DS not wanting to go to school

[anna114young]

I am really upset. This morning my DS was crying, lying on the floor absolutely refusing to go to school. I pretty much had to carry him there.

I just don't know what to do! I felt like all the parents were looking at me and judging me as a mother. He's always found school difficult but my DD has always loved it. How can two children be so different?

DS is really struggling with his lessons, he is quite behind I believe in his reading but it doesn't feel like the school is that worried about him. It's getting to the point where I am debating home schooling him because I just can't do another morning like this morning.

What do I do?

I think the school should be looking for dyslexia! However there are great web sites with lots of information on them. The Dyslexia Association is one place to start.

I know getting him to school will be a struggle but do you think you have improved his reading by teaching at home? If not, I think you need expert help so I think home teaching isn’t going to be advantageous. Working alongside experienced teachers would be better. Ditto a tutor. Can you get him interested in books - what might he like to read? Some school reading scheme books are not much fun. What is he interested in? Even reading about football and computer games would be a start. Have you been advised on reinforcing phonics at home? The school could help with this.

What is DS like at maths? What about sport and art? Ask the school for all his assessments, even if they are from March last year. Try and get a picture of his progress, or lack of it, to demonstrate that he needs help. Why the school hasn’t done something is beyond me though.

Thanks @PickwickThePlockingDodo and @bigbradford

That's really interesting that your DS was dyslexic after also crying about going to school etc. I think I need to look into this!

I am going to have a look at the Dyslexia Association this afternoon - does anyone know any other places to go to for advice?

DS is okay at maths, I think about average in his class. He loves sport and he gives art a go. He enjoys it!

Thanks again everyone, I feel so fired up. The school won't know what hits them when I turn up with all this new information!

Ring the school and asked for a telephone appointment with the class teacher and the Senco.

It maybe worth buying the toe by toe book and doing that at home.

Forget to raise your concerns with school and ask them what they and you can do at home to help him.

Definitely contact the school to request an appointment to discuss his difficulties and what has been done, is being done and could be done to investigate those difficulties and put appropriate support and intervention in place.

How was he with working at home during the school closure? Will he read with you? Does he enjoy anything about going to school? Is it the learning part he hates, but enjoys playtme and meeting friends, maybe some subjects eg. art, maths or PE?

I think it is worth you trying to unpick what you see as the problem as much as you can so that you can be very clear with the school at the first meeting.

Good luck OP, I have a feeling you're going to need it 🍀

I think there's a difference between disliking school, and being emotionally distressed at the thought of going into school.
Disliking school is probably quite common, much like adults disliking work because its boring or you'd rather be having fun somewhere else.
Being emotionally distressed at age 9, long after the separation anxiety stage of a 4 or 5 year old, is a sign something isn't right. Much like an adult who is being bullied at work might start feeling stressed and sick at the thought of going in.
I think in this case you need to find out what's wrong, and it sounds like you've already identified that he's struggling with reading so this needs to be investigated, and speaking to school in the first instance is a good place to start.
It does need to be tackled though. My DD was like this and it escalated massively when she moved to secondary, when she started having panic attacks in school, and then became a complete school refuser. Once you get to this point, its becomes really hard to deal with. She doesn't have dyslexia, but other specific learning difficulties.

I'm a teacher, although not a dyslexia specialist. If your son was in my class I would be pushing for a dyslexia assessment. What you have said about not recognising words from the previous page is definitely a red flag. You might have a fight on your hands so be prepared to unleash the tiger-mother :)

Tiger mother is definitely here!

I am so glad you can all see that something isn't right. If he was moaning about not wanting to go or that it was boring I would be telling him to get on with it! His level of distress this morning was something else....

He loved being at home during lockdown. We did lots of long walks, baking, creative stuff. And as much of the work set by the school as possible.

@Lockdownseperation what is toe by toe?

Is a reading programme aimed at primary school children who are dyslexic but its usefully for child struggling with reading. It’s a simple book which you work through every day. It may take a couple of years to work through its amazing. The book is about £25 on Amazon.

It is!

If he was so much better at home and was keen to engage with work, I would honestly consider home-ed. Wait and see the school's response first but it sounds as though it could be a viable option for you.
Toe by Toe is a structured programme to help dyslexic children read, I have used it to great effect. You could do it at home easily.
toe-by-toe.co.uk/

Dyslexia - could learn spellings for a test but forgot how to spell them the next day. Letter reversal 'teh for the', phonic spelling 'wons for once', poor handwriting, no finger spaces, not writing on the line, quickly becomes slower when reading, can read longer 'learned words' but gets stuck on high frequency words like 'some', gets muddled with left and right, reverses numbers 17+3=74, robotic reading, difficulty remembering times tables, jumps lines of text when reading or repeats the same line, describes words and letters moving on the page or text as 'shining'. There are coloured lenses or overlays to help dyslexic people. My daughter had a really dark red lens. They do improve reading speed considerably.

When I was on a school placement when teacher training, the Head teacher's 'advice' was 'On the first day, get them all outside, give them all a skipping rope and observe. Write down the names of the ones who can't skip. That's your target reading group. ' A very 'old school' head teacher with controversial views with a grain of truth in them.

