearing or vision problems may mean he hasn’t been following things properly but at home you are 1:1 so he won’t struggle in same way (sat next to you)?

onlyreadingneverposting8 · 14/09/2020 11:20

Everything @Krook said with bells on! Don't force - it won't help and will probably make things worse.

20mum · 14/09/2020 11:39

The other suggestions seem good. What about getting private tutoring in the area he feels unsure about, plus helping yourself? Frequently, a child for some reason doesn't quite catch on. Then loss of confidence leads to falling more and more behind. It could be only in one area and could be anything; maths, games, reading, standing up to bullies, swimming, writing, making friends, art, or even some unadmitted fear of being made to eat some hated food, or having posessions snatched away. In the case of '3 r's', the investment in private tutoring, plus your involvement, would be worth more than the cost.

(Perhaps Covid may mean some teachers are shielding or protecting, so if they could work online they may welcome the chance to earn a little extra while keeping their hand in? Maybe contact the favourite teacher in private, for suggestions?)

DollyScrobbler · 14/09/2020 11:40

School exhausted my daughter - she would come home and go straight to sleep. Wake up for her meal and then take herself to bed.

Ring school and ask if the SENCo could do observations and check his attainment. My daughter had coloured lenses in her glasses to help with reading - she wouldn't wear them at high school as she was teased. I had a boy in class whose eyes wouldn't track across text smoothly (diagnosed by a hospital optician). We had to enlarge all texts for him. He progressed quickly with reading after that.

My daughter was in year 5 when she realised that she was way behind her peers.

She used to say that she'd just written the date and title and the others had written a full page of work.

She was 'diagnosed' autistic, dyslexic and dyspraxic. She was diagnosed with EDSh at 25 years of age.

She absolutely HATED high school. She was 'elective mute' as far as adults were concerned. She was in all the bottom sets and within two years was behaving like the others she was in class with. She went from a very quiet and solitary child to a (I can't say). She was mixing with all the girls that had a disruptive reputation. She became one of them - I think it was a sink or swim survival instinct.

I couldn't home school her. I worked full time - a SENCo in a primary school. I had been pushing for extra help in primary school from year one. She got 1hr a day help in year six - the 'help' started on the first day, went off sick the next day and was not replaced.

The high school helped with spelling - she's still unable to spell, but we laugh about this now.

She was level 2 when she left primary school (average attainment is level 4) and her work stayed the same level throughout high school. She couldn't even pass key skills later on. She was advised to leave college after a year because she wasn't up to the level of work - she'd done a level one course.

She doesn't have paper qualifications but she is so laid back, approaches every situation calmly and has tons of common sense - which my husband says is seriously lacking in the graduates he's had to train throughout his career.

She worked in retail for a while but standing all day left her knees and ankles swollen due to EDS and she was shouted at for limping by her line manager. He made her cry so she left. She then worked for a delivery company - she loved it because it was solitary. She found out she was good at driving - she's driven everything from tractors to articulated lorries. She has been employee of the year at her work, met The Stig and driven rally cars. She met her partner through her love of vehicles (at a mini rally) and they have bought their own house and have two wonderful children (with another on the way).

She scraped along the bottom throughout her school life but she's a successful person because of her personality, her attitude and joy of life, her hard work and her school experience.

She excels practically rather than academically - she's a fabulous home maker, her home is immaculate. (As are her children.). Whilst on maternity leave she has found she has a talent for sewing and knitting and is in demand to make things for others. (Curtains, clothes and toys.)

She can't fill in forms or follow written instructions unless she has help. Her spelling variations make us all howl with laughter. But she's fabulous because she's worked out her limitations and strengths quite early on in life and she accepts who she is. I'm so proud of her.

I'm also proud of my other two children who excelled academically.

I wasted many years worrying for her future, I grieved for that lost academic potential. (Without her knowledge.)

But she's brilliant - a truly exceptional personality. (But I'm obviously biased.)

MarshaBradyo · 14/09/2020 11:42

Poor boy. I think you have to push hard and escalate for support.

anna114young · 14/09/2020 11:50

@20mum private tutoring or some extra home help with reading sounds like such a good idea. I will start looking into it.

@DollyScrobbler your daughter sounds awesome! I am so glad she has done so well with so many challenges.

@MarshaBradyo I will! I am thinking of calling the school up at lunchtime

OP posts:
penpotted · 14/09/2020 11:52

Have you checked his symptoms for dyslexia? Push for an assessment and just go private if you can.

My son struggled for years and I'm still so laden with guilt that we didn't get help earlier. He was diagnosed in year 5 with dyslexia, adhd and auditory processing delay.

RepeatSwan · 14/09/2020 12:00

Feel sorry for him, it is miserable when school is no fun. School can be brutal for some.

If he says he is stupid, a tutor who builds a strong positive relationship could really help. I used to tutor children who were struggling and it is possible to make huge progress even with one hour a week - it is the focus and the positivity that can really change things.

But there is excellent advice here about SENCO support etc.

Good luck Flowers

anna114young · 14/09/2020 12:03

@penpotted what should I be looking for with dyslexia?

Thanks everyone for all your support and help! I'm feeling a bit more like there may be light at the end of the tunnel!

OP posts:
PickwickThePlockingDodo · 14/09/2020 12:36

Funnily enough further to my pp about my DS crying when he went to school, he was later diagnosed with dyslexia along with my other DS.

You saying your DS can read one word correctly on one page and can't read it on the next is a classic sign.
Ask the school for a dyslexia screening. Be warned though my DSs had it and it showed up as nothing wrong. It was only when we got a private Educational Psychologist assessment for both of them that it showed up all sorts - poor working memory, slow processing speed etc. My other DS and DD sailed through school like your DD and were in top sets, so I just couldn't understand it at first.

Swipe left for the next trending thread