DS not wanting to go to school

[anna114young]

I am really upset. This morning my DS was crying, lying on the floor absolutely refusing to go to school. I pretty much had to carry him there.

I just don't know what to do! I felt like all the parents were looking at me and judging me as a mother. He's always found school difficult but my DD has always loved it. How can two children be so different?

DS is really struggling with his lessons, he is quite behind I believe in his reading but it doesn't feel like the school is that worried about him. It's getting to the point where I am debating home schooling him because I just can't do another morning like this morning.

What do I do?

@Fandabbydoos I am so sorry that this is happening to you too. I guess we're not the only ones! I feel the same about worrying the school think I am exaggerating!

OP I don't have any experience, but just wanted to say to keep everything factual. School can't argue with that. I know you must feel emotional, but just try and keep to, 'DS is struggling at school and we quickly need to identify why, before he completely refuses to attend. He wants to learn but I believe his reading levels are affecting his ability to do so. What are you doing to improve his reading? I'd like a dyslexia assessment, can you arrange this etc... Good luck and stand strong.

@MrsMcTats Thanks so much!

Once you've had the meeting eith the teacher and the Senco send an email:

"Just to clarify what was said in our meeting of xx/09/20 ....".

Then at least your'll have a paper trail. Very very important.

Don't be fobbed off. you're going to have to fight. be prepared.

@anna114young Thank you, you have my sympathies. School refusal can be very stressful and confusing.

I feel now (3 years down the line) i was somewhat nieve in expecting a "diagnosis" to resolve the school refusal issue. It has certainly helped my understanding of his behaviour but hasn't quite completed the puzzle.

I hope school are helpful and can put in place some adequate support whilst waiting for assessment. One strategy i used for a while was taking my son to breakfast club as the smaller group and less focus on structured learning meant the mornings were less pressurised.

Make notes now. make a list of all the questions that you have and tick them off. try and pin her down: instead of letting her away with some airy fairy thing like 'oh he's a bit behind' ask her to clarify exactly how much: is he 5.6 for eg, when all the other boys in his class are 9.9?

ask her to be specific. make sure you get all of them answered. Don't let her go until you do.

start off the meeting saying well actually 'I've got 10 questions'. Then you've sowed the seed so she knows your are serious!

you need to be very prepared.
and very on the ball.

My ds was the same, some days it would be lunchtime before I got him to school, his attendance in secondary school went down as low as 40%. It's taken him until Y10 to find his tribe & settle down, he got 8 good passes at GCSE & has just started sixth form doing A levels. He is ASD & has terrible anxiety & depression, he attends counselling sessions twice a week, one with a charity who work on his self esteem & the other with a psychologist which are helping enormously. Speak to school & keep on speaking to them until he gets the help he needs.

One hour to go, I am armed with questions thanks to everyones help on here! Thanks again everyone. Will tell you how it goes! Fingers crossed.

Good luck op

So.... that was interesting!

His teacher says that he is "below average for reading" and is reluctant to join in with Guided Reading.

I asked her what they are doing about it and she said he is in a group for Guided Reading which they are focusing on.

When I said that I felt he was reluctant to come into school due to his reading she said maybe he was tired, new term etc etc

I brought up the topic of dyslexia and was told she would speak to the SENCO about it.

I've left feeling a bit deflated if I am honest!

I'm thinking about taking it into my own hands, whether that is a tutor or an online system or a book? I will get him to be happy reading!!

Any recommendations for tutors/online tutoring/online systems/books VERY welcome!

My tip would be to encourage a love of books. Make sure you still read to him every day a book which is age appropriate which you don’t ask him to read at all.

TBH I think they've fobbed you off a bit there! He is reluctant because of his reading.

I would invest in Toe by Toe book as a starter and work on it at home. If school are being useless think seriously about a private dyslexia test. If it is dyslexia, and to be honest it sounds as if it might be, it's best to find a specialist tutor. But make a proper nuisance of yourself at school and push for them to conduct a proper test. They might want to do a screening first but keep at them!

Have a look at the dyslexia website - there are 37 signs of dyslexia

Poor memory skill is one of them which is why reading becomes difficult

Get the SENCo to test - did he have hearing issues and so each delay when a baby?