After hearing a child read for the first time - you know who is struggling. This lack of skill in reading also impacts on writing - a child who loves reading and has been immersed in books has a larger vocabulary and thus more advanced descriptive writing and a developed imagination.

My daughter is so confused by left and right her driving instructor and examiner pointed in the direction of travel as, if she had to think about it, she would go the wrong way (mostly).

@DollyScrobbler your post really made me smile. So glad your dd has found her niches in life and you do sound so very proud!

[quote bunnyonthemantle]@DollyScrobbler your post really made me smile. So glad your dd has found her niches in life and you do sound so very proud! [/quote]
You're very kind

So, spoke to the teacher and I have an appointment on the phone with her after school tomorrow.

Should I ask about toe by toe? Should I ask about a dyslexia assessment?

I think I need to go armed with questions so do let me know if you have any!

Explain your son's reluctance to attend and how he feels in class. Say this is not the case with other activities.

Ask where he is in terms of levels.

Ask if in her opinion he's struggling in any particular area.

Ask is school meeting his needs. (He appears to have unmet needs in school hence his avoidance/reluctance.)

Ask Is there a particular barrier to learning which can explain his struggles.

Ask if it would be possible for an assessment by an Educational Psychologist (I've known this take the best part of a year)

Ask if there's any interim help available in the meantime. Lots of schools run catch up type sessions with children who are falling behind.

Some schools do dyslexia screens with appropriately trained staff.

The last school I worked at informed teachers that they were to 'concentrate their efforts' on groups of children which were capable of making progress, i.e. stop working with the lower groups (which I ignored due to my preference for supporting and stretching the lower groups).

But he might also like maths, sport and playing with friends. See how you get on before you take the big step to home educate. You didn’t seem to say he steamed ahead with reading at home. In fact you were shocked at what he couldn’t do. I would see what you can work out with school first before taking him away altogether.

By the way: all children are capable of making progress and I’ve never seen a school not bother with lower achievers. In fact quite a few might have pp money and they are not pushed aside.

Yes, EP time can be hard to get and depends on the numbers needing their services in your school and what contract the school has with the EPs. You can pay privately.

@anna114young

You say you noticed during lockdown how bad he was, but did you never notice it before when reading with him and raise at parents eve? Raised it when looking at school reports? What has the school said previously?

I would say he is now noticing how behind his peers he is. You need an urgent meeting with teacher and SENCO to discuss attainment, progress and what steps they can take to support. For obtaining a dyslexia assessment, look here: www.nhs.uk/conditions/dyslexia/diagnosis/

By the way: please don’t ask where he is in terms of levels. This refers to the old assessment levels which disappeared around 4 years ago. Ask how the teacher has assessed his progress and what progress he has actually made according to their method. How far off “expected” is he? Ask for writing samples and ask how this compares with “expected”. You want to try and build up a picture of how much he struggles in reading and writing.

@anna114young

Sorry, reading that back I sound unnecessarily harsh, I just find it hard to believe that the school have never discussed this before and put some kind of intervention in place to support him. I work in a school and this would have been flagged and your DS had extra support with a TA in a small group to help him make progress and failing that, evidence to show how he is not reaching attainment levels and then flagged with SENCO for assessment.

Please let him know that it's absolutely nothing to feel stupid about, that many famous high achievers also are dyslexic. www.helenarkell.org.uk/about-dyslexia/famous-dyslexics.php

Many sports stars are too! www.learningwithdyslexia.co.uk/famous-dyslexics/

It's meeting day today! I'm both excited and nervous!

@ShawshanksRedemption

I am glad you sent a second post, I won't lie your first made tears come to my eyes! School have always said his reading isn't his strong point but as I was doing all areas of school work with him and not just reading and a little bit of homework I started to become more and more concerned.
When you read with your child 10 mins a day 5 days a week, sometimes you put mistakes down to tiredness etc. But lockdown there were no other distractions and I was just really surprised with what I saw.

I will discuss dyslexia assessments with the school this eve. If he is dyslexic though - what does this mean? Will he need a tutor? A different school?

I have been reading with interest. My 9 year old child has also been a school refuser since reception. At first school put it down to separation anxiety but due to other issues i asked for an assessment via my GP which eventually lead to an ADHD diagnosis, so different in that respect. He does not meet his expected targets for maths and english and has small group interventions to help with this. However the school refusal is still my biggest concern. When i have brought this us with previous class teachers some are more helpful than others and interventions put it place with some success for a while for example a home to school reward chart, however even though my child states he does not like school "because he has to do hard work" he has also expressed that he is "stupid" and does not want to attend, the main consensus is that he is fine in school. I can not understand the discrepancy in my experience and schools. To the point where i feel like school think i may be exaggerating. However i am exhausted from trying to find new incentives and to be calm and encouraging and today was a particularly bad day. I asked school last year about an EHCP for my child but they say it is not necessary. I am aware i can ask the education authority directly but if school deem it not needed i assume it would go in their favour. Any experience, suggestions or thoughts would be appreciated.