Also - have a look at precision teaching on line - and get the first 100 word list

The idea is you chose 3 words he struggles with and 2 he’s confident with (make sure they don’t rhyme or sound similar or have the same start letter) then you type them into the sheet and he has 1 min to read as many as he can - do this every day for three days and then change the words-

It works wonders!

A lot of teachers have no idea about dyslexia - don’t be fobbed off

From experience, I would focus on trying to understand what the barrier is to your ds's reading, rather than looking for tutors etc.

I was in a fairly similar situation a year or so ago, in terms of having had an older child who flew through primary and then one who was doing okay academically, but clearly way below his potential with various behaviour issues eg getting angry in the playground, easily distracted etc.

School advised that he was perfectly capable, and just needed to get better at focusing. Suggested 'booster classes' for SATS.

Paid for private Ed Psych apt (£600 and six month waiting list in London) and it turns out that he has a visual processing disorder. Was seen by a behavioural optometrist in January and nine months of visual therapy and therapeutic glasses later, things are going much better for him.

No number of 'extra classes' or 'guided reading' would have helped - we needed to get to the root of the problem, not keep creating situations where he was even more aware of his problems iyswim.

Is there a possibiilty that you could ask to speak with the Senco directly to relay your concerns? She or he may be able to do a baseline screening for dyslexia or refer.

That’s a good point about hearing. Have you ever had concerns about his hearing?

I would read up what dyslexia is and get fully informed. It's more than just reading and words. It can also affect memory and processing and can be exhausting. You can make your own record at home of how he is getting on and what you observe. We do observations and keep a record at school so we have evidence when it comes for assessment, but with yours as well it could be added to give further examples.

There is lots of stuff online, start with the BDA www.bdadyslexia.org.uk/advice/children

We have used this at school: uk.ixl.com as well as using a dyslexia friendly font, our own screening by a trained TA, colour overlays/colour paper, group work, speech & language. We also have some laptops that kids can use for their work with this software on www.cricksoft.com/uk/clicker/8/special-needs

I would certainly be asking what adjustments could be made to support him in his learning so he can reach his potential. Schools are strapped for cash (some are in debt) so it can be a bit hit & miss as to what the school can purchase for support. I would start looking at secondary schools early to see which ones have a dyslexia unit and what support they can give too.

As for the first 100 words and how to support, take a look here:

dyslexiadecoded.co.uk/tips/reading-with-dyslexia-part-two-high-frequency-words/

Read to him and with him as much as you possibly can. Every day. Bedtime stories of course, but also comics, joke books, magazines. Plenty of non-fiction, too. Guiness Book of Records, animal books, science books, football annuals. Whatever his favourite topics are.

Read the facts on top trump cards, recipes while cooking with / for him. Read websites together, TV guides, maths questions. Anything and everything.

Show him reading is both purposeful and entertaining. Let him see you reading too. Have books around the place. Include books in every birthday / Christmas gift list. Help him to learn to love it. In doing so you will see for yourself where his difficulties may lie and you will be helping him in the best possible way you can.

Check his hearing. Check that he's not showing signs of dsylexia. Could be either issue

This is all SO helpful. I cannot thank you enough!

I think I will get the toe by toe book and look into a private dyslexia screening.

I wouldn't have known about either if it wasn't for you all - THANKS SO MUCH!

Just thought I'd update you all. Having such a bad week. Every day Ive had floods of tears from ds. But I feel more determined that ever to help him.

Ive had reading bears and toe by toe suggested to me but neither look appealing for him. I need something not too boring/babyish.

Any ideas?

One of my DSs never got on with the Toe by Toe book, he did it for ages but never showed any improvement. That's not to say it doesn't help others.

What he did like was the books from www.barringtonstoke.co.uk/dyslexic-reluctant-readers/

They have easier books to read but without the babyish content iyswim.

But I would still try and get a diagnosis for him as there are so many elements he could be struggling with. For example my other DS can read perfectly well but has trouble with his writing - still dyslexic. His diagnosis showed up poor working memory and processing problems amongst other things.

Have a look on Oxford owl
They have books that read to him highlighting the words and phonics games after
Or he can just listen to more grown up stories instead

Lots of free ones to get you started

I agree with a PP, you really need to seek a dyslexia assessment If at all possible. Reading problems can often be the 'symptom' and there could be other issues that a specialist would tackle that would really help him.